Projections of Love and Sorrow: On Fatherhood /P

/removed.

The kids jumped out in the same whirlwind of excitement and brazen sadness they fell with into the cab.

the wording screwed me up, but this is more of a preference. "And brazen sadness they fell into the cab with" I just moved 'with'.

I picked up the bill and crumpled it in my fast.

Fist

"'ey!" 'ey you!"

you have that extra " in there.

I have to admit the ending (getting jumped, so to speak) was kind of expected. And the necklace giving. But even despite that, the fact that we end at that fundamental point: I'm dying and I need to *blank* still creates good drama.

Despite being expectant, I loved it. The MC was very easy to get into, and his thoughts were easy to read. It felt comfortable. Bravo.

Awww. This was a really great projection. I actually have some what of an idea of how hard fatherhood might be. I can't believe he was shot at the end though. I thought that the guy was going to pull the trigger and the gun was going to be empty. Is there going to be more to this, because I want to see whether he survives or not! Tell me if there will be. Great job!

~Rieda

Incan, this was superbbbbbbb writing! (I always have such high praise for your stuff hehe).

I liked that this was taken from a perspective (is that the right word) of fatherhood, most people don't write about it, I guess it is never thought of.

I have to go with Rieda, will there be more? I don't want it to end like that!

Meevs
x

Rats, he got shot. Why'd that have to happen?

Incandescence wrote:She had a fire inside of her

Just "inside her" would sound better.

Nice style of writing, and the part about the realization being like looking at a painting - I liked that a lot.

-Twit

I really love this i do, i really do. I perfect idea and i can tell you've realy thought about it to a sense. Although i love. I would say, carry on with it as i'm sure u'll know where those changes need to be made.

Sooo funny, i was startled by the sound!