THE THUMB WAS REWRITTEN BEACUSE OF SOME INSTANCES... CHAPTERS PER SE WILL BE POSTED HERE SOON... PLEASE BE INFORMED ON THE FUTURE NOTICE... THANKS
I'll be marking all my corrections/comments in red.Sitting firmly like a Tudor Love this line. I'm guessing you're referring to the Tudors as in King Henry VIII and his family? in his old throne-couch in front of his 21 inch TV watching his favorite TV series, Rey, an eighteen year-oldfearlessshow, don't tell lad wearing his LA Lakers’ jersey, felt contented having himself left in their house without his totalitarian parents and bloody hell brother. Peace washefound. Away from the machine gun-fortified mouth of his mom, the error-finding capacity of his dad and out from his brother who always “set-up” a mistake just to point him and be held responsible for that mistake made by his own brother. I just don't like that sentence. It's a run-on and you're listing the annoying habits in the MC's family members. No wonder he loved to be alone, without them. This is it! The moment I’ve wished for a long long time.
While enjoying the opportunity brought by time, his phone rang and answered:
“Hello? Oh! Hey Joe! What took you so long?... Really? Good job… Where are you now? Okay, I’m coming." He smiled. “Ok ok… Excellent!”
He jumps off from his couch, staggering due to excitement. He then threw the phone to where he sat before, dressed not like then, and went over his car leaving the house unattended. <--- You're stating the obvious in this sentence. I think you can do without it. Maybe add in, "He left the door unlocked." to show that he is overly-confident. Confidence taught him that no one will rob his house, for no one attempts to rob a king’s palace.Definitely.
Driving with his red 2008 Ferrari FXX Evolution furiously with a speed ranging from 150km/h to 200km/h, he passed over a gasoline station, turned left at a garage of his friend, Ron, swiftly turns to the right of an old dilapidated building and finally stopped in front on an oversize Penshoppe billboard.
An elite looking college Rey went off the car bringing two suitcases which he brought with both hands. <--- That sentence is very confusing, maybe change the wording? It took him few steps, just at the back of the billboard, before he reached the warehouse where he spent two years before gaining the divinity he acquired from a person higher than him. Gamma Sigma Brothers. He nodded remembering the past. 'Still the one ', he said to himself.He knocked at a door and left some “gang” code in it.He knocked on the door using a secret code. Few seconds after, someone peeped from inside. “Senior Brother de Pouvoir. I’m glad you’ve visited us!” and the door opened.
From the entrance, their hideout looks like an old warehouse owned by a former Malaysian tycoon; not mentioning the tattered Malaysian flag still being hung since the owner died. Steel was the foundation of the building and its very rusty, a proof that it was owned so many years. No ventilation. No source of air. Just pure four cornered “shoe box”. Isolated from within.
“Where are those people I asked for?” Rey asked them with authority in his voice.
“They're right here boss.” His associate said with a sense of direction. “Follow--”
“But before that, here’s the reward for the good job done.” He handed the suitcases to an armed man hugging a powerful high armed weapon. “That’s more than you asked for.”
“Thanks boss. You’re too kind.” They all smiled.
“Stop those nasty praises. Lead me to them!”
“Right here boss.”
Rey and his men stopped in a door that was rusted by time. “Hand me the key.” Rey ordered as he stood at the door. Quite serious. ANegroUnless race plays a role later in the story, try and keep it out all together. , still one of them, went near to the door and didn’t give thebloodykey but instead opened the door for Rey “Idiot!” Rey shouted in rage. “I said hand me the key, not to open the door, bastard!” He grabbed a knife from his side and swiftly passed to the Negro’s poor neck and was wounded without noticing that the knife was directly coming to him. Everybody was shock and nobody dared to show mercy and doesn’t help their comrade. “That’s how I show love to those people who always disobeying me! Let’s go inside!”
The party now went inside the poorly lit room. Rey’s eyes immediately sensed and glared to the side of the room where he saw clearly, even of in mere darkness, the garbage bags laid on the cold floor. They went nearer. He saw three bags sealed by a packaging tape and bent over.
“Are these--?” He asked and looked to his men standing at his back.
“Yes boss.’ One of his men confirmed.
