A Bird In Katie's Head (title in progress)

This is a realistic fiction story...hope you enjoy! _Feedback welcomed_

Ten-year-old Katie Wheeler sat, watching TV. Her brother Jim sat in his baby chair, staring at nothing as he often did. She liked to look into his pale blue eyes and watch the reflections of light dance on the azure retinas. Yet when she called his name, he continued to stare blankly. This, at the time, didn't bother her. But it would be of significance in later years. She now watched as an animated crab and fish pirouetted across a screen. They were having so much fun, she thought to herself, that it was fun to watch. A speckled gray puppy sat in her lap, cradled by the girl's warm fingers. It was January, but warm inside the Wheeler home, heated by a gas fireplace which burned brightly in the dimly lit room.
Nothing at all seemed amiss, but slowly, Katie began to experience a burning sensation of tension in her throat. Nothing she did seemed to get rid of it. She coughed, yawned, cleared her throat. Eventually, imitating the cartoon characters, she moaned. Like magic, the pesky feeling vanished. Again, a few minutes later when the show went to commercial break, she had the itch again. She knew what to do. Oddly enough, it dissipated when she moaned. Recalling that, she moaned again. Her mother now strolled in, summoned by the strange noises.
"Katie, is Jim alright?" Called Mrs. Wheeler tentatively.
"He's fine, mom," she replied, slightly annoyed at her mother's incessant inquiries as to the condition of her baby brother. Ever since Jim had been born, he'd been the focus of the household. Every cousin, aunt, and uncle that came through the front door would coo over him, purring that he was such a perfect child. He never fussed, and ate quietly, cooperatively, and rarely was colicky. Katie grew tired of the lingering odor of baby powder and diapers. Yet, at the same time, she was quite in love with her new sibling, often gazing at him fondly as he slept in his crib.
"Are you sure? I heard a noise-" she began sporadically.
"Yes, mom. Everything's fine."
"Good, Kates. If that's so, then mommy is going to go back to folding clothes."
Mrs. Wheeler left again, vanishing into the laundry room.
Another itch soon burned Katie's esophagus. She moaned again. And again...
It was only the beginning of a vicious cycle.
...........
The next morning, she woke up, and went to the bathroom, making low noises in her wind pipe like a whale in its blowhole. Going to school was a fun thing for her. She got away from Jim Baby and had fun with her friends. There was no pesky mother to hover over her in the fifth grade classrooms of Crimson's Elementary School. She walked to the bus stop, enjoying the briskness of the air from inside her thick coat. Another girl in a blue coat waved from a distance, a shrill shriek of happiness springing from her lips.
"Emilina!" shouted Katie, running towards her friend and classmate, Emilina Front.
"Whazup?" Emilina asked quickly, quirking an eyebrow as she did so. Emilina was a tall, pale girl with luxurious red hair.
"Same as every day. All about Jim Baby," complained Katie. "But I don't mind as much as I used to..."
"I, uh, I hope you don't mind me, that is," Emilina stuttered, "needing, using your homework? Averages don't make sense to me."
Katie scuffed a tennis shoe on the rough concrete of the sidewalk, listening to its baritone schwaaak!
A few dry leaves blew on the wind as Emilina stared questioningly at her, hazel green eyes imploring her friend to hand over the answers to their math homework.
"I..no. I'm sorry, Em-em. I can't let you cheat," was her meek reply.
"Fine. I'll tell Andre you like him, then," she threw back without giving her comrade so much as a passing glance. Emilina ran ahead, thrusting a chapped pink nose higher into the air.
Katie didn't think much of it. Emilina often pulled stunts like this one.
The bus soon pulled up, its marigold exterior gleaming in the sunlight.
"Don't dawdle! Kids, come on up," called the driver, a plump African American woman with graying hair and a gold tooth. They obeyed, not eager to stand in the cold. Katie walked up the stairs and down the aisle, glancing at the seat where she and Emilina usually sat. But today, she didn't want to sit with Emilina. Not after her threat and the attempt to cheat. She instead took a seat in the back, on the back row, next to Hector, a weird boy who had dark hair and pale, pale skin. "'Ey, Katie," Hector said slowly as she sat down.
"I'm just sitting here for today, is all," answered Katie, giving Emilina a dark look. She normally wouldn't dare to sit beside such a strange character, but today, it was worth the awkwardness because Emilina wouldn't associate herself with Hector. He was just too weird for her to stand looking at. He stared at Katie, as if reading her mind through her skull. His gaze usually made her squirm, but today, she was already too perturbed to care. She sulkily watched the scenery pass by outside the window, pondering her relationship with Andre.
...
i'm about to fall asleep, so I won't write any more tonight...
Cheers!
--Voxina
PS: this will all make sense in the end.

