My Life As A Teenage Dragon: Chapter One

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Chapter one

Okay guys, please be gentle with my heart. It's still a rough copy, so I am open to suggestions, just, keep it sweet, please :P

We’d just left Chicago after a small snack at a Starbucks with a ridiculously pretty cashier. It was getting really cold outside so everyone was very happy to get inside the heated car.

“Are we there yet?” My sister asked for the trillionth time since we’d left the café…which was like, fifteen seconds ago.
“Amy, dear, I’m really sorry but I think you’re gonna have to read another Angie A. But I’m pretty sure that by the time you’re done reading, we’ll be there.” my father replied. “Alright, but this is the last one I’m reading, for now, I think I’m gonna need some more when we get there.”

Angie Amazing are my sister’s favorite book, and are probably the stupidest piece of literature on the planet. I really can’t think of anything stupider, the lead character is an eight year old girl who keeps going on different adventures with her pet dog. I once saw Amy reading one where both of them go to the moon on a bicycle, on a BYCYCLE! No space suit, no gear, no nothing. I always thought about the time when they run out of air and freeze and die in space, not gonna be so amazing then, huh Angie.

But as she took the book out of her bag, I felt sorry for her, because I knew better. When on a road trip your parents ask you to take a nap, look at stuff outside the window or read a book, they just want you to shut up.
Oh and I almost forgot, before we go any further, I think I should tell you something important about me. This is gonna sound a little weird, but don’t worry, you’ll get used to it.

Sometimes, when stuff happens, the words from a random song related to, you know, the stuff that is happening, just pop into my head. It’s my thing, and when I say ‘thing’, I mean problem, which is also my thing.

I can’t help it, it just happens. I think the first song I ever heard was ‘Rain Drops Keep Fallin’ On My Head’ by B.J. Thomas, and honest to Facebook, the song used to jump into my brain whenever it rained, and whenever I got an A.

Now where was I? Oh yeah, we were moving from Detroit to this mysterious town called daunting creek. I’ve moved a lot since the time I was born. Dad’s a chef, so whenever he gets a good deal with a restaurant or hotel, we move.
My family isn’t actually tired of moving so often. All of us like to travel so dad’s job lets us see a lot of new places.

But I was really young mostly when we moved so you don't get attached to a place that much, all you care about is the fact that you're gonna get an ice cream when you get to the new place.

But I was 15 now, leaving Detroit was hard. It was like I was leaving my hand or my leg or, you get the idea; in the place. I had good friends, a school I was doing pretty well at and lots of pretty girls.

I guess I also liked Detroit because of another reason. I love Eminem. My obsession with his music is just so ridiculous that I don’t even wanna elaborate further on the point.

So an hour after Amy had finished her reading (which was one of the only few peaceful moments we had during the whole journey) we finally saw the first signboard with Daunting Creek on it.

“Daunting Creek fifteen miles, See that guys? We’re almost there. Put your stuff in your backpack Amy.”

There were two things I liked about mom’s words. One, she made Amy put all her stupid, stupid dolls away, second, we were going to be in a place with ‘daunting’ in front of its name in a few minutes.

After about ten minutes, the road turned to pass through a forest way, which added a lot to the coolness. Our car was one of the only few on the road. It was pretty dark inside the forest and the headlights of the cars were about the only source of light.

“Afraid of the dark Amy?” I asked her seeing that she was totally not thrilled on being inside a dark forest.

“Uh! What? Oh…scared, me? C’mon it’s me you’re talking to. Besides, everyone knows that you’re the one who takes a flashlight with you to the refrigerator when it’s broken.”

“I am not afraid of the dark! I just like my workstation well-lit!” And that was true. I’m not afraid of the dark, it’s just that I’ve got a highly creative imagination which doesn’t really help when it’s dark or when I’m alone.

Amy was about say something when dad spoke, “There it is.”

The thinning forest was behind the car and there was an old wooden signboard with the words ‘Welcome to Daunting Creek’ on it. Classic Horror flick entrance.

