The Lucky Friend

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It’s my first day of school and already I know that my high school years are going to be interesting. I am sure that being a “new kid” from down south in a popular school such as this would always be interesting. Never did I dream that I would leave my home state, but I guess things happen for the best.
So here I am, fifteen years old and starting out as a freshman at Willow High. The second I walk through the doors I feel myself being calculated and weighed by every student I pass and I thought of what they saw. Already I was tall, six feet and 150 pounds. My hair is black and cut short because of the heat of my home state. I was thankful for my eyes though. Eyes that always looked piercing and had a way of hiding what I was really feeling. So walking down the hall as a rather good-looking freshman, I didn’t feel too nervous.
From my pocket I pull out a schedule I folded more times than was necessary. I glance at it and note that my first class is P.E.
“Of course,” I thought. “That is just my luck.”
The school gym was really big, made of cinder blocks the size of my arm. Walking out the back doors and onto the lush grass of the football field made me crave the familiar feel of the ball and cheering of fans. Back home I was the star football player and in such a small town, it was a big deal. Here though, the stands were empty.
Off to the side of the grass I notice a student sitting alone, staring in my direction.
“Football season has just started,” A look of surprise came over his face when I spoke as if he didn’t expect me to even acknowledge him. “The goal posts aren’t even up yet.”
He seemed hesitant to speak at first then made up his mind that I was no threat. “In Willow we take more pride in our basketball team, haven’t lost a single game for three years. You must be a new kid.”
His voice cracked horribly and I could tell he was the kind of nerdy freshman that would definitely ruin any chance of me making good friends.
“What’s your name?” He asked shyly.
“Arie Johnson. How about you?”
He got up and scrambled to shake my hand. “Finch Ruben, It is a pleasure to meet you.”
I raised an eyebrow, “Finch is your name?”
“Er… actually, my real name is Mark. In elementary people started calling me Finch.” He laughs nervously.
I was quiet for a few seconds.
“Do you like that name?” I finally ask.
“Well…..” His eyes never seem to meet mine. “I’m used to it I guess.”




I decide to let the conversation pass; he already seemed uncomfortable as it was. Being the nice guy he was, he even gave me a tour of the school and told me a little about my teachers. By the time the first bell rang I knew where the cafeteria and all my classes were and I had made a very good friend.
When I stepped into my P.E. class I again felt myself being judged by fellow classmates. Some smiled and nodded in an approving manner and others glared. All there reactions made me feel good.
“You can love me or hate me all you want,” I thought smirking a bit. “At least I have one friend.”
Coach Conway called for all of us to line up; we were going to choose teams for dodge ball. This is the moment that some people dread and some love. It really just depended on how popular you were.
Teachers think that it’s a simple thing to do, just pick people and play ball. But the students know the truth of the matter. The “nerds” are usually all on the same team and are bludgeoned by popular jocks. I’m surprised they allow such a horrible sport.
Of course I have nothing to fear. I sprinted to my place in line between a tall red head and a buff jock. Both eyed me up before establishing that I would definitely be on there team. After picking a few more people the game started and by the end of it, two guys on the opposite team had broken glasses. And one by the name of Earl freaked out and started screaming at everyone and crying.




While walking to my next class I was surprised to find Finch waiting for me just outside of the gym.
“So how was your first class?” He asked.
I thought of Earl and what his father would probably say to him once he found out what happened. Would he understand?
Then I thought about after the game, when we were all in the locker room and the jocks were talking so fast and laughing about how “well” the game went.
“It was okay. Everyone was real nice to me.”
“Well, I guess they would like you.” He tried to make it sound like a joke but I heard the bitterness in his voice.
Then a final thought entered my head.
What side would Finch have been on?
I already knew the answer even before I asked myself. Those people in there would have never given a nice guy like Finch a chance.
‘Yeah, they were quite a bore though.” I added hastily. “I think we talked of more interesting things.”
“Really?” He asked wanting to believe me so much.
“Yeah,” I reassured him again. “Screw them.”
I am really lucky to have a friend like Finch. I guess things do happen for the best.
[b]




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ok, hi, welcome to YWS and pre-warning, sorry about my probably over-harsh critique

(the stuff in bold is what I would suggest adding, and the other comments that pertain to the italicized words are under the quote)


It’s my first day of school in my new town and already I know that my high school years are going to be interesting.


switch the 'already' and the 'i', it will flow better


I am sure that being a “new kid” from down south in a popular school such as this would always be interesting. Never did I dream that I would leave my home state, but I guess things happen for the best.


I'm is much more colloquial and high-school-like

Also, in general this passage seems to be strange in the order of what you talk about a)you know that moving would be interesting b) you never thought that you'd move. Maybe you could combine these and say that you never thought you'd move, but that you were sure that it was going to be interesting?

So here I am, fifteen years old and starting out as a freshman at Willow High. The second I walk through the doors I feel myself being calculated and weighed by every student I pass and I thought of what they saw.


the first bit could be cleared up, and for the "I thought of" maybe "I tried to imagine what they saw and what they thought of it"


Already I was tall, six feet and 150 pounds. My hair is black and cut short because of the heat of my home state. I was thankful for my eyes though. Eyes that always looked piercing and had a way of hiding what I was really feeling. So walking down the hall as a rather good-looking freshman, I didn’t feel too nervous.


you used "already I" in the previous passage, maybe "Luckily, I was"

oh, also, you were tall, not you "was" tall, since you were tall for a period of time (were, imperfect, for a continuing or repetitive action, usually one that goes over a period of time) and not for, say, one second (past, used for events)

From my pocket I pull out a schedule I folded more times than was necessary. I glance at it and note that my first class is P.E.
“Of course,” I thought. “That is just my luck.”


two things, you seem to do a lot more inverse-type sentence structure; saying " I pull my schedule out of my back pocket" isn't illegal, and can sometimes be easier to read

second thing, thoughts are usually in italics with dialogs in quotes

The school gym was really big, made of cinder blocks the size of my arm. Walking out the back doors and onto the lush grass of the football field made me crave the familiar feel of the ball and cheering of fans. Back home I was the star football player and in such a small town, it was a big deal. Here though, the stands were empty.


"really big"is a more juvenile way of putting it; big words aren't all bad! you can say "huge", "gigantic", "enormous" as well

the second thought, about his flashback to being a football player and its importance in the different societies could be smoothed out...

I decide to let the conversation pass; he already (not necessary, choose between "already" and "as it was" later on in the sentence, since both of them together are redundant :D) seemed uncomfortable as it was. Being the nice guy he was, he even gave me a tour of the school and told me a little about my teachers before school properly started. By the time the first bell rang I knew where the cafeteria and all my classes were and I had made a very good friend (a bit early on in the friendship for it to be a "very good" one, maybe say "I already had what promised to be a very good friend" or something).



Coach Conway called for all of us to line up; we were going to choose teams for dodge ball. This is the moment that some people dread and some love. It really just depended on how popular you were.
Teachers think that it’s a simple thing to do, just pick people and play ball. But the students know the truth of the matter. The “nerds” are usually all on the same team and are bludgeoned by popular jocks. I’m surprised they allow such a horrible sport.


a) how do we already know the coach's name?
b) dodgeball is one word i think, when you're referring to the sport
c)people isn't really necessary... "some love and some dread" is fine
c) "the students know the truth of the matter" makes it sound really important to the story when, in reality, it isn't so how about something like "but the students view this choice in quite a different way" or something

Of course I have nothing to fear. I sprinted to my place in line between a tall red head and a buff jock. Both eyed me up before establishing that I would definitely be on there team. After picking a few more people the game started and by the end of it, two guys on the opposite team had broken glasses. And one by the name of Earl freaked out and started screaming at everyone and crying.


i think that redhead is one word... ehm.... oh!

"there" should be "their"

there--place
they're--they are
their-- possessive, like

"They're over there with their team"

confusing one, i know

The last bit is a lot better, and I have run out of time... Sorry for killing your piece!


All in all, i thought that this was really good for a first post, grammar and awkward diction aside. The idea is really good and, if you wanted, you could add on to this or expand parts of it.


Good job! :D

-Izzy
My policy on life: you're wasting it by being sad and making others sad, so hug someone today! :D




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Welcome to the YWS! Pretty good for your first post. I agree with all what Izzyeyore said. Good luck!
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I agree with all the grammatical changes that Izzyeyore made. I noticed that you changed from past to present tense a couple times, especially during the dialog; make sure the whole story is in one tense. Honestly, I thought that the theme of this piece was weak, but that might just be my personal preference.

My other suggestion is to add more imagery to your piece. Use similes (i.e. why is Finch called Finch? Does he look like one?), metaphors, and description. Those will make your writing much more colorful.

Keep writing!
My main project until Script Frenzy is an experiment using blog posts between four characters as episodes of a common story. You can read this work as it progresses at http://knowallchronicles.blogspot.com/.




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Hey! Haha. I wasn't really into the whole writer shebang. Not an aspiring one either. I appreciate the critique regarding the punctuations and all. Very observant of you. ;p anyway, not for arrogance'sake but it does get better in the succeeding chapters. ;D and it does get all mixed-up and confusing but it will be cleared out before you know it. ;) Kinda my style. At least you of all people know now! HAHA! And oh thanks really for the review. ima post the next chapters. hope you'll appreciate what trash ill be throwin out! ;p Peace! xoxo-JACE
In heaven there is only you, on earth you are all i want. -Psalms 73:25




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You have a good start here. The only thing I think you could change would be to try and show us rather than tell us what is happening (if that makes any sense at all. I'm super tired right now so I'm not positive if I'm making sense :) ) I also think you need to describe more of what happens in gym and how his conversation went with Finch as they walk around school. It seemed to go a bit too fast for me.

Umm, but I do think you have a nice beginning here.

So hopefully, that all made sense to you!

Good Job!
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There are a lot or grammatical errors that you should correct.

Anyway, it was nice. I liked it.

Happy Birthday trick!
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