Drowning In Sorrow.

I knew the pain was too much; the internal pain that tore at my heart, the feeling of breaking, shattering, clawing at my insides. I knew I could never let go, therefore the pain shall never leave my forever destroyed heart. It is like I am drowning; the sorrow passing over me in waves that are sometimes stronger than another, pulling me under, pushing me down. My only survival is to cling to you, as you are my only hope.

While my tears create oceans and begin flooding rivers, I can feel my sorrow slowly drowning me, drowning me in my own tears. My feeble arms seek the endless salty water, searching for you. The light of my hope flickering until it can no longer stay alight, for I cannot find you. You have left me, left me alone. To think of you while the splinters of my heart long for you, ache for your touch.

I am being pulled under, eternally drowning in my grief as I am wrenched away from all hope, yanked away from what used to be my sole purpose in life. My heart has been tread on and shredded, dumped onto a pathway that leads only to loneliness. Yet I know that if you tried, only you would be able to piece me back together, assemble the puzzle pieces that once belonged to my heart. The pieces that now splinter me with internal pain, puncturing my insides. The pieces of me that you destroyed, and left me to compile.

You are the source, the cause of all my pain, of all my sorrow. It is your fault that when I breathe my lungs are missing something vital, that they don’t feel relief, instead feel pain. My body trembles and warps in an awkward manner, searching for your touch, for the lingering of your fingers in mine. My heart throbs at the thought of you, the pain cocooning me, strangling me.

Even though I know it is your fault I feel this way, I cannot bare to live without you, even when I know I should. The pain that now feels as if lightning has struck has begun to claw out my insides. I know the pain will not leave, I shall only hope for seconds of freedom, seconds of which I shall long for my end. As this pain will never leave, for as long as I remain in love with you, and being in love with you is something I cannot lose.

Hey Georgie I have to say, this looks like a very personal piece, and I don't know how well this would be received on YWS. Fiction/prose like this is better reviewed on DeviantArt. I'm going to review by paragraph, and I'm going to highlight every word that is repeated in a different colour so you can see the repetition. When there are so many words repeated time after time, you have to wonder if this would be better written as lyrics or a poem, or, perhaps the best option, cut down and resized.

On to the review.

Georgiexx wrote:I knew the pain was too much; the internal pain that tore at my heart, the feeling of breaking, shattering, clawing at my insides. I knew I could never let go, therefore the pain shall never leave my forever destroyed heart. It is like I am drowning; the sorrow passing over me in waves that are sometimes stronger than another, pulling me under, pushing me down. My only survival is to cling to you, as you are my only hope.

Yes, I do believe this would be far more successful as a poem.

While my tears create oceans and begin flooding rivers, I can feel my sorrow slowly drowning me, drowning me in my own tears. My feeble arms seek the endless salty water, searching for you. The light of my hope flickering until it can no longer stay alight, for I cannot find you. You have left me, left me alone. To think of you while the splinters of my heart long for you, ache for your touch.

In the first paragraph you've already described drowning in sorrow, and you're repeating it here.

I am being pulled under, eternally drowning in my grief as I am wrenched away from all hope, yanked away from what used to be my sole purpose in life. My heart has been tread on and shredded, dumped onto a pathway that leads only to loneliness. Yet I know that if you tried, only you would be able to piece me back together, assemble the puzzle pieces that once belonged to my heart. The pieces that now splinter me with internal pain, puncturing my insides. The pieces of me that you destroyed, and left me to compile.

I'm not quite sure why you've deviated from the central image of "drowning" to now being torn to pieces. You've described so much of the drowning aspect, that the sudden shift to the "pieces" part doesn't sit very well.

You are the source, the cause of all my pain, of all my sorrow. It is your fault that when I breathe my lungs are missing something vital, that they don’t feel relief, instead feel pain. My body trembles and warps in an awkward manner, searching for your touch, for the lingering of your fingers in mine. My heart throbs at the thought of you, the pain cocooning me, strangling me.

I think the first part would be better as, "... I breathe my lungs are missing something vital, I swallow the torment of your rejection and inhale the fragrance of salty despair..."

Even though I know it is your fault I feel this way, I cannot bare to live without you, even when I know I should. The pain that now feels as if lightning has struck has begun to claw out my insides. I know the pain will not leave, I shall only hope for seconds of freedom, seconds of which I shall long for my end. As this pain will never leave, for as long as I remain in love with you, and being in love with you is something I cannot lose.

