Young Writers Society

i know you're all out there.

well, okay. so i wrote this song for my friend for their birthday and i'd like to sing it to them. i don't want it to suck... so, if you would, please listen to my song and tell me what you think. it's not a very complicated song, hence the title, but well... anyway, thanks!

http://media.putfile.com/orion-simple-teen-love-song


orion (simple teen love song)

do you want me to say goodnight, tonight?
just whisper it in my ear.
do you know how i feel when i smile
just because you're around?

if the rain comes down i'll find the sun.
i'll wait out there for light, for you.

do you want me to say hello?
i just want to make you smile.

tell me: this do you remember that time?
orion's arrow still shines tonight.
it shines tonight.

Pretty! I know if someone sang this to me for my birthday, I'd probably love them forever. Anyways, I'm not really familiar with critting lyrics, so we'll see how this goes.

You're right, it is a simple song, but it fits with the plain acoustic guitar nicely.

You probably want to consider using capitalization; it would clean it up and make it look more like lyrics (as opposed to just a poem).

One line:

tell me: this do you remember that time?

The colon isn't necessary and just confuses the idea.

Good luck with your birthday performance!

That's good! I love it!