Young Writers Society

lets go out lets go to town
we have so much to see
like the sycamore trees
I want to go on this ride
because i have you by my side

I am so happy
we are getting out
and going all around
Now i want to go downtown

We are together
almost like one
I am so happy
lets soak up the sun
Its all fine

I am so glad I have someone

My impression of this was that the idea was good but it wasent worked out more then 50%. Unless if this was a small poem this was very good but since its in the lyrics section, I reviewt this as a lyric. There isnt much to review here. Please edit and turn this into a song. After you are done PM me and I can check it again with a better review.

I am so happy
we are getting out
and going all around
Now i want to go downtown

On this last line shouldnt you say Now I want to go to downtown.

We are together I really likes this stanza though.
almost like one
I am so happy
lets soak up the sun
Its all fine

Any ways please work on this more. I can see the idea is very good. Just please work on it and it will all go well

Hi there- so, I have to agree. This doesn't feel like a full song. Maybe a bridge or something? I would continue with this one and lengthen it out a bit. Also, I would try extending the vocabulary. In some lines, the wording is very basic and doesn't really convey much. Perhaps add in some more imagery and have a little toss up with your word choice. Overall, though, nice piece.

-Coral-