The Rose

The Rose

It sat in one corner of the park. It sat untouched by the playful rampages of the children. Most plants on that playground didn’t last for very long before they were trampled upon or uprooted by the careless actions of those at play. But this one remained. The children treated it with reverence, for it had been there long before them. It had been there when their parents were children, and their parents before them were children. It had probably been there long before the park was built, though no one alive could remember that far back.

In any case, a rose on a playground is a very odd thing. Many stories came up to explain it. Some said that an elf, or a sprite, or some other fanciful creature had planted it and had put a magic aura around it. Others said the rose’s origin reached far back before the white man. The most popular version of that particular tale was that an Indian man had been slain by some wild creature. When his young wife had wept over his grave the rose had sprung up from his heart. Others said that the rose grew there simply because good himself wished it to.

Whatever the origin of the rose was, that was not the important thing to those who knew of it. Externally, this appeared to be just a common rose. But it had curious properties. No one knew just when it was realized, but the general consensus was that the rose possessed amazing healing abilities. You could hear various stories from all sorts of people. Children who said their scabbed knees and scratched arms had returned to normal in the presence of the rose. There was a former homeless man who said the rose had kept him alive on one snowy winter’s night. Once a woman had been in a motorcycle wreck at the nearby intersection. Her arms were bent in odd positions and she had many deep cuts. The paramedics carried her past the rose on the way to the ambulance. As the passed through the presence of that curious flower she became whole again, as though the terrible accident had never occurred.

So the people lived with that wonderful flower for a long time. But one day a rich man came to that part of town. He looked upon the park and saw everything in it. And he said to himself, “This would be a good place to put a large store. I will buy this land and do just that. The store could make me some more money.” So the rich man went and took some money and bought the park.

When the people heard of what the rich man planned to do, they were horrified. They came to him in droves, begging him to keep the park and not buy the store. The rich man told them not to worry. He would donate some money for a new park elsewhere. The people said no, this was not about the park. They told the rich man about the rose and the magic powers that it possessed. When he heard their tales he scoffed. He did not believe that one flower could do such things. Magic was for children, he said, not for grown ups. Though the people pleaded with him, the rich man would not spare the rose.

The day came for the park to be leveled. The entire neighborhood turned out with sullen expressions. They watched the machines as they started to work, disassembling the playsets and tilling up the ground. They started on the side of the park opposite the rose and worked their way across.

Suddenly a cry went up and the machines stopped their tasks. The rich man came running, demanding to know why the workers had stopped. They brought him the body of a small boy; breath just newly left his chest. The rich man’s heart stopped and his mouth opened in shock when he saw the boy. It was his son, the only son his wife had given him before she had passed away.

“How did his happen?” the rich man asked, grief welling up in his heart. The boy had been playing too close to the machines, the workmen said, and had gotten in the way before they knew what was happening.

The rich man took the body of his son and wept loudly over it. Just then a little girl came out of the crowd and walked up to him. She tugged on his pant leg and pointed across the park. The rich man followed her finger. There, in that hallowed corner of the park, stood the rose, as beautiful and as powerful as the dawn.

The rich man shook his head. “No,” he said softly to the girl, tears in his eyes, “It’s too late. He’s gone, my son is gone.”

But the little girl shook her head. “The rose,” she said in that simplistic way that only children are capable of, “The rose can make him better. It can save him.”

“But how?” the rich man asked, disbelief still shadowing him.

“It just can,” the girl said, “Please, you have to believe. Just put him there and the rose will save him.”

The rich man looked at the body of his son; the warmth all too newly left it. Then he looked down at the little girl. The bright light of truth and faith shone in her eyes. Then he looked at his son again, letting a tear fall on the tiny cheek. And then the rich man looked across the park at the rose. He gazed at it for a long moment, wondering how such a thing, no matter how beautiful it may appear, could save his son from beyond the rift of death. Then the rich man cast aside his disbelief. With slow, difficult steps he carried the limp body of his son across the park to the rose. The entire crowd watched as he placed him beside that sacred flower. Then he knelt there, in the lowly dirt, and looked hard at the plant. The rose seemed to look back at him, gazing at this one who would destroy it with an expression of love that was impossible to replicate. Then, to the rich man’s amazement and joy, his son began to breathe again. He bent over him, scarcely hoping to believe the impossible had happened. But it had, and the rich man was overjoyed. He picked up his son, who was already asking his father what the matter was, and tears of pure happiness and gratitude flowed from his eyes.