"Good, Kates. If that's so, then mommy is going to go back to folding clothes."

I think this would sound more realistic if she said, "then I'm going back to folding clothes." I know that moms often tend to refer to themselves in third person when talking to their children, but the few lines of dialogue she gets before this are more grown-up.

Katie scuffed a tennis shoe on the rough concrete of the sidewalk, listening to its baritone schwaaak!

This sentence was kind of confusing. It would sound much better if you just cut out the part of the sentence after the comma.

A few dry leaves blew on the wind

Should be 'in' the wind.

"Fine. I'll tell Andre you like him, then," she threw back without giving her comrade so much as a passing glance.

UGH! My friends in Elementary school would always pull that one on me! xD

Then, in first period, a note was passed to her.

Woops. Time skip: How did she suddenly go from the bus stop to first period?
Try to clear that up a bit. "After a monotonous ride to school, Kate entered her classroom to discover a note on her desk." Or it can be passed to her. Haha
But you see what I mean, right?


I like it vox! I think it was descriptive (not too much and not too little) and relatable for readers (who hasn't had to deal with a perfect baby brother, or a snooty friend?).
I always love the tone of your work, vox. You just make it so....human!
I can't wait to read more!


*anti-pop

Thanks for the input! I just added a little more to it...
Cheers!
--Voxina

Hello, dear. Sarah here.

I. INTRO

This was really cute and I loved your title: it's really what made me start to read because it's catchy, refreshing and original. I'm not really a fan of using onomatopaeia, for example

schwaaak!

but I can be somewhat of a snob, so it's probably just a personal preference. A criticsm is that it's moving along a bit slowly/inconsistently, but I'll get to that later in the critique. I do like your character and the fact she has trouble at school, I just think you need to make her a bit more open to the reader and show her personality more. Again, I'll come to that later. The only real grammatical pointer I have is not to capitalise a word directly after a speech quote. For example, you wrote:

"Katie, is Jim alright?" Called Mrs. Wheeler tentatively.

'called' shouldn't have a capital C.

II. OPENING SENTENCES

Ten-year-old Katie Wheeler sat, watching TV.

You're going to have to write something catchier than that to hook me. I know opening sentences are the hardest thing to write - for me at least. They're the place where the reader makes their decision about whether they're going to put the book back on the shelf or carry on reading. An opening sentence needs something to fire the imagination of reader. Make the reader want to know what happens next - something that pulls them into the story. Makes them ask questions - who is this, what's happening, what's going to happen?

You're not really looking for scene setting or establishing character - that comes later. Dramatic openings should try and put you right in the middle of things. One of the best opening sentences I know is from George Orwell's book '1984':"it was a bright cold day in April and the clocks were striking 13." There's a great balance to that sentence - the first half seems ordinary and reassuring and then, bang, he hits you with the twist.

III. CHARACTERS

I do like Katie very much indeed. She's an adorable musing character and you did well to show her thoughts and whims of other people, for example, her little brother Jimmy, because we can learn so much about people through how they think, behave, and interact with others. You've broadened this story a lot by introducing her troubles at school because a lot of people will be able to empathise and relate to her problems and the teasing [just like anti-pop did]. The high-school scenario put me off a bit because, you know, it's quite hard to make it original as it's been done again and again. I wouldn't worry too much but maybe try to put a bit of an edge on the whole teasing/crush scneario, eh? I know you can. And I would have liked to see a bit more emotions from Katie. Really get to her core and show us her feelings at the different events of this stories. You can show this through monologues, interpersonal or whatever, thoughts, speech, maybe a diary entry, or just dialogue with other people, maybe somebody she trusts. Just really try to portray her to the reader as honestly as you can.

IV.

That is all for now; sorry this was a bit of a short/crapola critique, but I'm a bit tired and trying to get to more people's work than I normally do. As I said before, I really enjoyed this and you have a lovely tone. This has a quaint, melancholy feel to it and therefore seems like the kind of genre I read. Try to improve by adding more description when necessary, paying attention that you make dialogue plausible, and adding your own touch to scenarios that may be a bit overdone - through no fault of your own, though. I know how hard it is to write something original, and you've done good.

Good luck!

-Sarah