The Story of an Elevator

The day was kind of blah for me. Just an ordinary field trip, nothing special.
Never mind, that was a lie. It was nothing far from the worst day of my life.


A bad feeling clawed at my inner organs as we, my three rather strange accomplices and myself, waited for the museum's one-and-lonely elevator to arrive on the second of two floors. My claustrophobic senses sent me warnings as Jimmy, my large and boisterous friend, stepped across the threshold into the tiny four-foot by four-foot space. I strode in after Edward and Renee.
This looks crappy, I thought scathingly. Would suck to be stuck in this hell hole.
Dark wood paneling, the bane of my existence, lined the walls, clashing with the chartreuse tile floors and fluorescent lighting. Renee punched her finger once on the "main floor" button and we patiently waited for the elevator to move downward, calmly chatting as Jimmy danced around.
"Umm," I began. "Ya know, you really shouldn't be doing that sort of thing, Jimmy. What if you jumped or something and this thing broke? I'd seriously hate you forever."
Little did I know I had just given him the cue to realize my one worst nightmare.
"Ohhh, you mean like this?" he mocked as he bunny-hopped once. Renee and Edward chided at my seemingly childish fear. But they shut up as the elevator screeched to a slow halt.
"I TOLD YOU!" I gasped through my hysteric screams.
"Okay! Okay. Now just stop freaking out. It'll all be okay," Jimmy tried to calm me.
"I CAN'T! I'M FREAKIN' CLAUSTROPHOBIC!" I revealed in a shrike. Now I do admit, I went over the edge when I started yelling at the lady on the help line.
Ten minutes passed by balled up in a corner, waiting for help. I said almost nothing that didn't have something to do with how scared I was. I started to examine the elevator a bit closer. The tile I mentioned was fairly cheap, kind of rubbery, with scuff marks from the shoes of its previous inhabitants. That ugly wood paneling was really just plastic, which was fairly obvious. I rated it as "cliché".
Voices echoed down the shaft. I heard the low, grunting laughs of male repairman, along with the high octive of our teacher, Ms. Lyons. Thirty more minutes passed by as they struggled to rescue us from the lift, when they finally pried the doors open enough for us to step back to the second floor.
I felt my head take a nervous spin as I gasped for oxygen. Freedom from the enclosed space felt better than anything.

Hey Im twilightgirl, but youcan call me twigirl. I loved your story and couldn't find nothing wrong with it.


I loved it because I could picture everything. You gave good details and you stayed with the story. The part I thought was most descriptive was when you were describing what you sawin the elevator and how she heard the people laughing.

It was good work so you should be happy because I was happyto read it.

If that were me, I would probably pass out. I am the most claustrophobic person on the planet. Next time you see Jimmy, kick him in the shin LOL

I could easily imagine this, because unlike most people trying to describe something, they sound robotic. But yours was great!

I agree completely with huggybear123, a lot of re-tellings like, even in text, include so many teen-created words and phrases like "O-M-G" or "flipping out", even outside of dialogue. Yours actually sounded formal, and after reading the title, that surprised me! :]

Though it may be true Jimmy should be pinched ever so slightly for his wrongdoing, it seems as though this would be a great story to tell at parties, so at least you have that!

It was quite a fun read. Very suspenseful, very descriptive. Keep it up! :]

This is good. I'm not sure how you can describe the wooden paneling as clecha, but that might just be me. Seriously thats such a small nit pick because i can't find anything bigger to complain about, and that doesn't happen often to me.
You could add a bit of exaggeration, because the feelings you were going through in the elevator allow that. You know, describe every sound, if i were in that situation i would have flinched at every movement. Just expand it if you want. BUT it does stand alone as a pece, no changes necessary. It gives a very good idea, and explains what, to some people, is an unrelatable fear, in a way that makes a lot of sense. I really can't talk about fears, i'm terrified of spiders!!! They will kill me one day I am sure!!!
Still, despite my own ramble, great peice, well done! Keep writing!

:star:

Miriam

Hi, I really liked this but I think you could have added more detail and description. Especially when your MC is in the lift and realizing just how claustrophobic she is. Other than that it was really good.
Keep writing, Moonstar x

Hey Caitlin!

I'll be your reviewer this afternoon! Now, for the piece...

The day was kind of blah for me. Just an ordinary field trip, nothing special.

Never mind, that was a lie. It was nothing far from the worst day of my life.

First of all, this is not the best way to catch the readers interest. I'm sure you've heard this before (as we all do...over. And over. And over. ) but it's really important to show rather than tell the reader. When you announce that it was "the worst day of my life" it doesn't make the reader sympathize. Instead give us emotions and memories that show it was the worst day. It is very tempting to "talk" with the reader, but in most cases it's ineffective.

Also, using "blah" as a description kind of threw me off. I think it was to establish the character's tone (you in this case ) but it comes off much like a diary. Though if that's what you were going for, then well done!

A bad feeling clawed at my inner organs as we,

Good description.

my three rather strange accomplices and myself,

This is another place where it would be more effective to show us rather than tell. How are your accomplices strange? Do they wear bizarre clothing? Do they have odd habits? Explain.

