[deleted]

2 posts

Was this worth an A+?

  • Yes 75%
  • No No votes
  • I'd say a B... 25%

Total votes: 4

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anti-pop
Gender None specified
Points 1781
Reviews 143
Tue Dec 02, 2008 5:37 am
anti-pop says... · Tue Dec 02, 2008 5:37 am
[not here anymore!]
Last edited by anti-pop on Thu Apr 09, 2009 5:35 pm, edited 5 times in total.
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Michaela16
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 2
Tue Dec 02, 2008 9:13 pm
Michaela16 says... · Tue Dec 02, 2008 9:13 pm
I believe that your essay was very personal and touching to mostly everyone, because we have all felt some sort of scared and loneliness. I think you did a good job however I think that if you can make it flow better it was make it less choppy. For example you ended one of your paragraphs with karate, then open right up into some boy. Maybe if you used more of a description to ease into your relationship with him so it seems more meaningful. Also in the opening paragraph I think you would greatly benefit if you are more decriptive of your emotion sate. If you bring the reader down that sad lonely path you were experiencing, to then bring them back up as you did, it will hold the readers attention better. Therefore making your point stick deeper. Additionally in the conclusion look for a more in depth universal meaning that can touch every kind of reader. In conclusion, great job and keep up the good work!
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2 posts


The bigger the issue, the smaller you write. Remember that. You don’t write about the horrors of war. No. You write about a kid’s burnt socks lying on the road. You pick the smallest manageable part of the big thing, and you work off the resonance.
— Richard Price