When Night Falls

~This is my first story ever posted on this site. I'm so excited I can hardly think straight! Please, be harsh. I plan on turning this into a novel and I need all the help I can get. Thank you, enjoy.~

Prologue~

Blood splattered the white marble floor, staining the glossy tiles a dark and bitter red. Tortured screams filled the stale air before dying down into pained moans. Bentley grinned widly from the satisfying reaction and tapped the side of his gun against his hip. Taking a few steps back, he admired his work. Bulls eye. His aim was never best but, this time, he hit the shoulder dead on. An intense amount of pain without actually killing the poor man, the perfect spot for his little game of torture.
The thick red liquid soaked through his victims pinstripe jacket and Bentley shook his head in amusement. Even in the man's dying minutes, Vorex would still look his best. A light chuckle seeped from Bentley's lips as he started to pace. Hollow thuds echoed through the empty living room as he walked slowly around Vorex's shaking body, his footprints leaving red stamps where he ventured.

"It was foolish to believe you could beat me at my own game," Bentley mumbled before landing a swift kick to Vorex's gut. The beaten man added more of his precious bodily fluids to the growing puddle beneath him and groaned heavily at both the pain and the foul taste that was dominating his mouth. His tongue rolled out in an attempt to escape at least a bit of what tasted like horse radish and pickles.

"You w-will not kill me in my own home, you damn devil!" Vorex coughed heavily at his overly stressed words, his throat burned with the burden of actually having to produce excessive sound. If he knew better, he would save what little energy he had left. He'd only a few heartbeats remaining before the poor overworked thing just gave up; only a few more intakes a breath before his lungs decided to quit the fight they knew they would lose anyway. But Vorex didn't know any better. He'd fight until it was just too much for his body to handle. Bentley smiled and landed another blow to Vorex's bloody body, aiming for his shaved head instead of his round belly - which he was sure wore many bruises by now, steel toed boots could do a lot to the human body. The man on the floor screeched and brought trembling hands to his now bleeding scalp. His chest expanded with a painful gasp before settling to its erratic and jagged movements.

"It's such a shame you didn't go off with your wife and son today. This could have been avoided if you wouldn't have stayed home." Bentley shook his head before pulling a white handkerchief out of his jacket pocket and wiping blood and sweat off his brow, only to throw the now dampened material on the lesser man trembling below him. Vorex flinched, not from the cloth settling on his chest, but away from the terrible truth that was lingering in his brain, pounding against the walls of his head and refusing to even let him attempt to forget. The reason he wished would disappear from his memory, if only for a moment just temporary push it aside into the darker parts of his mind. Just for a while. Just until he could get away from this man.

"I wish I could stick around to see their faces when they find you hear on the floor...dead, cold, and mangled!" He punctuated that last word with another bruising kick. "They'll live with the guilt for the rest of their lives. Maybe we shouldn't have left," he mocked in a high and feminine tone. "Maybe daddy would still be alive if we would have stayed home with him. It's all our fault! Our fault!" Bentley erupted with laughter, barely being able to finish his sentence, thus making the last few words sound like incoherent mumble. Vorex ignored the conceited little fucks rant and tried to reach for his gun, which was always on his person. The cold piece of metal was pressing against his hip, just sitting there, waiting for Vorex to reach down, grab it, and end Bentley's annoying chatter for good. If only he could reach it...




This is in no way the end of my prologue. My mom is rushing me off, though, so I need to go. Please review! I need all the help I can get. Please help me better this. Thanks, bye!

ReisePiecey!

Hey. I don't usually review stories and/novels, but here I am. I thought that this was great. It was well written and you left me hanging in suspence. Because of this, you could leave the prologue here, or you could keep going. It's your choice. The only thing I have a problem with, is that there are a few grammatical errors, and in once place you said 'e' where I think you meant to say echo. You should keep writing this, and I will be happy to have a look at it when you do. Keep writing.

Hello, Reise. Loveless here to give this a review.

Blood splattered the white porcelain floor, staining the glossy tiles a dark and bitter red.

This is a nice opening line. Blood splattering tiles, what a nice opening action.

His tongue rolled out in an attempt to escape at least a bit of what tasted like horse radish and pickles.

This is so gross. I like this line anyway.

The reason he wished would disappear from his memory, if only for a moment just temporary push it aside into the darker parts of his mind.

The second part of this does not flow well with the first part.

"I wish I could stick around to see their faces when they find you hear on the floor...dead, cold, and mangled!"

It should be 'here' not 'hear'.



I liked this piece. You had very good description and I actually felt a bit bad for poor Mr. Vorex. You words flow well together and this was a really smooth read. I'll have to make sure to review part two of this when you post it. Good luck!

Loveless~

Blood splattered the white porcelain floor,

Great juxtaposition! Although, I did not know floors were ever made of porcelain...

staining the glossy tiles a dark and bitter red.

