Acrobat (Freewrite) EDITED and ADDED to...

this is a first draft - please go here: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=112229#112229

Freewrite 16.03.06

Acrobat

Maddie looked to her feet, her sore, muddy feet. Grabbing the hose from the front porch, she switched it on, and let the blast of cold well water splattered all over her skin, and flow between her toes. Faintly over the spray she could here, laughter and squeals from inside the house; but it only distracted her for a moment, and she turned back to scowl at her feet.

The Dalton house was a small, peeling place. White with fading green trim, it had stood the test of time, and that of the ever increasing family. The front steps sat cock-eyed and the ante-bellum porch was patched in variously places; it even leaned slightly to the left. There was an addition at the back that looked slightly less ragged than the rest, seemingly tacked on, and the yard was yellowed in the dry September heat. In the rocky driveway were parked two cars: a large blue ford pickup with a dented bumper, and a white mini-van. The entrance to the Dalton property started sharply in the bend of the road, where an ancient mailbox and the dead leavings of a Christmas stood watch.

When the last vestiges of mud had disappeared, Maddie yanked the hose off. The last of the water dripped on to her bare shins just below where she had rolled up her jeans. Coiling up the green hose she placed it on the deck, grabbed her backpack, and headed inside.

The noise affected Maddie the most and she physically flinched as she stepped inside.

“Maddie, Maddie home!” One of the youngest twins shrieked, and Maddie fought the impulse to cover her ears and run.

“Madeline, thank god, you’re home, could you take Emma-Marie for me.” Her mother’s slightly frantic voiced sounded the hallway, after which she entered the youngest, at age one and a half, on her hip.

Maddie slightly nodded taking the wide-eyed child from her. Her mother rushed off, without another word.

“Come on,” she whispered conspiratorially attempting to smooth a errant blonde strand of her sister’s head, “let’s she what the boys are up to.”

---

I know this is abysmally short, but I wanted reactions on it; also ideas for what I should add, because I have a huge time gap to next installment, later that day.

This was aright, though it was as you said, abysmally short. It doesn't really start anywhere. You kinda just start going. It would be better with some kind of lead in, and then you could mabye go somewhere with this. But other than that, the writing was alright.

I actually liked that you just jumped into things. A few grammar errors caught my eye and were kind of irritating. In the first paragraph, third sentence, you used "here" instead of "hear". You seem to have a love of commas, but a few of them weren't necessary, such as the one immeadiately following "hear" in that sentence. In the next paragraph, the second sentence was a little clunky. Perhaps you could take out the comma after "time" and the words "that of"? I feel like that would flow better. In the next sentence, I would attach the last phrase without a semi-collen and reword it. Something like "The front steps sat cock-eyed and the ante-bellum porch leaned slightly to the left with patches in various places." I'm not sure I like the word various there, but I can't come up with any other suggestions.
Another point I'm confused on- at the end of the second paragraph you refer to "the dead leavings of a Christmas" but earlier you had said "the yard was yellowed in the dry September heat." So I just don't get what you're talking about with Christmas or whatever.
Other than that, I like your descriptions of the entrance into the house and the effect it has on Maddie.

It seems like you were kind of in a hurry when you wrote this, because there are more minor mistakes than you normally have, and it is very, very short, but other than that, it's all good.

Maddie looked to her feet, her sore, muddy feet. Grabbing the hose from the front porch, she switched it on, and let the blast of cold well water splattered all over her skin, and flow between her toes. Faintly over the spray she could here, laughter and squeals from inside the house; but it only distracted her for a moment, and she turned back to scowl at her feet.

Quick corrections: unnecessary comma after "on" / splatter vs. splattered / don't need the comma after "skin" / hear vs. hear / don't need a comma after "here"

Other than that, I LOVE YOUR DESCRIPTION. Seriously, I am the queen of non-description and yours is always beyond gorgeous. *sniffles* Gimme your description!

And this is awesome because I know exactly how it feels to turn on the water hose over hurting, muddy feet on a really hot day, so this truly came alive for me.

The front steps sat cock-eyed and the ante-bellum porch was patched in variously places; it even leaned slightly to the left.

Isn't it "antebellum"? Hmm. That looks weird too. Word lets me use both... Oh well. I guess that works.

There was an addition at the back that looked slightly less ragged than the rest, seemingly tacked on, and the yard was yellowed in the dry September heat.

I'm not sure the "seemingly tacked on" is necessary, and if so, you might want to put it between dashes, since you tend to become really comma happy.

“Maddie, Maddie home!” One of the youngest twins shrieked, and Maddie fought the impulse to cover her ears and run.

Man, I know how that feels.

Her mother rushed off, without another word.

Extra comma.

Other than that, CL, dear, I still adore your description. *plots way to steal*

Nice work, despite the brevity.

i didnt get any of that story, matbe its ny lack of logic or somin but it had absaloutly no start , beginning or end, it had no scene setting ,for all i know madie could be a gay gorila trying to find a prawn....

But despite this it was written well , and , although you didnt put them in a situation , the actions madie did , cleaning her feet and the wooden house gave me a summaryfeel .

*Please do not spam your own post with pointless comments. Thanks - Firestarter. Oh, and use proper grammar and spelling please.*

Thank you all, well it leeched me, so there will be more a lot more. I am just tying things together, I had a Point A and a Point C, but no Point B. So this technically morphed into a chapter one. But I'm bucking the system, and not calling them chapters.

kiashana: thanks for pointing those things out. As for Christmas leavings, my family are generally very lazy sometimes our christmas lights stay on all year round. Plus my mom has planted our little christmas trees in our makeshift backyard.

Ari: hah hah, more mistakes than I normally have. Thank you, thank you dear. If I would if I could, give you description, but I'm not sure how yet. On antebellum, I looked it up in my dictionary, and it is antebellum; ante bellum is the latin phrase. Thanks for pointing that out. Actually I wrote this really late, or early, I can't remember.

Bah, I should edit frequently.

This is also my first stab at pure fiction in a very, very long time.

I will post the longer, edited version of this later.

Ciao, Kelle