Light of Death

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Light of Death

The day started ordinarily enough, if this is even normal. But, I suppose normal is different for everybody. I wished I lived someone else’s normal. At least then I wouldn’t be in this mess.

“Take him,” growled the guard, “The Reaper is sure to have fun with him. Heh heh heh.” The young pilot jumped to his feet as his cell door opened. He had to find a way out. There had to be a way to get passed the guards.

A mass of a man stood in front of the open door. He motioned at the pilot. Everything seemed to rush by. All the cells in the long prison hall zoomed by as they walked. Each step echoed against the still quiet of depression. Two large metal doors swung open before the guard and prisoner. Here stood a tall man clad in red armour. He gripped the long whip riveted with small metal shards, each ready to tear flesh away from the bone.

The pilot was turned away from the red armoured person. The air whistled as the shards sliced through it and then into the Pilot. He didn’t scream or wince from pain. His time was up and there was nothing more for him to do. The moment his fighter hit the ground he knew. There would be no rescue, no attempts to negotiate. Just death.

A single screw, just one screw can bring even the most powerful of vessels to its knees. A tiny little screw sucked into the engine and tore it to pieces leaving the pilot doomed to die. Doomed to suffer the whip slicing his body time after time.

He thought of escaping, only to suppress the dark depression of the prison, to keep him sane a little while longer. The light of hope was gone, suffocated in the damp dark hole of life. The whip sliced again. Blood hit the floor, ran down the young body. The guards laughed and pointed. Watching life vacate the shell of a man.

Twisted laughter echoed through the prison. Down every hall, into every cell, into the ears of every prisoner and they hoped they might be next. To be free of the hell brought onto them by those of their own human race.

The pilot’s eyes faded into black. He stood a moment longer before his body realized there was no longer a spirit within it. The heart stopped first followed by breathing and then muscles collapsed leaving a crumpled heap on the cold stone floor.

At least, I never have to live an ordinary day again.
"Maybe Senpai ate Yuka-tan's last bon-bon?"
----Stupei, Ace Defective




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Wow. Kinda creepy.

You did a great job. You really freaked me out. The tone is perfect, though really creepy. I was shuddering through the whole thing.

(I wasn't using sarcasm at all. Really.)
Give me time, i'll crit your work XD I promise.
GO HORACE!
I have some IA on Venus, but I don't know how long it'll last. my com's getting crushed.
"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."~Carl Jung, psychologist and psychiatrist.




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Hm, it could be a bit longer, but the scene you set was great.

"The air whistled as the shards sliced through it and then into the Pilot."
Don't capitalize pilot.

"The moment his fighter hit the ground he knew."
You need a comma between ground and he.

"“Take him,” growled the guard,"
Not "guard,", "guard."

"He stood a moment longer before his body realized there was no longer a spirit within it. The heart stopped first followed by breathing and then muscles collapsed leaving a crumpled heap on the cold stone floor."
You need to add commas and the word "the". It should look like this:

"He stood a moment longer, before his body realized there was no longer a spirit within it. The heart stopped first, followed by breathing, and then the muscles collapsed leaving a crumpled heap on the cold stone floor."

"The pilot was turned away from the red armoured person."
Comma between red and armoured.

And... that's pretty much it.
man hands on misery to man
it deepens like a coastal shelf
get out as early as you can
and don’t have any kids yourself.

Legacy signature:
dun worry
it's all gun be k




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I liked this. The description was excellent. The picture it painted sent shivers down down my spine.

There is one thing, apart from the mistakes Aet pointed out, that I would change. Though, that might just be my opinion.

"All the cells in the long prison hall zoomed by as they walked" - If they are walking, they'd have to be walking pretty dang fast for the hall to "zoom" by.


~Rea



Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
— Albert Einstein