A Criminal's Heart- Chapter-8

Hey all there who are just about to read my novel. I have been thinking a lot about this project and I think that it's not at all good and I feel like ripping it into pieces, but I am going to make it better, I swear. I have also thought about turning my prologue into chapter-1 as it hardly seems a prologue. What you all say?
Also, would you mind suggesting ideas for the title as this one is sooo.... boring.

Here's the grill:

CHAPTER-8 (OLIVIA)
26th June
09:02 AM

The tires of my Prius screeched as I shoved my foot on the brakes. I fell forward as my head banged against the steering wheel. It hurt very much, but I had no time to nurse it now. I needed to see the person who had caused this entire ruckus. I raised my head and darted my glance ahead. The sun shone brightly and my eyes couldn’t stop themselves from closing its shutters. Why the hell you didn’t carry your shades? I cursed myself, as I put my left hand up so it could block some rays.
An old lady with her walking stick was crossing the street right in front of my car. I could tell the lady with the hunched back was only an inch away from my car. Surprisingly, although she looked in her seventies, she wore no spectacles. How does it matter? She still didn't even see the car coming. She must have forgotten her specks at her home, I thought.
The lady, lost in her dream land, for the first time made eye contact with me. Her hazel eyes were piercing into my very soul and made me shiver. She narrowed her eyebrows and scrutinized me. The shrewd look she held for one instance made me close my eyes. I thought that this would all go away if I closed them, but when I opened them after some time, she was still there. I swallowed hard and rubbed my eyes. Black dots started appearing in front of my eyes and I lost the power to visualise. Every scene passed in front of my eyes as a slideshow. The old woman coming on the street out of nowhere, my foot on the brakes, the bump on my forehead and then her hazel eyes. Whatever I saw, was it the truth? Please someone tell me that it was a reverie. It is just a silly dream, I consoled myself but in vain. My heart pumped frantically and sweat started falling down my visage even when the air-conditioning was working. I opened my eyes to find that the lady was gone.
Even though my mind told me not to, I followed my heart and stepped out of my baby. The sun looked as if it was blowing hot winds on me purposely, to make this situation even worse. My heels clanked against the road as I walked around my car trying to find the old woman. But she was nowhere to be found. Just thinking about her made my head dizzy.
Her hazel eyes, her roman nose, those perfectly shaped lips and that cunning look in her eyes just reminded me of one person...of Amanda. But how is that possible? I asked myself. I slapped my head so that it could get rubbish out of it but it refused to move it even an inch.

Maybe I was just hallucinating or for real her ghost had come back for revenge.

Continued...

I slipped into my Prius and allowed myself to take in a couple of deep breaths. This murder business wasn't at all what I had planned. New complications had arisen. I touched a manicured finger to my forehead and tried to smooth out the worry lines that had started appearing. This whole mess was doing horrors to my complexion. I took out a cigarette from the packet kept on the dash board and lit the lighter. I started inhaling the warm breath it released, and took it out of my mouth after some seconds, keeping it close to my mouth. Warm breaths started spreading out everywere in form of smoke.

I started thinking about a spa visit. How good would that do to my body, who has lately endured so much of pain and exhaustion, I thought.

"Spas are not for bitches. Maybe you should leave all the spas and beauty to me... it suits me." A voice from my right sent shivers down my spine as I slowly turned my head to face the owner of the voice. Sitting right there was none other than the figure of evil, the owner of the hazel eyes... Amanda Bailey. She sat with her hands resting on her lap.She wasn't the ugly old woman I had seen some time ago, but her real self.

"What are you doing here. And bitch? Me? Naa, I don't think so," I mocked her. "It is you who's a bi-" I was cut off in between by my ex-best friend.

"Don't you dare let that word come to your lip! Your stupid lips, ugly lips." She snapped at me. Blood rushed through my heart spreading into all the parts of body like a fire. My first instance was to slap her hard, but then I didn't want to spoil the manicure.

"You know what? Had you not been such a bitch, you would have been alive. But you can't-"

"I am not alive because you have always been jealous of me, of my success. You might become famous, but remember one thing... you would remain a thief," she accused me.

"And hows that?" I asked her.

"You stole my dreams, my life and my world." She broke into sobs.

"You stole my chance," I said but before I could complete my sentence, she disappeared in the air. What was earlier her figure just reduced to mere smoke. I coughed and kept a hand to block the unhealthy air from entering my lung system.

This second encounter with Amanda had made my heart a bit lighter. Now instead of being frightened, I had confronted her with all the confidence I had burried somewhere in my heart for so long now. This definitely made me feel better. A smile lit up my face.

