His Song

I realize in the first verse I say you alot. If you would please throw out some ideas on how I could change it.
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His Song

I never thought i could love a person as much as you.
I don't want to be in this world without you.
I feel so alone and in pain, so please come and kiss the pain away.


chorus you are everything I've ever lived for.
You are the center of my whole world.
I want you home. end chorus

You are my idol, my hero, and my lover.
Our relationship means more to me than anything else in the world.
I feel so alone and in pain without you, so please come and kiss the pain away.

[i]repeat chorus[u]

God only knows what life would be like without you.
Where would we be wothout each other?
Would there be any other girl?
I want you home.

Hey there Archer! June here!


For a first song, you did a great job.

The lines in the first verse seem a little long. I don't suppose that would be much of an issue, but think about singing that in one breath. It might become a little hard, you know. But then again, that all depends on the melody.

For the chorus, try to put a break after your italicized word, okay? .

you are my idle...

Idle should be idol. Idle means to not do anything, be lazy; Idol means something you worship or look up to.

Where would we be wothout each other?

wothout should be without.


So! I think it was fairly decent; the lines in the verses were a bit too long, and the chorus was a bit short. I mean... it's not a problem if you have music playing and it feel up space in between, but it gives the feel that it's a bit rushed.


The ending is kind of... abrupt? "I want you home" kind of confuses us. We don't know much of anything about the situation before this so it kind of leaves us wondering, "Hey, they left home?"

Kind of need a bit to base this upon.


Good job, though, for your first song, it's brilliant.

Keep it up!

I hope i wasn't too harsh


June

Here as requested!

Very good first song, but I would have to admit, this is a tad bit cliche. Perhaps you should give an extra twist, such as talking about the past, or possibly, what the future would have brought.

The first verse was semi good, but you might want to work on the third line. Instead of 'in pain' how about 'hurt'? It makes it sound better and it makes the ending to that line sound like the girl is more desperate.

For the chorus, I suggest that you add at least two or more lines to it. It seems rushed and a tad bit too short.

For the second verse, watch your spelling, and add the same bit for the third line.

I loved the ending, it gave me shivers. This just needs a little bit touching up, and it will be complete


-Prin

This is pretty good, if not a bit cliche.

June (Springrain) has already pointed out spelling errors.

I agree, the ending is a bit abrupt.

Another thing: The word "relationship" seems too long to fit into a song.

"I feel so alone and in pain, so please come and kiss the pain away."

Ech. This line is soooooo uber-cliched. Sorry, but it is.

Saying you a lot is fine in song writing. Listen to the radio; singers throw it out every two seconds.

Good try!

-Sakura

Its ok. Sorry, if I burst your bubble but its really cliche as people have already said but you use the same few words over and over again. For example you use the word "world" in the first 3 verses AND in the chorus.

The lyrics didn't really mean anything to me. Why isn't the guy home? Where is he instead? A lot of times I like to think of music as a form of communication (which it is). You aren't really communicating anything here, just "I love you" and "I want you home". And based on that, I'm still guessing on why he's not home with his gal in the first place.

All in all, it was good for a first song. It has potential, just needs a little more meaning.

I understand. But I'm not that good at it yet. This is only my first song I've ever written. I'm not to concerned about it.

I would be more concerned if I had written more songs, but this is the first whack I've ever taken at writing a song.

Sorry to disappoint anyone!!

The first verse is solid, however I think it could do with some more length. The chorus threw me off because as I read I fell into 'chorus you are everything...' even with it italicized it still falls into the line. The second verse really threw me off, to me it just doesn't sound right the lines seem off tempo and rather erratic in ryhthm, along with 'Relationships' has too many syllables to keep with the rest of the words. The last verse is solid as well, but as with the first verse it could do with a bit more length.

Honestly this is an awesome job for your first lyric (my first was nothing short of a cliche 'I hate you' lyric), but you did an exceptional job. If you do rework this I would go for more of an explanation, though not too in depth of a story I still think it could do really good with more length and some shorter lines in areas. As well maybe come up with some different words to replace some of the one's that you currently use. Either way, all the best and hopefully you continue to tune your writing with the help from this community.