DOOMED

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Something under development... bits and bits need editing, although Snoink has helped me a bit on it, I'd like some more... opinions and such... Here's teh first "chapter."

September:

The class looked somewhat distraught at the sight of the approaching student. His chains clinked and clanked against his black pants as he strode past all of them. There was black eyeliner on his face, smudged along his cheeks was frightening, surrounded his bottle green eyes. There was a piercing on his eyebrow, one on his earlobe, and one on his ear cartilage, completed with tiny golden ring earrings. Around his neck was a thin golden necklace with a black jewel at the end that touched the tip of his white lightning bolted shirt. His stare was blank, almost dead, as he sat down and scanned the classroom.

The board, on the first day of school, was covered in odd letters, with lines that crossed out, underlined and divided them. None of them spelled any known words. The letters spoke to him, catching him in a foreign fascination. He was utterly confused and lost, before the bell rang, but as the ring faded and the teacher came in and began to welcome the students, it hit him. Math class.
He was never fond of it.

Actually, he was never fond of anything in school. He found it to be a waste of time.

As the teacher read through the name list, bellowing out names to students who didn’t realize why they were being called, he let out a long call of, “Thomas, Al-stine.”

“It’s pronounced Al-steen.”

“My mistake, Alstine.” The teacher looked up at him and immediately questioned him as to where he went last year for school; that he hadn’t seen Alstine last year before.

“I went here last year.”

“Are you sure? Haven’t seen you around before.”

“Over the summer people change, don’t you think so too?” Alstine’s tone was dull and uninterested at the conversation, leaving the teacher baffled. Alstine let out a loud yawn without covering his mouth, to reveal that his tongue was pierced with a gold stud.

The teacher was apparently shocked and a tinge embarrassed by his questioned-answer but continued down the list and proceeded to hand out books and a small list of things needed for class. Alstine took his list and folded it in half without a glance, sighing while he waited for his book to stuff the paper in and write dirty things on the pages.

English and history went by, no trouble from curious teachers. Mr. Morrison, the math teacher, stared at Alstine every time he trudged down the hallway to the teacher’s lounge for a mug of coffee, which was a lot of coffee only three hours into the day.
Everybody stared.

Everybody was afraid.

Alstine ignored them; shut them out, shut out the school. And with every thing he didn’t notice was everything that noticed him. For instance, the cheerleaders, who were huddled in a corner, jittering and prepping like cheerleaders tend to do, saw him approaching and slowly began to take their leave up the stairwell, all but one girl who walked the other way, towards Alstine. He pretended to not notice her, trying to hide behind his long black and red (striped) Mohawk, but came to the sad inevitability that she was looking at him. From the corners of their eyes they met, but walked nonetheless. The only thing Alstine noticed about this cheerleader was that her eyes were brown. Cinnamon brown.

It was supposed to be his first and last though of her, at least until a giant behemoth in a red and white number twelve jersey stood before him, blocking the path.

“Hey man, you lookin’ at my Glora?” said the strapping jock.

Alstine had no choice but to look fear in its muscular face and reply, “I don’t know who you’re talkin’ about.” The jock pushed him against the lockers, knocking all of Alstine’s possessions to the ground. The sound banged eerily, and without the accompanying clatter of footsteps, all Alstine could do was to keep an intelligent and calm face; unlike his companion, who was now burning crimson and sweaty.

“Listen man, if I ever see you starin’ at my Glora again I’ma make you regret the day you was born,” he growled before giving one final thrust of his enormous hand, knocking Alstine against the locker once more and stomping away.

Alstine picked up the notebook and pencils he’d dropped. The heavy sound of boots approached, slowly and paused right in front of Alstine. Alstine spotted the pair of black leather boots with silver buckle but didn’t make any eye contact.

“Shoot, are you stupid or some’in’? Messin’ ‘round with Jackster, man, you idiot,” said the stranger. Alstine picked up his pens, stood up, and headed towards the cafeteria. He suddenly heard the familiar boot’s following him. “You’re new ain’t ya?”

