this is my work i can tell you what happens in the end or you can wait for me to finish
My coat was draped around my body poorly and it hung down to my knees. My gloves lacked of warmth and my scarf was flying off my body. My hands grasped onto my book.
“Hey, watch it!”
“Oops, sorry,” I responded.
“Stupid girl.”
I just kept on walking, but there was something about that person I had bumped into. I just had to keep following him. I turned back and pulled my cell phone out of my pocket. It was five, and I had to get home, but the man. He was just so intriguing. I put my iPod in my ears and pretended to listen to it while following the man. I sifted my thin, short body through the crowded streets.
It was right before Christmas and everyone was doing last minute shopping. I told my mother that I was too, but honestly, I just wanted to get out. I was pushing against the wind and the crowd. I could see the man’s long overcoat dangling. I haven’t seen anyone wearing an overcoat in this small town in a while, but it was surprising how many people wore different clothes. I grasped the man’s tail of the coat and yanked on it.
“Stupid girl, stay away from me,” he commanded.
I stepped back but looked at him with my deep blue eyes and said, “I’m sorry I just thought that you looked like my-.”
“Your what? Pish, I don’t want anything to do with you! Now stay away from me!”
His eyes flourished with anger, but inside that anger was just a fire burning him. I felt like I was about to cry. My tongue stung like the taste of cough syrup running down your throat. No matter how much you pinch your nose, it doesn’t go away. My eyes filled with tears. Run away was all that my mind could say. This man’s eyes were not what I had hoped for.
If you look at a person’s eyes long enough, you can pull apart a story. I do it all of the time. I leave myself open for others through my eyes, just not my words. My cell phone vibrated.
“Hello?”
“Kimberly Anne, where are you? It’s time for dinner.”
“Oh, sorry Mom, I just lost track of time. Um, can you pick me up at the corner of Peter Street and Merlin?”
“Sure I’ll be there in five.”
“Thanks Mom, bye.”
I hung up the phone. She knew that I hated when she called me Kimberly Anne. Why couldn’t she just call me Kim? Its much less syllables than Kimberly Anne. I stuck out my hand and counted the syllables. My full name has four syllables. I was bored so I turned on my iPod for real this time and not to stalk people. The song Ambrosia was on by Alesana.
I sat on a bench and watched as people walked by. My mom’s silver Volvo pulled up and I gracefully walked up to it.
“Kimberly Anne, you need to find some new friends that will take you off of books!”
“That’s what I like about them Mom. Just relax.”
“Did you even buy anything?”
“Um…no, but I did see something.”
“And what was it, how much was it, and who is it for?”
“It’s for Michelle and it was twenty bucks.”
“Was it a book?”
“No it was two.”
“Get rid of these books!”
“Mom, why can’t you just understand what books do to us?”
“Because you read the same ones over and over. I will buy you new ones if you just give me time.”
I looked out the window. Why couldn’t I just have walked home? My mother pulled into the gravel driveway. I got inside and ran upstairs to my room. I pulled my coat off and put it on the bed post. I threw my scarf and gloves on the ground near my shoes and pushed the new clean clothes off my bed. My room was a mess.
“Kimberly Anne, get down here!”
I jogged down the stairs and walked into the kitchen. I sat down at the counter and my mother told me to go get some plates and set the table.
“Um, Mom, I want to study some more. Can I take my dinner upstairs?”
“Fine, but no eating it on the bed.”
I sat down cross legged on my bean bag chair and my cat joined my. I offered him a peace of my baked ziti, but he didn’t want it.
“What’s wrong Elephant?”
I named my cat Elephant because I had nothing else to do. His real name was Tiger, but seriously, elephants are better. He sat down on my lap and I rested my plate on him. As he kneaded my knee, I picked away at my dinner. I pushed the thick slices of tomato off to the side and gathered up my dinner.
Snow began to fall outside of my window. Crap. I hated snow. I grabbed the remote control for my stereo and turned it on. I pushed my half eaten dinner on the ground and raised the volume. I picked up my book and began to read it, but I got bored. I ran my pointer finger down Elephant’s back. His purring slowed down and he quietly felt into unconsciousness. My cell phone began to vibrate.
“Hello?”
“Hey Kim, it’s me Michelle. Did you get my text?”
“Um, no. What did it say?”
