Sly as a fox

i wrote this about 7 months ago for literature, so i hope you enjoy it. its only part of it....



SLY AS A FOX

It was getting cold, really cold. In the distance you could hear a faint whimpering, almost as if it were a small child crying for their mother. The cries would go on for hours and hours at a time, never seeming to stop, until when the cries began to grow silent, your hopes of a peaceful night would be ended, for when the cries started to fade, you could hear the cries turn into moans. Then all would go quiet. Then as if it were a small child being beaten, you could hear violent thrashing sounds; like a whip used to torture a slave in the old days. But down a dark and shadowy alley, a figure lurks, waiting for his chance to strike. The silence was so threatening, you could hear a pin drop on a marble floor five miles away. Then with a deafening blast, the silence is shattered by an earsplitting scream that tears the peaceful night, but as the hour lurks on, the screams slowly begin to fade. The stranger slowly made his quiet approach; he was so quiet you would think he was a fox, making its way towards its prey. Then without warning the screams would stop. But in there place you would hear more violent noises, like a crack across a slaves back when they did something wrong. With each one of these crack, there would be a small and quick scream of agony and pain. When dawn was about to shatter the darkness, the stranger, who had been waiting all night, made his move.

Ring…ring…

The sound of the telephone jerked Johnny out of a most disturbing nightmare, one that he had been having all week, he remembered everything so clearly, he would never be able to forget.

Ring…ring…

Johnny really hated phones. He reached his hand over towards the phone to find nothing but air, finding it was not there he sat up and looked around. There on the desk, was the phone, waiting ever so patiently to be answered. Swinging his legs over the side of his bed, Johnny got up and walked over towards the phone.

Ring…ring…

He hated having to answer the phone.

Ring… “Hello New York, New York Detective Agency, this is Detective Johnny speaking.”

There was a brief pause, then you could hear a muffled voice; it was like the person on they other end was crying but he really couldn’t tell. “I’m sorry, could you repeat that please?” Johnny sat up straighter. He had a feeling this was going to be a long phone call.

There was another brief pause then the muffled voice became clearer as if they had stopped crying and now spoke like they had never been crying in the first place.

“Yes. I need to report a missing person.” This really made Johnny sit straight up, as if he had a wooden board implanted in his back. He hadn’t had a missing persons’ case in almost three years. He kicked into full detective mode. Searching frantically for a piece of paper and a pen, trying to memorize as much as he could.

“Ok. Can you please tell me the name of the abducted person last name, first name, then middle name?”

Another pause. He was really getting annoyed.

“Yes, her name is Fergison, Sequoyah Anne.” At the sound of the name, Johnny bolted upright. Now where had he heard that name before?

“Ok. Can you please tell me their birth date?”

“Um… it’s December 24, 1979.” Ok. Now he had a missing child case to deal with.

“Ok. Can you tell me where they where born, city, state, county, and country?”

Pause.

“Um… I’m not quite sure, but I think it was in Alachua County, somewhere in Gainesville, Florida, in the U.S.” Ok. This was getting weird. Where was this person calling from? And who was this person? Was it their parent? Or maybe it was a relative?

“Yes, ok. Do you know where she was last seen?” This ought to be hard to find. Boy was he wrong.

“Um… one of her friends said the last time she seen her, she was walking home from school. Other than that I have no clue as to where she is. You see she’s my daughter, and she’s been missing for about five hours and she hadn’t come home yet. So I started to get worried. At first I figured she was over at one of her friends’ house, so I called over there to see if she was with her friend, but when I asked her friend when she had last seen her, she said she was walking home by herself. I think her and her friend may have had an argument and was mad at each other. But what I don’t get is how could she have been abducted, I mean I live like a block away from her school. She has gone to a friends’ house after school without telling me but she’s always called to tell me where she was! I getting really worried, I don’t know where my baby girl is!” At that, the distressed mother started to sob again, but he knew he couldn’t do anything about it.

“Ok. Um… Mrs. Fergison? Mrs. Fergison, can you please calm down? I need to know where you are currently residing. Mrs. Fergison, please can you cooperate with me?”

He didn’t think he was going to be able to understand her.

He soon got his answer.

