Donald Duck and Jacky the Neutered Cat

16 posts1, 2
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 17580
Reviews 798
My younger sister, penname Addie Rivers, is holding a contest on writing.com, and this is my entry. The requirements specified 500-1000 words, and the story had to incorporate the line "I still didn't see what Donald Duck had to do with this." If you have an account on writing.com, I would be vurry grateful if you'd look her up and enter a little something.



I have seven siblings. Needless to say, things at my house are... interesting.

And because I am the second of these eight children, and the oldest girl, I have certain responsibilities the younger kids don’t. For instance, each morning, one of my jobs is to help the three younger girls get breakfast.

Which is why it is no surprise I found myself once again debating with a seven-year old, a five-year old, and a three-year old which cereal they would partake of this morning.

“Mom says Cheerios,” I told them firmly, holding the yellow box with the “heart healthy” bowl in one hand.

Seven-year old Liesel shook her head. “No she didn’t.”

“Yes she did.”

Five-year old Grace was in total agreement with Liesel. “No, Hannah, Mommy said we could pick this time.”

“Mom!” I called from the kitchen to her upstairs bedroom. “Can the girls pick their own cereal today?”

“No,” was the shout I received in return, and I smirked at the three little girls gathered around my feet, blonde hair still hanging in tangles around their shoulders since Mom and I hadn’t done their hair yet.

“See? Okay, so Cheerios. Go sit; I’ll pour.”

Liesel groaned, which of course meant Gracie was going to follow suit, and even three-year old Sarah grumbled a little on the way to the table. The three clambered into chairs as the cereal clinked into four bowls and milk sloshed over the cereal.

“Big bites, no stalling, we’re already running late,” I said as I set the bowls in front of my sisters and handed them each a spoon.

Baby Sarah took me quite seriously. She heaped Cheerios onto her spoon, shoved them into her mouth, and before I could clarify, milk was running down her chin. Gracie was giggling too hard to eat, but Liesel looked supremely unconcerned at the childish behavior of her sisters as she took bites of a more ladylike proportion.

“Hannah,” Liesel said primly.

“Yes?” I finished wiping Sarah’s chin and had just lifted my spoon to take my first bite.

“We need juice.”

Grace’s mouth dropped open, as though I’d cheated her by forgetting her breakfast beverage, and Sarah followed their example by nodding so hard some of her blonde hair fell into her bowl. I picked it out as I stood and poured us all orange juice, though mine was the only one in a glass cup.

“Eat,” I ordered Grace, who had been playing with her spoon, which was still completely untouched by milk or Cheerios.

She took a grudging bite and wrinkled up her nose. “I don’t like Cheerios, Hannah.”

“Since when?”

“Since today. Can I have another cereal?”

“No.” I took a large bite of my cereal and had almost swallowed when Liesel decided she wanted to sip straight from her bowl. “Put it down, Liesie.”

She glared at me, but did as I asked and continued eating, though much more slowly than she had been before.

“Liesel, eat faster. Gracie, you need to eat more than three Cheerios in one bite. Sarah, what…” I trailed off, and had to bite my tongue not to laugh at the expression on my baby sister’s face. Her spoon was sticking straight out of her mouth, horizontal to the table, and her eyes were nearly crossed as she tried to focus on the shiny silver end of the utensil.

“Take the spoon out of your mouth,” I said sternly.

She did so, and dropped it into her bowl, splashing milk over the sides and onto the table.

“Nannah,” she said, looking up at me.

“Yes, Sarah.” I was leaning across the table for a paper towel to clean up her mess.

“Jacky’s gonna have kitties.”

I nearly sprayed the occupants of the table with milk and had to fight to swallow my bite. “No, sweetie, Jacky can’t have kittens,” I managed to say.

Jacky was our cat, an old, somewhat mean, white Persian who had a knack for getting underfoot at all the wrong times. He was also neutered.

“Not today,” Sarah told me, shaking her head. “Another day.”

“Jacky’s a boy. He can’t have kittens.”

“Not today,” Sarah repeated patiently. “But maybe another day.”

“Donald Duck had a kitten one time,” Liesel jumped in.

“What?”

“One time Donald had a kitty,” she repeated. “It looked like Jacky, but it was a lot nicer and didn’t shed like Jacky does a lot.”