Alstine turned around and came face to face with a Cousin It imitation. Thick, russet hair covered the pale boy’s eyes and stopped at the bridge of his nose, and the only thing that shown was a pair of thin lips and a silver lip stud. The boy wore a black duster, with chains stinking in and out of pockets. There was nothing more to describe this black ghost, everything else to be described was hidden under hair and a jacket.

“I’m not new, I’m just not awake either,” Alstine stood face to face with the strange boy, who seemed to take great interest in him.
“Cool,” replied the boy, who then stuck out his hand, “Ted Larson.”

“Alstine Thomas,” Alstine stuck his hand out and they shook it. Such an odd way to begin an acquaintanceship. “Ted is short for Theodore right?”

Ted, clearly beginning to blush pink, nodded and then shook the feeling off by asking, “What’s with Alstine? German or what? Know what- it’d be awesome if it was an illness or something, like cancer.”

“It’s some obsession my parents have or somethin’. My parents are both half-German geniuses and love Albert Einstein. Alstine’s like both combined, only with a little twist at the end. Instead of it being pronounced stein it’s pronounced steen. Well here, can’t remember if it was, like, steen in German.”

Alstine and Ted walked towards the cafeteria, and what a long walk it was. All the twisting and turning had confused both of the boys on their journey to get some fish or chicken or dog burgers. They continued to talk, had come to an understanding of each another.

Their friendship wasn’t based by the color of their clothes, how much make up was packed onto their faces, or if System of a Down was better than Slipknot, it was just a friendship. As far as friendships went, this one was going to go far.




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At the lunch table, the only one left, with a leg that caused slanting and wobbling, Alstine and Ted continued to talk about things that they found interesting, which lead to death, obscurity, and corruption in the world. Then Ted went on a rant about cancer; and possibly feared he had inherited the genetics from his father’s side. Alstine was halfheartedly listening to his new friend go on and on about the death of several aunts and his grandma, and as tragic as it was, it was dull.

It was because Ted spoke in a dull tone.

Usually dull tones signify dull things.

Dullness isn’t overrated; just misunderstood.

Alstine turned his head and spotted Glora, sitting at a table with only a salad and apple on her tray. Could people eat such things and consider it food? Apparently, the feeding frenzy of cheerleaders had caught Ted’s eye as well, because he stopped his yammering and looked out from the corner of his eye at them.

“Ugly creatures.”

“What?”

“Duh, Alstine, they’re like cheerleaders. Dun tell me you like one o’ them?”

“Well –”

“Glora Stanwell, correct? She’s the worst, datin’ Jack Starr a-k-a Jackster, don’t wanna mess with him, dude,” Ted said with a mouthful of chicken stew, drizzled all over a rock-solid biscuit. Alstine turned to take another glimpse of Glora, whose brown-red pony tailed hair waved as she shook her head furiously. He wondered about what form her brown eyes took, squinted or wide, as her head jerked from side to
side. “Tell me ‘bout her Ted, tell me ‘bout Glora.”

Ted stared at him.

It was a long, curious and awkward stare.

“Why? Didn’t I tell you she’s a cheerleader? Don’t you get it man? She’s, like, bad news!”

“Ted, tell me about her before I walk ov’r there and lift up your bangs.”

“Alright, man, she’s like a cheerleader and stuff, has been for like two years here, and for another center, which is weird ‘cause she can cheer against this team, or for it, and when the two teams meet it’s all, whoa – I mean like she splits during halftime or som’ming. Kinda funny, gets hit with trash from both sides. Violent sport football is, hate it. And – lemme think – she has brown eyes, brown hair, brown shoes, brown coat, white skin – All brown American – not the type that we discriminate though, them’s different,” Ted explained. He loved to rant on and on about nothing. Alstine had only known this boy for half an hour and already it seemed like an eternity. Who knew people could talk so much?

“Think she’ll talk to me if I go up there?”

