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hey music freaks...



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Points: 1078
Reviews: 333
Wed Apr 04, 2007 8:13 am
emotion_less says...



i know you're all out there.

well, okay. so i wrote this song for my friend for their birthday and i'd like to sing it to them. i don't want it to suck... so, if you would, please listen to my song and tell me what you think. it's not a very complicated song, hence the title, but well... anyway, thanks!

http://media.putfile.com/orion-simple-teen-love-song


orion (simple teen love song)

do you want me to say goodnight, tonight?
just whisper it in my ear.
do you know how i feel when i smile
just because you're around?

if the rain comes down i'll find the sun.
i'll wait out there for light, for you.

do you want me to say hello?
i just want to make you smile.

tell me: this do you remember that time?
orion's arrow still shines tonight.
it shines tonight.
  





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Wed Apr 04, 2007 5:39 pm
Skye says...



Pretty! I know if someone sang this to me for my birthday, I'd probably love them forever. :D Anyways, I'm not really familiar with critting lyrics, so we'll see how this goes.

You're right, it is a simple song, but it fits with the plain acoustic guitar nicely.

You probably want to consider using capitalization; it would clean it up and make it look more like lyrics (as opposed to just a poem).

One line:

tell me: this do you remember that time?


The colon isn't necessary and just confuses the idea.

Good luck with your birthday performance! :)
"A poet in love is best encouraged in both capacities or neither." ~ Jane Austen, Emma.
  





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Wed Apr 04, 2007 7:32 pm
Krystalstars says...



That's good! I love it!
God made us Best friends because he knew our moms couldn't handle us as sisters.....
  








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