Now when you go to that part of town, you will not see the same old park. It is now a lush green place. Soft grass grows over all parts of it and lovely beds of flowers decorate its grandest walks. Everywhere there are great stone benches where you may sit and smell the wonderful fragrances that all the flowers exude. And in that much hallowed corner of this new Eden, that rose still stands. For the rich man knew in his heart that he could not destroy such a great thing. So he built not a store, but this wonderful green place that stands forever as a shrine to that which we do not understand, but still will aid us. And beside that crimson rose there is a small stone with these words engraved upon it.
No good thing ever perishes from the earth

Hello! The numbers next to the highlighted piece correspond with the numbered 'highlighted comments' below. Look out: it's long! (And took me an hour! Jeez...)

Pages one and two down the first column, three and four down the second.




Highlighted Comments

Warning: These are rather harsh, but it WILL help you improve. Please just skip all these numbers if you don't want this kind of review.

1. Immediately I want to know what this is, but that’s not always a good thing. I’m too lost here, and it creates the opposite effect. Maybe go for some scenery here? Like ‘the sun never touched the corner of the park. It sat in the shadows, it’s dark petals unable to show their brilliance.’ Hmm…I’m tired, but something like that. Just so you can give us a little bit of a question to keep us reading, but not keep us completely in the dark. Also, this gives us a better visual.
2. I don’t think you should start with ‘it’ again. This should be combined with the first one, or you should re-look at the first two, as I mentioned above.
3. This lost the little bit of attention I still had. For one, it’s the third sentence in a row that has no breaks in it. Also, show us this! Simply switching the order will help. Maybe ‘children’s careless actions often uprooted the plants on the playground quickly, but this one remained.’
4. I showed you how you could combine it with the previous sentence, but if you don’t want to, I’d ditch ‘but.’
5. This isn’t possible – is it going to be a legend or something? (I saw ‘sprite’ in the next paragraph.) In that case, I’d hint at something like this sooner. Hmm…I don’t really know where this is going, so I can’t help you much yet.
6. What’s the point of this? I’d delete it. It makes me think that you’re about to talk about how this one case is even more odd, but you don’t.
7. Watch your sentences: they’re all like this. Add commas, colons, semi-colons, dashes, whatever. Many of these can be combined or expanded, and it would help a lot.
8. I’d pick one in specific and name it. That way it would sound more like that was what people believed. People need certainty, even if it’s really impossible. I think that the story going around would be that one of them had planted it.
9. Maybe ‘argued’ instead?
10. (This comment is for the whole paragraph.) I think you should expand on these stories more. Give each depth. Also, you started with ‘others said’ twice – it’s annoying. I like the order you gave them, but I don’t think that these should be clumped into one paragraph – it looses it’s effect. Also, I’d cut it down to three versions. This is just getting wordy. (I’d do the aura one, the Indian, and the wished it to. Oh, and is ‘good’ supposed to be ‘God?’ You may want to make it ‘because it wanted to.’ That would satisfy many more people in this town you’ve created, and many more readers. It seems more likely to be an explanation to me.
11. I think this is personal preference, but I’d rather see ‘wasn’t’ here. This kind of slows down the reader.
12. You’re comparing here: I think you should start with ‘internally.’
13. Don’t sound unsure of yourself, even if the town is! I’d put ‘People had come to a general consensus that the rose possessed amazing healing abilities.’
14. I’d start a new paragraph right before this. Also, this makes me get prepared for a list, but you didn’t really give me one. Maybe ‘It seemed that everyone had there own story to tell.’
15. Every other one is about one specific person, so this seems too general. I’d say ‘a children scrapped her knees and scratched her arms, but then returned to normal in the presence of the rose.’
16. I’d also go into more detail (if you make it just one child.) Did they fall from a tree?
17. I’d ditch these two words. It sounds odd, like you’re trying desperately not to make this a list.
18. If you listen to number 16, also ditch this word.
19. I’d go into a bit more detail. What had happened? Was he stuck on the highway? Locked out of a cabin?
20. Same thing; you’re trying desperately not to make this a list. I’d ditch this word.
21. Show us a bit more. This is complete telling. Maybe ‘Gashes covered her body, and her limbs stuck out at odd angles.’ It’s still telling, but you don’t start with a pronoun, so it’s a bit less noticeable.
22. Show a bit more, and watch these plain sentences.
23. I’d ditch this word. You’re not talking to friends here.
24. Hmm…Not the best transition. Maybe say that they began using it to treat injuries, that it was cherished, etc, and then start a new paragraph where you can say ‘All that changed when a rich man came.’
25. Expand! Everything’s way too general. Maybe ‘…and saw everything in it – the possibilities to save lives, to put stores in, to make money.’
26. Hmm…This is kind of getting childish, very different from your initial voice. I’d ditch this entire part. We know what he’s thinking – we’re not stupid.
27. You’re not talking to friends – try not to start like this. It’s an excuse for a transition that doesn’t work.
28. Again, a child’s tone. We know that he’s a rich man – I’d replace it with ‘he.’
29. From where? It sounds like he stole it. I’d say ‘…withdrew his money from the bank, and bought the park.’
30. Again with the child’s voice. Call him he or give him a name.
31. I thought he was going to make the store, not buy it?
32. This should be combined with the previous sentence.
33. If you want them to speak, use dialogue. If not, get rid of the ‘[person] said.’ You use it often. Maybe ‘The people were appalled at his suggestion. It wasn’t about the park! It was about the rose, and the magic powers it possessed.’
34. Suggestion: ‘He scoffed at their plans.’
35. This is a good use of ‘he said.’
36. No! You were doing so well. Despite what you may have learned, it IS okay to use ‘he’ a lot. (Well, sometimes…it’s okay here.)
37. I don’t really care that they’re watching. Why should I? I have no relation to them. Show us their reactions.
38. ‘Horton Hears A Who’ much?
39. Really, give him a name!
40. Show us, please. This should be expanded into a whole paragraph, and the next sentence should be a new one.
41. Expand! Does she push her way through, her head just barely reaching the waist of the crowd? What?
42. Must I say it again?
43. Who would do this? A parent is desperate for their children to survive – he’s dash over there and try. Maybe show that he’s confused, have her remind his of the tales, and have him be wary but willing to try anything?
44. Then then then…Use other words!
45. Sticking an ‘and’ before it doesn’t help. ;P
46. Slow down this scene and show us everything. Let us feel the man’s anticipation, and remember all five senses.
47. This entire paragraph had WAY too many ‘then’s.
48. You use now in the next sentence. I’d rewrite this. Maybe ‘When you go to that part of town today, you won’t see the same old park. You’ll see a lust, green field.’
49. I’d ditch this word.
50. You need apostrophes around this, and you forgot to double-space, making it loose it’s affect.