This is sort of like stating the obvious. Unless the blood is from, say, an octopus, it is obviously going to be red. And the profuse amounts of adjectives make it seem slightly amateur. You really don't have to listen to me though, because this is a great starting sentence.

Bentley grinned widely

Perhaps change it to "wildly" or a synonym for that.

tapped the end of his gun against his temple.

This is an action that I simply cannot picture a person doing, and I don't know why. It seems out of place. I've grown up handling guns, and on of the rules was never to point the barrel at your own body... Even without considering that, I don't think I've seen anyone ever hit their temple with their own gun, besides in the corny action movies where they are removing the old shell casings that way.. Sorry, I'm digressing...

he admired his art work.

I feel that the "art" is unnecessary.

Bulls eye he thought with a smirk.

Try: Bull's eye. He smirked, *doing some other action*. Or maybe even take out the smirking, cause we kinda already know that he's doing that. Adding thoughts and then saying "he/she thought" has always been particularly clunky to me, and I've been instructed a multitude of times to not partake in that sort of sentence structure.

his little game called of torture.

thick red liquid

Blood.

victim's pinstripesuitjacket

Bentley shook his head in amusement.

This is another action that I cannot picture the guy doing. It's also repetitive. We already know that this guy enjoys killing, there's no need to rub it in our faces.

Even in the man's

Vorex

If this takes place on Earth, in this time period, do not use that name, even as a last name.

A light chuckle seeped from Bentley's lips as he started to pace

.
This is one of the only mentionings of Bentley laughing that I would keep, as it is better written than the others.

the empty living room

Finally, we know where he is. This is an awfully long time for the reader to have no idea where the heck the characters are. You need to mention this earlier.

his footprints leaving red stamps where he ventured.

Why do his feet have blood on them? Maybe write a moment of him stepping close to the body, leaning over it. I dunno.

Now, I feel like Bentley has no motive for killing Vorex. It seemed as though you tried to mention a motive in the end, but it was confusing and I had trouble grasping the situation. I liked how you sort of switched viewpoints, from Bentley to Vorex, but you must remember that this should never be done in the same scene. You are borderlining on a purely omniscient viewpoint, which is one that is distasteful to all editors and most readers. Only have one viewpoint per scene, which means that we only see into one characters head per scene. And back to the motive - Make sure that Bentley is not purely a mindless killing who enjoys killing just for the fun of it. It's the same as having a character who just *loves* being evil. It's cliche and never would occur in real life. Give Bentley a good motive.

But overall, it was well written, and for once I actually want to finish this chapter. Which is rare for pieces I find on this website.

Oh, and why not make this a chapter one? Prologues are annoying and overused nowadays.

Check out my recent work, PM, or whatever.
Lena

Hello there!


Here as requested.


First of all, I just wanted to say that your avatar's cool. Jeremy Sumpter? gah!


Okay, as for the review...


I honestly don't have to say much because Lena has pretty much covered some nitpicks and comments that I was about to say and I don't want to repeat it again. As far as I could see, this is pretty a good start. Though I just want to suggest that you emphasize more of Vorex-Bentley relationship here. Even just a slight of information about them would support already the prologue. It's because this seems lacking. First is your setting; where are they specifically? Is it nighttime or daytime when the killing occurred? Who's with them? Are they the only one in that room? You see, these things are vital especially in a prologue. They help the readers to understand more of the story and it'll help them be intrigue to know what really is going on. If so, more readers will likely read the upcoming chapter of this story.


Let's go at the good things. I like how you do the 'show don't tell' technique. It's really good and quite impressive to my part, as a reader. Your spellings are good as with your tenses too. As with the flow, I think there are no awkward sentences that interrupted me or anything. I also like the concept behind this but you might want to spice it up. It almost sounds too cliche', especially when you make the killing scene your prologue. So just suggest that you rephrase this a little bit and taking your reviewer's suggesting into an account or something.

All in all, I thank you for the good read. Though I could sense that you have much more up to your sleeves than what you're offering right here; this has a potential to be very good. However, I feel like there's a bit lacking at the ending part. I don't know why, haha. This are all based entirely on my opinion so PM me for questions and hope I helped.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri

ReisePiecey wrote:~This is my first story ever posted on this site. I'm so excited I can hardly think straight! Please, be harsh. I plan on turning this into a novel and I need all the help I can get. Thank you, enjoy.~

Prologue~

Blood splattered the white marble floor, staining the glossy tiles a dark and bitter red. Tortured screams filled the stale air before dying down into pained moans. Bentley grinned widly from the satisfying reaction and tapped the side of his gun against his hip. Taking a few steps back, he admired his work. Bulls eye. His aim was never best but, this time, he hit the shoulder dead on. An intense amount of pain without actually killing the poor man, the perfect spot for his little game of torture.
The thick red liquid soaked through his victims pinstripe jacket and Bentley shook his head in amusement. Even in the man's dying minutes, Vorex would still look his best. A light chuckle seeped from Bentley's lips as he started to pace. Hollow thuds echoed through the empty living room as he walked slowly around Vorex's shaking body, his footprints leaving red stamps where he ventured.