“Man, what I think is you’re gonna get killed, man!”

“You’re very positive, ya know that? It’s so friggin’ annoyin’ sometimes, I swear.” Alstine stood up and took his tray to dump it, passing Glora and smelling her scent of sugary watermelon, hating it immediately, but finding a deep irony in the situation of girl versus her scent. Wasn’t, after all, scent a very important part in attracting a mate? Perhaps, in the animal world, but wasn’t high school just that?
He passed her again, realizing that Jackster was right next to her, without looking or thinking, back to the table where Ted was busy cleaning out his fingernails. “I saw that.”

“What?”

“You were lookin’ at Glora ‘gain, moron. Don’t let it get to your head, but that was pretty brave of you, considerin’ the hugest guy in the school – who’d squish you flat under his muscularly titanic butt- was right next to her. High-five, man,” Ted laughed as he reached over and slapped Alstine in his hand; thus the high-five.


School let out for the day and all the tired yet joyful students ran to catch their busses, to exchange numbers with new acquaintances, and, for the bullies, to beat nerds senseless; letting them know they were superior, and not surprisingly, Jackster was there. A towering six-foot giant punching a nerd with glasses just wasn’t how life was meant to be; in the end the nerds will invent robots to beat us up. Cherish life.
Ted and Alstine walked home, finding out they lived a few blocks from each another for quite some time. The leaves hadn’t fallen to the ground yet; they had just begun to ripen with the colors of autumn. Alstine spoke about how wrong the school was, how the unfairness and the perfume seemed to ruin the school ‘spirit’. Then he wished the leaves would turn black.

“Alstine, I’m wonderin’ if I could call ya Al,” Ted randomly blurted out.

“Why, ever so, dear Theodore?”

“’Cause it’s shorter and stuff. I mean, Alstine is weird; wouldn’t you rather make plebs think you were, like, Albert or something? I mean, really dude, you’re as weird as they get, and they ain’t get no weirder than you – well except for me, but that’s another doughnut for another day, man,” Ted kicked at the ground to dislodge some pebbles that were stuck to the soles of his shoes. Too bad nobody could shake off their souls as easily; life would have been much easier.

“If I let you call me Al, what’s in it for me?”

“You can call me Ted.”

“I’ve been callin’ you Ted.”

“So what, man? You can keep callin’ me Ted.”

“I am gonna turn around and rip them bangs offa your face if you don’t give me what I want.”

“It’s against me to murder people Al, the cancer’ll get to ‘em anyway.”

“Man, I mean get me Glora’s number, what are you stupid or som’ing? Gosh – why is it I am shunned from, like, everybody, and those I know are so …” Alstine paused. He turned around to see Ted shuffling through note-cards, taking quick glances at them before putting them at the back of the deck. He then handed a card to Alstine; on it was a profile of Glora. Her phone and address were listed, under her name and school ID number. Alstine was a bit surprised, folded it up and put it in his pocket.

“What no thanks? Do you know how many times I got hurt tryin’ to get some o’ that?” Ted shouted as Alstine crossed the street to get home.

“The deal was you could call me Al and not get your hair ripped off, alright buddy?”

And a deal’s a deal.




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COME ON SOMEBODY READ THIS!!!
What's it take for a girl like me to get things NOTICED AROUND HERE???
Do I have to become a ()*&(*@&#( annorexic and get on the talk shows before you notice me? COME ON!




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I read it just now... And I have things to say, but the bell is going to ring in about five minutes, and I can't be online during my next class (I actually have to pay attention). I don't have time to do a full critique right now, so I'll come back and do so after school. However, I noticed a number of grammatical things, some of the sentences are very awkward, and I'm having trouble figuring out what's up with the dialogue. I'm not sure why I'm so stuck on the dialogue, but it doesn't feel right. I can't tell what dialect the characters are supposed to be speaking, if any in particular. Ted sometimes feels like he's Scottish or something, then he sounds like he's high...
I'll be back to finish this later today or tonight.