“Hannah, is Jacky really going to have babies?” Gracie asked, looking as though Christmas had come early.

“No, he’s not going to—“

“But Donald had one!” Sarah said, as though this was the most logical conclusion one could make.

“What does that have to do with anything?” I asked, not even realizing that cereal was growing soggy as four spoons lay forgotten in the milk.

“If Donald Duck gets kittens, then Jacky should have them too,” Liesel said. “Otherwise that’s not fair.”

“Jacky’s a boy,” I reminded them. I still didn’t see what Donald Duck had to do with this.

“But can’t Jacky have kittens?” Gracie was starting to look worried that Jacky would be denied the joys of motherhood.

“Jacky is not going to have kittens because he. Is. A. BOY! Now stop asking and finish your cereal!”

“Hannah, stop yelling at your sisters,” my mother called from upstairs, but none of us seemed to hear her.

“Not today,” Sarah said calmly as she picked up her spoon and held it in her little fist. “Another day.”

“Yeah,” Gracie agreed, going back to her breakfast. “Jacky will have them another day.”

“Just like Donald,” Liesel said as she too resumed her meal.

I groaned and buried my face in my hands. “I give up.”

“It’s okay, Nannah,” Sarah said, her mouth full. “Jacky will let you pet the kittens if you’re good.”

I lifted my head and looked at each of my three sisters, a little smile spreading over my lips. “You’re right,” I said, and we finished our Cheerios in peace.
Got YWS?

"Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed."
- Dale Carnegie




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 1160
At first the title scared me...
but this was highly entertaining, I LOVED IT!
Hahahah *is still laughing*




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 990
Reviews 139
Thats cool, nice little entertaining story on...sisters




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 42
It's good but if you add more it will be even better. Are you going to continue with this story or is this just it?

It's definitly origional and has good perspective on having younger sisters as if your speaking from experience.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 17580
Reviews 798
Something like this might be incorporated into a novel sometime, but this was really just for the contest.

I do have two younger sisters, but it's more based off the life of one of my best friends; she really is the second of eight and the three youngest are all girls. :P
Got YWS?

"Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed."
- Dale Carnegie




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6090
Reviews 1258
'And because I am the second of these eight children, and the oldest girl, I have certain responsibilities the younger kids don’t. For instance, each morning, one of my jobs is to help the three younger girls get breakfast.'

This was sort of a clunker sentence. It sort of goes without saying that you're going to have more responsibilities than the younger kids do, unless you live in a strange parallel universe or something. Also, I'd get rid of the 'for instance', since you're only focusing on the one job for the remainder of the story. The 'for instance' implies that you're going to tell us more about what you've got to do every day.

'holding the yellow box with the “heart healthy” bowl in one hand.'

Pretend that I am the most literal person on the planet and am reading this piece right now. What am I thinking as my eyes run over this sentence? (Ooer, I'm finding it hard to get into character. :P) I'd probably be thinking, 'How the heck can a bowl be heart healthy?' Unless you made it out of a gourd or something, which I doubt would be actuality for a modern, middle-class American family. Instead, I'd describe the bowl on the yellow box- but don't overdo such since- unless you've been living in a cave for the past fifty years- everybody knows what a Cheerios box looks like.

'though mine was the only one in a glass cup.'

I liked that little detail, since that's how it works in most houses- unless you can consistently not spill your beverage, you're going with the plastic sippy cup. However, since you don't tell us what the girls' drinks were in, it's just sort of a 'there' line. Sort of like 'My family and I went to Burger King today. We all had Whoppers, and we also have a dog named Pooch'- it doesn't sound complete, somehow. Stick in something about the girls' cups and you'll be good to go.

'I lifted my head and looked at each of my three sisters, a little smile spreading over my lips.'

This is pretty cool, but since you don't give us any clue that you're going to become submissive, it seems a little abrupt. Disperse little hints of exasperation throughout the dialogue so that when you finally wave the white flag, it won't seem like you ran out of time and didn't feel like finishing the piece.

I loved the argument about 'but Jacky's a BOY!' since everyone with younger siblings and a pet has gone through that some time in their life. And what's even cooler is that you still make it funny after nearly everyone who'll read this has been through that exact same experience. High fives for that, Ari!

