all about dark holes

[pre]On Monday morning, I woke up in a hole. I am farmiliar with the hole. It happened sometimes. I could always tell as soon as my eyes opened.

The hole was a dark place. A place full of misery, hoplessness and self-pitty. Although the hole existed in my head, it still swallowed me whole.

It happened sometimes. I wish I knew why.

The night before, I had watched as my sister and her friends drove off into the darkness. My parent didn't care that she was out that late; they were too busy trying to figure out what was wrong with me.

Was I angry? No, anger was too active an emotion to exist in the hole

I kicked at the blanket that covered me. I didn't want to get up but i had to use the bathroom. Peeing write there on the bed was a bad idea. I fi just stopped eating and drinking then i wouldn't have to get up. But if i did that, I would wither away and die.

Yes

I got up and hauled myself to the bathroom. I saw myself in the mirror; my hair was a dishiveled mess, i had bags under my eyes and my skin was then same drab colour as the bathroom tiles.

I leaned in so close that my nose left a greasy spot on the glass.
"You are pitifull. You know that? You disgust me." I said to my reflection.
I watched as my tears rolled off my cheeks and sputtered onto the sink.

I walked to my bed and slumped facedown, arms at my side. There was a slight tapping on my bedroom door.
"Are you up?" My mother called.
Up? No, not exactly up.
"It's me." She said like that made a difference. I wouldn't care even if it were the President of the United States.

I raised my head and looked at my pillow. it was a colour called almond. A nut-coloured pillow.

"I made pancakes." My mother tried again
"I'm not hungry." I said mostly to myself.
"I just want to make sure you are okay."

I wasn't okay. I was light years away form being okay.

There was a brief silence, then the sound of feet walking away.

I put my face down on the pillow and thought of the medicine cabinet and what it contained; a small tube with thirty two pills. thirty two pill that would end it all.

But maybe i didn't need the pills. Maybe, if i lay there it would just come naturaly.

I held my breath and waited.[/pre]

Hey, welcome to YWS!

Firstly, I must ask you to check out the rules and FAQ, we do ask you do at least two reviews before submitting anything (review:submission, 2:1), but because I am brilliant, I will have a look.

I am farmiliar with the hole.

'familiar'. Also, I am unsure about this sentence... it's a bit dull, yes?

There are a lot of spelling mistakes here, so I will just say to use a spell-checker and get that sorted out. Honestly, nobody will take you seriosuly if you don't use them.

Also, be sure to check out grammar when using dialogue.

I reckon this could be made into an intriguing opening, but I found that the well-written parts were distracted from the various weaker sentences. Be sure to limit your usage of 'were' and 'was'. Those are very dull words, you need more action verbs, fun descriptions etc.

Have a go at just general sentence structures, I felt that the first paragraph was a little... dull and it just didn't grab my attention.

Good luck,

-Mark

On Monday morning, I woke up in a hole. I am farmiliar with the hole. It happened sometimes. I could always tell as soon as my eyes opened.

- Good Idea to open the story with something that is different. It makes the readers want to read more. Just one thing. I would take out the second sentence and fix the wording of the fourth sentence. It sounds kind of awkward.

It happened sometimes. I wish I knew why.

Instead say I wish I knew why this happens.

The night before, I had watched as my sister and her friends drove off into the darkness. My parent didn't care that she was out that late; they were too busy trying to figure out what was wrong with me.

-- okay you switch back and forth in tenses. Say drive off. Always stick to one tense.

Peeing write there on the bed was a bad idea.

-- should be right

I saw myself in the mirror; my hair was a dishiveled mess, i had bags under my eyes and my skin was then same drab colour as the bathroom tiles.

--- instead say "I looked at my reflection, digusted and yet unphased. My hair was a disheveled mess,...

I watched as my tears rolled off my cheeks and sputtered onto the sink.

-- use a different word than sputtered like fell

I raised my head and looked at my pillow. it was a colour called almond. A nut-coloured pillow.

-- take this out. I don't see the relevance of it.

thirty two pill that would end it all.

Should be "Thirty two pills that could end it all"

I really liked the opening of this story. Great idea of comparing sadness and depression to a hole. Really original! I liked the story in general but I have a few suggestions:
1) I don't think enough happened in this story to really make it a chapter. I kind of ended too abruptly for my liking. You need to make more of a plot come out here. Think up events that you can make happen in this opening.
2) Always show don't tell/ Don't tell the readers what to think, show them how to think

Other than that I think you're on the right track! Keep up the good work!

Hello and welcome to YWS!

First of all, I'd like to take this chance to direct you to your rules. It's both polite and required to make at least two reviews before you post a story or poem of your own.

As I can see, this is your first post. Because I read it before checking your posts, I'll tell you what I thought of it, but if you want a more detailed critique, make a couple of reviews and then PM me, I'll be happy to critique this piece properly.

Overall, I was confused. What was going on? Who is this girl? What's wrong with her? This could be alright as a prologue, but it needs work, particuarly the issue of telling instead of showing.

Okay? You all set? Go do some critiques, PM me and I'll do this in more detail.

Good luck!

I would say there's not a lot to change on this personally, but it could be developed into a longer piece, and make sure your grammar and spelling is checked.

I thought it was a really strong piece of writing and you captured the depressive state of your character perfectly.

Oh, and I just noticed one more thing; obviously it's difficult to do when writing first person, but there are some bits where you have 'I' and 'myself' written a little too much. It gets very repetitive and a bit irritating. For example, here:

I got up and hauled myself to the bathroom. I saw myself in the mirror

And don't forget to capitalise 'i' when it's a personal pronoun.

People are confused about this? Wow. I thought it was a rather brilliant play on depression. Good job.

The only problems I saw were grammatical and spelling and people have already pointed those out to you so I won't do the same thing. Nice job.

spelling, grammar, and format need work. also you need more reviews.

i got the depression bit, but there isn't much to keep a reader locked in. since this is your first post, i'm going to assume this is the beginning of something. you have to catch the attention earlier than you do- most good readers can tell if a book is worth their time by the second sentence. it's harsh, but true.

a trick that works for me soemtimes is if you take the story, write a beginning, but then, after you hit a stride and it starts to flow, go back. edit the beginning to make it match the rest. or if you find maybe page two is a better start, cut off the head. that's why we do drafts. and i don't mean of beer .