Random

The beginning:

Dear reader, before we part on this adventure together, I would like to state a few facts that are true of all the events to follow.

Fact number one: the girl who died on the window sill was at the time of her death holding onto the Box

Fact number two: Her murderer did not know who he raised his knife against

Fact number three: All prior events and those that followed were, if not directly influenced, at least in part influenced by that one act

And last but not least (fact number four), it is in fact the murder weapon and not the box, that carves the path for this story.

To understand any of this story you will have to know more about a girl who was known only as Rella. Much of her past is actually vaguely insignificant because for the most part Rella had never left her house; she lived in a room kept dark by curtains that were never open, in a house which was for the most part left alone by the various people who lived nearby, and in her short life she only saw one visitor frequently; the nurse who came to tend to her. The only other inhabitant of that house was her mother, who, however, saw less of dear Rella than the nurse did.

The story really begins on a warm summer night when the air was stifling and every other child in the neighbourhood had long been laid lovingly to their soft gentle pillows. On this particular night Rella made a choice which had surprisingly never occurred to her before; she decided to leave the safe haven that was the house she lived in. She lifted herself painfully out of the blankets that had kept her bedridden for the short years of her life, dressed herself with frail, thin arms, checked if her mother was sleeping and then without looking back she snuck out into the night.

There are about two significant events leading up to the big one that you, the reader, should take note of and this is one of them, because this night was not what you might call empty. However, whether it was coincidence that Rella choice to finally leave her empty life on a night that was bursting with life we can never really know. All I can say is that had she not, many things that define this world would never have occurred.

Hey there, tzmanda! -shakes hand- I'm Sarah and I'm your reviewer for today. I hope you don't find my comments harsh or anything. I'm a stricter reviewer - but in most cases, because I think your story has potential. I never review a story that I believe has no chance of improving.

The whole 'beginning' thing intrigues me if not somewhat bewilders me. I'm so excited now about finding out what the "Box" is, about the murder and the girl and everything. It's all very mysterious and I love that, but I also liked that you've revealed part of the storyline without disclosing everything - just enough to make the reader itch with anticipation.

To understand any of this story you will have to know more about a girl who was known only as Rella. Much of her past is actually vaguely insignificant because for the most part Rella had never left her house; she lived in a room kept dark by curtains that were never open, in a house which was for the most part left alone by the various people who lived nearby, and in her short life she only saw one visitor frequently; the nurse who came to tend to her. The only other inhabitant of that house was her mother, who, however, saw less of dear Rella than the nurse did.

This is all a bit 'tell' and should be more 'show.' Show, don't tell. I know those words can be frustrating. You might not know exactly what “show, don’t tell” means. Or you might believe that you are showing when you’re really telling.

An easy way of doing this is, firstly, use dialogue. Dialogue allows the reader to experience a scene as if they were there. Secondly, use sensory language. In order for readers to fully experience what you’re writing about, they need to be able to see, hear, taste, smell and touch the world around them. Try to use language that incorporates several senses, not just sight. Thirdly, be descriptive -which you're incidentally very good at in the second paragraph. Beautifully controlled. Fourth, be specific and not vague.

I hope this helps! I like this, so I'll be scanning the forum for the next installment.

PM me should you have any questions.

Good luck.

Sarah
xxx

Well. This sounds very interesting and the wording dragged me in like honey to flies! This could make a great introduction and/or proluge and it would be considered a flawless "hook"
This sounds Super interesting and I seriously truly honestly hope you keep up the great work

Thanks to Huggybear123 and CastlesInTheSky for your critiques. Very helpful as always.

I'll have to think about this "show" as opposed to "tell" advice before I can make the nessicary adjustments.

It may be awile before I post the next installment as this story sort of crept upon me, hence I'm not entirely sure where its headed, or even what genre it might fall under. Well, we'll see I suppose.