DO NOT READ

DO NOT RED, I DELETED THIS

if anyone knows how to delete, pm me

holly*

ignore this.

holly*

Hi A,
So there are a fix mistakes here, that I'm going to fix (in bold). I'm also going to space it out so it will be easier for people to read.

As Sara walked into the room there wasn't a sound in it, the whole room was silent, watching her. Her Strawberry Blond hair that was down past her shoulders and it swayed as she walked to her new seat, that her homeroom teacher assigned her

"So, Sara Lockheart, tell us about yourself" Said the new teacher as she turned around to write her name on the chalk board behind her.

"OK , well um I'm 17 years old and I just moved here about a month ago into a old house on chilled street, supposedly the people who lived there both died there , so that's kind of creepy and..."

"You mean the old mansion with the old hedges in the front yard surrounding the house?" The teacher asked Sara while walking over to her desk and reaching for her water.

"Yeah , that the one ! " Sara exclaimed .

"Oh . . . " The teacher paused "Well that's a very nice house sweetie" The teacher quickly turned around and finished writing her name on the board.

Snickers began to grow around the class as Sara blushed and frowned up at the teacher

"Well as most of you know, my name is Mrs. Samson. I will be your English teacher, so you will be seeing a lot of me, now class if you can all turn to page 10 in your books please and we will start reading.

As the class was coming to an end , In front of Sara was a guy who the teacher called on a lot, Sean, Sara thought thinking back to earlier that class. The bell rang and everybody quickly shuffled out of the room. Sean turned around and introduced himself,

"Hi, My name is Sean, " Sean said to Sara as he looked into her hazel eyes,

"Hi, I'm Sara... you already know that" Sara said as she stopped gazing into Sean's eye's and started putting away her books.

Sean Chuckled "Do you need help finding your next class, it's the first day of school for everyone , so the halls are pretty cluttered. " Sean swung his bag over his arm.

"Really, you will !?" said Sara

"Sure , I remember my first day of school" said Sean as they both grinned at each other

"So, what school did you come from?" asked Sean

"Corl" Sara replied while looking at her schedule to see what she had next. "Do you know where room 215 is?"

"Yeah , its down this hall." Sean said " Well I have to go to this room but I'll see you tomorrow, bye"

"Bye , and thanks for the directions!" Sara said as Sean walked into the classroom.

Sara found her way to room 215 where she had Science . The rest of the day was a blur as Sara tried to find her way class- to-class.When the last period bell rang Sara couldn't wait to jump into her Ford Mustang GT and drive her way home where a nice bowl of fudge ice cream awaited her, she hoped

As Sara finished her ice cream she put her bowl into the kitchen sink and made her way upstairs to her room and flopped down onto her queen sized bed. While thinking about her day and how she missed her old school , Sara fell asleep.

I think this pretty much covers the mistakes. If you want I can proof read it for you next time. Just pm or call me.

I really liked this story and you better stick to it, or I'll kick your butt JK.

Love,
N

-lg*

What you typed here is rather skeletal and could definately afford a whole lot more description. In general there are punctuation and just little lowercase/uppercase mistakes.
Just a few mistakes I found when I read through this:

Her Strawberry Blond hair that was down past her shoulders and it swayed as she walked to her new seat, that her homeroom teacher assigned her

I think you could lowercase the 'strawberry blond' and instead write "Her strawberry blond hair that was past her shoulders swayed as she walked to her new seat that her homeroom teacher assigned her." with a period at the end and more description like maybe how the classroom looked and what the kids did when she walked in. Were they welcoming, smiling, whispery, judgemental, etc.?

Skipping ahead

"Well as most of you know, my name is Mrs. Samson. I will be your English teacher, so you will be seeing a lot of me, now class if you can all turn to page 10 in your books please and we will start reading.

As the class was coming to an end , In front of Sara was a guy who the teacher called on a lot, Sean, Sara thought thinking back to earlier that class. The bell rang and everybody quickly shuffled out of the room. Sean turned around and introduced himself,

Hi, My name is Sean, " Sean said to Sara as he looked into her hazel eyes

There seems to be a lack of flow when I'm reading it and lack of correct punctuation like the comma before "so you will.." should be replaced with a period or seperated for example ' The teacher pivotted to address the class, her curved cherry-red lips taut as if forcing herself to smile. "As most of you know I am your English teacher, Mrs. Samson."' etc. etc. And also you should have added a break between 'so you will be seeing a lot of me' and the next sentence. The second paragraph could have been rearranged to create better 'flow' and there seems to be verb confusion (right term?) with thought and thinking put next to eachother. Lastly is the capitalizing of the M in my which should have been written in all lowercases.

Ee, sorry to cut it short here but I've gotta jet.
Hope my reply helps out a little because you're the first person I've reviewed!

Goodluck,
Julia.

P.S Apologies if my post has a few mistakes in it too @_@