9:19 AM(Don't review it now, its no complete)
My heart sank down each passing second as Chief Kerr glared at me with his those two little round suspicious eyes, trying to find something wrong in me. Oh God, this story is not that unbelievable. I mean everything's the truth. But I know that he didn't kill Amanda, I wondered to myself. He narrowed his eyebrows, took a deep breath and then turned around to face his assistant. Chief Russo, also known to me as Chloe, stood there writing down the information I gave them on a small pad. Once in a while she would look at me and nod so that I could carry on without any hesitation.

"So you say that Amanda had been followed by this guy called Ron two months ago?" He said, with his arms wrapping his waist, if I could call it so. His round belly and mustache reminded me of Inspector Plod from the Noddy series. How much I had enjoyed watching it with my...

"Exactly. He had been following her on every occasion from the five-star parties to the outdoor shoots for a month, at least." I narrated him the events.


Thanks a lot for any reviews!

Hey,
Here as you asked . It was really short to be a chapter, but once again it's not being seperated in to a story form. For example:

Here is paragraph one and I am just going to keep typing so you get the illusion of a paragraph but it's not going to make any sense and it will have no grammar at. Hehehehe. So any way I keep typing up my paragraph one then I switch to paragh two.

As you see my paragraph two is not connected to paragraph one. There is a space between the two paragraphs. Since this is suppose to look like a paragraph Ill keep typing hehehehe. So on and so forth.

If you have any questions about that Please PM me and let me know.

on to your review:

The tyres of my Prius screeched as I shoved my foot on the brakes.

tires. I'm sure this is just a typo, but when you proof read your work you should catch little mistakes like this.

I fell forward and had my head banged against the steering wheel.

I think this would read better if it was structured this way: I fell forwardas my head banged against the steering wheel.

It pained very much, but I had no time to nurse it now.

This is a very unique way to say that it hurted alot and you had no time to aid to it, that first part doesn't seem to sound right to me, but mybe that's just me. maybe you could play with the wording of this sentence.

I had to see the person who had caused this entire ruckus.

The repition of the helping verb had seems to jumble this sentence, maybe change the first had to I needed to see the person...

The sun shone brightly and my eyes couldn’t stop themselves from closing its shutters.

There needs to be a comma after brightly. Also this last part: from closing it's shutters. Do you mean your eyelids? if so this doesn't seem to fit. Try working with that as well.

Why the hell you didn’t carry your shades?

once again I am sure this is a typo but you switched the words didn't and you. While proof reading your work you should catch little mistakes like this that don't sound right.

I cursed myself, as I put my left hand so it could block some rays.

Proof reading is really a wqonderful thing i put my left hand up so it could block some rays.

Surprisingly, although she looked in her seventies, she wore no spectacles.

Not all elderly people wear glasses, but this was a good shot at some description which seems to be lacking in this chapter.

She still even didn’t see the car coming.

Another proof reading mistake I think you switched the words even and didnt around

The lady, lost in her dream land, for the first time made an eye contact with me.

This may seem nit picky but i dont think you need an after made

Her hazel eyes were piercing into my very soul and made me shiver.

Yay! Some description

The shrewd look she had for one instance made me close my eyes.

I think Held would be a better word to use instead of had

Some black dots started appearing in front of my eyes and I lost the power to visualise anymore.

You don't need Some at the beginning and you don't need anymore at the ending. Also you need a comma after eyes

The old woman coming on the street out of nowhere, my foot on the brakes, the bump on my forehead and then her hazel eyes.

It's hard to tell if this is a run-on sentence or an in complete sentence, either way I think you should work on this a little more. Maybe instead of commas you could put periods.

Was whatever I saw the truth?

this was a little hard to read and interupted the flow of the story maybe you should re-word it like this: Whatever I saw, was it the truth?

It is just a silly dream, I consoled myself but in vain.

Instead of a comma you need a semi-colon (;)

Even though my mind told me not to I followed my heart and stepped out of my baby.

You need a comma after not to. Also do you mean you stepped out of your car? Because at first I thought you just mispelled body, but that doesn't make much sense.

My heels clanked against the road as I walked around my car trying to find the old woman whom I had just seen now.

you had just seen her, but it wasn't now, so I suggest fixing the ending of this sentence.

But She was no where to be found.

Never ever start a sentence with the contractions: And, but, so, or & because. It shows you readers that the following is an incomplete sentence. In this case it can be eliminated

ButHow is that possible?

Once again I think it can be just eliminated in this case.

I slapped my head so that it could get out rubbish out of it but it refused to move it even an inch.

This is very hard to read and it interupts the flow of the story, I suggest rewording it.

