Brave Soldier

So I wrote this for my english class, and I just wanted to know what you guys think about it. So PLEASE give me feedback!!

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I’m marching into battle, and I’m drowning in fear. I’ll either win or lose... if I lose I’ll die. I’m frightened because I’m not sure this is a battle I’m strong enough to win. I feel cold, and numb, this can’t be happening to me! It has to be happening to someone else! A fresh wave of fear pushes me down as I realize how impossible this is going to be for me to win. I’ve had no training... there has been absolutely nothing to prepare me for this fatal battle. But I’m going to fight my hardest, even though I’m terrified. I’ll give it my all, because I’m not ready to leave this world yet.

Who will watch my sister Baylee, and help her with her mad-minutes? Or what about my three-year-old brother Jack? Who will help him learn the alphabet? And Mom, what about her? After those long days at the salon cutting hair, and painting toenails, who will rub her feet and paint her toenails? And Daddy, my poor Daddy. Who will be there with a plate of steaming hot cookies after his endless day at the store? And who will he have to call his “little soldier”?

And it’s not just them... what about this beautiful world? I’m not ready to leave it behind! It’s not fair, I won’t go! I’m going to fight this war with every last bit of strength I have in me. I want to live to see that sunrise, all the gold and pink washing over the valley. Most people don’t see the world like I see it. They don’t have to wonder if each new day is their last....

I smell the sweet tickling sensation of roses, and I spend hours staring at that crystal clear, sapphire sky. And I see the magic in the rain. Do you notice how the drops are silver, and how after a good storm the air is sweet, and clean smelling? It’s pure... like the wicked of the world has been washed away. Or do you notice the way those shimmering rain drops sit magically on bright pink rose petals? Or how about the way the rain patters softly against the roof and windows? I can sit for hours just listening to the sounds of that magic.

But pain racks my body, as the enemy attacks me. I struggle and somehow push them back. I’m safe... for a little while at least. Mom, I’m scared! Daddy don’t let me go! Tell Baylee and Jack I love them, and please... don’t let them ever forget me.

I dream of heaven now, I’m not afraid to go there. To tell you the truth I’m excited to go there, I’m just scared to leave all of you behind. But I think it’s getting closer... no, I know it’s getting closer. But it won’t be so bad there. In heaven I won’t hurt anymore. I won’t be living in never ending agony. I’ll be normal again, this feeling of terror won’t be there with me. It’ll be peaceful there, like I’ve been dreaming it to be. Do you think they have rain there? If they don’t, Jack, will you catch rain in a jar for me? And Baylee... can you memorize the smell of that fresh after-storm air for me?

I feel at peace, I think I’m drifting off now. I’m sorry Mom and Dad... I fought so hard for you... I hope I made you proud to call me your daughter. Can you guys please write “brave little soldier” on my grave? And always remember how much I love you all Dad, Mom, Baylee, and Jack. And never, ever forget, that I had cancer... cancer did not have me.

"I feel cold, and numb,"

I don't think you need a comma after COLD... just "I feel cold and numb," would work.

"And Mom, what about her? After those long days at the salon cutting hair," Sounds just like my mom... although she chooses to cut hair

This was beautiful... very, well put actually. This has to be one of my favorite parts. I might be dumb, but I read it two times over to be able to realize that it wasn't a real war, just cancer. Although I can't say JUST cancer; it's a big thing.

I really did love this... I did... BELIEVE ME PEACEFUL STRANGER!
Great job, I can't wait to read more of your work.

Very good!
At first, It actually sounded like a war poem until I read the last lines. I liked that.
Well written.

Thanks for the feedback I'm glad I fooled you, that's what I was going for.

And Black Rose, I agree with you on that comma, thanks for pointing it out.

Pretty sweet...and a killer last line. However, there were TOO MANY EXCLAMATION POINTS! Augh! You can truly skewer a perfectly good piece of writing with exclamation points...which is why you've got to learn to use them properly. Limit yourself to one or two per chapter/story, and never use two in a row (clunk factor: 100%). Especially in a serious-ish short story like this- it just doesn't work.

'I’ll either win or lose... if I lose I’ll die.'

A fairly good line by itself, but at the very opening of a story it is absolutely icky. I'd delete it, or move it to a later section.

'But I’m going to fight my hardest, even though I’m terrified'

Er...didn't you already tell us you were drowning in fear? Unless you're writing for children suffering from ADD, I wouldn't leave that last bit in there. The fighting your hardest is good, just not the terrified.

'I’ll give it my all'

You just said you were going to fight your hardest, which is basically the same thing in my book. Could be just me, though.

The rest of it is pretty good- sweet and touching at the same time without being overly sappy, which I commend you for. And again, an uberly awesome last line.

Overall...good job!

Thanks for the critic Sam

I was wondering if anyone had a better title idea. I don't really like the title but I'm not sure what else to call it. So if you have any ideas at all PLEASE HELP ME! Thanks

Welcome!

Hmm...maybe something like 'Storm Chaser' or even just 'Soldier'? You'd want to keep the roughness of the title to make it work. *thinks*

I'll tell you if I come up with anything else.