After she had calmed down a little bit, he figured she was calm enough to be able to give him clear answer.

“Ok. Now what I need you to do is tell me where you are currently residing. Can you do that for me?” There was a pause then you could hear a coughing noise, like someone clearing their throat.

“Yes.”

“Ok. Good.” That wasn’t so hard he thought to his self.

“Let’s pick up where we left off, ok?”

“Yeah, sure. Right now I live in Stony Brook.”

“Ok. Got it. Now I need you to tell me your last name, first name, and your middle name. Can you do that?”

“My last name is Fergison. My first name is Leah. And my middle name is Michelle. Is that all?”

“Almost. Now do you have any suspicions as to who took her?”

There was a long silence.

“Mrs. Fergison? Are you there? Hello?” She must have gotten disconnected or something. He didn’t know it yet but he was in for a big surprise in the morning. As he walked back over to his bed, he noticed something that he hadn’t before. His front door was standing completely open.
Something was wrong. There was a movement in the back of the house, he didn’t know what it was, so before he went anywhere back there he walked over to the cabinet and grabbed a 22’ revolver. He wasn’t taking any chances, because if anything happened to him, well he just didn’t know.
Another noise came from the back. It sounded as if someone were trying to move something.

“Freeze!” Shouted a man from behind him. “Drop your weapon. Now!” The voice boomed through the house.

Slowly Johnny set his 22’ down, then turned around to face his challenger.

It was a thug.

“What do you want?” Johnny stared straight at the guy with so much intensity, it made the guy look as if he wanted to shrink back and dig a hole in the ground to hide in. It only lasted one moment.

“I don’t want nothing with you, my boss does!”

I'll start off by saying that overall, this captured my attention and I think that it was pretty well written.

I noticed that you seemed to have some problems keeping the tense consistant; you kept on switching between past adn present tenses in the first paragraph:

It was getting cold

...a figure lurks...

Just pointing that out; there are more instances of that, so I'd reccomend going through the first paragraph and re-writing it in a more constant tense. (Unless of course there's a terribly compelling reason why you intentionally did that, that I'm compleatlye missing.)

You should also change the "you" in the line "In the distance you could hear..." to "Johnny"; otherwise it seems to imply that the reader is suppsoed to be there. (At least to me anyway).

The cries would go on for hours and hours at a time, never seeming to stop, until when the cries began to grow silent, your hopes of a peaceful night would be ended, for when the cries started to fade, you could hear the cries turn into moans.

This is a huge run-on sentance, and it really needs to be broken up. I understand what you're saying here, and you've phrased some of it well, it's just that it's too long.

On another note, I really like the way that you've interrupted the second paragraph with the "ring...ring"s. It's a good effect, and you've used it well. The fact that Johnny hates phones is also an interesting detail about his charachter.

I think that you've done everything else from then on pretty well, especially the diolauge. The description is done well too (I really like the "s if he had a wooden board implanted in his back" line) , although I think that there should be a bit more of it, especially of Johnny. I would imagine that he'd answer the phone with his last name as well, and if you slipped in some physical discription here and there, it couldn't hurt.

The only other thing that really annoys me is his choice of weapons; a .22 won't do much for Johnny, unless he's gunfighting squirrels... A .45 would be much more appropriate...

So to sum it all up: I think that you've done a good job capturing the reader's (my) intrest, and you've introduced the plot well. I think that the main charachter still needs some more detail, because at the moment all I know is his name, his rreacurring nightmare, and his hatred of phones.

So I hope I have been helpful with my review, and I look forward to reading more. I take it it's finished -- how long is it?

that is only abiout half of it im probably going to put the rest of it on tomorrow....thanks, and iabout the part where it says you, i really did intend for the reader to actually feel like they were there.

It was getting cold, really cold. [First sentences are essential and I think you need to spend a little more time thinking about your. If you want to start with the cold then describe it more. Maybe something like 'Cold. The sort of cold that cuts through flesh perveated the night. It spread like a disease, snaking down every street, through every crevice.']

