Lunchtime Demise

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~A short section of the first chapter of my story~

Maya picked at her turkey sandwich while studying for her science test. The test was next period and she was highly unprepared. From across the table Rahm, her best friend, was explaining the different parts of an atom and how they functioned. She sighed and closed her book.

“What was that for?” he asked obviously annoyed with her.

“I thank you for the help, but I just can’t concentrate right now.”
Across the room Jillette was sitting all alone at a large table. Maya waved, hoping to get her old friend’s attention, but Jillette continued eating, unaware of her attempt. Rahm turned in his chair and saw her as well, he sighed.

“Still hasn’t spoken to you?” he asked taking a bite of his apple.

She shook her head. “Has she spoken to you?”

“Of course not. If she had you would have known straight away.”

Maya inhaled and exhaled slowly. “That’s good to know.”

“Something bugging you?” Rahm asked strangely unaware of the problem at hand.

“No. Well, besides the fact that our good friend is no longer speaking to either of us. I thought you’re supposed to be happy after meeting your creator.”

Rahm blinked his eyes rapidly and tucked a tuff of hair behind his ear. “Maya, you didn’t hear?”

Maya was clueless to what he knew that she didn’t. “No. What?”

“She didn’t get to meet him.”

Her mouth fell open and she took another glance in Jillette’s direction but she was gone. Rahm must have been playing a practical joke on her. He liked being funny, although he never was. Of course Jillette had met her creator.

“Her brother didn’t allow it.”

“Her brother?” she said confused. “Emanuel?”

“Yeah, him.”

“But…but, that’s not his decision to make!” Maya said rather loudly to indoor conversation. Her body was shaking slightly with rage.

How dare him! She remembered hanging out at Jillette’s house and her brother always lurking around, wondering what they were up to. She hadn’t seen him in years, not since he graduated the academy.

She wished Jillette was still in the cafeteria. If she were, Maya would run up and hug her former friend. She couldn’t fathom the idea of never meeting her own creator, of never learning who he was, what he was like. She shuddered at the thought of never being eternally happy, like was promised ever since they were young and unaware of the world around them.

Tears graced her cheeks as she thought about her friend. There must be a way she can help, there just has to be.
Yes, I love him. Yes, I can never have him. Yes, I don't care.
Love can't be controlled.




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Hi Mikaylakk25! I think I'll go through and edit some things in red, first.

mikaylakk25 wrote:Maya picked at her turkey sandwich while studying for her science test. The test was next period and she was highly unprepared. From across the table, Rahm, her best friend, was explaining the different parts of an atom and how they functioned. She sighed and closed her book.

“What was that for?” he asked, obviously annoyed with her.

“I thank you for the help, but I just can’t concentrate right now.”


Making dialogue realistic is one of the hardest parts of writing. I would take out the "I" in the previous sentence and just say, "Thank you for the help, but I just can't concentrate right now." I mean, when was the last time you heard someone say, "I thank you," in real life?

Mikaylakk15 wrote:Across the room Jillette was sitting all alone at a large table. Maya waved, hoping to get her old friend’s attention, but Jillette continued eating, unaware of her attempt. Rahm turned in his chair, and saw her as well, and he sighed.

“Still hasn’t spoken to you?” he asked, taking a bite out of his apple.

She shook her head. “Has she spoken to you?”

“Of course not. If she had you would have known straight away.”

Maya inhaled and exhaled slowly. “That’s good to know.”

“Something bugging you?” Rahm asked, strangely unaware of the problem at hand.

“No. Well, besides the fact that our good friend is no longer speaking to either of us. I thought you’re supposed to be happy after meeting your creator.”

Rahm blinked his eyes rapidly and tucked a tuft of hair behind his ear. “Maya, you didn’t hear?”

Maya was clueless as to what he knew that and she didn’t. “No. What?”

“She didn’t get to meet him.”

Her mouth fell open and she took another glance in Jillette’s direction, but she was gone. Rahm must have been playing a practical joke on her. He liked being funny, although he never was. Of course Jillette had met her creator.


When you said, "'I thought you're supposed to be happy after meeting your creator,'" I thought you were referring to Rahm meeting his creator. Perhaps, instead, you could have Maya say, "I thought she was supposed to be happy after meeting her creator." This would clarify a lot. :)

Mikaylakk15 wrote:“Her brother didn’t allow it.”

“Her brother?” she said, confused. “Emanuel?”

“Yeah, him.”

“But…but, that’s not his decision to make!” Maya said rather loudly to for indoor conversation. Her body was shaking slightly with rage.

How dare him he! She remembered hanging out at Jillette’s house and her brother always lurking around, wondering what they were up to. She hadn’t seen him in years, not since he graduated from the academy.

She wished Jillette was still in the cafeteria. If she were, Maya would have run up and hugged her former friend. She couldn’t fathom the idea of never meeting her own creator, of never learning who he was, what he was like. She shuddered at the thought of never being eternally happy, like was promised ever since they were young and unaware of the world around them.

Tears graced her cheeks as she thought about her friend. There must be a way she can help, there just has to be.


I want to read more! Man, what is the deal with the creators? You totally have me hooked. I want to read more! I want to read more! Please let me know when you post more; this was fabulous. I hope you will take into consideration what I have edited, and this should be a spectacular story!

- Abigail




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Thank you so much for the editing. Those little mistakes I must have missed.
I agree with the tip of making the dialogue more realistic and I'll fix it. I also agree with the other tips you gave. Thanks a lot.
Yes, I love him. Yes, I can never have him. Yes, I don't care.
Love can't be controlled.



Follow your inner moonlight; don't hide the madness
— Allen Ginsburg