...waited for the museum's one-and-lonely elevator to arrive on the second of two floors. My claustrophobic senses sent me warnings as Jimmy, my large and boisterous friend, stepped across the threshold into the tiny four-foot by four-foot space. I strode in after Edward and Renee.

Oddly enough, though I've been telling you to show us more, this is a little too much description all in one place. When there is an adjective or description following each noun it becomes tedious to read and hard to absorb. Sometimes the best thing would be to cut some out. For example: “My claustrophobic sense sent me warnings as Jimmy, my large friend, stepped across the threshold into the tiny space.” See? Much easier to read this way.

Would suck to be stuck in this hell hole.

Fragment. *It* would suck…

Dark wood paneling, the bane of my existence,

*Is confused* I would either expand on this or leave it out.

Dark wood paneling, the bane of my existence, lined the walls, clashing with the chartreuse tile floors and fluorescent lighting.

An easier way to do description like this would be to involve one description with another. For example, “The chartreuse tile on the floor reflected fluorescent lights onto the dark wood paneling that lined the walls.”

Make sense?

Renee punched her finger once on the "main floor" button

No quotes needed unless the button actually said main floor on it.

we patiently waited for the elevator to move downward, calmly chatting as Jimmy danced around.

You already established with “patiently” that you were all “calm” while chatting. Also, the Jimmy dancing part doesn’t really fit in with this sentence. Maybe you could separate it and elaborate? Like, “…we patiently waited for the elevator to move downward while we chatted. In one corner Jimmy did a [descriptive word: frantic, silly, small] dance,[another action: ignoring the rest of us].

"Ya know, you really shouldn't be doing that sort of thing, Jimmy.

Moving? Or dancing? If this is what you specifically said then that’s fine…but it would make more sense to be clearer.

realize my one worst nightmare.

Change realize to something else… Perform, execute, carry out… etc. Realize doesn’t make sense here.

Renee and Edward chided at

You can’t really chide *at* something. It would be “Renee and Edward chided me for my supposedly childish fear.”

"I TOLD YOU!" I gasped through my hysterical screams.

First, caps usually indicate yelling/screaming and you say that you’re gasping. And also, generally caps are frowned upon in writing. Use italics to emphasize!

"Okay! Okay. Now just stop freaking out. It'll all be okay," Jimmy tried to calm me.

From what he’s saying we know he’s trying to calm you. You don’t really need anything there.

"I CAN'T! I'M FREAKIN' CLAUSTROPHOBIC!" I revealed in a shrike.

In a shriek, I think you mean. Also, watch the caps again.

Now I do admit, I went over the edge when I started yelling at the lady on the help line.

Show us when that happens or get rid of this line. When you put in one-liners like this it’s like you’re teasing the reader with a tantalizing story and then not telling us! *frowns disapprovingly*

Ten minutes passed by balled up in a corner, waiting for help.

The minutes passed by waiting for help? I don’t think that’s what you meant. I think you could clarify at bit.

That ugly wood paneling was really just plastic, which was fairly obvious.

Unless you had described the surrounding area or the wood itself in-depth before (which you haven’t so far…) it wouldn’t be obvious to the audience.

I rated it as "cliché".

*Is confused* …why?

the high octave

Spelling!

Thirty more minutes passed by as they struggled to rescue us from the lift, when they finally pried the doors open enough for us to step back to the second floor.

Something here needs to change…it just doesn’t make sense how it is right now…I think the first half of the sentence should be one in itself, but then the second sentence needs to change as well. Maybe you change the first couple words to “Finally they pried the doors..”

I felt my head take a nervous spin as I gasped for oxygen. Freedom from the enclosed space felt better than anything.

Very abrupt ending.

Overall: Cute! Funny story! Your friends sound like people I know… Parts of this need some work grammatically (watch the fragments!) but most of it is very well done.

To keep in mind!:
The readers don’t know you or your friends. We need information! Are you tall, short, blonde, skinny, nasally? We don’t need to know it all (or all at once! Preferably not, actually…) but some description will help us shade in our ideas of the characters. Also, it doesn’t all need to be narrative description. The way the characters talk to each other (we saw some of this) says a lot about their relationships. Give us more interaction!

Showing v. Telling. This is difficult because sometimes telling is necessary…but for the most part, keep to showing. Reader’s don’t like to take the author’s word for it. They want to see the ugliness of the elevator. They want to hear the grinding sound of the elevator.

Great work, Caitlin!
I’d like to see more from you!
-Maggie (Your teammate! )

Sounds like a horrible experiance, glad you got out of it.
This could have easily been described very cliched like, but this feels fresh and unique.
there are a couple of things that can be improved.
It would be good to know the reaction of youre other pears when you get out, and ho they act to your clohtrophbic-ness
add anotherr level to the story by adding another story to the work, like a flash back effect.
you use adjectives very cleverly becauce i can see an image perfectly but you don't use many adjectives.
A really good piece, keep writing.

Vera