But down a dark and shadowy alley, a figure lurks, waiting for his chance to strike. [You've already changed tense several times. This appears to be mostly past so it should be 'But down a dark and shadowy alley, a figure lurked, waiting for his chance to strike.'] The silence was so threatening, you could hear a pin drop on a marble floor five miles away. [The metaphor of a pin dropping is rather over-used. Maybe try and think of something that fits your setting better like 'The silence was so threatening, you could hear the thin blade of a knife slice through air three streets away.'] Then with a deafening blast, the silence [s]is[/s] was shattered by an earsplitting scream that [s]tears[/s] tore the peaceful night, but as the hour [s]lurks[/s] lurked on, the screams slowly [s]begin[/s] began to fade. The stranger slowly [Try not to repeat slowly. Maybe cautiously?] made his quiet approach; he was so quiet you would think he was a fox, making its way towards its prey. Then without warning the screams would stop. But in [s]there[/s] their place you would hear more violent noises, like a crack across a slave's back when they did something wrong. With each one of these cracks, there would be a small and quick scream of agony and pain. When dawn was about to shatter the darkness, the stranger, who had been waiting all night, made his move.

“Ok. Can you please tell me their [It's been established that the missing person is female so he should say 'her' really.] birth date?”

“Um… it’s December 24, 1979.” [When writing speech, you need to write it out in full to show how the person actually says it. For example, some would say 'the twenty-fourth of December...' while others might use '24th December.'] Ok. [It would be more grammatically correct to use 'okay' so I'd suggest going through and changing it each time.] Now he had a missing child case to deal with.

“Um… I’m not quite sure, but I think it was in Alachua County, somewhere in Gainesville, Florida, in the U.S.” Ok. This was getting weird. Where was this person calling from? And who was this person? Was it their parent? Or maybe it was a relative? [A parent is a relative! Should be 'or maybe it was a more distant relative' or something.]

“Um… one of her friends said the last time she seen her, she was walking home from school. Other than that I have no clue as to where she is. You see she’s my daughter, and she’s been missing for about five hours and she hadn’t come home yet. So I started to get worried. At first I figured she was over at one of her friends’ house, so I called over there to see if she was with her friend, but when I asked her friend when she had last seen her, she said she was walking home by herself. I think her and her friend may have had an argument and [s]was[/s] were mad at each other. But what I don’t get is how could she have been abducted, I mean I live like a block away from her school. She has gone to a friends’ house after school without telling me but she’s always called to tell me where she was! I getting really worried, I don’t know where my baby girl is!” At that, the distressed mother started to sob again, but he knew he couldn’t do anything about it. [For someone in distress, that's a lot of details to give. Try to cut it down and make her speech more broken and fragmented. You need to show the emotion here, you need to show she's having trouble remembering because of shock or she's trying to think positive or is highly worried.]

After she had calmed down a little bit, he figured she was calm enough to be able to give him a clear answer.

____________________________

In general, I think you've got a good idea for a plot here but maybe add in a touch more description, work on the character of the mother and be careful with your tenses.

I think the character of Johnny is well defined but try to make him a bit more professional. Take a look at his speech and add to his vocabulary a bit. Also, describe how he moves about his office and how he looks, what he wears. That can make him much more professional or if you want him to be a rather ineffective detective, you could have him slouching in a chair in jeans and a grubby T-Shirt with a bacon sandwich and a beer.

Also, I'm not sure about starting this with a dream and if you must, make it brief and to the point. The focus of the story needs to be on Johnny, the phone call and the missing girl. Not on a recurring nightmare.

Good work, hope this helps a little,

Heather xx

p.s. feel free to pm me with questions or when you've posted the next part.

Hey, Night! I saw your work and I thought I'd pay a visit.

In the distance, you could hear a faint whimpering, almost as if it were a small child crying for [s]their[/s] its mother.

Then as if it were a small child being beaten, you could hear violent thrashing sounds; [comma] like a whip used to torture a slave in the old days.

But down a dark and shadowy alley, a figure lurks, waiting for his chance to strike.

I would probably delete that phrase, only because it's kind of a given that an alley would be shadowy when it's dark.

The stranger slowly made his quiet approach;

Slowly and quietly can almost go hand-in-hand. Look at what Heather said and adjust accordingly.

he was [s]so quiet you would think he was[/s] as quiet as a fox, making its way towards its prey.

Then without warning, the screams would stop.

