The Massacre of White Oak

A little something I wrote...not really sure how the feedback for it will be. I'm actually pretty nervous to put it up here because I know it isn't really good.
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We killed the town together. One by one they went down and the eulogy for each was short and sweet. Something none of them had ever experienced before. They were people that over did everything since their wealth allowed it. Most ended up walking straight into a trap.

The first was a double homicide. Mr. Milgrove and the nanny he was screwing on the side. The nanny was from a poor family…probably too trashy to instill any morals into such a pretty girl, but Mr. Milgrove had been the owner of a company that assisted those that needed assisting. His wife hadn't been happy to see the obituary we wrote for him taped to her mirror. We had found no need to hide the truth from such an innocent woman.

The thirty-seventh was something no one would have suspected. The mayor's seventeen year old daughter. She had been a cliché -- a powerful father, pretty and a kleptomaniac. A journalist found her obituary on his desk one morning that told of everything that she had stolen in the past two months…the newspaper, ate it up and needless to say, the editor was our next victim.

The last to die was a new neighbor and a newly wed. She, too, was gorgeous and wealthy...but that didn't stop her from doing what she claimed to do best. Mrs. Swanson had only had a few customers before we had found her ways. It was a week later that her husband found the eulogy we had written taped to the window of his Jaguar. After an angry few minutes, a real obituary was soon going to be written for her and Mr. Swanson would make front page.

So one by one their lives ended. We enjoyed every minute of it, especially their cries of pain and the tears that only ended when their life was finally over…but I had never expected to see my own obituary that wove a tale of all the wrong I had done written on the wall of city hall.

Hello!

We killed the town together. One by one they went down and the eulogy for each was short and sweet. Something none of them had ever experienced before. They were people that did things overly since their wealth allowed it. Most ended up walking straight into a trap.

**I love the first sentence you have here. It really captures the reader. "They were people that did things overly since their wealth allowed it." I don't think the word overly really works here. Maybe "They were people that over did everything when their wealth allowed it." I don't know, but something along those lines.

The first was a double homicide. Mr. Milgrove and his nanny he was screwing on the side. The nanny was from a poor family…probably too trashy to instill any morals into such a pretty girl but Mr. Milgrove had been the owner of a company that assisted those that needed assisting. His wife hadn’t been happy to see his obituary we wrote for him taped to her mirror. We had found no need to hide the truth from such an innocent woman.

**"Mr. Milgrove and his nanny he was...." Change 'his' to the. Also "too trashy to instell any morals into such a pretty girl but Mr...." a comma right before but. "happy to see his obituary" again, change his to the. I like the last sentence.

The thirty-seventh was something no one would have suspected. The mayor’s seventeen year old daughter. She had been a cliché -- a powerful father, pretty and a kleptomaniac. A journalist found her obituary on his desk one morning that told of everything that she had stolen in the past two months…the newspaper ate it up and needless to say, the editor was our next victim.

**seventeen-year-old. Haha, I like the end of this as well.

The last of the town to die was a new neighbor and a newly wed. She, too, was gorgeous and wealthy...but that didn’t stop her from doing what she claimed to do best. Mrs. Swanson had only had a few customers before we had found out her ways. It was a week later that her husband found her eulogy we had written taped to the window of his Jaguar. After an angry few minutes, a real obituary was soon going to be written for her and Mr. Swanson would make front page.

**"The last of the town to die" Just say "The last to die." Flows better. "before we had found out her ways" Take out the "out" part. "found her eulogy we had written" change her to the.

So one by one their lives ended. We enjoyed every minute of it, especially their cries of pain and the tears that only ended when their life was finally over…but I had never expected to see my own obituary that wove a tale of all the wrong I had done written on the wall of city hall.

**Oooo spooky ending. I like.

***Okay. This was fairly short so there wasn't a whole lot to critique on. What I read though, did make me want to read more. A very interesting subject. I'd like to know how these people died though, because some of the brief explanations you gave seemed a tad boring without details. I suspect I'll get details later? I must read more of this!

Keep it up!
~Rieda

I'll put the thing that need to be fixed in bold.

Okay. I like the first paragraph.

The second paragraph was good also, only one, small mistake. You forgot a coma right there.

The nanny was from a poor family, probably too trashy to instill any morals into such a pretty girl, but Mr. Milgrove had been the owner of a company that assisted those that needed assisting.

Ok the third paragraph only one thing. Another coma.

A journalist found her obituary on his desk one morning that told of everything that she had stolen in the past two months, the newspaper ate it up and needless to say, the editor was our next victim.

Kay. Fourth one is good didn't see anything.

And I absolutley adore the last paragraph. Hehe.

I loved this. The first sentence just threw me into the writing, couldn't leave. Why were you worried about putting this up on yws? It's great! Reida critiqued most of it. I want to say the ending is great, I love twists like that.
Are you going to continue this?

The second to last paragraph, I was wondering what she did. I couldn't figure it out. If you could try to explain more what she did (you put what she did in there, righ? If not, I now know why I couldn't find it...)

-MV

The best bit about this piece is the ending. It's chilling and leaves a sour taste in your mouth.

The main problem for me is that there's too much description and not enough action. The writing didn't hold me to my seat. It lacked vitality and energy. This is mostly down to the fact that there's way too many stative and passive verbs (was/were phrases) - what's known as 'telling' writing, not 'showing.'

Example: "the eulogy for each was short and sweet." (stative, telling)
Try: "we gave each of them a short and sweet eulogy." (active, showing

See how the second sentence is much more direct? As you write more and more, you will start to get a feel for how bland and emotionally limiting telling can be - although tehre will be times when it's better to tell than show.

This a common problem for novices and you will improve with experience and practice. Nevertheless, this was a good first story. Well done. 6/10

Thanks for all the reviews/comment things. I really do appreciate it. I wasn't really planning to continue the story, though. So, sorry, I suppose.

MV, I was worried about putting it up because I've never posted work on YWS before and I'm always really nervous to get critiques. My heart pretty much jumps out of my chest. XD And I did put what she did in the second to last paragraph. Hum, I'll rewrite that part later to clear it up.

Oh, Rieda, I didn't give any description on the whole murder part because they didn't actually kill them...well, it depends on the way you want to look at it. From my view, there's more than one way to "kill" a person.

-Mid

*Shivers* This was very good! The other reviewers caught you mistakes so I'm just going to tell you how good this is!!! I also just LOVED your opening sentence. It drew me right in.

*shivers too* Oh, wow. And wow. And more wow. Everybody got the mistakes I saw, so: Seriously creepy ending...and yet it leaves one hanging. This is going to be way cool. When are you writing more?