I think that if you're going to try and keep this piece, you're going to have to stick to one analogy and focus on making it very good and varied. Your main theme is linking sorrow to drowning. In doing so, you're invoking the power of metaphors and similes, and while you do take advantage of this, I believe you could do so much more with this. You could liken the sadness you feel with the ebbing of the tides; you feel withdrawn when you're not with him, but you feel stretched thin when you are with him, so you can't win. There are just so many different ideas you could link to this story and you haven't thought it through.

So. Yeah.

Hope this helped

- Jai

Hey there! You're my first review on review day! Aren't you lucky.

Anyways, this piece is great. It contains a great amount of imagery, and the words seem to flow together like poetry. Since this does remind me of the way I write, I'm going to help you out as much as possible here. I'm going to start by showing you a few quotes from this that sound a bit choppy and interrupt your flowing piece. I'm also going to quote a few lines that don't make sense to me.

Quotes 'N' Comments

I knew the pain was too much; the internal pain that tore at my heart, the feeling of breaking, shattering, clawing at my insides.

So, the underlined part is what we'll be focusing on. Since you mention three ways your heart is being destroyed, the passion and strong feeling towards this is being taken away. If you take just one of these, like say something clawing at your heart, we readers won't be focusing on all three of these images, but just one really frightening image. Because you mention so many, I'm not completely sure which one to be focusing on. Just pick one, and the strength of your first sentence will definitely reel readers in.

It is like I am drowning; the sorrow passing over me in waves that are sometimes stronger than another, pulling me under, pushing me down.

By saying the sorrow is passing you over means that you aren't being affected by it. It's like the saying 'It just went in one ear or out the other.' You want to say that the sorrow (in the form of waves) are crashing into you like bullets or something. We need to get the feel of how strong these waves are. Some waves are weak, some are strong, so be sure to mention that, also.

Also, waves come in patterns. Every seven waves, there's a giant wave that you can surf or boogie board on (I'm a surfer chick). So after this seventh wave, there's a weak one, and then from there the waves will be getting bigger and stronger. I think that this is one of the coolest things about the ocean because it's hard to understand why each wave is different. I think you should mention something about this in your story. Like how the sorrow comes in weak waves first, but builds up to one wave that completely destroys everything.

My heart has been tread on and shredded, dumped onto a pathway that leads only to loneliness.

This is another one of those where you use too many words and your power is lost. Only pick one of the underlined. I think shredded would be better. It gives great imagery, and it's something you don't hear a lot. I always hear that a heart is being trampled on, but I never hear of it being shredded.

Also, by this point, you talking about your heart being destroyed is getting a little old. We know, by now, that you are destroyed emotionally. You don't have to keep saying. What you should be talking about right now is how you got this way. I think most readers really want you to get to the exciting part by now. We can see your flooded world, now we need to know why it happened.

It is your fault that when I breathe my lungs are missing something vital, that they don’t feel relief, instead feel pain.

You kind of sound primitive in this sentence. Like "me no like bananas." That was a bad example, I hope you're not confused. Anyways, you've gone from heart to lungs. I'm a bit concerned of why the lungs are aching. Is she a cigarette addict or something? I don't understand this. Why would lungs feel relief?

Between the 'instead' and 'feel' you need to insert a 'they'.

My body trembles and warps in an awkward manner, searching for your touch, for the lingering of your fingers in mine.

This is probably the best line in this piece. I found it really beautiful, and thought that I must point it out to you, since I'm pointing out so many negative things!

___

Overall

Alright, so this was pretty cool. It reads like one big poem, and I appreciate this because people have said that my writing style is very poetic. I think you have that writing style, too.

What I don't like about it is that I don't have any idea what this is. I don't think it should be posted on Deviantart like the above said, but I think that you need to figure out what kind of entry this is. You posted it in "General fiction novels." If this is the opening to a novel, great! However I don't see any kind of a plot forming. I think that you might want to break up the lines and turn it into a poem, or put it inside a larger work and add a bit of plot to it. Because I have to admit to you, as a prologue or opening of a novel, this isn't interesting enough. It doesn't give away any awesome part about your character, nor does it introduce some amazing plot twist.

What I mean about not introducing something awesome about your character is that this is all sad. This gives me the picture of a girl laying on her bed and crying to herself, imagining all of these teen angst-like things. What she's saying is beautiful, but as far as plot goes, no one wants to read about a girl who is stuck on her bed dreaming about how bad things are and how good things could be. We want to read about a girl that will make good things happen.

And amazing plot twist? That shouldn't be too hard to create. Just make her being broken up with in the beginning of this, have this passage, and then have the next part about her trying to commit suicide or something. That would definitely reel readers in.

So in all, I found this a very beautiful piece. It need some work, but not too much that you should scrap it. Keep working in it.

Keep writing,

Classy