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Wow hah.

I liked it.

The character and narration kept my attention all the way through, mainly how it felt a little mysterious even in it's explanation.


the overall flow was really well thought out as well, I diddnt stumble over myself trying to read the passages nor did I trail off into some dismal boredom either.

Your method is kind of like a short burst, gives enough for that lenght and then moves on to give more information on something else.

very well done

I hope theres more.

Well, it is certainly interesting! ^^

When you look into this man’s eyes it’s just like thunder.

'just' is one of these words I don't like. Almost every time I see it, I say 'remove it'. This is no different. It actually takes away from the sentence, tames it down a little, and therefore takes away from the impact.

I say this because it is a known fact that sound always travels slower than light. I say his eyes are like thunder because you never really see them properly in real time; you see the pupils first and then his eyes sort of build themselves around them as if in slow motion. It’s like a constant delay, like an inconsistency in the way the colors are dubbed over his great chasm of vision. In a way it’s just like thunder because you can see the spark of the storm but what makes lightning alive, what makes it frightening, is always the part that builds up after the spark is gone. The delayed rumble is what gets me every time.

I see what you are aiming for, but in a way you have actually overexplained it. It's a nice idea, but it shouldn't be this long and involved if it isn't absolutely crucial to the story. It also reminds me of how I think- random, strange, and rather all over the place. So I suggest organizing it a little neater, to get the best effect. I also think the bit about the delayed rumble should be in the next paragraph, as it links to that idea more then this one.

I say this because it is a known fact that sound travels slower then light. His eyes are like thunder because you see them in slow motion; you notice the pupils first and the iris builds itself around them from there. It’s like a constant delay, like an inconsistency in the way the colors are dubbed over his great chasm of vision.

In a way it’s just like thunder because you can see the spark of the storm but what makes lightning alive, what makes it frightening, is always the part that builds up after the spark is gone. The delayed rumble is what gets me every time. This is precisely the impression you get when you see him, when you first look at him. There’s a contact there; you can feel the shock flowing through you like electricity. It isn’t until after some time passes, though, that the remnants of this shock come into play.

You see what I mean?

I didn’t see anything particularly special about the way his head nodded down onto his chest or about how you could see the uncomfort in his eyes or about how you could see how he couldn’t say anything. I didn’t really think about how carelessly his home attendant, dressed in white from head to toe, pushed his head back with a stern index finger directly to the middle of the forehead. I didn’t give a second thought to how much it resembled the barrel of a gun, that one thick, coarse finger, and I certainly didn’t notice the spot of drool on his shirt.

Uncomfort should be discomfort.
I quite like this. You have captured the scene of senility and the uncaring attitude of the attendant rather well. Also, the fact she didn't think about it straight away says something about the public attitude towards him too.

I rung the ear piece around my neck

Wound would work better here.

This isn't overly long, so I can't say too much more, so onto the overall. You have some really interesting ideas going on here, I would just suggest you organize them more clearly. I don't think it should have much more description at this point, as it is mainly the MC's thoughts, not actions or a true scene as such. The ending was....strange, to say the least. Is there any reason you end it with a beat?
Anyway, I found this rather interesting. I liked the philosophies you have portrayed here, and I would love to keep reading.
If you have any questions, feel free to send me a PM. I'll be glad to help.

-Nutty

Nutty, thanks for the review. I agree with your wording suggestions-I'll edit it soon. And yes, there is a reason for the beat, you'll see. Thanks Eraqio too. I might have part two up next week.

Edited.

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This was going to be part one, but really, it's not long enough to make the story into parts, so I'm not going to. There's a shiny real one, somewhere.

Doctor/Mister Vanderguard-Milton The title is the thing that dragged me in to begin with. It's so intriguing. The name is so abnormal that I just had to discover the secrets Great title by the way


When you look into this man’s eyes it’s justI agree with nutty that you don't need the word just. It's kind of a redundant word. like thunder. I say this because it is a known fact that sound always travels slower than light. I say his eyes are like thunder because you never really see them properly in real time; you see the pupils first and then his eyes sort of build themselves around them as if in slow motion. It’s like a constant delay, like an inconsistency in the way the colors are dubbed over his great chasm of vision. Beautiful imagery. Absolutely beautiful. I really do love this story so far, and believe me, I don't like most of the things I review on here.


