Lit

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Further perhaps? I don't know where this is going...comments/critiques much appreciated.
______

Shifting light laced itself into the hair of a mischievous-looking boy who called himself Set. Above him towered a dilapidated apartment building. It seemed to tilt over him in an almost protective motion. Late rays of sunlight bounced dully off smudged windows and attached themselves to the ferocious eyes of the mocking boy. The skyscrapers paid no attention to what didn’t concern them, unlike their conniving inhabitants.

As the sun slipped away and cold, mirrored lights began to re-illuminate the city, a yellow cab pulled up next to the vindictive child and honked. Set approached the cab, staring at himself in the tinted window for a moment longer then was necessary, and then slid into the cab, slamming the door harder than the driver might have liked.

“You need to clean your windows. My face was nearly unrecognizable on its filthy surface.” The boy giggled like a child and slumped in the leathery seat, no longer interested by the window if his reflection could not be seen.

“Your pretty face is going to get ripped off sooner or later, and then you will thank me for my dirty windows,” said the driver, a grimy sort of fellow with a voice slightly hoarse from hours of empty conversation and eyes dripping light because they could no longer contain anything good.

“Don’t be morbid, Trev, and don’t forget that I would cease to exist without my beautiful face. And if I remember, existence is required for gratitude, and your windows will never be acceptable in any sense.”

“Don’t try to sound mature and intelligent. In your case, imitation if far from flattery,” laughed Trev; Set looked sullen.

The traffic was lighter at this time, the distant scent of dinner drifting through the city and dragging the hungry off the streets languidly.

“I suppose you aren’t going to ask me how it all went,” said Set, sitting up and leaning lethargically on the back of the passenger seat. Trev glanced back at him, melancholy amusement scribbled on his unshaven face. “Ah, forget it. You’re not one to feed my vanity, are you? Say nothing, my friend, and drop me at West.”

‘Where did you pick up that stupid affect? You sound like a British schoolboy.’ Trev wondered if his comment could possibly be interpreted as affectionate and he hoped it couldn’t. Distractedly, he turned a sharp corner, stopping in front of a lifeless tree, weighed down by broken Christmas lights.

“Leave my accent alone. And don’t accuse me of going to school,” he added, slumping down in his seat again and staring moodily at a purple line down his hand. “Dammit, Trev. You’re being an ass today.” The boy began to climb out of the car, his movements sharp and annoyed.

“Set! Schoolboys still have to pay taxi fair!” He leaned back and grabbed Set’s jacket, stopping him.

“Don’t have any money,” muttered Set. “Why did you pick me up in the first place?” Disentangling Trev’s hand from his jacket, he stepped out of the car, slamming the door spitefully. Trev backed up abruptly and then jumped forward onto the curb, striking Set in the back of the leg with the front bumper. The boy fell on his knees heavily and rolled out of the way as Trev sped forward again, apparently trying to truly injure him beyond repair.

“Dammit, Trev! I’ll pay you later--you’re going to kill me!” he cried, getting shakily to his feet, Trev had gotten his left, back wheel stuck on the curb and his engine was stalling. Massaging his bruised leg, Set began to laugh. He narrowed his eyes precociously, his laughter genuine but his intentions shady. He knew that he attracted destruction and, despite his bruised leg, found it thoroughly amusing. Finally, Trev gave up and backed up violently, crashing into an already wilting tree and knocking it through a window. “Stupid. Stupid…” Set put weight on his injured leg and winced. “Damn you.”

Set had not told Trev where he was going, or where he had been. He was anxious that Trev might ask, afraid that Trev might be able to detect a lie in his voice, and so he had used his best act of infuriating arrogance to dissuade his friend from inquiring at all. There was a certain amount of compassion in this act, but Set did not know about it and likely never would. Set knew that Trev might offer to help if he knew what kind of trouble the boy was in and that was what Set must prevent. Not because he cared for Trev’s welfare, but because help was the last thing one bent on destruction is going to accept.

