Young Writers Society

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7leBswwlSYM

Time makes changes
I think I’m changing
There’s not much you can do
While you were sleeping
I was dreaming
And I wasn’t dreaming of you
It’s time to face the facts
I’m not ever coming back
This is what I have to do
And I think deep down you knew

Honey I love you and it’s killing me inside
Honey I love you but I’m leaving you tonight
Honey I love you but it’s been coming for a while
Honey I love you but I just can’t smile
I just can’t smile

We say we’re trying
But we’ve been lying
Distance makes the heart go numb
You say we’re okay
And that I should stay
But I don’t think I’m that dumb
Staying would be a mistake
One neither of us has to make
And I let you go
I just want to let you know

Honey I love you but you’re so far away
Honey I love you but you can’t make me stay
Honey I love you and I don’t want to fight
Honey I love you but I just can’t smile
I just can’t smile

We’ve just grown so far apart
So please don’t stop me or I’ll have to break your heart
And if you value anything we ever had
Walk away now
Walk away now

Honey I love you and it’s killing me inside
Honey I love you but I’m leaving you tonight
Honey I love you but it’s been coming for a while
Honey I love you but I just can’t
Honey I love you but you’re so far away
Honey I love you but you can’t make me stay
Honey I love you and I don’t want to fight
Honey I love you but I just can’t smile
I just can’t smile
I just can’t smile

Hi I don't normally review lyrics, but I see that this has been available for review for some time now, and no one has taken up the challenge, so I will :3 First I'd like to say that I really enjoyed the rhythm of your lyrics and I could almost imagine the music that would accompany this. I liked the flow of words and the stanzas really seemed to fit well together. You've got a good narrative story that layers itself chronologically, which is always a tremendous bonus. I like how you've gone for a simplistic style and written about something that anyone and everyone can connect to. Who hasn't ever fallen out of love?

There were a few things I noticed specifically throughout your lyrics:

While you were sleeping
I was dreaming
And I wasn’t dreaming of you

While he/she was sleeping, you were dreaming? I'm not quite sure if this fits. Perhaps something more intimate would add some spice into the lyrics. Like, "While we were kissing / I was dreaming / And I wasn't dreaming of you." Or, "While we were kissing / I was thinking / And I wasn't thinking of you."

And that I should stay
But I don’t think I’m that dumb

I don't know why, but I don't think the second line here fits well with the rest of the stanza in terms of length and beat. Perhaps shortening it would work better? Something like, "And that I should stay / Honey, I'm not that dumb." Obviously not the best line I could have made up, but you get the idea.

We’ve just grown so far apart
So please don’t stop me or I’ll have to break your heart

Again here I feel as if the second line is too long. Just cutting some of it out and replacing the words:

We’ve just grown so far apart
So please don’t stop me or I’ll have I don't want to break your heart

All in all, I really liked these lyrics. What was your inspiration? Do keep on writing I believe you have some talent in this genre.

- Jai

Buddy you really got some talent and it shows in your work over here....
I too myself try to write lyrics but end up writing a simple poem... Its not that easy to write lyrics and requires a lot of talent....
And for review..... I have nothing to say... I'm dumbstruck it is marvelous....
Keep up the good work...
PM me for anything....