It's all going too fast and gets confusing. Maybe you should try and space out your writing.
"Cold surrounds me, envelops me, cradles me in its deceiving arms. Long icy string things are piercing my sides, yet they are steadying them. I clutch at them, and I find that they are fleshy, like lushly growing plants. Next comes smell—an intense sense of smell meets me. Ocean air. Sea salt that burns in my throat. Mist that is so gentle in touching my face and streaming through my hair that smells of seaweed and kelp."
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I really liked that part! This is a unique piece ...not often that I get to read something like this.
So yeah, I liked it!
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that. --Ellen DeGeneres
A lot of the story sounds more like poetry than prose. I'm new here and don't really know what most of the sites' posts look like, but I can honestly say I've never read anything like this. I really like the way you combined both styles.
*Tries to make quote box thing, fails, and copy/pastes from story instead*
"And me, with my sharp features and my crow’ black hair and steely gray eyes that lacked profound amounts of gentility and mercy, me, with my free-lance ways, my bitter past, the ache in my chest that never ceases to pull me down, I, the last countess, the White Queen."
Maybe split this sentence into three sentences?
I agree that you need to space out the paragraphs, but overall I loved this piece.
This is my 1st review and i don't really know what I'm doing. If I send it incorrectly and someone who did not write "The Crossing" receives this, please tell me what I'm doing wrong.