“Are you all sure?” Still, Rey doubts.
“100% sure.”
Seconds after, Rey grabbed a gun and points to them. His men were in a state of shock-again.'Never mind', he said to himself and puts his gun away.
Reynald Wait, I thought his name was Rey? started to open the garbage bags with his bare hands. Excitement triggers him to do so for he can’t afford to wait for the scissor to come in his hand. His “sharp” fingers tend to be a knife. The pungent odor like of those dead rotten rats filled the place, except for Reynald himself. He gazed with joy and happiness after he opened the bag, smelled the odor and recognize the load inside. Satisfied from what he saw, he stood up and shouted: “Horay! It is over!” satisfaction and never ending happiness covered his face. “Good job people! Well done.”*two thumbs up*
kogarasumaro143 wrote:
Sitting firmly like a Tudor in his old throne-couch in front of his 21 inch TV watching his favorite TV series, Rey, an eighteen year-old fearless lad wearing his LA Lakers jersey, felt contented having himself left in their house without his totalitarian parents and bloody hell brother.I think you should separate it. It's too long, and it could be confusing. Peace washefound. Away from the machine gun-fortified mouth of his mom, the error-finding capacity of his dad and out from his brother who always “set-up” a mistake just to point him and be held responsible for that mistake made by his own brother.parallelism, mate=] No wonder he loved to be alone, without them. This is it! The moment I’ve wished for a long, long time.
While enjoying the opportunity brought by time, his phone rang and he answered:(you could take out the colon)
“Hello? Oh! Hey Joe! What took you so long?... Really? Good job… Where are you now? Okay, I’m coming. “He smiled. “Ok ok… Excellent!”
He jumps(you changed your tenses) off from his couch, staggering due to excitement, he then threw the phone to where he sat before, dressed not like then, and went over his car leaving the house unattended. Confidence taught him that no one will rob his house, for no one attempts to rob a king’s palace. Definitely.
Driving with his red 2008 Ferrari FXX Evolution furiously with a speed about 150km/h to 200km/h, he passed over a gasoline station, turned left at a garage of his friend, Ron, swiftly turns to the right of an old dilapidated building and finally stopped in front on an oversize (Aren't all billboards large?XD) Penshoppe billboard.
An elite looking college Rey went off the car bringing two suitcaseswhich he brought with both hands.It took him few steps, just at the back of the billboard, before he reached the warehouse where he spent two years before gaining the divinity he acquired from a person higher than him. Gamma Sigma Brothers. He nodded remembering the past. Still the one. He said to himself.(If he said it to himself, maybe you wouldn't use italics anymore.)
He knocked at a door and left some “gang” code in it. Few seconds after, someone peeped from inside. “Senior Brother de Pouvoir. I’m glad you’ve visited us!” And the door opened.
From the entrance, their hideout looks like an old warehouse owned by a former Malaysian tycoon; not mentioning the tattered Malaysian flag that stillbeinghung since the owner died. Steel was the foundation of the building and it's very rusty, a proof that it was owned so many years. No ventilation. No source of air. Just pure four cornered “shoe box”. Isolated from within.
“Where are those people I asked for?” Rey asked them with authority in his voice.
“They're right here, boss,”his associate said with a sense of direction. “Follow--”
“But before that, here’s the reward for the good job done.” He handed the suitcases to an armed man hugging a powerful high armed weapon. “That’s more than you asked for.”
“Thanks boss. You’re too kind.” They all smiled.
“Stop those nasty praises. Lead me to them!”
“Right here boss.”
Rey and his men stopped by a door that was rusted by time.(Start a new paragraph)“Hand me the key,” Rey ordered as he stood at the door. Quite serious.A Negro, still one of them, went near to the door and didn’t give thebloody(I find no reason to describe the key as 'bloody, since you didn't write in the first person.)key but instead opened the door for Rey“Idiot!” Rey shouted in rage. “I said hand me the key, nottoopen the door, bastard!” He grabbed a knife from his side and swiftly passed to the Negro’s poor neck and was wounded without noticing that the knife was directly coming to him. (I had to read it this line again. It seemed as if it was Rey who got wounded. Try to state it clearer.)Everybody was shocked and nobody dared to show mercy anddoesn’thelp their comrade. “That’s how I show love to those people who always disobeying me! Let’s go inside!”
