Duel with a Stranger

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When you're exams are going on do you

  • Refrain from all other activities except studying and eating No votes
  • Carry on with normal life 57%
  • Chalk out a routine that allows time for entertainment 43%

Total votes: 7

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One whole month away from YWS! WHEW? Well I'm back now and I'm going to celebrate by sending in my latest. :elephant:

Bob looked out of the window and frowned. His sight was met by a pair of rough eyes, illiterate foolishness pouring out from the pupils. The sight bemused him and he hoped the person at the other end would be similarly bemused and turn away. Instead, without showing any signs of being insulted the man revealed a yellowish set of teeth which seemed to mock Bob. The disgust in Bob had welled up but he was rooted to the spot. The duel of stares had reached its climax and Bob felt like a Texas rancher loading his last bullet with the opponent prowling, anticipating Bob's next move. The tension in the air was thick enough to cut with a knife.
Bob slowly moved away from the window, having lost but trying to tell himself he was not playing any game. At the gate of the house, the stranger met another man who had just climbed the wall of Bob's house to the outside. The other man remarked,"Fantastic the way you grabbed that un's attention. It was a lark looting this one."
The two men walked into the sunset to embark on further quests while Bob was seated in his drawing room, gladly oblivious of the disorder in the other rooms of his house.



Well, I guess that wasn't exactly top class but it'll help me return to the spirit of YWS. One whole month, I refrained from going on the Net because of exams and guess how I feel now that exam's over! 8)
Last edited by Jojo on Sat Mar 11, 2006 9:23 am, edited 2 times in total.
The Football Freak.




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This was a Great story, didnt need to have a climax of swords or guns to be good .like the ending.

And about the exams , if you have nothing to look foward to, then revising will seem pointless so leave some time to relax or you'll go crazy :x :D
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Jojo wrote:One whole month away from YWS! WHEW? Well I'm back now and I'm going to celebrate by sending in my latest. :elephant:


Yay! It's good to have you back.

This was really amusing to read and I have just a few comments.

Jojo wrote:His sight was met by a pair of rough eyes, illiterate foolishness pouring out from the pupils.


Was his sight really met with the eyes? Or was he? I would probably meld this together with the first sentence and say something like Bob looked out the window and frowned as he saw a pair of rough looking eyes. Illiterate foolishness poured from thier pupils. (notice, I also deleted the word "out". It seemed to lengthen the setence needlessly, since the reader will automatically assume that they are pouring out.)

Jojo wrote:Instead, without showing any signs of being insulted the man revealed a yellowish set of teeth which seemed to mock at Bob.


Was he mocking at Bob? Or was he mocking Bob? There is a slight difference.

Jojo wrote:The tension in the air was thick enough to cut with a knife.


This line has been used in some many different stories and movies and has been made into a joke in a million cartoons. You had a really excellent line before this one about being a Texas Ranger and then you just dropped with this line. Is there anyway you can describe the tension differently?

Jojo wrote:Bob slowly moved away from the window, having lost but trying to tell himself he was not playing any game. At the gate of the house, the stranger met another man who had just climbed the wall of Bob's house to the outside. The other man remarked,"Fantastic the way you grabbed that un's attention. It was a lark looting this one."


Dialogue should begin a new paragraph.

Other than that, I really liked this. It's a really funny idea for a thief to have a staring contest with a guy while his partner robs his house. Nicely done.
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
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blob- It was only the ending that I meant to be interesting. I'm trying to be a short story writer, and I mean short literally. I don't consider 5000-word 'short stories' to be short stories. Therefore, I'm attempting to create some scrumptious endings because I believe the marvel of short stories lies in the twists in the tales.
About exams, don't you think me to be a bookworm. I stayed away from the Net just so that I don't have a guilty conscience, not because I was engaged in reading. I hate studying but what I hate even more is not to study with my book open in front of me.
Duskglimmer- Well, what have I got to say. You cannot believe how happy your critique made me. It was the first BIG reply I received after my return. I'm contemplating my mistakes right now and thanks a lot for the 'mock at' thing.
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