Teenagers, Adults, and Children [chapter 1]

hi there this is my first story so I hope you like it.
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Danny and her friends were sitting on her bed staring out the window. It was a beautiful day, The birds were chirping, The leaves had just started to change colors, and The sweet aroma of buttercups and ocean water filled the air, but Danny and her friends swore It was far to hot to ponder outside the air conditioned rooms of her big, white, house.
"I really wish you girls would go outside it's far to beautiful to stay in." Danny's mother said watching the girls stare out the window.
"what are 16 year old girls supposed to do outside on a Saturday morning?" Danny asked shaking her head.
"I'm sure you can figure something out. five beautiful girls like you out to have some brains." Her mother said walking out.
"It's better than staying in all day." The smallest girl, Joy, said in a high voice.

They were all at the kitchen table now, sipping coffee. The order of the girls was how they always sat. Danny, Gabbie, Andy, Fawn, then Joy.
Danny was very tall and tan. she had dark brown hair and milk chocolate eyes. Her body was an hourglass which she strutted as she walked.

Gabbie wasn't as tall as Danny but she was tall and pail. She had long wavy, black curls that went down to her back and glowing green eyes. She was thin and wore her tight cloths proudly.

Andy was average in length. she had medium blond curls and deep blue eyes. She had the body of a dancer.

Fawn was the punker. She was a little shorter than Gabbie and ghost white. she had long black hair with streaks of pink, blue, and purple That made her crimson eye contacts pop. She had rings everywhere.

Nobody knew much about Joy. She had short blond hair with pink streaks. Her eyes were almost solid black, and her bottom lip was strangely fuller than the top.

"I HAVE AN IDEA!" Andy said proudly.
everyone just looked at her tiredly.
"We could start a band!"
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sorry it wasn't that good. I will try and make the next chapter better.

I hope you liked it

nicolerosebieber wrote:______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Danny and her friends were sitting on her bed staring out the window. It was a beautiful day, the birds were chirping, the leaves had just started to change colors, and the sweet aroma of buttercups and ocean watter filled the air, but Danny and her friends swore it was far to hot to ponder-wander? outside the air conditioned rooms of her big, white, house.-run on sentence
"I really wish you girls would go outside it's far to beautiful to stay in." Danny's mother said watching the girls stare out the window.
"What are 16 year old girls supposed to do outside on a Saturday morning?" Danny asked shaking her head.
"I'm sure you can figure something out. Five beautiful girls like you out to have some brains." Her mother said walking out.
"It's better than staying in all day." The smallest girl, Joy, shrieked in a high voice.

They were all at the kitchen table now, sipping coffee. The order of the girls was how they always sat. Danny, Gabbie, Andy, Fawn, then Joy.-you should try rewording that
Danny was around 6'2 and tan. she had strait, long, dark brown hair and milk chocolate eyes. Her body was an hourglass that she modeled when she walked. She was the leader of the pack.

Gabbie was around 5'8 and pail. She had long wavy, black curls that went down to her back and glowing green eyes. Her body was pear shaped and she wore her tight cloths proudly. She was the co-captain. -what do you mean co-captain

Andy was around 5'5 and peach colored. she had medium blond curls which she adored and deep blue eyes. She had the body of a dancer which she used for....other things.

Fawn was the punker. She was around 5'3 and ghost white. she had long black hair with streaks of pink, blue, and purple and crimson eye contacts. She had rings nobody should ever see!-if you use an exclimation mark, you should be clear on the emotion you wan the reader to feel

nicolerosebieber wrote:Joy was the smallest. She was around 4'2 and pinkish,white. She had short blond hair with pink streaks and nearly black eyes. Nobody knew much about her.

"I HAVE AN IDEA!!!!!!!!!!" Andy said proudly.
everyone just looked at her tiredly.
"we could start a band!"

you missed captials and made some spelling mistakes, which I am guilty of doing myself. I feel like it was good but pretty uneventful, which is fine considering it's only the first chapter, but the characters are interesting and you ended with a surprise, leaving the reader guessing, your good at writing, just make sure you edit before you post. Let me know when you get more of the book up!

Hello I'm here to nitpick and stuff. Spelling/grammar corrections in orange.

First off, a tip for posting to YWS: try to seperate all your paragraphs with spaces in between. It makes it easier to read. I'll show you what I mean.

Danny (to each his own, but if "Danny" is short for "Danielle," it should be spelt "Dani.") and her friends were sitting on her bed staring out the window. It was a beautiful day, the birds were chirping, the leaves had just started to change colors, and the sweet aroma of buttercups and ocean water filled the air, but Danny and her friends swore It was far too hot to ponder (this verb doesn't make sense here) outside the air-conditioned rooms of her big, white, house.

"I really wish you girls would go outside. It's far too beautiful to stay in," Danny's mother said, watching the girls stare out the window.