Overall: It was quite confusing to read. Did she hit the old lady crossing the street? Was she on her brakes as she looked at the woman and held a long gaze. or was the first part a flashback type thing. I do like the cliffhanger at the end. also any rewordings I did on my own were just suggestions and you don't have to use them. They're just examples. PM when you need another review

Have a great day,
Tiffany

Hello, haven't been on here in a while, but I'd be glad to give you a review! But before I start your story, I'll give you my opinion on the whole prologue thing. I agree, that yes, your prologue could be chapter one. Unless you have important information that you can't convey in the story, then you can just cut out the prologue entirely.

About your title: I'm helpless when it comes to that. My suggestion would be to wait until your novel is complete and then go back and try to name it. Like maybe you could look for the theme of your book and base the title off of that. Or you could use symbolism. I guess it just depends on what effect you want. Now, onto your story!

I'm not going to do a line-by-line critique, because I'm short on time, but I will give you my overall opinions. I saw a few grammar/usage mistakes here and there, but I think if you really comb through it, you'll find them. Also, something has changed about Olivia. In your previous chapters, she seems sassy and maybe a little bit stuck up. Here, in some parts, she seems completely different. Like here: It is just a silly dream, I consoled myself but in vain. And here: Please someone tell me that it was a reverie.

To me, those phrases just don't seem to fit Olivia. So, my suggestion would be to really, really, really start developing your characters. Each one of your characters should have distinct ways of reacting to different situations. Plus, you need to keep their personalities consistent throughout your entire novel. For example, if you have Olivia talk in a certain way and if she has certain personality traits, you need to keep those the same throughout your novel. Of course, she will be changing slightly. She'll probably be starting to panic a little and start having hallucinations of the woman she murdered. And that's good. But, you have to keep her personality the same.

I really liked how you ended this part. It had a great ring to it. I hope I helped and I apologize if I confused you. If you need any clarifying on anything, just send me a message. I'm glad you've decided to finish this and I hope you do, because it has a lot of potential to be a great crime story.

Embee

Hello there, Shubhi!

Here as requested.

First of all, you might some see a part of my review repeated, it's because I haven't read everything that the readers above me stated.

I can (could?))say the lady with the hunched back was only an inch away from my car.

It is just a silly dream,(This would give a good effect if you italicize the first one) I consoled myself but in vain.

But she was no where nowhere? to be found.

I slapped my head so that it could get out rubbish out of it but it refused to move it even an inch.

I don't quite understand this statement. And you used 'out' twice so that what it makes more confusing.

The lady, lost in her dream land, for the first time made eye contact with me. Her hazel eyes were piercing into my very soul and made me shiver. She narrowed her eyebrows and scrutinized me. The shrewd look she held for one instance made me close my eyes. I thought that this would all go away if I closed my eyes, but when I opened them after some time, she was still there. I swallowed hard and rubbed my eyes. Black dots started appearing in front of my eyes and I lost the power to visualise. Every scene passed in front of my eyes as a slideshow. The old woman coming on the street out of nowhere, my foot on the brakes, the bump on my forehead and then her hazel eyes.

I'm going to be nitpicking this one a bit. It's just because there are somethings here, that annoys me a little (sorry). How you used 'my eyes', seemed to repeat over and over in this paragraph. Every line I think, contained 'my eyes'. I prefer you will have to rephrase that or you can make it into a smaller paragraph and just try to shorten things a bit.



Good things. Your grammar has very much much improved and your spellings are flawless. So you should be really happy for that. Your tenses are good. I like how you kept this short but I would really like to see this with more descriptions though. I think you also need some emotions to flow with the pacing of your story. The flow's good too. Also, I want to say that, when a new matter is being talked about already, you have to make a new paragraph. It's because I think you need to chop your paragraphs into pieces so it would look good and easy to read. (though I'm not referring to the whole story plot).


As with your characters, they are really realistic. It also what makes this interesting not just the whole plot idea of this. You really left the old woman with mystery, I like it how you do things like that. And again, it makes me feel intrigued after all.

Overall, I really like this! PM me for questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri

Cheers!

So there it goes as asked =) I haven't read the previous chapters, so I'll do the role of a reader that grabbed a book and just to see if it's worth reading or not picked a random chapter to check.

I won't cover grammar here as it's been already covered, but I'll say that I seriously disliked the pained part.

It pained very much, but I had no time to nurse it now.

I haven't heard even one american or british person say : it pained. They'd usually say : It hurt. Or in this case, you could write : It was very painful. But no : pained very much. It just looks and sounds messed up, no offense, but it really does ( for me ).