The party now went inside the poorly lit room. Rey’s eyes immediately sensed and glared to the side of the room where he saw clearly, even of in mere darkness, the garbage bags laid on the cold floor. They went nearer. Three bags sealed by a packaging tape and he bent over.
“Are these--?” He asked and looked to his men standing at his back.
“Yes boss!" One of his men confirmed.
“Are you all sure?” Still, Rey doubted.
“100% sure!”
Seconds after, Rey grabbed a gun and pointed (the gun, right?)to them. His men were in a state of shock -again. (Haha! They seem like stupid children. LOL)Never mind. He said to himself and puts his gun away.
Reynald started to open the garbage bags with his bare hands. Excitement triggered him to do so for he can’t afford to wait for the scissors to come in his hand. His “sharp” fingers tend to be a knife. The pungent odor like of those dead rotten rats filled the place, except for Reynald himself (?). He gazed with joy and happiness after he opened the bag, smelled the odor and recognized the load inside. Satisfied from what he saw, he stood up and shouted, “Horay! It is over!” Satisfaction and never ending happiness covered his face. “Good job people! Well done.”*two thumbs up*
Sitting firmly like a Tudor in his old throne-couch in front of his 21 inch TV watching his favorite series, Rey, an eighteen year-old marked man, wearing his LA Lakers’ jersey.This sentence gives too much information. I would reword it like this: Sitting firmly like a Tudor in his old throne-couch was eighteen year old Rey, watching the TV.
Away from the machine gun-fortified mouth of his mom, the error-finding capacity of his dad and out from his brother who always “set-up” a mistake just to point him and be held responsible for that mistake made by his own brother.Again, this was another sentence that gives too much information. You could just say: It was a relief to get away from his chatoic family.
“Hello? Oh! Hey Joe! What took you so long?...There should be a comma between Hey and Joe, since Rey is addressing him.
He jumps off from his couch, staggering due to excitement.Jumps should be jumped.
Driving with his red 2008 Ferrari FXX Evolution furiously with a speed ranging from 150km/h to 200km/h, he passed over a gasoline station, turned left at a garage of his friend, Ron, swiftly turns to the right of an old dilapidated building and finally stopped in front on an oversize Penshoppe billboard.All this information is unnecessary.
As the car stopped, Rey went off bringing two suitcases in both hands.I think you could reword this better. Maybe like this: As the car stopped, Rey went off, carrying a suit case in each hand.
Still the one. He said to himself.That period should be a comma and He should be lowercase.
He knocked on the door using a secret code. What's the secret code, or how is it done?
From the entrance, their hideout looks like an old warehouse owned by a former Malaysian tycoon; not mentioning the tattered Malaysian flag still being hung since the owner died.Looks should be looked.
“There right here boss.”His associate said with a sense of direction.Change that period to a comma, and lowercase His. Also you use the wrong there. It should be the contraction They're.
“Hand me the key.” Rey ordered as he stood at the door.That period should be a comma.
He grabbed a knife from his side and swiftly passed to the Negro’s and the poor man's neck was wounded without noticing that the knife was directly coming to him.Maybe it was just me, it really made sense for Rey to act like this. He just doesn't strike me as the kind to lash out that harshly if things don't go his way.
Everybody was shock and nobody dared to show mercy and doesn’t help even a bit for their comrade.Shock should be shocked.
“Are these--?” He asked and looked to his men standing at his back.He should be lowercase.
“Yes boss!’ One of his men confirmed.You need another quotation work, and One should be lowercase.
Still, Rey doubts.Doubts should be doubted.
“100% sure!”When writing fiction or nonfiction, you're supposed to spell out numbers, and symbols(like the % symbol.
Seconds after, Rey grabbed a gun and points to them.Points should be pointed.
i]Never mind[/i]. He said to himself and puts his gun away.That period is supposed to be a comma, and He should be lowercase. Puts should be put.
Excitement triggers him to do so for he can’t afford to wait for the scissor to come in his hand.Triggers should be triggered.
Satisfied from what he saw, he stood up and shouted: “Horay! It is over!” satisfaction and never ending happiness covered his face.That colon isn't needed.
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