"The Best Year" Chapter 1

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Thu Nov 25, 2010 11:26 pm

theangelabove says... · Thu Nov 25, 2010 11:26 pm

"And thats how u multiply a negative times a negative" Mr.Smith utterd. "Are you awake Mrs.Kraft?" "Oh yes sir!" I quickly said before he could catch me sleeping in class. The bell rang. "See you tommrow everyone!" "So Jessica did you get the promblem in class?" Jake said. Jake was my best friend. We have known each other since we were in diapers wich is a little weird if you ask me. He had the prettiest green eyes. It looked like I was staring into a sea of shamrocks.Plus he had an adorable southern accent that got me every time he talked to me. Also this year as freshman's or as seniours call us "freshmeat", we have every class together . We left the classroom. "So how was yur summer?" he asked. "It was ok i guess. You?" "Oh mine was awesome! i got to take a trip to key west, it was really nice." "Thats good, wish i could have went and get out of the house." As Jake told me about his trip to the Keys we headed to the lunch room. "Oh joy, gotta love the food here..." "Yea i know its horrible" he said. We didnt eat. All we did the period was talk and talk, till i heard the lunch doors fly open. As i stare at the most cutest and hottest guy I have ever layed my eyes on, it was the boy I have liked since 7th grade. Tyler Smith. Now i thought to myself this is gonna be the best year.

Last edited by theangelabove on Fri Nov 26, 2010 1:09 am, edited 2 times in total.

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hockeyfan87

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Points 6431

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Fri Nov 26, 2010 12:56 am

hockeyfan87 says... · Fri Nov 26, 2010 12:56 am

theangelabove wrote:"And thats how u#FF0000 ">spell out you multiply a negative times a negative#FF0000 ">comma" Mr.Smith utterd[color=#FF0000 ]Uttered[/color].#FF0000 ">new paragragh "Are u #FF0000 ">spell out youawake Mrs.Kraft#FF0000 ">is she married? If not make it Ms. Kraft?"#FF0000 ">new paragraph "Oh yes sir!" i #FF0000 ">capital Iquickly said before he could catch me sleeping in class. The bell rings#FF0000 ">rang. "See #FF0000 ">spell out youu tommrow#FF0000 ">tomorrow everyone!" #FF0000 ">new paragraph"So Jessica did u #FF0000 ">spell out youget the promblem#FF0000 ">problem in class?" Jake said#FF0000 ">asked not said. Jake was my best friend. We have known each other since we were in diapers wich#FF0000 ">which not wich is a little weird if u#FF0000 ">you ask me. He had the prettiest green eyes. It looked like I was staring into a sea of shamrocks.Plus he had an adorable southern accent that got me every time he talked to me. Also this year as freshman's or as seniours #FF0000 ">seniorscall us "freshmeat", we have every class together #FF0000 ">Get rid of the smily you dont have those in a story . We left the classroom. #FF0000 ">new paragraph"So how was yur#FF0000 ">your summer?" he asked.#FF0000 ">new paragraph "It was ok i guess. y#FF0000 ">capital You?" #FF0000 ">new paragraph"Oh mine was awesome! i#FF0000 ">capital I got to take a trip to key west#FF0000 ">capital K in key and W in west, it was really nice."#FF0000 ">new paragrapph "Thats good, wish i#FF0000 ">capital I could have went and get out of the house :/#FF0000 ">why do you have a smiley face? if you want the MC to make that face say and I said grimacing or smiling NO ONE uses a smiley its childish, stupid, and I am not even going to go into it." As Jake told me about his trip to the Keys we headed to the lunch room. #FF0000 ">new paragraph"Oh joy, gotta love the food here...#FF0000 ">why's there three periods??? I am confused" "Yea#FF0000 ">yeah not yea i#BF0000 ">I not i know its horrible" he said. #FF0000 ">new paragraphWe didnt eat. All we did the period was talk and talk, till#FF0000 ">until not till or if you want to use till its til ONE L i #FF0000 ">I not iheard the lunch doors fly open. As i#FF0000 ">I not i stares at the most cutest #FF0000 ">its cutest not most cutest that sounds like a 1 year oldand hottest guy i #FF0000 ">I not ihave ever layed my eyes on, it was the boy I have liked since 7th grade. #FF0000 ">comma not periodTyler Smith. Now i #FF0000 ">I not ithought to myself this is gonna be the best years #FF0000 ">no smiley faces.