I believe English is not your mother language, but you pulled it off really well. I had no problems following the text, I was quite satisfied with descriptions. All in all, it was written well and to be honest, story-wise I was a bit pulled in, thus I'd willingly read more to find out more. The only main problem would be some grammar mistakes, which thankfully Rascalover already covered =)

I have no knowledge of previous chapters, but what Embee wrote feels quite knowledgeable and true, so I'd stick with it.

As about the ending itself, you ended it well =) No nit picks there.

Oh and about the title, I don't think I'd really help much, but when it comes to me, I choose titles that are sometimes mentioned in the story itself. Just so when reader reads it, he'd realize : Oh I see why it's named like that.
There's also quite usual way of writing a title judging by the main area where story takes place or the very main problem it's around. If you want it to be mysterious, I'd say try using words that by themselves are quite mysterious.

Stopping your writing half-way is a real shame. If I were you, I'd complete the story and if it doesn't feel right, just revise it from the whole beginning to the end until it fits your feelings. I find myself often revising previous chapters even though I've rewritten it quite not a long time ago. There are just times when you out of a blue get an interesting idea or a thought, writing it down as soon as possible is how I get my story plot prepared

Keep writing =) Looking forward to the next chapter!
Kyou

Heya shubhi!

I'm here to review as requested. I'm kind of late and you've already got some great reviews, but I'll try my best to find something else that hasn't already been mentioned. You know how it works, don't you? I'll start off with the nit-picks, if I can find any, that is!

It hurt very much, but I had no time to nurse it now.

The sun shone brightly and my eyes couldn’t stop themselves from closing its shutters.

This sentence bugged me, it was phrased rather awkwardly. The part that I highlighted in red was the problem, really. To be honest, you don't really need the part that I highlighted in red. I think that it would be best if you got rid of those two words.

Why the hell you didn’t you carry your shades?

I could tell that the lady with the hunched back was only an inch away from my car.

She must have forgotten her specks at her home, I thought.

Her hazel eyes were piercing into my very soul and made me shiver.

I quite liked this line!

The old woman coming in the street out of nowhere, my foot on the brakes, the bump on my forehead and then her hazel eyes.

Do you mean, coming onto the road? I'm not sure, so I didn't change it for you. If that is what you meant, you should change it!

My heart pumped frantically and sweat started falling down my face, even when the air-conditioning was working.

Even though my mind told me not to, I followed my heart and stepped out of my baby.

I thought that this was a bit of a weird way to describe the car. It would have worked if you'd mentioned Olivia's love for her car earlier, but you didn't, so calling the car baby was a bit weird.

My heels clanked against the road as I walked around my car, trying to find the old woman whom I had just seen now.

I slapped my head so that I could get the rubbish out of it, but it refused to move it even an inch.

Maybe I was just hallucinating or for real her ghost had come back for revenge.

I like what you're saying here but I think that you could have phrased it better and more effectively. For example, something like, Either I was hallucinating, or Amanda's ghost had come back for revenge. I was hoping that it was the first one.


Overall

Although this part was short, really liked it. I must say, shubhi, your writing just keeps on improving everytime I read something new of yours! In this chapter, your grammar was very, very good. I only found a few mistakes where you used comma's in the wrong way. There was also some phrasing mistakes, but nothing too major at all. That's another thing that has improved in your writing; your phrasing. As for the story itself, I really like where it's going at the moment. I'm also very interested in whether the old lady was a hallucination or not. Plus, I'm still liking Olivia's character, she seems like a rather creepy person! One that I wouldn't want to run into. As well as your characters, I still like the idea of the story itself. Everything about it so far is original and there is nothing cliché about it. Trust me, that is a very good thing. One of the things that I'm really impressed with you about is your spelling. For someone who's first language isn't English, your English spelling and your English vocabulary is great. Another thing that I noticed about this chapter was the fact that you used your tenses well. In previous chapters, I noticed that you got a bit confused with tenses. You haven't got any confusion on tenses in this chapter though.

My only real critique for this is probably your descriptions. I know for a fact that you can use some very good, effective descriptions in your writing. I would like to see more of them in this chapter! I understand that what happens is quite short, so you don't want to overload on descriptions. The main problem with this though, I think, is that it feels as though it's moving a bit fast. That is probably connected to the whole description issue. To sum it up, what happens in this is Olivia driving in her car, she sees an old lady, then does/doesn't run her over. Although not an awful lot does happen, I think you should slow it down a bit. Before Olivia runs over the old lady, create some good tension. If you create suspense and tension, what happens afterwards will be a lot more effective. I can't really say how you can do this exactly, because I'm not sure if Olivia does actually run over the lady. I'm not even sure if the old lady is actually there. Do you get what I mean though? With the whole creating suspense and tension thing? If you aren't sure what I mean, just send me a private message and ask me to explain it to you in a more detailed way.

