A Criminal's Heart Ch-4(part II)

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CHLOE RUSSO
26th June
12: 54 AM


We were forging ahead with the case. We had found some footprints which could possibly lead us to the criminal. Tim was not at all bolshie; he showed no lack of interest in the case. He was as much eager to get on with the case as we all were. It seemed like he was longing for some peaceful moment where he no longer had to worry about the murder or about his financial duties.

I tied my hair into a loose pony and then put a strand of hair behind my ears. I checked on my wrist watch. ’12:54’! I was in terrible need of sleep. Last night too we had been working on the Deutche Bank robbery case and now this. This was more than my body could take. I felt my vision blackening and my head paining as though someone had hammered it. My eyes were aching badly too. Then my feet were also not far behind in providing me with trouble. That was when Selena entered the washroom. She cat walked to me and let out a grin.
“You having another terrible night?” she asked, as she put her hand on my shoulder. I smiled back but weakly.
“I think so. I am cursing the day I joined the force. Wish could go back to high school,” I sighed heavily recalling the pleasant memories of my high school days where I didn’t have to worry about anything but getting good grades.
She smiled in support. The only bulb in the room was lambenting. We both looked at it and then decided it was time to go out.
“Why did Chief call you?” I asked Selena.
“He said it would be nice to have some extra help,” she replied playing with her hair in her innocent manner. Selena was an intern who had joined us this summer for her training. She was a brunette with an freckled face and medium height. Although her face was covered with freckles she still managed to look pretty.
“I don’t know why he troubled you. I mean you are just an intern, you don’t need to bother yourself with these special night shifts. And also we have other people who sit idle all day long to do this job.”
“But I enjoy this. It makes me feel special and important than my friends, who have nothing else to do but gossip,” she was excited. Everyone is excited about this job at first but then after five years of this work, everything changes. I could tell this by my experience.
“Chief asked me to fill you in with the information about the case,” I said as I stomped out angrily out of the washroom with Selena beside me.
“Go ahead, miss,” she said.
“Amanda Bailey was found dead by her security guard at her Beverly Hills mansion. Tim, the guard called us and we went there. She was shot dead at the heart. We couldn’t find much from her body except for the bruises. Maybe forensics get success-” she stopped me in between.
“What about any footprints, fingerprints or any thing else?”
“I was coming on to that,” I told her. She looked at me and was trying to read my mind. “We found some footprints which are being investigated by the forensics. The body has gone for autopsy. