Why?

A ustomer. The man is rough, strong, his fingernails are filthy, his eyes are like chrome. The seller smiles his smooth smile, the slick words concealing sorrow. Some bargaining, some words. They will be forgotten before Night draws her cloak. From within some inner pocket, the seller draws a key, unlocks the bamboo cage. Within it, children huddle against the corner, whimpering like animals, pulling away in terror from the cruel and oiled hand.

The minutes pass, and the customer leaves, satisfied. Behind him is a small boy, trotting when he's not being dragged by the harsh rope around his neck. As one, the children in the cage turn their backs, press against the side again, crying or sobbing. The sold one will not be remembered long. No one is, in this place.
The seller stands aside, waiting, trying not to think. He wants to run away, run fast and hard and never come back. But his wife is sick, his child is sick. He needs more money for the physician, he needs them to live. Yet he knows that he will never be able to sleep soundly again. The strongest spirits will only keep the nightmares away for a while. They always return. The thoughts come back, unbidden:
A month ago. The girl who he’d seen before, whose face has burned itself into his memory, whose dark eyes were solemn and wiser than a ghost. She’d asked a question the first time, instead of crying or calling for her mother. Why?

Then she’d returned, sold back and forth until she reached his cage again. This time, just before the matriarch dragged her away, she’d spoken louder, no question in her voice. I forgive you.
He wonders how she can forgive him, when he’s sold her life to the old woman, where she’ll spend her days serving people without thanks. He sold her future, and yet she forgives. He can’t forgive himself, he can’t even forgive her for meeting his eyes, for making him question, for making him doubt. Yet she forgives.
Why?

nice. But also confussing, so he sells kids? and are they black like the slave trades in America from like forever ago or like the whole underground stiff that goes on in like Mexico. and when you say "his eyes like iron, or stone." just go with one of them. I think it could be either one but just pick. i liked it and you should keep writing

I really, really liked this. It took the first couple paragraphs for me to get what it was about, but I think I like it that way, it was a good lead up. I agree with MADD about choosing either iron or stone. (Personally I prefer iron [= )

Other than that I enjoyed the reoccuring 'Why?' It's sort of cliched, but you but a good spin on it that made it interesting.

Greatness is before me on this screen! Hehe.

Hello. Nit-picks first, overall below.

A customer.

I’d put ‘new’ in between.

The man is rough, strong, his fingernails filthy, his eyes like stone, or iron.

I also think you need to chose one; I like stone better.

pulling away from the cruel greasy hand.

I don’t like you repeating this. Maybe delete the original?

for the physician; he needs them to live. Yet he knows that he will never be able to sleep sound again. The strongest spirits will only keep

Needs a semi-colon instead.

I don’t see why there is a ‘yet’ here, it doesn't have anything to do with the previous sentence.

Strongest spirits: What do you mean?

she’d spoken clearly, with no lie in her voice. I forgive you.

Clearly: Apparently she also spoke clearly the first time, and you said ‘this time.’ Maybe say her voice shook slightly the first time?

Does she see something to let her know why he is doing this? Maybe she gets a glimpse of his sick wife?

This was a powerful piece, especially for the length. I like that it makes me think; I wouldn’t go into too much more detail. My only extra suggestions are these:

1. Make the seller a little nicer earlier. Just little things that let us know that he’s being forced to do this.

2. Add ‘and.’ You ramble. A lot. It works every once in a while, but watch out. Having all of those commas in one sentence gets very annoying after a while. Try splitting up the sentences or adding and. (Or semi-colons. )

3. Too much description. Only in certain parts, though. We don’t need to know so many details about the appearance of the girl, seller, and customer. They slow the piece down.

4. Watch your spacing. Especially with your last line, which really needs to stand out. Make sure you double-space everything.

5. Two minutes and one month. These really bother me. The two minutes made no sense at all, and the one month sounded like it needed ‘ago’ at the end. I’d just ditch them; they don’t do anything for you.

6. EXPAND ON THE GIRL. This is very important; it's what gives this story the extra emotion it needs. Make her more human, explain why she forgives him, why she is strong, anything you think you can explain without ruining the story.

Other than that, I loved it. This is really good, but it is missing something. I can’t pinpoint it, sorry. Hopefully someone else can.

Good luck! PM me if you have any questions!

~JFW1415

I also like "stone" better for the description. And I liked this whole thing. Very interesting. I was a little confused on the seller-customer part. I found myself thinking that the seller was the one with greasy hands and stone eyes, etc. It'd be better if you somehow made that more clear.

Points for creativity. Very good. I liked the part where he rememebred one of the sold girls saying "I forgive you".

this one was a little confusing in the beginning but the ending was good. how the girl forgave him even though what he was doing was horribly wrong. as an overall piece, it was a creative work.

Hey there, Pickle!

Nitpicks first...

The man is rough, strong, his fingernails filthy, his eyes like stone, or iron.

This is a little awkward... I suggest you put in an "and" after "rough" and a semi-colon after "strong" and an "are" after "fingernails," thus making it: "The man is rough and strong; his fingernails are filthy, his eyes like stone, or iron." I also agree with the others that you should settle on either "stone" or "iron" but not both.

Yet he knows that he will never be able to sleep sound again.

Should be "soundly." ^_~

The strongest spirits will only keep the nightmares away for a while. They always return.

These two sentences should be joined with either a semi-colon or a dash.
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Overall, the grammar and flow seems to be quite sound (except for a few things JFW1415 pointed out). I love the kind of pensive, yet powerful voice... although you do have a few choppy sentences here and there which you should look at.

My only big suggestion is that you add some description: is the sun shining relentlessly or is it sleeting? Maybe it's foggy? I can't tell--you don't say. Add a bit more description and you'll have a masterpiece, I say.

I also agree with JFW1415 in that you should show WHY the girl forgives him, because as it is it seems a bit unrealistic.

I really like this piece, overall!

I hope this helps. PM me if you have a question/comments about my critique!
~Azila~

Thanks for the critiques guys! I'll edit it ASAp (I'm using the free computer in the hotel lobby right now), and I promise I'll take it all into consideration!

A brief explanation: I was reading a book of like, one page stories, and this idea just came to me. It's based slightly on the Ancient Roman slave trade, but I'm not sure where or when it's set. Thanks once more- A.K.

Its fine that its going to be short, but just make sure you know what your talking about (ie: where it is and when) before starting. This will alter your story, which is why science fiction and history are seperate sections; they're completely different.

I've edited it, and further critiques are not only welcome, they're begged for.

To answer some questions: spirits means alchohol. It's just a fancy way of saying it. Also, the style is a little strange. It's supposed to make you feel vaguely blurry, half dreaming, surreal. That's why it's hard to tell what's thought, what's narration.

The girl's forgiveness happens to be modeled on a real life experience. Some people may remember the huge affair all over the news, where a little girl (she was five) was shot by a man, and paralyzed permanently. Yet she forgave him, and no one could figure out why. I like to think that it's because in some ways small children are incredibly wise, empowered by the empathy adults preach about yet so seldom have. You've noticed, surely, that a small child wants to give money to the homeless, help the animals, play with certain others even though biased parents forbid it. That's why the girl forgives: it's the only thing to do, the only thing that matters.