“I just wanted to know if you wanted to come to my house for um… I don’t know but it’s tonight.”
“Oh, sure. What time is it at?”
“It’s at seven.”
“Who will be there?”
“Oh just Nicole, June, Ally, Colin, J Star, and Ben.”
“Okay, I’ll see you guys then.”
I hung up the phone and placed it next to me. I stroked Elephant’s back gently. I picked up my list of German numbers. (I’m learning it.) I wasn’t in the mood for that either.
I picked my phone up and dialed my home phone number. My mother, father, and brother were eating dinner, but they would let the answering machine pick up.
“Hey, it’s me, Kim. Can you drop me off at Michelle’s at seven?”
“Sure!”
I picked Elephant up and threw him around my waist. His nails dug into my sweatshirt, but he was warm against my cold body. My pink fuzzy socks warmed my small toes and I headed downstairs with a cat and a plate. I threw out the rest of my dinner and tossed the dish and fork into the sink.
“You’re not going out dressed like that!”
“Mom, you seriously think that I will go out in a short sleeve?”
My mom made a noise and I put Elephant down. My father began talking with his mouthful, but no one ever understood him. My brother laughed at the thought of me going out in the snow, but I just went behind him and swatted a bit at head.
“Mom, did you see that?!”
“Kimberly Anne, leave your brother alone.”
I hated my brother for most of the time, but sometimes when he’s really, I mean REALLY, quiet, he can be nice. His name was Sam. I called him Sammy just to make fun of him for the times he was a big asshole.
I left the dining room and went into the computer room. I opened up my screen and went on the internet. I just sat there in the giant black computer chair spinning myself. The chair stopped as it faced the window. The sky was almost pitch-black, but the beauty rested all over. The snow contrasted against the black, but the only good thing about snow was when it fell. It was so beautiful.
“Kim, are you ready to go?”
“Um, yeah Mom, just let me get my stuff.”
I hopped off the chair and ran upstairs. I picked up my scarf, gloves, jacket, and shoes. I closed the door and began to go downstairs. Shit. I forgot my beret. I got back into my room and grabbed it off the dresser. I jogged downstairs and my mom was waiting. The car engine was already started up, so we didn’t have to wait for the gas to heat up.
I slipped on my jacket and my hat and gloves were on. My shoes were half way on my feet, and my scarf was slung over my shoulder. I twisted the scarf over my left shoulder and started out the door. My feet crashed against the noisy gravel as my mother closed the back door.
We drove down the streets making constant turns. Michelle’s house was not far, but it just had a bunch of turns. The ride was silent. My mother slowed to a stop and I closed the door behind me.
“Kim!”
It’s the usual thing to do at Friday nights. Everyone comes up to you and hugs you after they stop the screen on YouTube. I went down into the basement where the television, computer, Michelle’s room, and games were.
J Star (his real name was Jason, but he had awesome hair like J Star) was hugging a Tickle Me Elmo and huddled on the couch. Two words: Salad Fingers. J Star was terrified of that damn cartoon. I looked at the computer screen and nodded.
The television was flashing with bright lights from Chowder (best show on EARTH.) Scrabble letters were tossed on the floor, obviously, someone had a spazz attack. It was most likely Ally. All noises were blocked out of my head as I observed the world around me. I stopped and the sound flashed back. There was a groggle from the television, laughter from Colin, a screech from Nicole, and other noises. I continued to listen to the screaming, otherwise, I’d be a freak. Michelle walked up to me and jumped on my back.
“Go pony, go!”
“Neigh!”
I galloped around the basement until we collapsed laughing. I was still laughing and holding myself together with my arms wrapped around my waist so that I wouldn’t explode, but it felt like something was happening, something unreal. June came and sat on my legs and Ally joined June. Nicole sat on Michelle’s legs.
“Is this some other form Chinese torture?”
They laughed and Michelle lifted herself up. Her elbows supporting her and Nicole weighing her down caused her to sit almost like a mermaid poised perfectly on a rock.
“Would you guys mind getting off, because, honestly, I don’t remember committing a crime of this torture?”
June laughed and got up.
“Ally?” I asked.
“Never!”
Nicole got off of Michelle and began to yank Ally off of me. Ally made a weird (casual for her, at least) noise as she began to kick Nicole. Nicole collapsed too, and Ally sat on her.