"It was foolish to believe you could beat me at my own game," Bentley mumbled before landing a swift kick to Vorex's gut. The beaten man added more of his precious bodily fluids to the growing puddle beneath him and groaned heavily at both the pain and the foul taste that was dominating his mouth. His tongue rolled out in an attempt to escape at least a bit of what tasted like horse radish and pickles.

"You w-will not kill me in my own home, you damn devil!" Vorex coughed heavily at his overly stressed words, his throat burned with the burden of actually having to produce excessive sound. If he knew better, he would save what little energy he had left. He'd only a few heartbeats remaining before the poor overworked thing just gave up; only a few more intakes a breath before his lungs decided to quit the fight they knew they would lose anyway. But Vorex didn't know any better. He'd fight until it was just too much for his body to handle. Bentley smiled and landed another blow to Vorex's bloody body, aiming for his shaved head instead of his round belly - which he was sure wore many bruises by now, steel toed boots could do a lot to the human body. The man on the floor screeched and brought trembling hands to his now bleeding scalp. His chest expanded with a painful gasp before settling to its erratic and jagged movements.

"It's such a shame you didn't go off with your wife and son today. This could have been avoided if you wouldn't have stayed home." Bentley shook his head before pulling a white handkerchief out of his jacket pocket and wiping blood and sweat off his brow, only to throw the now dampened material on the lesser man trembling below him. Vorex flinched, not from the cloth settling on his chest, but away from the terrible truth that was lingering in his brain, pounding against the walls of his head and refusing to even let him attempt to forget. The reason he wished would disappear from his memory, if only for a moment just temporary push it aside into the darker parts of his mind. Just for a while. Just until he could get away from this man.

"I wish I could stick around to see their faces when they find you hear on the floor...dead, cold, and mangled!" He punctuated that last word with another bruising kick. "They'll live with the guilt for the rest of their lives. Maybe we shouldn't have left," he mocked in a high and feminine tone. "Maybe daddy would still be alive if we would have stayed home with him. It's all our fault! Our fault!" Bentley erupted with laughter, barely being able to finish his sentence, thus making the last few words sound like incoherent mumble. Vorex ignored the conceited little fucks rant and tried to reach for his gun, which was always on his person. The cold piece of metal was pressing against his hip, just sitting there, waiting for Vorex to reach down, grab it, and end Bentley's annoying chatter for good. If only he could reach it...




This is in no way the end of my prologue. My mom is rushing me off, though, so I need to go. Please review! I need all the help I can get. Please help me better this. Thanks, bye!

ReisePiecey!

i see no gramatical errors in the piece and i enjoyed reading it well done <3

I think you’re very good at descriptions but seem to overuse them a bit. It felt like you’d go back and forth like ‘there was blood all over the floor’, ‘Bently grinned wickedly’, ‘Vorex coughed up more blood’, ‘Bently laughed at his pain’. I think it would help with this first chapter to add a bit more depth to the characters and have them arguing. I’m sure Vorex knew why Bently came to kill him, and I’m sure Bently would feel satisfied if he could aim a few verbal blows at the man he just murdered. That would keep it interesting since you’d be pouring out bits and pieces of information, and at the end of the chapter, we’d feel a little less lost. Overall, this was a good job, but I think you could still do better. If you’ve got questions or need any help, feel free to PM me anytime.

Hello there,
It's Fiction here for your review. I think people already covered all the grammatical errors so I will just give you my opinion. At first I thought it was rather macabre but, as I read farther into the story I discovered how much I liked it. Your descriptions were brilliant.

Blood splattered the white marble floor, staining the glossy tiles a dark and bitter red. Tortured screams filled the stale air before dying down into pained moans.

aiming for his shaved head instead of his round belly - which he was sure wore many bruises by now, steel toed boots could do a lot to the human body. The man on the floor screeched and brought trembling hands to his now bleeding scalp. His chest expanded with a painful gasp before settling to its erratic and jagged movements.

I think that you did an awesome job on your prologue and I am looking forward to reading more.
Please pm me when you post new chapters.

I like this a lot, seriously. It catches the reader’s eye well. I love villains, and Bentley may just become my new love in life. I like his ruthlessness, and how callous he is. I hope we get more details on why he is the way he is. But I love this a lot, it really sounds like a novel you’d see in a library or bookstore, good job. I hope to see more development in the next section, because it sounds like this was a little personal? Maybe? Keep up the great work.

Wheadee