Amy and I were looking outside the window at the passing city while dad was searching for something in his back pocket. Mom had noticed the same thing that I was thinking about, “I still don’t get why someone would name a town Daunting Creek. This place isn’t spooky at all, it’s sort of nice”

She was right, there weren’t many big stores there, but the simplicity of the place was enough to get my attention, plus, the place was all green. The whole place was surrounded by trees, bushes, flower beds and other plant related words that are not in my vocabulary.

Call me an environment crazy hippie, but I care about the planet I live on.

After driving for about ten minutes, we entered the suburban area. The houses there were pretty cool, or at least that’s what I thought before the real houses came into view.

“Okay kids, close your eyes.” dad told us, a smile as big as Amy’s head all over his lightly bearded face.

“Why do we have to close our eyes?” Amy asked. I was hiding a smile, completely aware where this was going.

“Because I want to show you something really cool.” He answered. “But how are we going see it if our eyes are closed?” she continued.

“Uh…I’ll tell you when to open your eyes” dad hadn’t lost his fortitude at this point.

“But what if you don’t tell us to open our eyes at the right time, and we miss the cool thing”

“No dear, I’m sure I can pull off the timing, just close your eyes.” He still had his patience, although this is where I would’ve lost it.

“I don’t get it. What’s the point in closing our eyes before seeing something cool? We do it all the time!”
This is where he lost it.

“It’s for the effect! For the emphasis! For…for, for the importance of the thing, it’s a measure of its coolness! Now clo -”

“We’re here.” Mom interrupted dad with the magic words in a long whisper, she definitely won the emphasis thing over dad.

“Oh my god!” Amy and I both cried out together after seeing something that didn’t need any emphasis. We’d entered a street which was probably made by god himself…or herself, whatever, I'm not sexist.

Anyway, this is what Clover Avenue looked like -
Huge, beautiful houses, sidewalks with carved designs, a smooth, black road that went through the whole place, another beautiful sidewalk and then green, well kept grass that ran for two or three hundred meters until it touched the tip of the mighty lake Michigan.

We always had really nice places to live, but this time dad overdid himself.

There were some people walking their dogs, jogging or just taking a walk along the lake. We drove along about a dozen of houses that probably belonged to people who kept silk slippers to wear inside the house and ate food that had names I couldn't pronounce.

“Okay, we gotta look for 2112.” Dad said reading out of the paper he took out of his pocket.
We turned into an inner street and the view to the lake was gone, but our house was the second one on the street and the lake was still at walking distance.

It was 04:05 pm when we touched the driveway. The house was average sized but was covered in polished wood and had a very comfy look to it.
“Wow! Can we have a look inside, mom?” Amy asked already half outside the car through the window. “Sure honey.” Mom replied looking out through the window probably looking for the lake. “C’mon Adam, lets pick our rooms!”

Right, as if I was gonna get a choice once Amy picked the better room for herself. “Whatever, let’s go.” I said dragging my backpack out of the car.

We entered the house through a cherry red wooden door and found ourselves in living room which was nothing but a storehouse of cardboard boxes with labels.
I found a box with my name on it and carried it with me after Amy who was already deep inside the house probably looking out of a fine-looking room with big windows that had a clear view to the street and trees.

But when went deeper inside the house I found otherwise. She was standing in narrow hall between two rooms exactly opposite to each other. ‘Which one do you want?” she asked looking up at my face, smiling. “Wha…why…huh?! Is this some kind of a joke?”

“No, it’s just that I feel you’re my big brother and you should at least get the room of your choice for all you’ve done for me.”
She was good, but not good enough for me. “Yeah right, how much did mom give you to let me pick rooms?”

She looked at me for about five seconds with an open mouth then her face was all grins. “The whole cookie-jar, she said I can eat them whenever I want; well except for the time before and after breakfast, lunch and dinner.”

I always knew Amy was one of the stupidest people on the planet, that day I realized she led the list.

“I knew it! Now get out of my way.” She stepped backwards to let me through.
I entered the room on the right first. It wasn’t very big but like the rest of the house it had a comfy feel to it. The wall facing the door had four large windows looking out at the backyard. The single bed was stacked girth wise along the left wall.