In a way it’s just like thunder because you can see the spark of the storm but what makes lightning alive, what makes it frightening, is always the part that builds up after the spark is gone. The delayed rumble is what gets me every time. This is precisely the impression you get when you see him, when you first look at him. There’s a contact there; you can feel the shock flowing through you like electricity. It isn’t until after some time passes, though, that the remnants of this shock come into play. I also agree with the first reviewer about how great your paragraphs are. They are intriguing and short, not too short but not tedious. parfait.


I first saw him in the park. There’s a park nearby and I go there often to think,Maybe it's just me but personally I think semi colons might be better here
I go there often to think; to get away; to forget; well, maybe to remember. Hmmm..... But I do love that idea(the imagery and such). to get away, to forget, well, maybe to remember. It’s a bike park but I don’t bike or walk or jog or run. I rollerblade because it is the most mindless sport there is. It is the one way I can cover a lot of ground in a little time and think about anything else I want to think about.


It was a Tuesday when I saw him, I think. During my lunch break, if I recall correctly.I love the way your writing is formal but yet not. It's formal through the language you use but the narrator is not so formal. It's very effective. He was this shriveled old man, and you cancould tell he used to be a mountain, but now the crag had crumbled into a decaying wheelchair and a steadfast home attendant.I ADORE THAT LINE!!!! Beautiful, beautiful beautiful. I cannot sing your praises enough! I didn’t think anything of him when I saw him. I didn’t see anything particularly special about the way his head nodded down onto his chest or about how you could see the discomfort in his eyes or about how you could see how he couldn’t say anything. I didn’t really think about how carelessly his home attendant, dressed in white from head to toe, pushed his head back with a stern index finger directly to the middle of the forehead. I didn’t give a second thought to how much it resembled the barrel of a gun, that one thick, coarse finger, and I certainly didn’t notice the spot of drool on his shirt.


Well, I didn’t notice them then.


I passed him, I zoomed by, I skated up a ramp and back down it.


I could not get his image out of my mind.


It kept haunting me. It was as though the connection had been established but the information had not processed until that moment but by the time I returned to the spot where I saw him, the lady in white had wheeled him off to some unforgiving place.Fantastic. Really, this is very good, please don't think I'm trying to be nice to you, I'm simply stating the truth


I sat down on a nearby bench and looked at the inscription. These were benches dedicated by people in memory of their deceased loved ones. It seemed like the stupidest thing to me. Who the hell wants a bench in a park in the middle of nowhere?Hm, are you wanting your MC to be shallow? Because if you are you are doing well, I just wondered because it seems rather obvious to me, why people would want a bench in the 'middle of nowhere' What impact is that going to make on someone’s life? Exactly. That’s what I thought. But nevertheless I looked at this particular inscription on this particular bench.


“In loving memory of Rutherp T. Vanderguardcomma from his loving wife.”


It didn’t make sense to me why his wife assumed she was so beloved and took such liberties in assuming Mr. Vanderguard would want this bench in this particular park.Aaah! I get her now. Philosophical eh? I like that What else didn’t make sense in my mind was why in the world I began associating my pierce-eyed old man with this particular name. When I thought of him in my mind I knew that he was Rutherp and that that statement was a fact, just like it says I have blue eyes on my driver’s license even though they’re really remarkably green.


It was just one of those moments of lucidity where I flashed an image of him in my mind and the caption read “Rutherp T. Vanderguard” and then, below that in a slightly smaller type font, “psychologist.” Why did I make him into a psychologist? I have no idea. Ask him, he could probably tell you.


I took off my headphones and the sound of The Beatles One CD drifted out of my ears. I wound the ear piece around my neck and listened to the pseudo-music, a steady stream of stronger beats. Pum pum in the sky with diamonds…pum pum pum pa pum pum pa pum…pum pum in the sky with diamonds…baaaa ba ba ba beeep…beep…beep…beep…beep…beep…




This was magnificent. It was eerie and creepy. But more than that, it was powerful incredibly powerful. The narrative was great. It was haunting and chilling, addicting and intriguing. Enigmatic and interesting. I loved it. I don't say that much, I say I like things and I find certain aspects interesting but I actually adore the entirety of this story. Everything, it may have a few flaws but I definitely don't care about them. This is amazing. I usually despise the way your narrator speaks, but with the more formal language incorprated I think it works well. I really must say that this is incredible, I loved it. Well done, I really can't critique this too well at all

-Kirsten xxx