“Ha ha!”
Nicole sighed. J Star, Colin, and Ben were fighting over the microphones for a video game. I guess this place was a Hell Hole because there was random violence everywhere.
Michelle’s dog, Vanilla, came down and began licking my hair and face. All that I could hope for was her NOT to sit down on me. Thankfully, my wish came true. Ben jumped on Vanilla and she tackled him. Yup, I was right; this place was a Hell Hole.
Finally, the violence stopped and I stood up to pee. I walked upstairs and towards the bathroom. A fly buzzed in my path leading upstairs. Oddly, I followed it. It flew up to a door and slipped underneath. I opened the door and there was the attic. I stepped up the staircase. My hand ran along the cold rail.
Oh crap. I had to get downstairs. I went to the bathroom and flushed the toilet. I also ran some water for effects.
I flew down the stairs back to the screaming people. The real Jeffrey Steininger (J Star) was playing in the background. J Star (the famous one not the friend) liked to spell his name oddly, but it worked. He spelt it Jeffree Star. I wish I could do something like that to my name.
“Kim, you wanna’ play Buzz with us?”
I looked at June, “Um, sure.”
I was the queen at Buzz for most of the time. I had wits, a lot of wits. I looked at the clock. It was already nine twenty! We only had forty stinking minutes. The time passed by very fast while playing buzz. Michelle and I were on a team and killed everyone! We had to be the best people at Buzz in the world.
Even though we were in high school, Michelle’s parents felt that ten O’ clock was late enough for everyone to stay. My mom called me on my cell phone and told me to come outside because it was time to go home. I gathered my stuff up and headed out the door. Again, the ride was silent.
We pulled into the driveway and I jumped out. I felt restrained because of the routine I had to perform in the car every time. Sam and my dad were not home, but they would be soon. I walked up into my room and threw my stuff on my bed. I looked out of my window as the cold still blanketed the area.
Beat
My father barged through the door. I heard bottles clanking together and stepped out of my room. My father looked drunk to me. He wobbled and I kept my distance. I sat on the stair case and grabbed the poles guarding the sides. I was just a pair of eyes watching them. I was the eyes of a fly on the wall.
My mother tried to calm my father down but nothing worked. He pushed her out of the way and came towards the stairs. Please go to the office my voice said, but he didn’t. He put one dreadful wobbly foot on the first stair and held on the railing. He reeked of beer and smoke. I held my self against the wooden poles, but his disoriented body knocked into mine. A tear slipped from my cheek, I knew something would happen and I waited for it.
“Move, Kimberwy Awn!” said my drunk father.
I stood up for my father’s orders, but his drunken self knocked me down. My head hit a stair and the blood ran through my veins in shock.
“No,” I whispered to myself.
“Move!”
He smacked me across the face. And I broke out in tears crying. The necklace snapped off my neck leaving a scrape. He knocked the glass down right next to me. Several shards ran into my skin and I was left crying and smelling of beer.
“Kimberly, clean up the glass and stop crying.”
That left me in sobs more and I almost rolled over as my hands covered my eyes.
“Just cover up the scrapes and clean up the mess.”
I did as my mother told me and wiped the tears off of my eyes. I sat on the toilet in the bathroom and, one by one, pulled the shards of glass out of my arms. Drops of blood poked out as the rusty aroma filled my nose. The salty tears pouring from my eyes soothed the cuts. I put bandages over every slice and walked out. I got the vacuum and sucked up the beer and glass. The stench didn’t go away, so I pulled air freshener out of the cabinet under the sink.
I walked back upstairs and leaned myself against my bean bag chair. I ached all over and my neck burned. I went to the bathroom and cleaned myself up. I splashed my face with nice cold water. The redness washed off my face, but more tears fluttered down. I went in my room and locked the door. I could hear my father puking in his bathroom. I turned on the television to block out the disgusting noise. I lay in my bed. The lights were off and the cold air pulsing in my revealed blood. I pulled the sheets up and turned to my left. Ouch. My cuts were mostly on that side, so I slept on my back. The tears left wet marks on my pillow as I cried myself to sleep.
.: ~+~+~ :.