Overall? This is harsh very harsh so be aware.
1. I didn't get the story
2. It was very short and poorly written. really? A 7 year old could do better. No one uses u in a story you spell out the freaken word. The grammar is terrible the writing is ehh and I didnt get the story. I can honestly say unless your next chapter is better written, I doubt people will waste there time editing it, I know I won't. Also, at least make the title correct. Capter? REALLY? Its chapter for god sakes! Also, you please, please don't say u. I felt like I was reading a text not a story. This was terrible and I really was just praying for the end to come. I thought oh this is a short chapter easy to review, but wow I think a first grader could do better. Please re-read before you post. PM me or write on my wall when you review it. Then I'll read it. It has GREAT potenial but I just think the mistakes were simple ones that could be avoided. I can see the comma ones but not the spelling out ones. Sorry to be harsh. Also, the mistakes I pointed out were just the SUPER easy ones to see and spot there are probably more. Sorry to be harsh but someone needed to for you to improve on your story to make it be the best it can be. When it is re-read by you I cant wait to read it I'm sure it'll be great.

Jenn

Last edited by hockeyfan87 on Fri Nov 26, 2010 2:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

when you grow up you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair and isnt wearing a black cape and easy to spot Lots of Love Jenn

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purplepen

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Fri Nov 26, 2010 1:54 am

purplepen says... · Fri Nov 26, 2010 1:54 am

Wow. No offesne, but this was pretty bad. You really need to work on your grammer. It was terrible. First of all, you need to spell out the words correctly. This is not a text message to one of your friends. You also need to put it in the correct format. Technically, it was just one big paraghraph. I also didn't understand the story at all. The plot was unclear, and I was very confused. Your first chapter is supposed to be an attention grabber. It's supposed to make people want to read more. Your story wasn't like that for me. I think you should get one of your friends, or siblings, or a parent/gardian to proof read your next chapter before you post it. Good Luck!

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.
~Joshua 24:15
@(^_^)@<--- This is review monkey. He says hi!

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HialiceHiatus

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Fri Nov 26, 2010 2:01 am

HialiceHiatus says... · Fri Nov 26, 2010 2:01 am

First of all, I agree with the above, If you call it a "story" then you should write it as a "story". Which means type out your words! You're not texting this to your friend, you're writing to be critiqued! Since you have speech, paragraphs and indention is important. Also, this is rather short for a chapter(:

alice.
x.

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rumblythunderxox

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Points 1446

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Fri Nov 26, 2010 2:19 am

rumblythunderxox says... · Fri Nov 26, 2010 2:19 am

Okay, Firstly I am not going to put you down and make you feel crappy about your work. Your young and I wasn't even writing at thirteen so don't give up.
I know some people seem mean when they are reviewing your work, but it's because they are trying to help you. If you want you can send me your work before posting it, and I will edit it for you. I'm not GREAT at it, I have more of a imagination then being good at spelling and grammer but I know the basics.
Write your story and then edit it, thats my best peice of advice.
Don't feel bad about what other people are saying okay!
PM and I will help you!

Write with your heart first
then with your head

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XxMattxX

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Fri Nov 26, 2010 3:07 am

XxMattxX says... · Fri Nov 26, 2010 3:07 am

Whoa, okay, let's try starting with grammar.
Here are a few writing tips, first of all...
1. No chat speak.non. whatsoever. Never in Literature.
2. "I" is ALWAYS capitalized. Always. No matter what.
3. Be sure you plan before you write. Make sure you know more than you need to in order to make your work flow.
4. No smileys.

"And that's how #BF4000 ">you multiply a negative times a negative" Mr.Smith uttered?. "Are #BF4000 ">you awake Mrs.Kraft?" "Oh yes sir!" i quickly said before he could catch me sleeping in class. The bell rings. "See #BF4000 ">you tomorrow everyone!" "So Jessica did #BF4000 ">you get the problem in class?" Jake said. Jake was my best friend. We have known each other since we were in diapers which is a little weird if #BF4000 ">you ask me. He had the prettiest green eyes. It looked like I was staring into a sea of shamrocks.Plus he had an adorable southern accent that got me every time he talked to me. Also this year as freshman's or as seniors call us "fresh-meat", we have every class together . We left the classroom. "So how was your summer?" he asked. "It was OK i guess. you?" "Oh mine was awesome! i got to take a trip to key west, it was really nice." "That's good, wish i could have went and get out of the house :/." As Jake told me about his trip to the Keys we headed to the lunch room. "Oh joy, gotta love the food here..." "Yea i know its horrible" he said. We didn't eat. All we did the period was talk and talk, till i heard the lunch doors fly open. As i stares at the most cutest and hottest guy i have ever laid my eyes on, it was the boy I have liked since 7th grade. Tyler Smith. Now i thought to myself this is gonna be the best years .