Would there be a warning? Screams just stop. No one says, "Brace yourselves, she's gonna stop screaming!"

But in [s]there[/s] their place, you would hear more violent noises, like a crack across a slave's back[s] when they did something wrong[/s].

It wasn't always when they did something wrong, unfortunately.

Also, a crack across a slave's back. I have a feeling you used that metaphor already. *looks* Ah, here it is: like a whip used to torture a slave in the old days. Be a little more fresh about it. You obviously know how to write metaphors, and you do so wonderful! It shouldn't be too difficult.

With each one of these cracks, there would be a small and quick scream of agony and pain.

Again, almost go hand-in-hand, unless you delete and and put a comma instead. I may be more forgiving.

Ring…ring…

Italics for sound effects are always helpful. ^_^

The sound of the telephone jerked Johnny out of a most disturbing nightmare, one that he had been having all week, [period instead] he remembered everything so clearly, he would never be able to forget.

He reached his hand over towards the phone to find nothing but air, [no comma] [s]finding it was not there he sat up[/s] and looked around.

There on the desk, [no comma] was the phone, waiting ever so patiently to be answered.

Ring… “Hello New York, New York Detective Agency, this is Detective Johnny speaking.”

Hello, New York Detective Agency. This is Detective Johnny [last name] speaking. What's the trouble? The question is iffy, and it would be sooo cool to have, like, a slogan in there and he says it in a monotone, as if completely bored of saying it over and over. XD Letting my imagination run wild, my bad.

it [s]was[/s] sounded like the person on [s]they[/s] the other end was crying, but he really couldn’t tell.

“Ok. Can you please tell me the name of the abducted person? [s]last[/s] Last name, first name, then middle name, please [period instead"]?”

“Ok. Can you tell me where they where born, city, state, county, and country?”

Can you tell me their place of birth and place of residence: county, city, state, and country? Country too, eh? This must be quite the detective agency to go all international on their customers.

“Um… one of her friends said the last time she had seen her, she was walking home from school.

You see, she’s my daughter, and she’s been missing for about five hours and she hadn’t come home yet. [comma instead] So I started to get worried.

But what I don’t get is how [s]could she[/s] she could have been abducted, [period instead] I mean, I live like a block away from her school.

I'm getting really worried, I don’t know where my baby girl is!”

After she had calmed down a little bit, he figured she was calm enough to be able to give him clear answer.

For lack of a better word...I hate that phrase so much. It's overused. I mean, a bit IS a little. They're synonyms, and putting them together is a bit irritating to me. Delete little and I'll be alright with it.

That's my rant for today.

There was a pause then you could hear a coughing noise, like someone clearing their throat.

This isn't a simile, and therefore I don't like it much. If you replaced the comma and like with as if, I'd be fine with it. There was a pause and you could hear a coughing noise, as if the woman was clearing her throat.

I also don't think putting you in there is a good idea. That's switching PoV, in my opinion. I, as the reader, was picturing this as a 'movie clip' as people usually do when reading, and are never expected to be singled out by the narrator, unless that's the PoV or style the narrator is writing in. Here, you, as in directing the audience, is only used once and shouldn't belong.

“Ok. [comma instead] Good.” That wasn’t so hard, he thought to [s]his self[/s] himself [?].

Italics for his thought.

“Let’s pick up where we left off, ok?”

Use OK or okay. Using ok seems more like chatspeak to me, even though it's not. In writing, I don't like it like that. It's a personal opinion, of course, but spelling it out as okay or capitalizing as an abbreviation seems more professional.

“Yeah, sure. Right now I live in Stony Brook.”

I haven't pointed this out yet, though I should have sooner. She doesn't sound distressed. Her daughter's missing! She should be crying her heart out at the most, sniffling at the least.

“My last name is Fergison. My first name is Leah. And my middle name is Michelle. Is that all?”

I like the question at the end. It supports character. She sounds a bit irritated that he's asking about her and not her daughter. Good job, there.

However, she used very complete sentences here in answering his question. I would think it would be brief. "Fergison, Leah Michelle. Is that all?"

She must have [s]gotten[/s] been disconnected [s]or something[/s].