I woke up with my body smelling horribly and feeling dead. I walked downstairs and saw my father on the couch with a melted ice pack on his forehead. Obviously, he was hung-over from last night. I was too, but not in that way. The only hangover I had was from the slices in my skin. He was snoring louder than a bear in hibernation.
I went into the refrigerator and pulled out some milk. I pulled out cereal and poured in a bowl. I sat at the stool in solitaire. I stared at the cabinets that looked hideous against the counter and walls.
I looked over at my passed out father and looked back at the clock. It was five to ten and I guess I was out for awhile too. Usually I was awake by seven or eight, but I guess things just went downhill last night and I needed peace in unconsciousness. I heard growling from the drunk lying on the couch two rooms too close to me. It was then that I realized I hated my father and my mother hated me. I am not known to be ignorant for the most part, but I can’t believe I just noticed.
I stirred the soggy cereal in the white milk. I left my bowl on the counter and walked into the bathroom. The downstairs bathroom was the only one with a real bath, so I began to run the water. I turned the handle to the point of almost freezing temperatures. I slowly pulled off my tee as my scars ached more. It was the same with my undershirt and my bra, but soon enough I could sooth my wounds. I made sure the door was locked and slowly stepped into the water.
I lay my body down as I slid my neck underneath the water. I closed my eyes and let the water blow out of my nose. My hair was waving slowly and gently. I closed my eyes as I drifted off into emptiness. I ran out of air and clasped the sides of the tub and sprung up. I gasped for air. Ouch. The sudden movements hurt my body. I lifted the washcloth off the side and rested it against my neck.
Again, I closed my eyes, but this time, I fell asleep. I dreamed myself running through trees. I was lost, but looking for something. It was almost a natural instinct for me. I always ran through crowds of things, but this time, I was panting and frantically searching. What was I searching for? Dreams like this were never frightening, but this one was. I hated it!
I woke up on my side. The cool water was turning my skin a bit blue so I stood up and got a towel. I didn’t wrap the towel too close to my skin, but just close enough.
I grabbed my dirty clothes and draped the towel around myself like a dress, and headed out the door. I dressed in sweats, a simple tee, and a light hoodie. I opened the blinds and sat down on my bed. My bed faced the window perfectly and in the morning, the sun would shine directly in your face. Elephant liked to sleep there.
My mother was at work on a Saturday. I didn’t mind how she worked every day of the week because then she wouldn’t be home for most of the time. Sam was still sleeping in the other room. I knew because I could hear him kicking the wall as he slept. Speaking of sleeping, I wonder if the drunk was still sleeping downstairs. I walked out of my room and stepped over to the balcony. No one was on the couch anymore and the icepack was on the ground. He probably was chuckling and typing away to his friends.
I stepped back into my room and began to look at my family pictures. I didn’t count the pictures because it was so easy. Thirteen. There were thirteen pictures of me when I was a couple minutes old to two years. I was fed up with this! I went downstairs and then I saw my necklace from last night. I picked up the thin and ripped golden chain. The heart twinkled in the sunlight and I headed up the stairs.
I sat on my bed, letting the sunlight fill me. I dangled the necklace in my two fingers and dropped it on the bed. There was barely any noise at all. I tied to fix it, but nothing worked. I picked the necklace, two gold earrings, and one gold dolphin up and walked over to the other side of my bed. My room was a little bit old and you could easily pick the floor boards up. I lifted one of them up and placed a box inside. It was yellow and had a bow. I grabbed a sharpie off my desk and got a sticky note.
Hope
I stuck the paper on the box and put the floor board back down. I wiped off my hands and went over to the wall with the sharpie. I began to write hope all over my wall in the bright pink marker. I needed it with me. To surround me. I cried and smiled at the same time. I capped the marker and went into the basement to get my green paint. I painted the walls until everything was covered. I couldn’t lose hope. Hope surrounded me like a blanket, or a barrier. Blockading all the evil, hope was there.
My phone began to ring, so I snapped back into reality. I picked it up and flushed my tears away.
“Hey Kim, come to Max Pond,” said Colin.
“No, Colin. It’s too early.”
“But everyone is here! Here, talk to Michelle.”
“Col-.”
“Hey Kim, why won’t you come here?”
“Secret word,” I commanded.
I waited as she probably stepped away from the crowd.
“Tube socks.”
“Okay, good.”
