A vulgar display of ignorance

2 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 547
Reviews 8
Hello to anyone reading :)
At the moment I'm on withdrawal from my medication I was put on for 6 months. Unfortunately for me a symptom is Insomnia so I thought since I will just fail to sleep I'll write something.

Hopefully someone relates to this, if not I'll know that my song sucks :)



(Verse 1)
A gothic couple
Hand in hand
A discriminative man picks us out
Out of the crowd
You hate us
Now you want us to pay

(Chorus 1)
The concrete street
I scream as it meets my cheek
Cowardly and hypocritical
You stand above me

(Verse 2)
Adrenaline pumps
I’ve had enough
From horizontal to vertical
I rise now standing
I hate thou
Now look down my gun's barrel

(Build Up)
The cold steel
I smile at the thought of how you must feel
A mortified face
My heart starts to race
I pull the trigger
Now I’m no bigger

(Guitar solo)

(Chorus 2)
The concrete street
No scream as it meets your cheek
Disappointed and hypocritical
I collapse beside thou

(Outro)
My beloved wife
No smile this night
I’ll never be there for you now
Will you still be there for me?
Last edited by deleted15 on Tue Nov 11, 2008 3:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 85
Hello and welcome to YWS. Sorry you're not getting any sleep.

On your song: Well, this was interesting. It kind of reminded me of A Little Piece of Heaven by: Avenged Sevenfold...Very gothic. Some of the things in here didn't really make any sense to me like:

(Verse 2)
Adrenaline pumps
I’ve had enough
From horizontal to vertical
I rise
I hate thou
Now look down thy barrel


???

What does that mean?

All in all, this seemed very original to me; you just need to work on clarifying and maybe making it a bit longer.

Happy writing,

Nariel
It's the very witching time of night.



A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.
— Markus Zusak, The Book Thief