Those Girls

Hi,
This is just a random part in this story that I started. It kind of just popped into my head, I don't know what I'm going with it yet. I just wanted to see what you think! I know it doesn't show any feeling but I thought I'd post it to see if I should keep going with this.


My face flushed with anger as I awaited her response. Would she ever respond, or was it one of her stupid little mind games?

My computer bleeped as and IM appeared. It was from her, the one person who decided my future. Deep breath now.

My answer 2 u is no and u know why. Now, stop being so childish and don’t IM me anymore tonight, got it?

Little tiny sweat beads began to form on my forehead and the little black hairs on my neck stood up. Of course, she was going to make me embarrassed even when she was not around to see it; it was what she lived for. I knew she was going to show all her friends, and I was going to receive smirks from the all the catty, cruel girls tomorrow.

I resented this girl and her circle of friends so much, but yet, that was all I was working to be. To be one of those girls, to belong to them, to have the importance of them.

I chucked the wireless mouse at the wall in frustration. If only she would she just let me in, but I knew that I was going to have to work for it. Just like all the other girls did.

God, I hated that girl so much. She made me want this -- I came here to just be a regular student, and here she was, saying that I could get in and then just crushing it. Well, for once in my life, I was going to have to take action. I was going to have to do something about Taylor Berkley.



Please Review!

Love,
N

Moved to other fiction. You don't post your own works here, love.

Firstly, why bold it? But that aside, here's a critique for you:

Deep breathe now.

Huh? Did you mean: Deep breaths, now.

My answer to you is no, and you know why. Now can you please stop being so childish and not IM me anymore tonight. See you tomorrow in school! Ciao, xoxo.

Maybe this part should be in italics?

Sweat began to form like a pool on my forehead and the little black hairs on neck stood up.

That simile just doesn't work, unfortunately. Why not just say: Sweat began to bead on my forehead (etc)

Of course she was going to make me embarrassed even when she was not around to see it, it was what she lived for.

Comma after 'of course' and replace the comma after 'it' with a semicolon.

I knew she was going to show all her friends, and I was going to receive smirks from the all the catty cruel girls tomorrow.

Comma after 'catty'.

I resented this girl and her circle of friends so much, but yet, that was all I was working to be, to be one of those girls, to belong to them, to have the importance of them.

This is kind of a run-on. You might want to re-phrase:
I resented this girl and her circle of friends so much, yet that was all I was working to be. To be one of those girls, to belong to them, to have the importance they did.

I chucked the wireless mouse at the wall in frustration, if only she would she just let me in, but I knew that I was going to have to work for it, just like all the other girls did.

Another run-on, I'm afraid. Replace the comma after 'frustration' with a period.

God I hated that girl so much, she made me want this, I came here to just be a regular student and here she was saying that I could get in and then just crushing it.

Comma after 'God', and put a period after 'much'. Then re-phrase: God, I hated that girl so much. She made me want this -- I came here just to be a regular student, and here she was, saying that I could get in and then crushing it.

Well for once in my life I was going to have to take action.

Comma after 'Well' and comma after 'life'.

-----------------------------------

Those are just the nit-picks!


This is kind of bland, to be honest. Character developement? No. Imagery and description? No. It's obvious what the narrator is feeling, but I didn't feel any sympathy or anything for her at all -- I couldn't relate to her.

Also, there is no explanation or background info at all. Who is this girl? Who is Taylor? What is this 'circle' that she's trying to get into? I know it's from the middle of the book, but still.

Anyways. I have to go eat dinner now, sorry to cut short on the critique. Feel free to PM me any time with questions/comments!

Good luck,
Camille

Hello lakegirls! *waves*
Congratulations, you're my 14th review of the night. xD

Anyway...

Your intro: I think you should definitely flesh it out a bit. You could do a little bit more with your opening paragraph to really hook the reader. A couple more sentences should do the trick.

Deep breathe now.

Breathe is a verb, love. I'm sure you mean, "Deep breath, now," since you're using it as a noun and "breath" is the noun you're shooting for.

My answer to you is no, and you know why. Now can you please stop being so childish and not IM me anymore tonight. See you tomorrow in school! Ciao, xoxo.

In quotation marks mayhaps, just to disassociate it from the narration. Also, this could be fleshed out as well, and seems like a slight inconsistency in character. Would someone annoyed with someone else end the conversation with a jovial goodbye and kisses and hugs? Probably not.

Sweat began to form like a pool on my forehead and the little black hairs on neck stood up.

Should be "the little black hairs on the back of my neck stood up."

Of course she was going to make me embarrassed even when she was not around to see it, it was what she lived for.

A bit of a grammar error here, not entirely sure how to fix it -- either a semicolon or a hyphen in place of the comma. Not sure which would be better.

I chucked the wireless mouse at the wall in frustration, if only she would she just let me in, but I knew that I was going to have to work for it, just like all the other girls did.

Run-on sentence! Break it up. Best to put a period after "frustration."

The biggest flaw with this is that it needs to be fleshed out! If there was more to this it would be even better. Right now it's alright, but it has much more potential. Just remember, you need to lengthen the story to make the reader care. And yes, this may just be a beginning, but it still needs more detail, more descriptive language. ^^

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

I agree with Wolf and Saint Razorblade--there really isn't any character development. Why don't the "catty" girls let her into their circle? Just because she's not popular? Or is there something ABOUT her? There really is no reason for us to feel for her... she could be any teenage girl wanting to be admitted into any elite clique. That might be what you're going for, but it's just something to think about.

Also, why did you put it in bold? It's harder to read. Just do it normally.

My answer to you is no, and you know why. Now can you please stop being so childish and not IM me anymore tonight. See you tomorrow in school! Ciao, xoxo.

I agree that this should be in italics... but also, why not write it in chat language--or at least in lower-case letters. Something like: "my answer 2 u is no and u know why. now can u please stop being so childish and not IM me anymore tonight. see u tomorrow in school! ciao xoxo." If you just do it a little bit (like I did) I think that will be fine.


It's unfortunate that Wolf and Saint already got to this, because everything else that I have to say has already been said.

Good luck!

~Azila~

" shes one of those girls
they're nothing but trouble
just one look and now your seein double
before you know it she'll be gon
off to the next one"

Aha just reminded me of that song, i want to read more of this, so keep on writing chickie