EDIT: Time for an actual, full on critique.
There was black eyeliner on his face, smudged along his cheeks was frightening, surrounded his bottle green eyes.
This is from the very first paragraph. It feels awkward. I know what you're trying to say, but it isn't phrased well at all. It would make much more sense if you changed the order to something like this: "Black eyeliner surrounded his bottle green eyes and smudged along his cheeks." I'm not sure where to fit in the phrase about it being frightening though.
white lightning bolted shirt.
This just doesn't feel right either. Can you tell us what is on the shirt without phrasing it that way?
The letters spoke to him, catching him in a foreign fascination.
Again, awkward wording.
He was utterly confused and lost, before the bell rang
Shouldn't be a comma there.
The teacher looked up at him and immediately questioned him as to where he went last year for school; that he hadn’t seen Alstine last year before.
I would reword this. Perhaps "The teacher looked up and immediately questioned Alstine as to where he went last year; he was sure he hadn't seen Alstine before." No matter what, "last year before" should be changed to either "last year" or "the year before".
“Are you sure? Haven’t seen you around before.”
This piece of dialogue sounds a little too casual. The teacher character feels a little stuffy to me, like a really uptight uncool math teacher. I would picture him saying "Are you sure? I'm certain I've never seen you before."
“Over the summer people change, don’t you think so too?” Alstine’s tone was dull and uninterested at the conversation, leaving the teacher baffled. Alstine let out a loud yawn without covering his mouth, to reveal that his tongue was pierced with a gold stud.
Alstine, meanwhile, seems to be a very stereotypical sarcastic cooler-than-thou type. I don't see him adding anything to the first phrase in that. In fact, I could see him just saying, "People change," and leaving it at that. The phrase "at the conversation" is unnecessary. Also, I would change that last bit to "to reveal a golden tongue stud." It's just a little smoother that way.
The teacher was apparently shocked and a tinge embarrassed by his questioned-answer but continued down the list and proceeded to hand out books and a small list of things needed for class.
Show, don't tell. How is this teacher reacting in ways that Alstine can see? Did he blush, stutter, or perhaps just stare in shock for a few moments? Also- what do you mean by "his questioned-answer"? I've never heard that phrase before, and it confuses me.
For instance, the cheerleaders, who were huddled in a corner, jittering and prepping like cheerleaders tend to do, saw him approaching and slowly began to take their leave up the stairwell, all but one girl who walked the other way, towards Alstine.
Take out the 'for instance'. Again, it's show, don't tell. Also, since when can 'prep' be used as a verb? This is a new development for me, and I'm in high school. You'd think I'd hear people saying it. And I feel like jittering isn't a word either. 'All but' could also be 'except for', which I would prefer, but it could work either way.
He pretended to not notice her, trying to hide behind his long black and red (striped) Mohawk, but came to the sad inevitability that she was looking at him. From the corners of their eyes they met, but walked nonetheless. The only thing Alstine noticed about this cheerleader was that her eyes were brown. Cinnamon brown.
Striped should either be out of parentheses or not there at all. The next phrase is awkward, but I can't figure out why. The sentence after that makes sense, but isn't phrased well. Perhaps, "She caught the corner of his eye, but walked on," or something of the like?
“I don’t know who you’re talkin’ about.”
As I said earlier, Alstine's dialogue just doesn't fit for me. I don't see him cutting off his 'g's in conversation. There's no indication that he's from a region that would use such dialect, and it just bugs me.
The heavy sound of boots approached, slowly and paused right in front of Alstine. Alstine spotted the pair of black leather boots with silver buckle but didn’t make any eye contact.
. I would move 'slowly' in front of 'approached' and remove the comma. Has Alstine gotten up yet here? Or is he still sitting on the floor next to the lockers? I think you could clarify that in this sentence.
“Shoot, are you stupid or some’in’? Messin’ ‘round with Jackster, man, you idiot,” said the stranger. Alstine picked up his pens, stood up, and headed towards the cafeteria. He suddenly heard the familiar boot’s following him. “You’re new ain’t ya?”
Okay, are they in the South or what? Because this dialect is driving me insane! There has been no sign of Southerness except for the dialogue. Either way, as I read on, Ted starts to sound Scottish sometimes... And sometimes he just sounds high.
“It’s some obsession my parents have or somethin’. My parents are both half-German geniuses and love Albert Einstein. Alstine’s like both combined, only with a little twist at the end. Instead of it being pronounced stein it’s pronounced steen. Well here, can’t remember if it was, like, steen in German.”
I don't see Alstine sharing this much about himself within minutes of meeting someone. In fact, I'd see him as being kind of rude to Ted, because so far we've had no indication that Alstine likes any other human being. Ted I can see as being the kind of annoying person who would follow Alstine around anyway, so the next scene could still work. Also, as I said before, I don't see Alstine cutting off his 'g's. Especially if his parents are both half-German. Perhaps he could have some sort of German accent for some reason, but I'm not sure how that would affect his speech, since I never took German.
As for the last few lines of the first post, as I said, I just haven't gotten the feeling that Alstine would make a friend that quickly. I definitely see Ted just kind of following him around talking non-stop though.