You're telling from a detective's PoV, so use a bit more formal narration. Or something is modern-day term usage for lack of better words. Narrators have plenty of time to dig through their vocabulary.

He didn’t know it yet, but he was in for a big surprise in the morning.

There was a movement in the back of the house, [period instead] [s]he[/s] He didn’t know what it was, so before he went anywhere, [s]back there[/s] he walked over to the cabinet and grabbed a 22’ revolver.

He wasn’t taking any chances, [no comma] because if anything happened to him, well he just didn’t know.

Another noise came from the back. It sounded as if someone were trying to move something.

The underlined part is not smooth. The as if was probably what threw it off. It either is or it isn't. In this situation, you'd know if one of your belongings was screeching across the floor or if it fell off the counter. The dweller of that home would know what was left out on the counter or what kind of floor would make that sound.

“Freeze!” [s]Shouted[/s] shouted a man from behind him.

[s]Slowly[/s] Johnny slowly set his 22’ down, then turned around to face his challenger.

Challenger? More like thief, burglar...murderer may be too far. Criminal? The guy didn't challenge him to anything.

It was a thug.

Dooon't like it. Delete it. It's obvious that it is when you say Johnny faced his criminal or whatever.

“What do you want?” Johnny stared straight at the guy with so much intensity, it made the guy look as if he wanted to shrink back and dig a hole in the ground to hide in.

"What do you want?" Johnny asked, carefully watching the thug who seemed rather taken aback by his intense gaze. That's all that's needed.

“I don’t want nothing with you, my boss does!”

"I don't want nothin' from yous! My boss will, though," he added with a soft chuckle.

Overall, it's a very good plot going on. I love watching these types of TV shows, and reading one is absolutely fantastic! ^^

There's issues grammar-wise. Sentence structure/smoothness needs some attention, but that'll be easy to help you out with.

Johnny is an interesting character. Bravo with him! The mother doesn't seem like a real mother. We'll have to check that over as well.

That's all I can think up right now. Everything else is stated above.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Re-work the second sentence. Its length and grammar both need help. Don't start sentences with "then" so much. The pin and five miles thing is a little. . . extreme.

The second paragraph (I'm not counting the "ring-ring" stuff as paragraph) is just a long sentence. Re-work that.

OK. . . re-read, re-write, re-edit. Maybe do that a few times. (I'm not sure if I've mention that last sentence before in your other writing. I know I've done it to someone else though, but I can't remember who.) Once you've done that, PM me, and I'll try to take a look at it. TY. Keep working at it!

Hi! I liked your story, and I think it was original.
I don't know why so many people do so many long reviews. It's pointless!\
Anyways I liked your story.
shanan-cat!

Wow this is great!

Hi,
This story was very well written, I hope you plan on writing more. I'm not going to pick apart your story like everyone else, just watch for your grammar and stuff like that. Also, try to read your story over before you put it on YWS, it makes it a lot easier for the readers.

My favorite part was:

"It was getting cold, really cold. In the distance you could hear a faint whimpering, almost as if it were a small child crying for their mother. The cries would go on for hours and hours at a time, never seeming to stop, until when the cries began to grow silent, your hopes of a peaceful night would be ended, for when the cries started to fade, you could hear the cries turn into moans. Then all would go quiet. Then as if it were a small child being beaten, you could hear violent thrashing sounds; like a whip used to torture a slave in the old days. But down a dark and shadowy alley, a figure lurks, waiting for his chance to strike. The silence was so threatening, you could hear a pin drop on a marble floor five miles away. Then with a deafening blast, the silence is shattered by an earsplitting scream that tears the peaceful night, but as the hour lurks on, the screams slowly begin to fade. The stranger slowly made his quiet approach; he was so quiet you would think he was a fox, making its way towards its prey. Then without warning the screams would stop. But in there place you would hear more violent noises, like a crack across a slaves back when they did something wrong. With each one of these crack, there would be a small and quick scream of agony and pain. When dawn was about to shatter the darkness, the stranger, who had been waiting all night, made his move."

You can really visualize it. I think you can break it up into smaller paragraphs though, it almost seems too long now. Not many books have a paragraph going on that long. Just fix that up and it will be amazing.

Love,
lg*