these little whispers

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I wrote this back in May, but I'm not exactly sure if I like it or not. Hopefully you guys can give me some pointers! :D

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Fear nipped at her insides and the fluttering in her stomach was more like the bite of mosquitoes than the gentle hum of butterflies. The splintering wood of the ancient porch swing dug into her back and she leaned against it, rocking slowly with her hands twisted into the pockets of her jacket, trying to keep the warmth in. She was watching the field that stretched out in front of her, as if she could coax someone to save her from the encroaching darkness. There was a light tap on the screen door and she glanced towards it, smiling a real smile when she saw the tall figure behind it. He opened it slowly, and the creaks burned her ears like a fire never could. She wondered if maybe he was here to stop it, to stop her swelling heart from growing any further, to shatter it like glass on the wooden deck underneath her.

“Hey,” he said in the sugar-sweet voice of his, settling down next to her and putting a warm arm around her. “Your mom told me you were out here.”

She nodded, leaning against him, breathing in his soft coffee scent. She always loved how he smelled, one day like vanilla and the next like clove cigarettes, as if his scent changed with his environment. “It’s getting cold,” he commented, tracing his fingers up her arms, over her shoulder and across her collar-bone. She shivered, replying with a low “Yes.” She didn’t want to talk today. All she wanted to do was kiss him so hard that it hurt, but she didn’t. She sat there, staring over the field, where tall stalks of grass were bitten with frost.

“You’re quiet today,” he commented. She nodded, not bothering to look at him. She knew that in his eyes there was the frozen ice she’d become so afraid of, the look that killed her very insides. He was the male counterpart to the Ice Queen when he became like that, his skin like frozen teardrops and his lips like burning fire.

He pressed his lips to the hollow of her throat, and she shivered again, so violently that he pulled away, and she could feel the concern oozing out of him. “Just do it and get it over with, okay?” She whispered, squeezing her eyes closed.

“I won’t if you’re-“

“Just do it!” She hissed, turning to look at him. He caught her gaze and it was as if the world stopped for a moment, and all she could see was the never ending blue. She looked away again and he bent his head to her neck, and then there was the sweet sharpness she’d come so accustomed to. Iciness seemed to bite at her insides and she went limp in his arms, trying to control her heart, which was beating rapidly against her ribcage, shaking her entire body.

Then, the cool darkness closed over her head and sugary euphoria washed over her, but it only lasted a moment.

All she could hear in her head was his whispered, “I love you.”
Last edited by Samantha Eliza on Sun Jan 13, 2008 3:40 am, edited 1 time in total.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
-Dr. Seuss




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I'm afraid I'm really confused....I don't know what happened at the end at all. Did he just kiss her, or is he a vampire and he bit her? You have some nice images in there, but I have some changes for the beginning.

Scared. That was what she felt.


No. Just...no. I read this and was about to stop reading. I KNOW you can think of a better beginning.

trying to keep in the warmth that threatened to be overtaken by the chilling evening


Chilling evening? Couldn't you just say chilly? It means the same thing and sounds a LOT better.

Those are the only ones I have specific problems with, but some of it just sounded....phony. I'm not sure if that's the right word, but sometimes it seemed like you were using similes or words and you didn't really mean them, you just wanted to sound better, if that makes any sense. Just try and write how you might speak for this kind of story, and let it all come naturally. You don't need to force anything, cause when you do, that's how it comes across to the readers (forced, that is).
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I think the beginning was a little odd too. I like one-word beginnings, but that didn't really work. I really liked the ending though, actually. I am rather confused (I think...I THINK he's a vampire...) but it was unexpected. I thought it would be just a cheesy teenage love scene, but there's so much more going on there...I'd kind of like some more detail. Describe that sensation a little more...what he's doing and how it makes her feel (emotionally) and why she loves and hates it and is afraid of it at the same time.

My English teacher has issues with passive voice - being verbs ("am is are was were") and those words that have no life, like "the ball was caught by Jimmy." The kinds of verbs that are being acted upon rather than acting. At first I didn't agree with her, but now I've seen how much more vibrant it makes my writing. You might want to try that. Those first two sentences have no life because they are passive, not active.

Overall, I did really like this piece. It starts out like a love story but the tension builds and leaves you very curious and confused... which is good, in my opinion. Can't wait to see more!
“We’re still here,” he says, his voice cold, his hands shaking. “We know how to be invisible, how to play dead. But at the end of the day, we are still here.” ~Dax

Teacher: "What do we do with adjectives in Spanish?"
S: "We eat them!"




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Yeah, he's a vampire. I thought it was obvious, but I guess not. :oops: This was more of a freewrite than anything, so I had no idea what I was writing about until I wrote it. I guess the whole premise was that they're in love, and in order to survive he has to take someone's blood, but he doesn't want to hurt anybody he doesn't know, and she's gotten kind of addicted to the feeling. Thanks for the critiques, and I'll definitely change the beginning, because I didn't really like it much either.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
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Scared. That was what she felt.


Ugh. As soon as I read this, I didn't want to read anymore.
In any event, you've mixed up your tenses. I should be 'Fear. That was what she felt.' or 'Scared. That was how she felt.'

She was sitting on the swinging chair on her back porch, her feet tucked under her and her hands twisted tightly inside her jacket, trying to keep in the warmth that threatened to be overtaken by the chilling evening.


You could easily change that whole sentence so that it was showing, not telling. Just say something like, 'The hard wicker of her swinging chair was hard and uncomfortable beneath her' and then add somehow that its on her back porch. You know?

Also, I don't like 'chilly evening'. Maybe it should be 'chilly' or 'chilled' instead?


Overall, I think this is okay. The description is pretty good but its kind of cheesy - the whole vampire/mortal girl thing is quite overused. It also reminded me of the Twilight books, but maybe that's just me.

I feel like this is lacking something. Maybe its the emotion - it's kind of cheesy, so its important to have lots of emotion to make up [if only fractionally] for that. Use some interesting metaphors and similes to describe what she's feeling.

I did like some aspects of it, though. I really liked the ending and the way you described his scent. So maybe work with this a little, and as Sunny said, use more of the active verbs. I think you should continue it, because the ending was very cliffhanger-ish.

Cheers,
Camille :D
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


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So, I've changed the beginning, since everyone seemed to abhor it, lolol. I'll try to edit it more later, and change the whole active verb thing. Maybe I will continue it, but it would probably be more of a short story than anything else. Thanks for your critiques!
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
-Dr. Seuss




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I'm sorry, I couldn't really read it. I sort of skipped bits, but it just didn't draw me in. I just felt... bored. And confused. Does she like this guy or not?

I really didn't get it, and it's not something I would read again.
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*



There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
— William Shakespeare