It was nice, but something was missing. “Like it?” Amy asked hopefully. “Not so fast,” I replied “let me have a look at the other one.”
I got out of the room and looked inside the next room. It was perfect. It was the exact mirror image of the other room. The thing missing in the first one was the view. The windows looked out at the beautiful street and houses and the room was filled to every spot with light from the setting sun.

“It’s perfect. I’m taking this one.” I said, smiling down at her thwarted little face.
“Whatever, but you can’t have any of my cookies.”

I put my bag on the bed and looked around. I opened the closet and hung my jacket inside it.
“Adam, help me get this stuff out of the car.” I followed dad’s voice outside the house and took one of the two cartons of beer and food he was carrying in his arms.

Mom was taking Amy to the backyard who was probably whining about the room.
“Where do I put it?” I asked him from behind the box. “The kitchen’s right from the living room.” He replied.
“Got it.” I took it inside the house and looked at the right wall of the box- deluged living room where a tiny opening in the wall indicated a kitchen.

I carefully walked between and around the piles of boxes making sure they didn’t fall on me and make me a human tortilla.
After putting the carton down on a shelf I looked out of the window on my right where mom and Amy were looking at some flowers in the backyard.
The backyard was pretty big and had a lot of trees and plants surrounding it. The roofs of the houses around us could barely be seen.

This isn’t so bad, I thought to myself. When we left Detroit, I was sure I’d need something really good to lift my spirits and this place was doing pretty well.

Dad entered the kitchen and put his carton on the shelf. “Beautiful, isn’t it?” he asked looking out of the window.
“Yeah, it is.” I replied. “I’m gonna help your mom make dinner. You can have a look around the place if you want.” Dad said turning to the basin.
“Alright.” I said and walked carefully through the living room out of the house.
I walked to the road and looked towards the lake. It was absolutely gorgeous. The sun seemed to be going right inside it and the water was bright yellow and orange, ish.

There weren't a lot of people out now. I walked towards the lake and sat down on the bright green grass that touched the water. It was amazing, listening to the quite whispers of the lake, looking at the setting sun, not to mention, my butt was very comfortable on the soft grass, it didn't cut into clothes and stab you in the backside when you sat on it, like SOME grasses I knew. Yeah, I'm talking to you, Mindy Jones' front lawn.

I really missed Detroit but if the people here were as beautiful as the place, I could live with it.
I looked around; I was the only person out now. The sun was almost inside the water and the sky was getting bluer by the minute.

I was starting to get up when the water a few yards away from me shook faintly as if something was moving inside it.
I thought it was probably a dolphin or some other king of beautiful water animal that would complete the panorama and stood by the lake to see if it poked its head out of the water.

That was the day I lost my faith in wishful thinking.

Suddenly, the surface of the water burst open like a rocket had just been launched from the inside. For obvious reasons I didn’t run but stayed there to watch what was happening.
Something big and as winged was flying fast into the sky. I craned my neck as far as I could and after some time I had to move on the spot to keep up with the thing.

It flew so fast I couldn’t even see what it was.
Whatever it was, it was flying very fast and…moving, like it was struggling with itself. Then I realized it wasn’t one, but two things flying together and fighting at the same time.

They were too up in the sky now and I could only make out two little boxes fighting with each other. Then one of the two flying things started to fall back towards the lake really fast like the other box had punched it extremely hard.

It fell back into the lake about a hundred yards from me with the same gush of water with which of had flown up. The other thing flew right behind it as it was falling and entered the water with it.
I was standing there on the edge of the lake completely incapable of any movement. A second ago something was flying in front of me at the speed of a jet plane and now everything was still again.

Everything was so still I could hear my heart beating out of my chest. I tried make out a logical explanation for what I had just seen but nothing seemed to work.
It came out of the water. Really big remote control boat?
But it was flying. Really big remote control plane?
But it went back into the water again. A really big remote control boat tied to a really big remote control plane?
But who would play with something so stupid. I would. Arrgghh!!!!!

I couldn’t make any sense of what was going on inside my head. I always thought about how I would react if something out of the ordinary happened to me, now I didn’t know how to.