Now, let's add some spaces.

"And that's how #BF4000 ">you multiply a negative times a negative" Mr.Smith uttered?.

"Are #BF4000 ">you awake Mrs.Kraft?" "Oh yes sir!" I quickly said before he could catch me sleeping in class. The bell rang.

"See #BF4000 ">you tomorrow everyone!"

"So Jessica did #BF4000 ">you get the problem in class?" Jake said. Jake was my best friend. We have known each other since we were in diapers which is a little weird if #BF4000 ">you ask me. He had the prettiest green eyes. It looked like I was staring into a sea of shamrocks.Plus he had an adorable southern accent that got me every time he talked to me. Also this year as freshman's or as seniors call us "fresh-meat", we have every class together . We left the classroom.

"So how was your summer?" he asked.

"It was OK I guess. you?"

"Oh mine was awesome! I got to take a trip to key west, it was really nice."

"That's good, wish I could have went and get out of the house :/." As Jake told me about his trip to the Keys we headed to the lunch room.

"Oh joy, gotta love the food here..."

"Yea I know its horrible" he said. We didn't eat. All we did the period was talk and talk, till I heard the lunch doors fly open. As I stares at the most cutest and hottest guy I have ever laid my eyes on, it was the boy I have liked since 7th grade. Tyler Smith. Now I thought to myself this is gonna be the best years .

Now it doesn't look so bad.

Now, dissect it line by line, clear up any vague ideas, and add detail.

Solvalery/GeeLyria Fans
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emmylove

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Points 1888

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Sat Nov 27, 2010 1:21 am

emmylove says... · Sat Nov 27, 2010 1:21 am

So, um.

I won't get into the nitty gritty of grammar and spelling, seeing as some of the others have already covered that. I'll help suggest some other things. Here's what I think you need the most:

1.) Descriptions - but not long, boring lists. Where were your characters? What does it look like? What does it smell like? Is it hot/cold in the room? What do the characters look like? (If they're characters you were going to use frequently throughout the book, don't give it all away at once.) Were the people behind the main character/s whispering about something going on between Johnny and Betty, and therefore the main character/s couldn't focus?

Work on that first. After, work on it not being an infodump, since it most likely will be.

2.) Dialogue tags. Pretty self-explanatory. Who's talking? How were they saying it? (Some authors don't like descriptive dialogue tags, but that's up to you. If you choose to use them, don't use adjectives ending in -ly. Try to find words like "droned", "yelled", "growled", "whined", etc.)

3.) Dialogue that makes sense. The way your characters were talking was like "Hey, what's up?" "Not much, you?" "Same." "Okay, later." *yawn* Not only is it boring to read, but it's unimportant to the story. Before you make your characters talk, think What am I going to make them say? Is it legitamitely relevant to the story? Will my readers get bored reading it? Don't worry about getting it the first time, I still have some trouble with this one. But try your darndest the first time, then go through it a few times and fix as much as possible.

I learned from someone that dialogue in books is just like dialogue in real life, only eloquent. Meaning, it's not boring, and they don't use fillers. Absolutely avoid the words (if you can even call them words): er, um, uh, and like (when used in a certain context). Unless you have a legit reason that makes lots of sense, don't use them. Ever.

That is all

We've stayed until the very end.
This is real for us.

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fictionfanatic

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Points 5736

Reviews 84

Sun Nov 28, 2010 10:16 pm

fictionfanatic says... · Sun Nov 28, 2010 10:16 pm

Hey angel! I'm fictionfanatic, and I will be reviewing you today!

Okay, first of all, you need to work on your punctuation and your grammer. It's not the worst I've ever seen, but it's definitely not the best. Make sure to seperate your sentences, use correct capitalization, etc.

Second, this was a little short. Posting these things cost a lot of points, and you don't want to waste them with just a mesely paragraph.

Third, you're kind of grocery listing. In case you son't know what that means, it's when you just say this happened, then that happened, then that happened, so on and so on.

Third, you're kind of jumping around. You need to spend more than one sentence on a topic. Make the readers interested, paint us a picture, make the readers ask you for more!

Overall, this isn't the best piece I've seen (but it most certainly is not the worst(my sisters are dreadful at writing, don't feel bad)). I'm not trying to make you feel bad about yourself and your writing. I think that this piece could possibly have potential if you expanded your idea.

If you ever need help or want someone to read over your stuff, just PM me. I'll be more than happy to help you out.

Live, Love, Laugh

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