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Young Writers Society


Unbreakable



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Gender: None specified
Points: 1167
Reviews: 14
Thu Dec 30, 2010 5:24 am
Ashley529 says...



Unconditionally,
I'll stay here by your side.
That's what you told me
Then, you baried me alive

Why did you do it
I thought I was your friend
But I'll get through it
Yes, I will rise again

Because I'm. . .

Unbreakable
Unshakable
Watch me girl
No one can keep me down
Unbreakable
Unstoppable
Watch me girl
No, you can't keep me down

Was he worth it?
Does all that money keep you warm?
Take my word for it
He'll leave you in the middle of a storm

Why did you crush me?
I was your only friend
Oh baby, trust me
I will rise again

Because I am. . .

Unbreakable
Unshakeble
Watch me girl
No one can keep me down
Unbreakable
Unstoppable
Watch me girl
No, you can't bring me down

I see that look in your eyes
You think I want your sympethy
I see how you patronize
One day you will see

I'm Un-. . .

Breakable
Unshakable
Watch me girl
No one can bring me down
Unbreakable
unstoppable
Watch me girl
No, you can bring me down
One day you'll come back
But the love we had will not be found
  





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17 Reviews


Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 17
Thu Dec 30, 2010 8:48 am
vstarfirix says...



Dear Ashley529,

Your lyrics were good, but before you ever write the lyrics of a song, you will have to write the Artist, too so that people can understand who sung the song. And there is a spelling mistake too.

Unconditionally,
I'll stay here by your side.
That's what you told me
Then you baried me alive


I kind of think that, it was supposed to be like this:

Unconditionally,
I'll stay here by your side.
That's what you told me,
Then you buried me alive.


Anyways, your lyrics are good.

Keep reading and reviewing!

vstarfirix
"We are all mad here." said the Cheshire cat.
Alice In Wonderland

Read my story chapters: Nature's Elements - Prologue, Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four.
  





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27 Reviews


Gender: Male
Points: 1040
Reviews: 27
Thu Dec 30, 2010 2:33 pm
Mazzi says...



Ashley529 wrote:
Unconditionally, - I don't think you really need this and it sounds bad as a starting line.
I'll stay here by your side.
That's what you told me
Then, you baried me alive - I think you mean buried.

Why did you do it? - Question mark
I thought I was your friend
But I'll get through it
Yes, I will rise again

Because I'm. . .

Unbreakable
Unshakable
Watch me girl
No one can keep me down
Unbreakable
Unstoppable
Watch me girl
No, you can't keep me down

Was he worth it? - Are you asking yourself this?
Does all that money keep you warm?
Take my word for it
He'll leave you in the middle of a storm

Why did you crush me?
I was your only friend
Oh baby, trust me - The first part doesn't run smoothly with it in.
I will rise again

Because I am. . .

Unbreakable
Unshakeble
Watch me girl
No one can keep me down
Unbreakable
Unstoppable
Watch me girl
No, you can't bring me down

I see that look in your eyes
You think I want your sympethy - I think you mean sympathy
I see how you patronize
One day you will see

I'm Un-. . .

Breakable
Unshakable
Watch me girl
No one can bring me down
Unbreakable
unstoppable
Watch me girl
No, you can bring me down
- I added a paragraph between this.
One day you'll come back - You mean from the dead?
But the love we had will not be found
Tell the people Mazzi is here! To defend the defenseless! Befriend the friendless! And to defeat...the defeatless!

P.S and to love Lemurs!
  





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114 Reviews


Gender: None specified
Points: 9046
Reviews: 114
Thu Dec 30, 2010 3:39 pm
Razcoon says...



Ashley529 wrote:Unconditionally,
I'll stay here by your side.
That's what you told me
Then, you baried me alive buried

Why did you do it
I thought I was your friend
But I'll get through it
Yes, I will rise again This seems a bit cliche, and 'it' isn't a fantastic noun, I must say.

Because I'm. . .

Unbreakable
Unshakable
Watch me girl So now we know the 'you' is a girl!
No one can keep me down
Unbreakable
Unstoppable
Watch me girl
No, you can't keep me down Once again, just a tad cliche.

Was he worth it?
Does all that money keep you warm?
Take my word for it
He'll leave you in the middle of a stormWere you just looking for something to rhyme with warm? Either change the words or think of something better, because it doesn't flow.

Why did you crush me?
I was your only friend
Oh baby, trust me
I will rise again

Because I am. . .

Unbreakable
Unshakeble unshakable
Watch me girl
No one can keep me down
Unbreakable
Unstoppable
Watch me girl
No, you can't bring me down

I see that look in your eyes
You think I want your sympethy sympathy
I see how you patronize
One day you will see

I'm Un-. . .

Breakable
Unshakable
Watch me girl
No one can bring me down
Unbreakable
unstoppable
Watch me girl
No, you can bring me down
One day you'll come back
But the love we had will not be found


Okay, now for my overall opinion, I think you can be a lot more original. I had a hard time seeing the way the first verse flowed into the chorus, because you seemed to be more solemn, asking 'why' and 'I thought we were friends' all that. Then you're suddenly going from sad and almost whiny to 'I could care less'. It just doesn't work.

The second verse is very bitter. I could see how that would flow into the chorus a little better than the first verse, but it still gives off the impression you care, which counters the chorus.

I'm still not sure what the tone of the song is supposed to be. Is the narrator in denial, but saying otherwise? Does the narrator actually feel 'unbreakable'? Try to work on show not tell, because you aren't SHOWING and real emotion. The tone of the song should be clear through both words and melody, and the verses contradict the chorus, making it slightly unclear. I think you meant to come off completely as 'I could care less'?

One more thing...what exactly happened isn't clear either. They were friends, it said, but then you mentioned a love they shared?

Don't forget you improve with practice. Don't stop writing. Hope I wasn't too harsh!
~Annie
Ideas don't stay in heads very long because they don't like solitary confinement.
  





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Gender: None specified
Points: 1167
Reviews: 14
Thu Dec 30, 2010 4:25 pm
Ashley529 says...



Thank you guys for your usefull comments. Yes I agree with all that's said. Raz, I believe that love and friendship co-exist in a relationship. One holds no water without the other.
  





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16 Reviews


Gender: Female
Points: 240
Reviews: 16
Fri Dec 31, 2010 8:04 am
sherineahmed says...



hi,
first of all i would like to say that the lyrics are full of music,
they flow and fit together. i personally think you should make your song a little bit longer.i get the feeling of anger but i think it would be better if you focused on creating an image for the story of your song to make it stronger and to make the meaning and the events more clear. inspite of the mistakes you did i like your song very much i wish you learn from what i said. i also agree with the others and think that you can benefit from their replys.
good luck great work keep on writing!
  








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