I went down on all fours at the edge of the lake to look inside the water but it was dark now so all I could see was my scared little mug staring back at me. I leaned down at the lake again to see if I could make out anything else. I stretched my torso as far as I could, then I stretched some more, BIG mistake. My hands slipped on the mud and my upper body was inside the water.

I quickly got out panting and with even wider eyes.
I stood up and looked around me to see if anyone else was standing there with their mouth wide open but I was still the only one out.

That was both good and bad. The good part was no one saw me make a complete idiot out of myself; the bad thing was I didn’t have any witnesses. Now no one would believe that I saw a really big remote control boat tied to a really big remote control plane.

I ran home as fast as I could, half because I was scared, half because the little dip had messed with my head.
I ran to the door, went inside and carefully made my way through the forest of cardboard to the kitchen.
My dad was chopping carrots and mom was taking out broccoli from a carton.
Great, first experience a paranormal event and then eat broccoli for dinner. My favorite combination. This day was starting to get too good to handle.

“Hey buddy. You been running?” if dad hadn’t said this I wouldn’t have realized that I was totally out of breath.
“Why’re you so wet? And covered in mud? Adam, is everything alright?”Mom had turned away from the refrigerator now.

I was thinking hard. Decision time, should I tell them? Or should I just quietly eat my broccoli and sleep it out?
“Uh…yeah. You know, my legs were really stiff from the drive. So I, yeah, yeah I was just running, and…uh, I fell…in, the lake”

Great going brave one, even Angie Amazing had more guts than me.

Mom was looking at me with a really confused expression and dad looked like he was gonna ask me to take medication.
“Ah broccoli, yum! I’ll go clean up.” While scampering for the bathroom I heard mom say something like - “did you and Amy put beer in his soda again?”

I ran inside the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I looked at my reflection in the mirror in the warm yellow light coming from the bulb above it.
My hair was out of place, my shirt was wet and muddy and my mouth was still open. I tried to concentrate on breathing normally because I was still panting.

Okay. It was simple; my brain was still attached to Detroit and was trying to make me go back through crazy hallucinations.
That is one smart brain.
But how could it make my shirt wet, and muddy, unless I had an extraordinarily accelerated sweat rate and, I also secreted mud.
Maybe I dropped a glass of water on myself and then slipped in a mud pool but just didn’t remember.
Then I realized it was lake water, I could smell it. No, I don’t distinctly know the smell of lake water, but I think I would definitely know the smell of normal water. Wait, water doesn’t have a smell, right? Anyway.

Finally, I realized that standing in front of the mirror wouldn’t explain anything so I took my clothes off and went for a shower, not that it would explain anything either but I was all sweaty and drenched in lake water.

It felt so good under the shower and the hot water, as if it was washing off the exhaustion from the drive along with the sweat and muddy water. Since my brain was fresher now I could think straight.
First I put the facts right. I had just witnessed something out of the ordinary, something that defied all logic and reasoning, which meant there was no use thinking of a sane way to explain the incident. In other words, I actually had experienced something paranormal, period.

This also meant that I was now one of those people who claim to have seen extraordinary things but no one believes them because they have no solid evidence, which meant there was no use telling anyone what I had seen.
I would have to live with this burden all my life, and if I was lucky, I would forget all about it one day, if I didn’t I would write book or something about it. Then when I’m old maybe I would star in a paranormal documentary or movie.
Just when I was about to think about the name of the movie, mom knocked on the bathroom door and shouted, “Adam!”

“Yes mom?” I shouted back from the shower.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine…Why?”
“Nothing, it’s just that I figured you would be having a hard time letting go of Detroit, and I thought maybe we could talk or something, if you want.”

If someone needed a live definition for a mother, my mom would’ve been perfect.
She is that perfect mix of love, care, worry, anger, severity and a pinch of mean for flavoring. But it was still hard having a heart-to-heart chat with her by shouting from inside the shower.

“Mom?”
“Yes, jelly doughnut?”

Aw man. That’s because I’m soft and sweet on the outside and crazy and fun inside.

