My Vampire

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A breath of icy wind stirs the thick foliage above my head. Its frosty fingers stroke the bare skin of my arms and face. I shiver, from more than the cold. Shafts of moonlight break through trees at random intervals, casting a silver glow on the forest floor. What am I doing here? The middle of a forest in the dead of a winters night.

‘You’ve gone mad. This time you’ve well and truly lost your mind,’ I quietly tell myself. But I know exactly why I am here. Only his call could have brought me from my toasty bed to such a chilling place at this time of night. My footsteps make a dull thud as I walk and my ears strain for the sound of his approach. But I know I wont hear it. The force that pulls me weakens. I must be getting close. Suddenly it ceases all together and I stop in a patch of moonlight. I unconsciously hold my breath in anticipation. Out of the shadows a shape slowly appears. It moves into the light.

‘Justin,’ I breath. Hair as black as coal frames a face of such surreal beauty that it cant possibly be human. High cheekbones, straight and perfect nose, lips a faint splash of pink again skin as pale as the moonlight he stands in. And those eyes… An intense shade of violet. My heart stops as I notice the mad gleam in the eyes I love so much. A daring smile flickers across his face, revealing how unnaturally pointed his teeth are looking. And I realise why the pull had been so strong.

‘You should know better Bree,’ he chides as he moves towards me with the stride of a tiger; graceful, but with an immense power lurking just below the surface. I wonder for the umpteenth time how on earth the rest of the world could believe him to be human.

‘You're… you're hungry,’ I stutter, petrified, as he moves ever closer. That smile flashes again.

‘Ravenous,’ he replies. My breathing quickens as I stare into the incredible thirst that clouds his eyes. I can see how he is struggling for control.
‘I thought I had taught you to ignore my call. You should know the danger.’ He stands right in front of me. I can feel his breath on my face, as cold as that icy breeze. He puts a hand on my waist, gentle yet firm. I should run, but I know I won't. I could never run from him. I drink in his beautiful face as he leans towards me, trying to feel some form of fear or regret that it‘s the last thing I will ever see. But all I feel is the intoxicating fire his presence awakens within me.

‘You really should know better,’ he murmurs as he pulls me against his lean but muscular body. The chill that radiates from him seeps into me, making me tremble. But I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world. I can feel how tense he is, fighting the battle for control that I’m sure he will lose. My heart is pounding like it is trying to escape my chest.

‘I know I should, but it’s as hard for me to resist as it is for you to stop from calling,’ I tell him, but he isn’t listening. The scent of my blood is tormenting him. I sigh quietly.
‘I’m going to die aren’t I?’ I ask. The only regret I feel is that my time with him will be cut short. How foolish I am, to regret that I couldn’t spend more time with my killer. I should hate him for ending my life, or at least fear him, but all I can think is that if I’m going to go at least it will be in his arms. He grins wickedly and slowly bends his face towards my neck. His lips gently brush my throat, but then move up to my ear.

‘Not tonight.’
Last edited by deavarna_satina on Mon Apr 14, 2008 2:01 am, edited 1 time in total.
The problem with falling for the enemy is that you can't take them anywhere ~a Titleless Tale




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I know it's a little cliché, but there is only so much you can do within the guidlines that my teacher gave me. Anywho, I appreciate any tips on improvements :-)
The problem with falling for the enemy is that you can't take them anywhere ~a Titleless Tale




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I thought this was really good. Your descriptions were great and there was one particular line that made me smile:

A breath of icy wind stirs the thick foliage above my head. Its frosty fingers stroke the bare skin of my arms and face.


This beginning to your story was perfect! It drew me and held me until the very end. Very well written! I think your english teacher should give you an A+ :)
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


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I really enjoyed this. You have some good descriptions, and I liked your idea. Have no time to say anything else, but just wanted you to know that it's good.

B+




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Hello! Haven't seen you around before, welcome to YWS! I'm Stella, I shall be critiquing for your au jourd'hui.

Okay, I absolutely adored your opening. It's gorgeous. But then it kind of... I don't know. It went really Stephenie Meyer, and no offence meant if you like her, it's a matter of taste, but I even noticed the girl was called Bree... I don't know, maybe none of that was intentional, but... yeah...

Okay, nitpicks:

'Your… your hungry,’


should be "you're"

I should run, but I know I wont.


should be won't.

Apart from those, it was very well written, it's my own taste that prevents me from loving it, that's all. I reckon you'll get a really good mark. My only advice would be to be less clichéed, but you seem to realise that it is clichéed, so I'm guessing you know what to work on.

PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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I didn't think it sounded very much like Stephine Meyer...
I liked it alot. I'm really into vampires and this was a great take on them.
will you be continuing this???
I think it'd make a great novel. The charaters are great.
PM me if you decide to continue.

~Rachael
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Thanks for your comments guys. I really appreciate it. I ended up getting a B+ :-)
The problem with falling for the enemy is that you can't take them anywhere ~a Titleless Tale




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I loved your descriptions. And yes, it was a bit cliche, but what vampire stories aren't? And if you keep going, the characters will be different than the other ones and become more origional. That is if you want to continue it.

And I would give you an -A. I mean there were a few nitpicks, but the descriptions were beautiful!!! And I didn't think it was Stephenie Meyer at all. The style was completely different, but I did notice the similar name.

Sorry this is so short, but I really liked it!

-Kaila
... :D ...
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