Young Writers Society

Teenage angst, brought to you by, well, me. Oh! Notice there isn't a chorus?

Smile pretty and hide the pain
‘Cause you’re not allowed to be down’, you say
And it’s just part of your bigger game
You don’t care, anyway



I’m sick of pretending
Everything is okay
Why can’t you notice my broken smile
And say ‘I’m sorry, so sorry’



But you still lie
And I still cry
Nothing will ever change
Just let the rain wash you
Out of my hair



I’m not who you want me to be,
That much is clear
I can’t always be there
To cheer during your failure



Maybe it’s best if you just left
Forget about me, and everything we could be
Cause, what’s the point of hope
If you used to have it all?

Hello, Wicked!
I'm Allie, I'll be your reviewer today.
My thoughs/comments are in Red.

Smile pretty and hide the pain
‘Cause you’re not allowed to be down’, you say
And it’s just part of your bigger game
You don’t care, anyway Shouldn't "Smile pretty and hide the pain" be in quotations as well? And I like how all the external enders rhyme. I was never able to do that <3



I’m sick of pretending
Everything is okay
Why can’t you notice my broken smile
And say ‘I’m sorry, so sorry’ I didn't see any rhyming here...? I know how you feel. Sometimes you want to talk to someone



But you still lie
And I still cry
Nothing will ever change
Just let the rain wash you
Out of my hair The first two rhyme, but that's lost through the rest of the stanza. Love the "Let the rain wash you out of my hair"



I’m not who you want me to be,
That much is clear
I can’t always be there
To cheer during your failure You have a few rough rhymes here. If you put a little accent in, it would add both rhyme and more charm!



Maybe it’s best if you just left
Forget about me, and everything we could be
Cause, what’s the point of hope
If you used to have it all? This line reminds me of Adele's "Rolling in the Deep". I love that song

All in all, this is a great song, and it can only use some minor touch ups! I look forward to seeing more from you!
It's been a pleasure


~Allie Rose~

This poem is excellent, and very accessable. My main critique would be that, because the lines are so short, the ryhmes become a little overwhelming. Their is plenty of room in your poem for extra imagery/descriptiveness that would make for good cusion between the rhymes. I am in no way advocating filler, but it is something to think about as you read through your poem. The sense of hurry is good for conveying anger or pain, but sometimes it is more powerful if you dwell a little in certain areas to really draw out the pain. Fantastic peice of work though! Cootoes

Smile pretty and hide the pain

‘Cause you’re not allowed to be down’, you say

And it’s just part of your bigger game

You don’t care, anyway



I’m sick of pretending

Everything is okay

Why can’t you notice my broken smile

And say ‘I’m sorry, so sorry’



But you still lie

And I still cry

Nothing will ever change

Just let the rain wash you

Out of my hair



I’m not who you want me to be,

That much is clear

I can’t always be there

To cheer during your failure



Maybe it’s best if you just left

Forget about me, and everything we could be

Cause, what’s the point of hope

If you used to have it all?

Hello, WW! Figured out I'd do review in the lyrics section, and I came to your work. My problem here, yeah I'm going to have a problem here as I review, is that I have no idea of how this sounds. I've got no melody, therefore I can't tell the chopping of the words. If there's still no melody to this, I'd have to say that I'm not so sure how some of the lines will fit. First stanza is OK. The rhymes were there. The rhythm was also there. But when it gets to stanza two, that's where I think the words were coming a wee bit off. And then we only regain the rhymes at parts, which is kind of not that good for a song. There and failure, BTW, whether it was intentional or not, was an OK rhyme. And this is a fine song anyway. I LOLed at it while reading. It's true for some teenagers - but not all.

Keep writing!

CSI Jash ♥