“Please don’t call me that.”
“Okay, sorry. Yes, Adam?”
“Let’s, not talk about that now. We can talk when I come out.”
“Alright, and I’m sorry about the broccoli, we don’t have anything else. I’ll get you and Amy a cheese burger tomorrow.”
“Okay mom. Thanks.”

I didn’t think about my little incident again till I was in bed. “Little incident”, that sounds so much like something dirty.
Ew.
Moving on.

While we ate dinner dad told us about all the different places in Daunting Creek we could go for hiking on Sundays.
That night when I was going to bed mom came in my room.

“Hey.”
“Hey mom. What’s up?”
“Oh, nothing, I just came to say good night.”
“Oh, okay, good night mom.”

She smiled and was about to open the door and leave when she turned back.
“You know Adam, this place isn’t so bad. You’ll make some pretty good friends soon. I heard the school here’s pretty good too. I’m sure you’ll like the place.” Even though I hadn’t said anything about missing Detroit yet, she knew how badly I wanted to go back.

“Is there anything you wanna tell me?”
“No, I’m fine”
“You sure?”

Well, when you come to think of it, there is this one tiny little thing that’s bugging me.

“Yeah, mom. I’m fine. Good night.”
“Good night jelly doughnut.”







Now there ARE some parts that I wanna edit and some that I wanna take out completely, see if you can give me something.
Last edited by mrawesome on Sun Jun 12, 2011 3:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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This is a pretty good story so far! I'm not really good at reviews, but here's a couple things I thought could make it better.
This might just be me, but I thought there might have been a little too much explanation in the beginning. The paragraph especially about the book her sister is reading, I thought wasn't really important. tI went away from the story a little and I got kinda confused.
I liked all the information you gave on the main character, it made him easier to imagine. But maybe instead of telling us what he likes, show us. Like this one part:

I guess I also liked Detroit because of another reason. I love Eminem. My obsession with his music is just so ridiculous that I don’t even wanna elaborate further on the point.


Maybe instead of saying that he likes Eminem, put something like,

Dad turned the radio up, finding his favorite classical station. I sighed, wishing that it could be Eminem.


Something like that. But it's just a suggestion. Do you get what I mean?

I really like this part:

But I was really young mostly when we moved so you don't get attached to a place that much, all you care about is the fact that you're gonna get an ice cream when you get to the new place.


it shows how he felt about moving when he was little, and how his feelings have changed now that he's older. I guess I also feel a connection with him too, because I used to move every year. :D

Overall, I think this story was fun to read! There are a few things maybe you could change that could make it better, but every story has those. Keep writing!
WE ARE DAUGHTERS of our Heavenly Father, who loves us, and we love Him.




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Thanks man!!!!! Those were some really good suggestions, I'm gonna work on that radio thing.
So maybe when the book get's published, you'll be in the acknowledgments ;)




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Hey there mrawesome, back for the first chapter!

“Are we there yet?” My sister asked for the trillionth time since we’d left the café…which was like, fifteen seconds ago.
“Amy, dear, I’m really sorry but I think you’re gonna have to read another Angie A. But I’m pretty sure that by the time you’re done reading, we’ll be there.” my father replied. “Alright, but this is the last one I’m reading, for now, I think I’m gonna need some more when we get there.”


Ok, first off, this should be separated into different dialogue tags each time someone new speaks. Amy, cut. Dad, cut. Amy again, cut. I won't go into detail because this link explains everything quite well. It'll also help you with your dialogue punctuation. There should have been a comma, not a period at 'my father replied'. Check it out, it's great!

Angie Amazing are my sister’s favorite book, and are probably the stupidest piece of literature on the planet

So an hour after Amy had finished her reading (which was one of the only few peaceful moments we had during the whole journey)

One, she made Amy put all her stupid, stupid dolls away, second, we were going to be in a place with ‘daunting’ in front of its name in a few minutes.

Ok, I quoted these because they're bothering me. Oftentimes, you mention how stupid Amy is, and how annoying she and her things are. But only once (are we there yet) do you truly show us why she's annoying. And really, everyone's done it and she's only eight years old. Why is he so annoyed and impatient with her.