Overall

Sorry about that, but I really felt this piece needed a nit-picky review rather than an overall one, so I’ll keep this part brief.

Honestly, this wasn’t great. You have a really mature voice, and it shows. But this feels like a children’s book to me! A way to fix this is to talk about the action as it happens. At the very end, when his son dies, you talk about the action as it happens, but at the beginning, you don’t. (See the difference?) It makes the writing much more sophisticated. You are no longer talking to little kids – you’re writing something that I’d see in a young adult novel.

However, this does lack description. Use all five senses, and emotions. How would you feel if you lost a child? Think about this – let yourself cry over it – and then capture the emotion on the page.

Finally, don’t lecture us so much at the beginning. Jump right into the action. Have him move to the town, and show us the people telling him the tales, trying to talk him out of it.

It IS a good job – don’t loose all faith. ;P Just keep your voice consistent. I think that, if you just into the action right away, you’ll do better. Make sure you read – all kinds of books – constantly. You don’t see this kind of telling at the beginning of books, do you?

PM me if you have any questions – it’s unlikely that I’ll check this thread again. Please don’t kill me for the long review, just ignore me if you don’t like it. If you DO like it, PM me for more critiques on other pieces. (I’m trying to get more stars.)

Good luck, and happy editing!

~JFW1415

I disagree a bit with the comment up there. -_- I think this was adorably written.

One thing though, there were too much info dump about the rose that it made me rush to the 4th paragraph just to avoid being lost in your story. Maybe you could say something about the rose in just one paragraph then onto the real deal. so that you don't lose your readers at the beginning.

Just an itty bitty idea: I thought that there could be another version for this and it seems like pretty butterfly:P
----Maybe the Rose blooms daintily, attracting shop owners to parade their lucks near the rose, then as they have wished it would, their business would prosper. [you interject the scene where the boy gets into an accident] then when the girl points at the rose, she doesn't mean that the rose will save him, rather, it was the rose's fault. They forgot that roses have thorns. -_- that goodness could deceive them and make them fall into the devil's clutches.

HAHAHA! Ack, that was nothing. I just thought of it.

Hey!

This is what I have for nit-picks:

The boy had been playing too close to the machines, the workmen said, and had gotten in the way before they knew what was happening.

I think you need to put this into quotations. Like: "The boy had been playing too close to the machines," the workmen said. "And had gotten in the way before we knew what was happening."

No good thing ever perishes from the earth

This last sentence whould be in italics so to emphasize that this was on the stone. Also, I put this in here because I thought it was a perfect ending to your story.

About your story, it was very up-lifting. I think you did really well with it. I know this might be really old and you might be finished with it but I think this is a very good piece.

I really can't think of much to like about this, sorry. It's an okay idea, its just presented in a way thats kind of childish. I'd like to see it more seriously written, not as kid's-picture-booky.