Grandee

Fay watched through the raindrop splattered window. She was looking at her mother as she got into the back of the red jeep that was parked in the driveway. Her Grandee and Aunt Barbra were sitting in the front seats. Aunt Barb sat behind the wheel, windshield wipers still going. They were taking Grandee to a nursing home, an assisted living facility. They weren’t going to drop here off--it was just a visit. Fay's mother and aunt wanted Grandee to see what it would be like to live there. They hoped she'd like it.

When Grandee began to get sick, she moved out of her fallen down house. She had to leave her husband Mac behind. Grandee settled in with her son Jon, his wife Aunt Barbra, and their two year old son William. They lived in a tiny, cluttered house in New Hampshire. Aunt Barbara quit her job to stay home and look after Grandee. It was a selfless act of kindness, but it had become more difficult to take care of Grandee and William. Grandee had recently fallen when Aunt Barbra was out getting groceries. When Grandee fell, she dislocated her shoulder, and had to go to the hospital. At the last minute, Fay's mother had to drive to New Hampshire to visit Grandee. Doing so, she missed Fays semi final soccer game. Fay's mother and her aunt decided Aunt Barbra’s attention should be focused on her son. Fay's mother wanted Grandee to come to a nursing home close to her in Massachusetts so she could visit often. When it was decided, Aunt Barbra drove Grandee down to Fay's house so they could go together and check out the nursing home.

Fay slipped on her shoes, put on a raincoat and went out side down the back steps to her driveway. Aunt Barbra got out and hugged Fay, mentioning how long it had been since they had seen each other last. It had been about four months. Fay smiled in agreement. Then walked over to Grandee, who was sitting in the passenger seat. Fay leaned in and hugged Grandee, getting Grandee a little wet. Grandee looked so skinny and frail. Her hair was white and thin but brushed nicely. As Fay pulled back from the hug, Grandee still squeezed her arm affectionately. Fay squeezed Grandees arm affectionately in return. This kind of thing was awkward for Fay. She was not good at talking to older people. It was hard for her to look Grandee in the eyes, but she did. She smiled and slipped quietly away after Aunt Barb shut the door. Barb walked over to her side of the car and hopped in. Fay waved as the jeep backed down the driveway and turned out onto the street.

This was very sweet although it was a little short.

There isn't really much here to critique, but I'll do my best.

The beginning didn't really draw me in. It didn't start off with a good bang that made me want to keep reading. But the descriptions in the beginning were great.

The middle was a bit too info dumpy for me. Space out the info a little bit more.

The ending...Well...It ended. =) There weren't any pressing mistakes.

So overall, very short and sweet.

PM me when you post more.

Nariel

carolinewashere wrote:Fay watched out the raindrop splattered window.
Should be "Fay watched through the raindrop..."
She was looking at her mother as she got into the back of the red jeep that was parked in the drive way.
Should be: "driveway" (no space)
Her Grandee and Aunt Barbra sitting in the front seats.
Should be: "Her Grandee and Aunt Barbra were sitting.."
Aunt Barb behind the wheel, windshield wipers still going.
Should be: "Aunt Barb sat behind the wheel.."
They were taking Grandee to a nursing home, an assisted living facility. They weren’t going to drop here off it was just a visit.
Should be: "...to drop her off--it was just a visit..."
Fays mother and Aunt wanted Grandee to see what it would be like to live there.
Should be: "Fay's mother and aunt wanted Grandee to see what it would be like to live there."
They wanted her to like it.
Could be better stated as: "They hoped she liked it."

When Grandee started getting sick she moved out of her falling down house, leaving her husband, Mac, behind.
Should be something like: "When Grandee began to get sick, she moved out of her fallen down house. (I think you could come up with a stronger adjective) (new sentence) She had to leave her husband Mac behind."
Grandee settled in with her son Jon his wife Aunt Barbra and there two year old son, William.
Should be: "Grandee settled in with her son Jon, his wife Aunt Barbra, and their two year old son William."
They lived in a tiny, cluttered house in New Hampshire. Aunt Barbara quit here job and started staying home to look after Grandee.
Should be: "Aunt Barbara quit her job to stay home and look after Grandee."
It was a selfless thing to do on Barbs part, but it was getting harder and harder to take care of Grandee and her son.
Should be: "It was a selfless act of kindness, but it had become more difficult to take care of Grandee and William."
Grandee had just recently fallen when Aunt Barbra was out getting groceries.
Should be: "Grandee had recently fallen.."
When Grandee fell she dislocated her shoulder and went to the Hospital.
Should be: When Grandee fell, she dislocated her shoulder, and had to go to the hospital."
Fays mother last minute had to drive to New Hampshire to visit Grandee and missed Fays semi final soccer game.
Should be: "At the last minute, Fay's mother had to drive to New Hampshire to visit Grandee. Doing so, she missed Fays semi final soccer game. "
Aunt Barbra wanted to help, but she knew she could not keep taking care of her mother-in-law like this. Aunt Barbra and Fays mother talked about putting Grandee in a nursing home.
Should be: insert the apostrephes!
They decided Aunt Barbra’s attention should be focused on her son. Fays(ahem, apostrophe) mother wanted Grandee to come to a nursing home close to her in Massachusetts so she could visit often. It (insert when before the it) was decided, Aunt Barbra drove Grandee down to Fay's house so they could go together and check out the nursing home.

Fay slipped on her shoes, put on a raincoat and went out side down the back steps to her drive way. (driveway is ONE word.) Aunt Barbra got out and hugged Fay(insert comma) mentioning how long it has(should be had) been since they {saw each other last.} (make the bracketed section "since they had last seen each other")
It had probably(leave out the probably-it's just extra baggage) been about four months. Fay smiled in agreement. Then walked over to Grandee(insert comma) who was sitting in the passenger seat. Fay leaned in and hugged Grandee(insert comma) getting her a little wet. Grandee looked so skinny and frail. Her hair was white and thin but brushed nicely. As Fay pulled back from the hug(insert comma) Grandee still squeezed her arm affectionately. Fay squeezed Grandees(ahem, apostrophe?) arm affectionately in return. This kind of thing was awkward for Fay. She was not good at talking to older people. It was hard for her to look Grandee in the eyes. (make that one sentence) But she did. She just (get rid of just) smiled and slipped quietly away after Aunt Barb shut the door. Barb walked over to her side of the car and hoped in. (hopped has TWO P's) Fay waved as the jeep backed down the driveway and turned out (scratch the at) onto the street.

I love the scenario, but the whole thing is sort of sketchy. Try filling it in with details. keep writing!