I'm not going to go through the second part like that unless you really want me to, because it's almost dinner time. The biggest issues I see are a number of awkward sentences and dialogue. The awkward sentences can be solved more easily than you think. My suggestion is to read the entire piece aloud. When you read something, you tend to catch any bad grammar or awkward phrasing. The easiest way to do this is to print the piece and get out a red pen and just put a little mark next to each thing that needs changing so that you can find it later. Don't worry about fixing things as you read, because then you'll just go insane.
As for the dialogue... The southern dialect that I keep seeing drives me insane, and I feel like all your characters have pretty much the same voice. Different people have different speech patterns. The teacher I see as kind of uptight, and his speech should reflect that. I think that Alstine would only speak causally in a very special case, even with friends. I did like the Jackster's voice; that seemed to fit him perfectly. The nickname bugs me though; too stereotypical.

My biggest concern is more than that though. This story feels very cliched to me. You've got your misunderstood teen, his sidekick, the pretty cheerleader, and her boyfriend. If this follows cliche, the misunderstood teen and the pretty cheerleader will either become friends or more than friends, then the jock boyfriend will try to beat up the misunderstood teen... It's very much a cliched teen movie plot. That Alstine is already falling for Glora and getting her phone number only worries me more. I hope you have plans to pull this out of cliche-dom, because otherwise I can't see it keeping my attention at all.




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"This story feels very cliched to me. You've got your misunderstood teen, his sidekick, the pretty cheerleader, and her boyfriend. If this follows cliche, the misunderstood teen and the pretty cheerleader will either become friends or more than friends, then the jock boyfriend will try to beat up the misunderstood teen... It's very much a cliched teen movie plot. That Alstine is already falling for Glora and getting her phone number only worries me more. I hope you have plans to pull this out of cliche-dom, because otherwise I can't see it keeping my attention at all."

If anybody else points how how "cliche it is" then (*&@$(*&#(&@#$(*#& you....
Anyway, that's beside the point, this is the beginning, I'll take everything into consideration, a long with a whole bunch of *)(&@$(*&# TWISTS!!!

AHHHH




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Sorry Liz when i started reading this yesterday i ran out of time, it's good and i don't think it cliche it's just seems that i think. Anyway intresting could you put more in. Heck why can i never write normal stories like this.
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Hey- I'm sorry if that came out the wrong way. I don't mean any of it in a bad way- I mean, I'm sure you've got some pretty cool stuff ahead. I'm saying that from reading this section and only this section, it feels a little cliched. That doesn't mean it will stay that way at all, and I'm looking forward to seeing what plot twists you have in store for us. However, a cliched beginning could be a little discouraging to some readers. Just keep that in mind.



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