"What are 16 year old girls supposed to do outside on a Saturday morning?" Danny asked, shaking her head.

"I'm sure you can figure something out. Five beautiful girls like you ought to have some brains," her mother said, walking out.

"It's better than staying in all day." the smallest girl, Joy, shrieked (why on Earth did she "shriek"???) in a high voice.

They were all at the kitchen table now (keep everything in past tense), sipping coffee. The order of the girls was how they always sat. Danny, Gabbie, Andy, Fawn, then Joy.

Danny was around 6'2 and tan. She had strait, long, dark brown hair and milk chocolate eyes. Her body was an hourglass that she modeled when she walked. She was the leader of the pack.

Gabbie was around 5'8 and pale. She had long wavy, black curls that went down to her back and glowing green eyes. Her body was pear shaped and she wore her tight cloths proudly. She was the co-captain.

Andy was around 5'5 and peach colored. she had medium blond curls which she adored and deep blue eyes. She had the body of a dancer which she used for....other things.

Fawn was the punker. She was around 5'3 and ghost white. She had long black hair with streaks of pink, blue, and purple and crimson eye contacts. She had rings nobody should ever see!

Joy was the smallest. She was around 4'2 and pinkish,white. she had short blond hair with pink streaks and nearly black eyes. nobody knew much about her.

"I HAVE AN IDEA!!!!!!!!!!" (you shouldn't ever use more than one "!" - especially if you're abusing the caps lock) Andy said proudly. Everyone just looked at her tiredly. "We could start a band!"

So, I have a few comments. First, I'm not a fan of your character descriptions. You should never infodump anything, but you should never ever infodump physical descriptions. It's a huge no-no.

I'll go through them individually, if you don't mind.

Danny was around 6'2 and tan 6'2" is really tall, but I'm sure you know that; what does "tan" mean??? There's so many different shades of skin, and "tan" is purely subjective. she had strait, long, dark brown hair try not to use more than one adjective in a row. just "dark" would've been a lot better and milk chocolate eyes. Her body was an hourglass that she modeled when she walked how do you model your body? you can saunter; you can stride; you can march; you can show off; etc.. She was the leader of the pack Please just cut this completely, because it goes along with the clique-y stereotype that was established, like, 15 years ago. It hardly ever applies in real life.

Gabbie was around 5'8 and pail. You really shouldn't give exact measurements. Try to focus more on something that makes these girls unique; their eyes? Their long legs? Their full lips? Etc. She had long wavy, black curls that went down to her back and glowing green eyes If you just add the "glowing green eyes" at the end, it catches the reader by surprise and forces them to read it again. It's kind of random.. Her body was pear shaped I'm a girl and even I don't know what pear shaped actually looks like. Just say she's "full busted" or "had a round butt" or whatever pear shaped means. and she wore her tight cloths proudly. She was the co-captain.

Andy was around 5'5 and peach colored Aren't all white people "peach colored"?. she had medium Medium colored or length? blond curls which she adored Adding something about her thoughts in the middle of this sentence is unneeded and really random. and deep blue eyes. She had the body of a dancer which she used for....other things You really don't need to talk about her sex life right now; you can integrate it later.

Fawn was the punker Punker? Really? If you want this piece to be timeless (all literature should try to be timeless), you can't use modern-day (or even worse - outdated) idioms. She was around 5'3 and ghost white. she had long black hair with streaks of pink, blue, and purple and crimson eye contacts The way this sentence is worded suggests that her hair has crimson streaks in it and that "eye contacts" as a noun makes the sentence illegitimate, not that she has crimson shaded contacts.. She had rings nobody should ever see! Don't use "!" anywhere except in dialogue. Also, you shouldn't give the narrator opinions; it's supposed to have a voice, but never an opinion

Joy was the smallest You've already mentioned this. She was around 4'2 Do you actually know how tall 4'2" is? That's like how tall an eight year old should be. Sixteen year olds are full grown or very very close to full grown, and 4'8" is the legal midget height. and pinkish,white. she had short blond hair with pink streaks and nearly black eyes. nobody knew much about her This is unnecessary.

If the band goes anywhere, this will turn out to have a Josie and the Pussycats feel, which is cool, as long as it's well-written. I like how all the characters are distinct in their appearance, and I hope they have distinct personalities as the story progresses.

Hopefully, I've given you stuff to chew on; also, I hope I didn't scare you :p If you have any questions, feel free to PM me! Keep writing; that is all.

First off, you have to work on the grammar and stuff a LOT, but that's okay, go through a couple times and you'll get all of that cleaned up. The bigger thing to work on is the actual chapter. For one thing, you really don't need to straight-out tell us everything about them in a list; it doesn't sound natural and it's all stuff that can be introduced naturally with the characters. The best way for us to get to know them, though, is through their dialogue and actions. Also, not much happened in this. They were just sitting around then decided, "Hey, let's start a band!" I think it's a cool idea, but I think it should come across more naturally, and not so fast. Just keep working on it and you could have a nice story.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Nico, I just really want to thank you for listening to emmy's awesome review. You should really thank her for it.

