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this is a short story i wrote.... i am going ot expand it. so tell me if i have a good idea going.


Karen slowly plodded down the stone walkway. Her breath blew out in foggy whisps, wavering in the air until her face pushed through it. Her hand was gripped tightly around her pack's strap, holding it in the unstable place on her shoulder. Her eyes shifted back and forth nervously as she walked down the steps of the public library. Why did her day always have to be like this?

They watched her warily as she walked down the sidewalk under the luminescent signs portraying ads. She quickened her pace, knowing they would still follow even if she did go faster. They would always follow her. She wouldn't be able to escape.

And yet she ran, hoping to escape them. No matter. They were everywhere, in the cracks beneath her feet, in the lights that illuminated her body... she could never escape.

Karen continued to run down the street. The moon had a crimson glow to it... the sign that they were here tonight. She shook her head furiously. She was so paranoid. Maybe it was just all in her head. Maybe she did imagine the shadows that had haunted her. She looked at the blackened scars that covered her arms, safely tucked underneath her sleeve. No. They were real. They gave this pain to her. She needed to get away.

The moon showed itself in full glint now. The sun was gone, her only protection from them outside her home. She was in a full sprint now, trying to get to her last protection: her home.

They followed her, and were going to make sure she never made it home.

Karen turned down her street. only three houses left.

She slipped. Her feet flew out from under her, and she fell to the ground with a terrible thud. She hit her knee hard, and she couldn't stand up. She couldn't get away now. They had a chance, and they were going to take it.

Dark forms surrounded her. Karen eyes flashed around fearfully, her hurt knee forgotten. She tried to stand again, but fell. A hoarse, raspy cackle came from the figures; it was a shadow's form of laughing.

Karen's eyes widened as one slipped into the middle of the circle. Blackened footprints were left silently as the large shadow walked towards her shaking body. She opened her mouth to scream, but all that came out was a hoarse whisper. Two dark hands wrapped around her throat, and lifted her in the air. Claws dug deep into her skin. Blood dribbled down her neck, staining her shirt. More shadows joined, ripping at her body, peeling the skin off her arms and legs. Her clothes were torn to shreds as she thrashed back and forth, trying to escape.

Then, all at once, they stopped. The shadow released Karen's neck, and she dropped to the floor, coughing. The shadows ran, dissapearing into the night.

A young man ran up. His eyes widened when he saw Karen.

"You okay!?"

Karen looked up at her savior. "Yeah, I just tripped."

The man helped her up onto her feet. "That was some fall you must've taken. It looks like you were attacked by a bunch of wild beasts!"

"I was..." Karen mumured inder her breath. The man looked at her quzzically.

"You say something?"

Karen shook her head. "No,no..."

The man looked her up and down. "You need to go to the hospital. Allow me to take you there."

Karen hesitated at first, then nodded. She felt she would be safe with him.

the man put her arm on her shoulder, and they limped down the street. "By they way, my name's Mike, what's yours?"

"Karen."

The shadows watched the two slowly work their way down the road. They let out a hiss of anger. They didn't get as much fun as they wanted! However, there was always tomorrow. Always.
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darchoco wrote:Karen slowly plodded down the stone walkway. Her breath blew out in foggy whisps, wavering in the air until her face pushed through it. Her hand was gripped tightly around her pack's strap, holding it in the unstable place on her shoulder. Her eyes shifted back and forth nervously as she walked down the steps of the public library. Why did her day always have to be like this?


Good beginning, though it could use some more detail to establish the tone.

darchoco wrote:They watched her warily as she walked down the sidewalk under the luminescent signs portraying ads. She quickened her pace, knowing they would still follow even if she did go faster. They would always follow her. She wouldn't be able to escape.


Who's they? This seems to come pout of nowhere with no explanation. More detail needed!


Over all, I think this is definitely a good start, but just needs a little more detail, particulatly visual details, what things looks liked. Use all the other sense as well.
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One thing I don't understand.. she's running, clutching on to her bag, obviously in a bit of a panic.. and yet, at the beginning, you say she's 'plodding' along.

As for the idea, I do like it, though it'll be a lot better once it's expanded. At the moment, it seems.. incomplete.

Another thing - the PoV seems to change every now and again.. For example:

Why did her day always have to be like this? is in Karen's PoV but..

No matter. They were everywhere, in the cracks beneath her feet, in the lights that illuminated her body... she could never escape. is in the PoV of the ghost things.

Karen turned down her street. only three houses left.


^ Small grammar error there - you should either change the full-stop to a hyphon (best option I think) or you can capitalise 'only'.

Not too many errors with spelling and grammar though, so you only really need to go through it and you'll find any mistakes. :)

Good luck with it, and I hope to see some more added to this.

~Kay
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Wow!

If you've expanded it already, do it again. Its too short. It probably wouldn't make a good novel but just make it longer, explain what the things are, more about the guy, more about Karen.

Anyways...brillant!

Bravo!

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"I was..." Karen mumured inder her breath.


Oops! "under", not "inder"

Karen shook her head. "No,no..."


Spacing :wink:

A hoarse, raspy cackle came from the figures; it was a shadow's form of laughing.


Good use of our little friend, the Semicolon! :D

Karen turned down her street. only three houses left.


KayJuran is right about using a dash here. However, don't use one like this: "...her street-only three houses left." It looks like the word "street-only." Use two dashes instead to make it clearer that it's just more information. "...her street--only three houses left." If you have Microsoft Word, it turns into one big dash (I don't know if other programs do that)

Very good, though! I liked it. You had good discription when Karen got attacked. I'm curious as to what's happening, though, so, yes, continue it! I look forward to seeing more!

Any questions, PM me! I'd be happy to help!

Keep writing!

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