“Tell me why you won’t come!”
I sighed and made sure the door was locked. I shifted the phone over to my other ear.
“Never mind. I’ll tell you later.”
“Fine,” she sighed.
“Bye.”
“Peace.”
I closed the phone and began to hear more vomiting. Yuck! I went over to my closet and pulled out my old school backpack. I went into the bathroom Sam and I shared, and packed my toothbrush, my travel shampoo, my razor, and body wash. I threw it into the middle compartment and zipped it closed. I went back into my room and threw in makeup and clothes. I just piled things in. It was just an instinct. I was a mistake. My parents were fake. I had to leave; to runaway.
I threw in some sheets. I put my iPod in with my teddy bear that played music. I ran downstairs and packed in small amounts of food. I ran back upstairs and dumped in all of my money. I had $186.28 saved up for the mall. I also threw in some summer clothes. I don’t know how long I will be gone, but I need to make it through. I put the bag down and picked up my phone. I pulled off my hoodie. I put my phone on video and began to start a video.
“Hey Michelle, this is why I can’t come to the park.”
I put the camera up to my body. Showing every slice on the lens, I turned it back to my face.
“Don’t show anyone.”
I turned off the camera and sent it to her. When I had stretched my arm out to represent the cuts, my other arm hurt even more. I packed everything that was necessary in my bag. Some were unnecessary, but I still wanted them so much. My body was aching, but this was for the better. I shoved the bag underneath my bed.
I opened the window and sat on the still. The cool winds with the sunshine warmed me. I looked down at the snow. Elephant came and sat down near my dangling toes. I picked him up and rested him against my chest. His heart beating, but slurring to a stop, calmed me. The text ring tone for Michelle was whistling itself out of my pocket.
The text message was blank. A calm text that I was hoping for. I closed my phone and looked up. The sunlight was peeking out of the light clouds. I ran my cool fingers down the furry critter. I closed my eyes too. I leaned my bruised cheek against the window. My foot kicked the air. I was in my own sanctuary of peace. Elephant’s steady heart beat was slow and calm. The cool winds on me were soothing my cuts.
“Take out the garbage!” my father said.
“Okay,” I mumbled. I had to agree with my father.
“Help your mom clean the house.”
I sighed. He heard it and turned to me.
“I said clean it!”
“Sure.”
He smacked me on my same bruised cheek. I simply stood there. I stared intensively into his eyes. I could make him crack. There was a spoiled, dead, chick inside of the hard shell. There was no way that I could. The shell was thick, and if I attempted to crack it, it would break. Everything would spill out. There he would be; more dead and spoiled than ever.
I walked out into the hallway and he followed me. I stepped down the stairs. I tried to be fast, but I hurt too much. I went to the garbage can in the kitchen and pulled the bag out. My body ached more and more with every muscle that moved. I cringed as I lifted the heavy garbage outside. Great, I have to clean too I thought. I lifted the lid and dropped the garbage into the can. There was no relief at all.
I walked inside and cleared off the counter. I took long graceful strokes. Things were always bad in my house, but never this bad. I had the parents that were like little sixth grade girls. They would find anything to hold against you. I was over realizing that life was supposed to be like this. I was in high school; I was no longer ignorant to my family and its actions. I squeezed the pink and yellow sponge and sopped up the soapy water.
My brother, well, he was the perfect one. He was the perfect football player. I, well, I was not perfect at anything. I wasn’t even perfect at being myself because I couldn’t find it. No matter how much hope there was in the world, no matter how much faith, and peace, and everything to complete the world, I was a lonely island. I was out of the world. I was missing from the earth. That is why I had to leave. I’ve fed up with the alcohol and smoke of my father. I’ve silently screamed to silence of my fake and always working mother. Elephant was eating his food. He was the only cat and Michelle was the only human that could understand. They were the only people to show how much they cared for me. Then again, they were the only ones to know.
I left the sponge on the counter and went to the computer. I clicked on the Yahoo® search bar and typed in runaways. I waited for it to load. I got up and closed the door. I looked at the computer as my eyes zoomed past the screen. Finally, I found it. It said that about 76.7 percent of runaways are neglected and abused at home. I will be one of those microscopic decimals in that percentage. I will be one to find myself. I will find everything I need in this world. My island will reach Earth. I will no longer be another face in the hall. I will not be anything in the hall because I am running away.
