NIGHT OF THE WINGS

Crouching atop one of the spires of a great cathedral I surveyed the city below with great curiosity. The winds blew this way and that, gently ruffling the feathers on my huge wings. It was well past midnight but the people appeared to have no intention of retiring to their homes.

Yet for all its inviting allure a cold atmosphere hung about the city. It reminded me of Gotham, the fictional city of Batman. In my childhood I remembered myself resenting Gotham, disliking the emptiness of it. I felt a bitter smile tugging at the corner of my lips. The irony of it all, finding myself in a place so much like the one I despised.

“But don’t we all end up someplace we hate?” I turned my head but not all the way as to see who had spoken. I already knew the owner of such a haunting voice. I clenched my fists with irritation. I hate it when someone sneaks up on me. The creature chuckled at this. “Ah, but I also know you cherish your privacy,” it said “ and the only reason I came here was to tell you that you are needed.” This time I moved to look at my intruder.
It was Aquil, just as I thought. His majestic dark blue wings stretched out behind him, flapping once and a while to keep him aloft. I sneered at him and turned away, drawing my wingtips to my face, a sign that I didn’t want him here. I felt him shrug behind me. “Suit yourself” he called out. There was a strong gush of wind, and then unperturbed silence and I knew he was gone.

I spent a few more minutes to myself. Somewhere down below I could hear the mutterings of a mother, praying for her son. Thoughts of my own mother ran through my head. The one I had left behind right after the Transformation. They think I’m dead, I thought, and maybe I am.

Another voice interrupted me, this time in my head. I almost fell off the spire. The gruff, booming voice belonged to the Master, and I could not deny His request. Sighing, I unfurled my wings and let the sky take me.

Underlines are my comments.
Emboldened words are my suggested changes.
[s]Strikes are words you should get rid of.[/s]

Crouching atop one of the spires of a great cathedral I surveyed the city below [s]me[/s] with great curiosity. The winds blew this way and that, gently ruffling the feathers [s]of my great wings[/s] on my [enter another adjective here] wings. [s]The night sky offered no stars to watch with me tonight, but the moon more than filled up their place with her great round silver face. The pearl of the sky.[/s] A cliche, rephrase.
[s]
It was already well past into the night but the city seemed more alive than ever. Pulsating with energy; it seemed to have a life of its own. Lights were scattered everywhere I looked, so much like the stars themselves. The countless skyscrapers reached for the sky, a handful of them rivaling the tower of Babylon.[/s]

Not really any advancement on the previous point. Its taken a very boring, paragraph that doesn't make grammatical sense to describe a large city. It has to be damn good writing to deserve anymore than an extended sentence to describe a part of the scenery.

Yet for all its inviting allure [s]and laid-back façade, there hung an atmosphere of coldness about it[/s]a cold atmosphere hung about the City. It reminded me of Gotham, the fictional city of Batman. In my childhood I remembered myself resenting Gotham, disliking the emptiness of it. I felt a bitter smile tugging at the corner of my lips. The irony of it all, finding myself in a place so much like the one I despised.


I love bringing in the past into stories, even something so small as this really adds to character. Thumbs up.

“But don’t we all end up someplace we hate?” I turned my head but not all the way as to see who had spoken. I already knew the owner of such a haunting voice. I clenched my fists with irritation. I hate it when someone sneaks up on me. The creature chuckled at this. “Ah, but I also know you cherish your privacy,” it said “ and the only reason I came here was to tell you that you are needed.” This time I [s]turned [/s] [another verb here because turned is so overused]to look at my intruder.

[s]I leered.[/s] Did you, thats nice. Not necessary, get on with the story. In first person you dont really know that you are doing it anyway. I never know if I "leer" at someone.It was Aquil, just as I thought. His majestic dark blue wings stretched out behind him, flapping once and a while to keep him aloft. I sneered at him and turned away, drawing my wingtips to my face, a sign that I didn’t want him here. I felt him shrug behind me. “Suit yourself” he called out. There was a strong gush of wind, and then unperturbed silence and I knew he was gone. I’m not a trained dog, I thought, I’ll come when I’m ready. Hoping that he had heard my thoughts, I slowly stood up, stretching my cramped muscles. Unfurling my wings, I let the sky take me.

A good piece, however there is little plot and this seems quite random. Yes, you have characters and a setting and a decent (although not explained) idea of angel like creatures. Yet this meeting seems totally random really - what happens? Nothing. You need to put your idea to a plot.

this story is really good. i'm writing something similar that i'm planning on posting soon. i'll edit later when i have more time. i'm in Journalism right now. ;)