As he rounded the corner into the most decadent part of the city, he let his mask fall off; his face now that of a frightened fifteen year old boy and scarcely anything like the kid who Trev had tried to hit with his taxi. Set didn’t always recognize himself and this was one of the times he might have easily had a conversation with the mirror.

A subtle scent of wrongdoing and malicious intent slipped under Sets skin as he limped down the dirty sidewalk. The lights that sprang off streetlamps and store signs clashed impetuously in the limp air. The faces that flickered in and out of the gaudy lights were nothing but phantom memories to Set; he knew them all from his nightmares.
_____

“That’s what you remember, but nothing close to what I said.”

“I don’t much care about what you said. I am here concerned with what you meant. And what you meant is only an interpretation. In other words, I decide either way.”

A damp room furnished in silk and satin drapes dripped with the fatigue of confusion and mocked the argument that drifted out of importance. The boy, Set, was standing behind the beaten sofa, playing with the grimy, satin hangings and refusing to admit defeat. His attacker was laying indolently in a velvet armchair, a shock of silver-brown hair half-hidden by a pinstriped hat. Set did not care for the argument that he had accidentally landed himself in. He had come home to find the argument laying in his armchair and had yet to be rid of it. Certainty as to what measures should be taken to be rid of the man, and his hopeless demand, had not been decided on yet. Set stalled, trying to cover up his indecision with useless words.

“Well, at this point, I think we have gone far enough down the road of empty threats and it is time to truly threaten each other,” said Set, pulling the drapes around his shoulders and glancing out the window at the selfish lights; he despised their insistence on him having curtains, why must they stay so safe in themselves and keep everyone else in the dark? Selfish lights, he hated them.

“Stupid boy. None of my threats have been empty and I do not make a habit of speaking empty threats; quite unlike you.” The man’s insult had hurt Set. The term ‘stupid boy’ should never be used on someone who had worked so hard to be neither. Set felt his endless effort crumble at his feet and he looked up.

“For some reason I don’t think a stupid boy could possibly have something that you would want. You being so refined and intelligent.” Set pulled the curtains down violently, sending a dim shaft of light across the cluttered contents of the room. “But perhaps I am too stupid to know that; too young and immature, right?” This boy was suddenly no longer the boy that Curtin had felt safe threatening.

“W - what?” Set was fairly sure that Curtin didn’t want to understand him, but he went on anyway.

“What if one must break the rules to let the light in? Which is more important, to drive away the dark that we sometimes despise so much, or keep the law that we always hate?” Curtin stood and stepped behind the chair, wanting to put something substantial between him and the mad boy. “What if you are the thing that is keeping me from the light? Am I justified in…removing you altogether simply to gain that greater good?” Set smiled haughtily. “Tell me, Curtin, what is your opinion on this matter?” But Curtin was unable to articulate his opinion and Set greatly doubted he had one at all. Set’s violence was not that of passion or even that of calculation, it was simply that of Set; Set was violence. Destruction yearned for the light but was unable to ever reach it. Yet, somehow, the cold realization of futility could not seem to get close enough to end what could only go on forever..

Set had wanted Curtin to understand. He would regret later not allowing some form of realization to sink in. It mattered little, for the light kept to itself; when the curtains fell the light that the boy craved skipped away, leaving a trail of blood in it’s wake.
Last edited by ChernobyllyInclined on Wed Mar 25, 2009 1:54 am, edited 5 times in total.
"Men invent new ideals because they dare not attempt old ideals. They look forward with enthusiasm, because they are afraid to look back."




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Wow. This was fantastic.

The only mistake that I found was when you repeated 'armchair' in the paragraph about the intruder. Other then that, flawless.

Although I liked the story I must admit I agree on the empty description. I didn't feel like I was really learning about Set, only what he and everything else looked like. I suppose it could just a short story, but it does not seem to have enough content to be a consistent short story. I would say you need to add more character development and really get to KNOW the characters. I feel there is too large of a distance between the people and the places. They need to be more connected.