Alright. This WILL be brutal. I'm going to try and hold back but if it gets brutal, just read on. It's not anything against you. It's just this piece could be so much better.

STATEMENT: You let down your last line.

I would say that this was a very awesome last line. And I should warn you to not follow all my instruction to the letter because the reason your last line is good is because it's climatic. It's a higher step and I think that's something I could really learn to do - so thanks.

But that doesn't mean the rest of your story should be so flat. You spent way too long describing the girls and it only really connected at the end because I realized their differences were probably going to be a crux point in the band. And your description were really vague. I think this was the entire downfall of your story.

Description = Emotion. We need to make sure that gets into his head. Nobody has curvy black hair that falls down in curves to make their eyes pop. Instead, they have well-cared for hair that, when combined with their green eyes, would make one think they were a member of Greenpeace.
'Hero! Are you saying you don't get dark-haired, green-eyed people?'
'No. I'm just saying that it is way too formal and matters very little because it doesn't mean much. An expression like Brunette Brain is better than 'she had brown hair'. ALL your description should advance the character. And while I wasn't exactly enthusiastic about Fawn's description, it was by far the best. You have to remember that having 'full lips' doesn't really make much... sense. It's like... okay, Angelina Joelie? I can't say her playing an instrument without now focusing on this glossy, semi-quivering 'full lip'. See what I mean? It's a distraction.

Your dialogue is shaky. But cudos on not having talking heads everywhere. You had few sentences which kept the scenery of boredom. Just make sure that your characters don't say awkward things like telling each other they're beautiful. I understand their mother WOULD say that, but it really feels like you could fall into the trap of having a guy describe his set of drums 'gold circlet that fits over the white sheet. It produces this awesome sound and the drumsticks are made of a wood indigenous to Africa with an inscription in Latin.'

Get what I mean?

I had a nit-pick and that was the first paragraph. There is one full stop. If you have to, write it out in point form of things that happened or descriptions and then merge it into a paragraph.

Otherwise, this was a great story written badly. Try to stop painting and start telling this story like... a campfire, just more formal.

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Anyway, that's me rant right there.

I hope I haven't confused you, just PM me if I have. Enjoy.

I just came across your story and WOW!.(Lml) I loved it but there were some mistakes in grammer and spelling. But other then that it was a good start. Keep up the good work ;D

Hi there

"what are 16 year old girls supposed to do outside on a Saturday morning?" Danny asked shaking her head.

spell out sixteen

Andy was average in length height. she had medium blond curls and deep blue eyes. She had the body of a dancer.

Fawn was the punker. She was a little shorter than Gabbie and ghost white. she had long black hair with streaks of pink, blue, and purple That made her crimson eye contacts pop. She had rings everywhere.

. just rings? Or was she decked out in piercing and studs?

Nobody knew much about Joy don‘t need to know this. You can make it clear through her character that she‘s quiet or shy. It‘s cheating to actually flat out say it. . She had short blond hair with pink streaks. Her eyes were almost solid black, and her bottom lip was strangely fuller than the top.

"I HAVE AN IDEA caps aren‘t necessary!" Andy said proudly.

I see you’ve already gotten great reviews, and you’ve even gone through and edited some of it! It’s awesome that’s you’re taking the criticism well, you know we’re all trying to make this story the best it can possibly be.

You are very thorough with your character descriptions. I think it’s awesome that you have everyone’s personalities and appearances so well thought out, but the way you write it sounds like a police description or something, the way you organized them by height and skin color and whatnot. That’s something you’d write in your notes- ‘Danny- popular, shiny long brown hair, chocolate eyes, mocha skin, tall…’ When incorporating these thoughts into a story, we have to use different methods. ‘Danny spun her head around, her long, shiny brown locks following in a whirlwind’ (I know it’s bad, but you get what I’m saying). The same thing can be used with every character. Instead of saying Fawn was a ‘punker’, which throws her into a very cliché and uninteresting stereotype, say how she would suck on her lip ring moodily, or absently start chipping off her ever-present black nail polish. It adds description in an interesting way, and brings out tons of character.

Besides that, all I have to say is keep reading, and reviewing, and writing. And never give up!

Good luck with your next chapter! If you have any questions, or are looking for someone to review the next chapter, let me know.

Have an awesome day,
blacksheep

I think what you have here is a good start of a chapter, but maybe not a real "chapter" yet. You could have continued to go on after the one girl suggested starting a band. It was still short enough to keep going on. And so I wish you would have! The story sounds sort of cute. Simple. It carries it's own personality already, although you've only just begun. Keep up the good work

thank you for all of the comments and reveiws.