Nikki the Chicken

*I wrote this very, very short and stupid story today at school out of sheer boredom and because all of my friends and I have been joking around with my best friend, Nikki, by making plays like 'Nikki gets shot' and 'Nikki the Turned' it's really fun because we're all good writers. Well here it is*


~Nikki the Chicken and Fire the Fox~

There once was a chicken named Nikki. She lived on a farm called Bickley. She wasn't a very smart chicken. In fact, she was very stupid.

Now, a small family of foxes lived near the farm. One of the fox pups, named Fire, was very smart and quick-witted. Fire snuck over to the farm constantly to steal chickens.

One afternoon, Fire was scaveging the forest for food. As she neared the farmers fence she spotted a plump, brown chicken, staring at the ground and walking in a circle. Fire's mouth began to water as she squeezed through a hole in the fence and pranced up to the chicken.

"Hello," she greeted the stupid animal.

"Hi!" the chicken bawked and looked up at Fire.

"What's your name?" Fire asked, a vicious smile playing across her face.

"Nikki. Nikki the Chicken." the bird replied, somehow curving her beak into a smile.

"Well, Nikki, I'm Fire. Fire the Fox. Would you, Nikki, like to join me, Fire, for dinner?" the sly fox questioned.

The chicken's eyes lit up. "I would! What are you having?"

"Wild berries and seed." Fire lied slyly. The dumb chicken nodded and follow Fire through the forest, were she quickly became the fox's dinner.

You may be a good writer for your age, but there are quite a few things along the grammatical and punctuation lines. I've listed a few below:

There once was a chicken named Nikki, she lived on a farm called Bickley.

This sentence is a run-on. Either change the comma after Nikki to a semicolon (;), or a period.

One of the fox pups named, Fire, was very smart and quick-witted.

Move the comma after 'named' to after 'pups.' It should be, "One of the fox pups, named Fire, was...."

One day Fire was out scavenging for food when the smell of chicken hit her. She took off through the forest and squeezed through a hole in the farmer's fence. Once she was over the fence she saw it.

All three of these sentences have the same format; that makes them sound boring. Maybe try switching it up.

"Hello." She greeted the stupid animal.

This should be: "Hello," she greeted the stupid animal.

"Hi!" The chicken bawked and looked up at Fire.

"The" should not be capitalized.

"Well, Nikki, I'm Fire. Fire the Fox. Would you, Nikki, like to join me, Fire, for dinner?" The sly fox questioned.

Again, "The" should not be capitalized.

The dumb chicken nodded and follow Fire through the forest, were she quickly became the foxes dinner.

Were should be where, and foxes should be fox's.


Aside from these comments, it was a cute little story, if completely unoriginal. From the sounds of it, though, that's what you were going for. Next time try to post something you actually care about, not something you threw together because you were bored and high on your own 'talent.'

Hi there! I haven't seen you around YWS before. Ahoy! My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today. =D

"Hello." She greeted the stupid animal.

Quick grammar rule -- if you have dialogue and then speech tags following it, you don't put a period after the dialogue. Usually it's a comma, but if it's a question or an exclamation then it's that.

In other words, this should be:

"Hello," she greeted the stupid animal.

You do that a couple times. Be sure to keep that in mind!

Aagh! Short much? Very short! It's amusing, yes. If you were going for something more practical, I'd suggest more length and more detail. But if this was only meant to function as a piece of amusing flash fiction, then you've done your job.

If you meant this to be a bit more practical, let me know and I'll give you some more help! Oh, and feel free to send me a PM if you have any questions. =D

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

This has a simplistic, childish, fairy-tale type feel, but I think that's what you're going for, so I won't pester you about it. ^_^

She wasn't a very smart chicken. In fact, she was very stupid.

I think the period after "chicken" should be a semi-colon, thus making this: "She wasn't a very smart chicken; in fact, she was very stupid." It could also be a dash (--)

"Nikki. Nikki the Chicken." the bird replied, somehow curving her beak into a smile.

I believe the period after "chicken" should be a comma...

The dumb chicken nodded and follow Fire through the forest, were she quickly became the fox's dinner.

"Follow" should be "followed"

Overall, this is very silly and simple, but that's what you want. So good job?

Hope this helps! PM me if I was unclear about anything or you want more help or something.

~Azila~

Thanks everyone! I'll be sure to fix this up!