This is a good time to give you another link. Show and Tell The concept is simple. Show, don't tell. There are times when you must show us what's going on, with a scene, and not tell us. It'll explain better than I can. My point is, I don't see what's that annoying with Amy and you need to show us more or be annoyed with your MC about his dislike of his sister.




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SOrry, have to do this in two parts: my laptop is having issues...

I can’t help it, it just happens. I think the first song I ever heard was ‘Rain Drops Keep Fallin’ On My Head’ by B.J. Thomas, and honest to Facebook, the song used to jump into my brain whenever it rained, and whenever I got an A.
Song titles, movie and book titles should be in italics :D

“Afraid of the dark Amy?” I asked her seeing that she was totally not thrilled on being inside a dark forest
This is a good example of show, don't tell. How can he see that she's totally not thrilled? Are her eyes wide and afraid? IS she gripping the seat/window/door? Is her breathing shallow? Show us, it'll help!

Now where was I? Oh yeah, we were moving from Detroit to this mysterious town called daunting creek
another show don't tell. Why is the town mysterious? Why does he call it that? Because he's never heard of it? Because of what he's heard? Because for now, it only sounds like he's telling us it's mysterious, and that won't do. let your readers discover that for themselves.

It was amazing, listening to the quite whispers of the lake, looking at the setting sun, not to mention,
quiet

Ok, well, done with the review! This has a lot of potential, but as you said, it's a rough draft. I would work on the detail and description I pointed out, and the dialogue punctuation. Work on showing more, not telling. You'll notice it'll help your story immensely.

Let me know if you have any questions!

Tanya




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Thank you so much. I could feel something was missing, and you've given me the missing ingredients. That show don't tell thing is awesome, and useful. I'm gonna try that formatting thing too.
Thanks.




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I read your title and immediately started grinning. More detail on the "ridiculously pretty cashier." Don't just leave us hanging! Describe her hair, eyes, mouth, body. What is it that makes her so beautiful? Your description of the books his sister reads is excellent, and made me laugh. Watch your grammar however, specifically commas, semicolons, and general sentence setup. "Oh and I almost forgot, before we go any further, I think I should tell you something important about me. This is gonna sound a little weird, but don’t worry, you’ll get used to it." I love that sentence! Funny, and makes the reader want more at the same time. "Sometimes, when stuff happens, the words from a random song related to, you know, the stuff that is happening, just pop into my head. It’s my thing, and when I say ‘thing’, I mean problem, which is also my thing." Okay, getting a little confused here. What's going on? "and honest to Facebook, the song used to jump into my brain whenever it rained, and whenever I got an A." Haha, this is awesome! Honest to facebook is just great! Good job describing why you are moving; details like that are often forgotten by the writer. However is daunting creek is the name of a town, it must be CAPITALIZED. "But I was really young mostly when we moved so you don't get attached to a place that much, all you care about is the fact that you're gonna get an ice cream when you get to the new place." Watch the repetitive language here. TO many gets, and "really young mostly" is kinda redundant, don't you think? Okay, really watch your grammar, and don't use words twice unless it's absolutely necessary and adds to the story (stupid stupid dolls). Trust me, the rest of us know how you must feel about the dolls, two stupids are not required. (:
"plus, the place was all green" is not necessary with the detail you give right after. Remember, show, not tell. "probably looking out of a fine-looking room with big windows" -- a little repetitive. Love how you end with the jelly doughnut thing. Two things I want to say for the overally story: you have detail down really well, however I would suggest looking at this link (http://be003.k12.sd.us/senior%20stuff/s ... erns_1.htm) to help you with varying the way you create your sentences. It will add a lot to your writing. Great start! No matter what people tell you in reviews, just remember that you don't always have to take all of their suggestions, and don't take what they say personally. Keep on writing!
Behind every impossible achievement is a dreamer of impossible dreams.
--Robert Greenleaf




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Thanks for the review! The link was helpful :)
Yeah the grammar needs a little editing no doubt, I'm working on it.

By the way, it says on you badge that you've joined today, there must be something wrong because you look like a pro :)

Anyway, if you ARE new, welcome to YWS, hope you enjoy your stay with us ;) And thanks again, again, thanks, thanks again, oops, I'm repeating again :P



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