I don't really have much else to say about this! It's mostly because of the length, I think. There isn't that much to critique as a whole. In my opinion, all that you need to do is to take into consideration what us reviewers have said. Once you've done that, you should edit this chapter by thinking about what we've suggested. If you do that, you will have a seriously great piece of writing here, shubhi!

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian

Heyo Shubhi!

Ja, you have got some good crits already. I'll see what I can do.

Okay, so you have really improved with your English. Great job! Plus, tyres is correct too. It is the British way of writing, there's nothing wrong with it

On the prologue: Well, it isn't necessary for anything to have a prologue. You can plunge into the first chapter. Prologues are necessary if you have to give any info before the beginning of the story. Now, in this, you could do away with the prologue and make it as chap 1.

On this chapter, it is a bit short, but I'm not complaining much. The description here is really off and I know you can work on it more. I would like to see some emotional dezcription. Because somehow for me, this chapoter seem like I'm observing it from a distanbce. I want you to make us feel the narrator. That would be a good way of putting in the character's personality as well. And, I agree with Skins that you should create some tension before she hits the old lady.
Also; I don't quite like the thoughts you've put in (Your narrator's thoughts.) It somehow doesn't flow well with your narration. I want you to work around a wee bit more so that there is a good flow that connects with the thoughts.

Maybe I was just hallucinating or for real her ghost had come back for revenge.

Now, this sentences is phrased awkwardly. Try something like 'Or her ghost is back for revenge," Work on it it; this is a basic idea. I did like their conversation. Good work.

Anyway, keep writing!
~Lava

Thanks to all who reviewed this. I agree that I need to explain things more now and tension would have been good in this chapter. Thanks a ton again to all..

~Shubhi

Hi once more, shubhi! I bet you thought I forgot about you, huh? No such luck.

Wow. This chapter is definitely moving things forward—I’m excited to see what’s coming next. If you’re doing a rewrite, you’d better hurry up! XD

I have to say that I was getting a little irritated with how long it took to actually get Olivia to her encounter with the police—I’d been anticipating it since about chapter three, so the fact that it took until chapter eight to actually get her there was a little fatiguing. But I have to say that the intensity of the beginning of this chapter really makes up for all the waiting around. I was definitely getting the impression during the earlier chapters of this story that Olivia was less sane and stable than she seemed to think or want us to think, but I never realized that Amanda’s death had taken this much out of her—it looks to me what we’re beginning to see is her descent into madness, and it’s breathtaking to be in her head for it.

I have to really commend you for the opening scene with the old woman that Olivia sees Amanda in—the whole thing had this definite atmosphere of creepiness that really caught my attention moreso than probably any event in the story so far. I’m absolutely fascinated by what seems to be coming over Olivia at this point in the story, and I’m looking forward to seeing what’s going to become of her character. This has the potential to develop a lot of ways, and I want to find out how! XD

I kind of wish that you had shown us the whole conversation between Olivia and the chief at the end of this chapter, rather than just having her summarize it. I feel like I could have gotten a much better grasp on both their characters if I was shown more of how their interaction worked, or how Olivia felt meeting them and coming into the police station in the first place. *shrug*Just something to think about.

I’m definitely curious about this alibi Olivia is spinning—it looks like she definitely thought ahead of my doubts a few chapters ago, seems like she had a whole story cooked up for this. I, for one, can’t wait to find out more of the details of it, and learn exactly who this Ron guy is and what he had to do with the situation. I also like it because it shows us how far Olivia is preparing to go to hide her role in the crime, once again—it seems she’s perfectly okay with letting the (mostly) innocent take the blame for what she’s done, which just goes to show how ruthless Amanda’s treatment has made her, and how desperate she is to escape the law and get back to her shiny new career. I’ve said this before, but Olivia makes a wonderful villain protagonist—I’m torn between horror and fascination and sympathy with her all the time.

The only nitpick I have is that the opening was kind of confusing for me—it took me a minute to figure out that she had braked for the lady, not because it was the end of her drive to the station and the lady just happened to walk out after she had parked. I’d just try to make that a little clearer.

I’ve really had fun reading these chapters of A Criminal’s Heart. I can understand your feelings of struggle with the story, and I’ll acknowledge that there are a lot of places where it’s kind of rough. However, I also really and truly think that there’s a lot of great potential buried in here, and I can’t wait to read more of it. I really think this story and these characters are going to be great, and I hope you keep working at them—I believe in them and in you. Happy editing!