I went upstairs and grabbed my bag. I walked over to my parents’ room and said to my father, “I’m spending the night at Michelle’s. Bye.”
He mumbled something I couldn’t understand and I walked downstairs. I pulled out a piece of paper and a pencil.
Don’t look for me.
I put the pencil down and placed the paper on the counter. I walked out of the door that I never wanted to walk through again. It was February, but still extremely cold. A thin layer of snow covered my sneakers, but I dealt with it. The wind threw my scarf and hair around my face, but my skull cap held it down. I didn’t know where to go, so I walked to the secret beach. It reeked of pot and beer there, but I had no other place to go. I sat down on the thick pebbles and sand and took out my cell phone. I looked for Michelle’s number and began to call her. It rang and rang.
“Hello?”
“Michelle, it’s me Kim. I need you to pretend that I am your mother calling you, and that you have to go home. Start complaining.”
“Mom, why now?”
“Good job. Now I really want you to come to secret beach. Sigh and say fine, then hang up. I will see you soon.”
She did as I told her to, and she was there in ten minutes. I heard the grass rustling as she pulled her bike through it. She smiled and came running towards me. Michelle hugged me so hard and it hurt so much, but I didn’t care. I hugged her back. And she stepped away. She held both of my hands.
“I’m leaving,” I told her.
What?”
“I’m leaving.”
“You can’t, Kim. I need you.”
“Then runaway with me.”
I saw a tear slip from her eye and she spoke again, “I can’t, but I will help.”
“No,” I said.
She looked at me with her dark brown eyes and said, “Please let me help, please.”
“No, Michelle, it’s too hard. I can’t stay here anymore. I have to go. I love you.”
I pulled my hands away from hers and grabbed my backpack. I slipped it on my back and went to hug my best friend for the last time.
“If anything happens, I will have my phone off, but I will check my messages often. Take care. I love you.”
I began to cry on her shoulder as her arms wrapped my rib cage tightly.
“I’ll miss you,” she said and I left.
I walked up to the train tracks and waved goodbye, but she was gone. I could hear her nose sniffing up mucus. I walked over the train tracks and left the horrible town. I never wanted to see it again.
“Wait,” she yelled. “Wait!”
I stopped and I saw her coming up on the other side.
“Stay here tonight. See everyone one last time.”
“No, that will only make it worse.”
I turned my back and just kept walking.
“Goodbye,” I heard her say for one last time.
I shifted the backpack on my shoulder and kept on walking. And then… I turned around. I walked straight back into my small town called Manasquan and started to walk towards the beach. That beach was too public, so I walked to Spring Lake’s. I sat underneath the boardwalk. I would never let anyone see me. If they did, I was busted. I was totally busted. I got up and walked to the water.
It put my feet on the jetties and let the wind blow in my hair. The clouds darkened the skies and I could tell a storm was coming. I lifted my arms up and closed my eyes. I walked closer to the edge and just stood there. I opened my eyes and looked to my right. I could barely see Manasquan and its huge inlet. I could only see a big boat in the distance. Suddenly, Manasquan turned black. My eyes blocked it out. The last look back is black I thought.
I turned around and went back to the boardwalk. I climbed up the side and went towards the lockers. I looked around for an empty locker or and unlocked one, but none were in sight. I picked up a huge rock near the showers and chucked it at a lock. The lock snapped open and I opened the locker. I grabbed an umbrella from it and went back to the boardwalk.
I put all of my stuff underneath the umbrella and sat there. I grabbed my knees and leaned my head on them and just cried. I cried until I was totally out of tears. I wiped my tears off my face and just lay down on the sand.
I began to close my eyes and just relax, but I heard voices. I heard people coming. They came closer and closer. I poked my head out and saw a boy and a girl holding hands. I knew them; they went to my school! Crap. I left the umbrella and picked up my stuff and jut ran away. I was one of the fastest girls in the grade. Everyone knew my straight fire-red hair and long dark coat, but I had to go.
“Is that the weird girl Kim in your second period gym?” I heard the boy say.
“Holy shit I think it is.”
I turned around and looked at them with my deep blue eyes. I could make my eyes turn green if I wanted, so I did. They just stood there, frozen. I turned my head and ran some more. I used to always run on the sand. I would get rid of anger that way. For now, I just ran to run; to run away from everything, but never hope.