The only other thing that irks me about this is the smallest sister calling Hannah 'Nannah'. The 'n' sound isn't logical in that word, even to a little kid. You'd probably be best off taking away a letter or two (calling her 'Anna' or 'Haah' would be better). Besides, the n would be harder for a little kid to say.

Well, that's from me...cool piece, Ari! Good luck to you and your sister with the contest. :D
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 6831
Reviews 594
Lol!! The title was crazy, but I knew it would be explained well because you're a good writer. I loved this! It was adorable! I could see every action clearly, and the chaos was realistic. Nicely done!
Love and Light




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 44
This was som fine stuff, the best of it was the talking , it felt real, and this has shown me somthing. You have wrote about somthing so small and insignificant but you still managed to fix me to my seat , absiloutly marvoulessly written. 8)
From palistine and proud of it




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 80
honestly, I was scared of teh title at first... took me a while to read.. but lordy that was funny! Very well written, and highly entertaining! Good job ari, v. v. beautiful... -sniffles and clings to the story crying?- hah... wow its too early...
“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”

"Foul devil, for God's sake, hence, and trouble us not;
For thou hast made the happy earth thy hell,
Fill'd it with cursing cries and deep exclaims." (Richard III 1.2) Shakespeare




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2340
Reviews 447
*laughs* okay, I'll admit it, the title scared me. But I have a habit of reading the featured stories, so I couldn't let this one go by.

And it was great. It reminded me so much of the some of the illogical logic that my little sisters put together.

I really have no comment of my own, but just off what Sam said: I have a family member named "Hannah" and I can tell you that very young children did call her "Nannah". The "h" sound it very hard to pronounce in the beginning years, apparently.

Princess Ari wrote:“But can’t Jacky have kittens?” Gracie was starting to look worried that Jacky would be denied the joys of motherhood.


^^^ This was probably my favorite line in the whole thing. It's just so absurd and adorable at the same time.
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
Boo. SPEW is watching.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 17580
Reviews 798
Yeah, Sambo... I know the beginning needs to be stabbed to death with a spork, but this is basically a freewrite; I did it in an hour or so last Friday. But it's in the contest now and I'm far too lazy to change it. :P

Crysi: Thankee! The kids make me laugh too...

blob: blob blob blob... there goes that fun name thing again. Fun to say AND type! Hehe. Thanks for reading!

lady: I don't think you were the only one freaked out by the title... I'm thinking I might want to change it because I'm scaring people, lol.

Dusky: I knew a girl named Hannah when I was in seventh grade, and her little sister called her Nannah, so that's where I got it. Actually, I have another friend now with a little sister named Hannah, but she calls her Bimi... don't ask me why... LOL... Absurdly adorable... I like that... :D
Got YWS?

"Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed."
- Dale Carnegie




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 131
Totally cool, theres nothing more i can say really because people have already picked at the picking i saw that needed to be done, ok that was weird. Anyway it made something as simple as feeding three little girls so interesting.
Trying to survive "sweet sixteen."
---
<love> is sweet -suicide- and {[you]} are my LATEST a.t.t.e.m.p.t




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 17580
Reviews 798
Thank you! I've been trying to write more about things that I know about, things that have happened to me, etc. Just life experience in general. So I guess it's worked, considering all the people that like this, lol. :D
Got YWS?

"Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed."
- Dale Carnegie




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 685
Very clever and very cute in the best possible way! I would love to see it incorporated into a novel. You've got very well defined characters and lots of material for a possible conflict. Go for it!
Please, sit down before you fall down.
Belloq, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 137
Good job, Areida. Too bad I still don't know what Donald Duck has to do with a boy cat having babies...Did Donald Duck ever have a kitten? *blinkblinkblink*

I love the title, but it's not that Jacky's neutered, but that he's a boy...so, it sounds good but it doesn't match your story.

I would make a few suggestions, but like you said, it's alread entered. Cute, fun, easy to read story.

But, you know, I'd really like to see you tap into your potential and write a longer piece. Are you doing the "Novel Writing Year" thingy? I think quirky, contemporary writing is your forte. If you have anything you'd like me to read/review, just let me know.

-Sarah
"And I am a writer
writer of fiction
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones...
Let me go if you don't love me" ~The Decembrists "Engine Driver"



You know what the big problem is in telling fantasy and reality apart? They're both ridiculous.
— The 12th Doctor