Young Writers Society

Prologue
The wind howled and thunder cracked. Lightning lit up the sky in short flashes. The sky was blacker than a shadowy forest at midnight. A thunderous roar echoed across the valley. A scream filled the air only to be cut off abruptly. The sound of tearing flesh and cracking bones could be heard, but only just. A great best unfurled its wing and flew off careeying half its meal with it, blood dripping as it travelled.

Police chief Darwin Lockheary was on his way home when his cell phone rang. “Hello? Yes this is chief Lockheary….. Mmmmm ok ill be right there.” He sighed. Turning his car around Darwin headed towards the new destination. He arrived twenty minutes later. “What seems to….. oh my god what happened?!” The Chief turned a ghastly white as he looked around. Strips of rotting, bloody flesh was hanging from trees. Blood covered the ground, appearing to have been sprayed by a hose. He turned and saw the head of a young male right in front of him. It had clearly been torn off the body. His blue eyes were wide open, filled with a fear that chilled Darwin to the bone.The top part of the head was gone and the brains were grey, worm-like bunched into a ball. As Darwin watched they started to move and he realised with horror that they were worms.

“Chief, you ok? You look a little pale there.” The voice startled him and he turned to see Fey looking at him with concern. “Yeah I’m ok, it’s just really disgusting.” He replied, looking around again. “You don’t see much of this do you?” remarked Fey. “Mmmmmm.... I usually work in the office.” Replied Darwin. He was swaying on his feet. “Come on Id better take you back to headquarters.” Fey said. Without waiting for a reply she took his arm and led him to the car.
From a distance a mysterious man in chain-Mail watched the scene. “Its time”. He whispered. He turned towards the town, and wlked through the forest, vanishing into the night.

Great work so far. Very good desciptions and dialogue. There are a few things I'd like to point out-

“Hello? Yes this is chief Lockheary….. Mmmmm ok ill be right there.” He sighed. Turning his car around Darwin headed towards the new destination. He arrived twenty minutes later. “What seems to….. oh my god what happened?!”

For example, dialogue should be seperated into new paragraphs every time someone talks. As well, I found this rather hard to follow- who sighed? Chief Lockheary or the person on the phone? I am assuming it was the chief but you may want to clarify that- and again, starting a new paragraph every time someone speaks will help with that.

Make sure to end your sentences with commas (or exclamation/question marks, depending on the nature of the sentence) after someone talks. There are a few instances where you end them with periods. And try not to make your sentences too short- they can get rather choppy, as did (or so I find) the first few sentences in the first paragraph.

Other than those minor things, it's great so far! I'll definitely keep up with this.

Hey I thought this was really good. You're talented at writing horror. I wasn't expecting something quite this gruesome, but I liked it x) I think it makes a nice prologue because you left it hanging a bit at the end; I want to find more about what happened here.

Your descriptions were really good for the most part, but there were a few spots that can be rephrased. Take this:

His blue eyes were wide open, filled with a fear that chilled Darwin to the bone.The top part of the head was gone and the brains were grey, worm-like bunched into a ball. As Darwin watched they started to move and he realised with horror that they were worms.

It kind of defeats the purpose of saying the brains looked 'worm-like' when you tell us in the next sentence that there were actually worms in it x). I would change it to something like this:

His blue eyes were wide open, filled with a fear that chilled Darwin to the bone. The top part of the head was gone and the brains were visible. As Darwin watched, he noticed they started to move and realized with horror that they were worms.

Keep writing! If you come out with chapter 1 let me know and I can review for you.
blacksheep

Hey There!

First off I wanted to tell you I love the title. It drew me in, and I had to read it. So that's a really good thing, to be drawn in from the start.

Okay now on to the rest. I think you really have the start of something great here. Just a few spelling mistakes, which I'm sure if you were to read through you would see them. I'll point out anyway though

Shadowwriter1 wrote:Prologue
The wind howled and thunder cracked. Lightning lit up the sky in short flashes. The sky was blacker than a shadowy forest at midnight. A thunderous roar echoed across the valley. A scream filled the air only to be cut off abruptly. The sound of tearing flesh and cracking bones could be heard, but only just. A great best (Beast) unfurled its wing and flew off careeying (carrying) half its meal with it, blood dripping as it travelled. (traveled)


Police chief Darwin Lockheary was on his way home when his cell phone rang. “Hello? Yes this is chief Lockheary….. Mmmmm ok ill be right there.” He sighed. Turning his car around Darwin headed towards the new destination.

He arrived twenty minutes later. “What seems to….. oh my god what happened?!” The Chief turned a ghastly white as he looked around. Strips of rotting, bloody flesh was hanging from trees. Blood covered the ground, appearing to have been sprayed by a hose. He turned and saw the head of a young male right in front of him. It had clearly been torn off the body. His blue eyes were wide open, filled with a fear that chilled Darwin to the bone.The top part of the head was gone and the brains were grey, worm-like bunched into a ball. As Darwin watched they started to move and he realised with horror that they were worms.

“Chief, you ok? You look a little pale there.” The voice startled him and he turned to see Fey looking at him with concern.

“Yeah I’m ok, it’s just really disgusting.” He replied, looking around again.

“You don’t see much of this do you?” remarked Fey.

“Mmmmmm.... I usually work in the office.” Replied Darwin. He was swaying on his feet.

“Come on Id better take you back to headquarters.” Fey said. Without waiting for a reply she took his arm and led him to the car.

From a distance a mysterious man in chain-Mail watched the scene. “Its time”. He whispered. He turned towards the town, and wlked (walked)through the forest, vanishing into the night.

Okay well that's all I can think of spelling wise. I'm no expert on grammar so I won't worry about that.

Overall

This is great so far. I love the suspense of it. I think if you were to continue this, it would become a great book. I would love to see how you further develop you characters, and the plot line. I'm dying to see what this mysterious killer is. One thing about the layout is the spacing. I would put a space after some one talks, like i showed up above. Then you could put in more details of what these characters look like.

But I love this, I hope that you will write more Good luck