“Wait!” I heard the boy yell. I forget his name, but I remembered the girl’s. Her name was Veronica. I turned to face them again.
“Kim, wait!”
I turned again.
“What are you doing here?”
I took my bag and dropped it on the ground.
“Nothing,” I lied.
I left. I picked up my bags and left. I just kept running. I picked my phone out of my pocket and turned it on. I dialed Michelle’s number faster than my fingers could ever move.
“Hello?”
“Michelle, I need you to do something for me on Monday.”
“Uh… sure, Kim. What is it?”
“Do you remember that blonde girl Veronica in P.E.?”
“Yeah.”
“Make sure that she doesn’t tell anyone about me.”
“What do you mean?”
“She saw me. She and the really ugly boyfriend that works at Rocco’s saw me.”
“Oh crap. They are big chatter mouths. I’ll make sure.”
“Thanks. I have to go, bye.”
I hung up the phone and turned it off. I slid it back in my pocket and just kept on running. I looked behind my shoulder. I could barely see them. I ducked underneath the boardwalk.
Bleed
I sat there. I just simply sat there. My heart ripped open and the tears streaming from my face, I simply just sat there. My heart bled and bled. My heart was a giant cut and the only way to make it heal was for it to bleed. I sat there as the tears fell unintentionally off my face. If my heart didn’t heal, it would get infected. A small infection was already forming from my childhood.
I let the grains of sand slip through my finger tips. I rested my chin on my knee. The tears fell off my cheek bone and onto my knee. My purple skinny jeans soaked up the little puddles.
I felt like Alice from Alice in Wonderland with the giant ocean surrounding her because she had cried when she took the potion to shrink and grow. I smiled and picked up more sand. I thought of the talking door knob. He was so stuck up. And I thought of the big bottle that got smaller and larger as Alice grew. It was my favorite movie. I loved it. I loved getting lost in it. Surprisingly, I had never read the book. I plan on reading it one day.
I stood up with my bag and my back still hunched over. I walked over to the other side of the boardwalk and went up the stairs. When I was little, I used to go here with my brother and babysitter in the summer. I tried to remember the streets and the curbs, but Spring Lake was a very confusing town. I walked and walked and walked. I twisted and turned and twisted some more, but I still knew I was going in the right direction. Finally, I came across some familiar streets.
I didn’t look for Third Ave because too many people would be there. I don’t want people. Then I decided, I wanted to go to Third Ave. I wanted to see the stores and the beauty. I want Coppelia and the Chocolate Shoppe. I wanted to have humanity for one last time. I wanted myself. I wanted the Christmas rush.
I turned around. No. I can’t have it. I can’t have everything I want. Especially now. I could never have anything, but running away wouldn’t give me more than I could ever manage, it would just give me one more thing. My life. I wouldn’t get my life back, because I never had it.
I held my bag with my hand. The glove was thin and the cold seeped into my pale skin. The other hand sopped up a tear that tore from my eye. It was the first tear of joy that I had in a long time. I walked by Hoffman’s and down route seventy – one. One last time I thought. I had to go into Manasquan for one last time.
I just had to get onto the parkway. I had to leave this place. I had to leave my friends for myself. I had to leave my “family” for myself, too. There was no sacrifice in that, but I would miss Elephant the most. I would miss his comforting meows and his warm, soft fur.
ELEPHANT! How could I leave him behind? How could I trust him in my old house alone? He was the only reason I could remain silent to the world. He was the only reason I had never called the cops. We both had our deep blue eyes.
I stopped on the sidewalk. I was standing right across from the Ice Hut. I stopped dead in my tracks. I grabbed my head and yanked off my hat. I screamed in disgust. My thumbs tried to hold my jaw line up and my other fingers rested nearest my temples. I dropped my hands and ran shaking my head. Cars zoomed past and I zoomed past cars.
I had to deal with it. I could never be perfect, and the world would never reach mine.
Lost
It was then, at that very moment, I had lost hope. Perhaps, I had covered it too much. Perhaps, I just had to keep looking. Perhaps, I would never get it. I was lost and I had to find everything. I held myself together for now, but soon enough, I would be gone. I would no longer be able to survive.