I would like to see a real character of your creation. I feel he or she would be ridiculously good. Don't give up even though you failed. That is quite mean.
"Men invent new ideals because they dare not attempt old ideals. They look forward with enthusiasm, because they are afraid to look back."




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Er, Chernobyl, you seem to be making remarks on your own story. If apt ones, rather curious, yes? ^_^;

I ought to go over it...the dialogue is worth a moment in itself, I think. Though the two characters at times sound somewhat too similar.










IMP
ex umbris et imaginibus in veritatem

"There is adventure in simply being among those we love, and among the things we love -- and beauty, too."
-Lloyd Alexander




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You reviewed one of my stories so I decided to return the favor. I really don't understand what this is about. Just what is Set out to do, and why is he doing it? And does his name have any kind of symbolism, seeing as how Set was the Egyptian god of evil and chaos? If not, why name him that? People will draw the conclusion that he is what he is named after, and if you don't intend that it might be a bad thing. And who is this Curtin person? I never really got his whole role in the story. Is there more to it perhaps?

But in spite of all that, I really did like it. Excellent dialogue use, better than most of mine.

kudos :)




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*stares blankly* I'm not sure i understand the story. Or is it just we aren't supposed to because only Set could? You lost me at that moment of taxi cruelty[lol:D] because why would Trev do that? Are they both mentally-ill or whatnot?

Other than that, I loved the dialogues. It showed more than it should. The twist on Set's pretty face becoming a fallen mask was pretty lovely. :)

I sensed something grudgingly deep here.

Further perhaps? ;)

<3 JACE
In heaven there is only you, on earth you are all i want. -Psalms 73:25




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Yes. It makes no sense. Or the sense that is does make is not connected to the sense that it is meant to make.

Thanks everyone for reviewing and perhaps I will attempt to put a little more sense into this somewhat impossible story.
"Men invent new ideals because they dare not attempt old ideals. They look forward with enthusiasm, because they are afraid to look back."




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I will also review this story as a way of thanking you for reviewing mine.

I also didn't really quite understand the story, but for someone who is, apparently, 16 years old, it is quite an excellent piece of literature. I'm going to keep reading it until I finally understand it, but other than that, keep up the good work.

:D




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and cold, mirrored lights began to re-illuminate the city a yellow cab pulled up next to the vindictive child and honked.


Ooh, me likey this sentence, but shouldn't there be a period between 'city' and 'a'? And, as you know, you would then capitalize the 'a'. xD

‘Set! Schoolboys still have to pay taxi fair!’


I'm pretty sure it's fare, not fair. :)

He leaned back and grabbed Set’s jacket, yanking him back.

Oh no! Nu is infected with repetition disease! Couldn't it be leaned sideways, or- or something?
Oh, wait, I had a good idea, How 'bout it's like this: "He reached out and grabbed Set's jacket, yanking him back." PLEASE? Just no repetition. It burns so badly, especially when your such an awesome writer.

Other then these mis-illuminations, I quite liked the story, although Set seems oddly... shadowy. Sort of... insubstantial... or is it unsubstantial? Whatever. ENNNNNYYYWAAAYYYZ, GUYZ.
Hmmm... it was a good beginning to a story, but when I read your stories I often feel like I'm floating through a foggy mist, with nothing to hold onto and nowhere to stand. I dunno, maybe everything is too real. xD
All in all, though, MEEEE LIKEEEEYYY.

Keep going, keeping going!
-Sela

"And then I'm going to prove you as the liar that I know that you are!" -Whale Training
"I'm teached a whale to jump out of its tail!" -Whale Training
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest




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Thanks for the reviews. Anyone who likes this at all, review some of my other stuff too.

And, Sela, the repetition in that sentence is barely noticeable. So there.
"Men invent new ideals because they dare not attempt old ideals. They look forward with enthusiasm, because they are afraid to look back."




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You're really a beatiful writer, i really liked the first paragraph. i would critique, but I'm busy right now and I just had to tell you that your writing is awesome!
If life gives you lemons, throw them back at life and scream "I don't want your damn lemons!"



All my life I've wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
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