Leaving Home

I worked pretty hard describing things in this short story. Trust me, it is not terrific but I enjoyed writing it. Critique please!



The day was coming when Levi was going to have to leave the world behind and go out onto the battlefield where so many young brave soldiers have died before him. He was brave, sure, but was he ready to riskhis life and leave his family not knowing if he was ever to come back? He wanted to fight for his country but he didn't want to lose his life, he had plans ahead.


Levi was packing his bags to head off when his wife came out.
"Levi... I love you, don't you ever forget that."she said, her voice thin, "Be careful."
He kissed her, got in the car, and drove away watching the tears fall from her eyes.

It took him eight hours to get to the training camp where they would lift off. He looked at all the soldiers. They looked drained like all the life all the life had gotten taken from their bodies, like zombies. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest. As he walked to the office where he would meet the general, there was nobody smiling at him but giving him cold blank stares. The general was looking through the wide windows at the planes parked outside.
"General,Sir?" Levi said getting his attention.
"Levi,Correct?" the General asked.
"Yes Sir!" replied Levi
"Get your bags and follow me."
Levi picked up his suitcase and followed the general out of his office.




I know the formatting is not right, I am confused.
This is to be continued.

Very short :0
You did not really give much to critique.
It was mainly typos/spacing/repeating yourself.

I hope it IS continued. That wasn't much of a story i am afraid.

First of all: nice description but the dialogue is very weak. I doubt a general would speak to a soldier that way, there is no emotion in any dialogue, and it is severely lacking 'meat on the bones'
You're SHOWING not TELLING. You could italicize the thoughts in his head and have him reasoning himself or freaking out when his wife comes out. That is over so quick, too quick. You should describe him holding her and telling her he loves her - there is no guarantee he'll see her again!

Overall the story is lacking in emotion/depth/description/very weak dialogue. You should revise this and cram a lot more onto it. Let yourself linger on the finer details, but don't go too over the top. I'm assuming the emotions they're feeling, when really how they feel and what they say should be very obvious without you simply telling me by 'he felt so sad to leave her and scowled as he left her'

Good effort.
I hope you fix it up and continue it, it's got some potential...

I agree with niccy_v on what she said. But, I'm glad you enjoyed writing this.

Show a lot more emotion. Levi may never come back; I should see tons of emotion coming from his wife. Also, you need a lot more description. I want to be able to see the room that Levi is in before he leaves, I want a description of the scenery that passes by when he travels the eight hours to training camp. I hope you continue this because I love soldiers leaving home stories.

Just work on the things niccy_v and I mentioned and this should be excelent.

Nariel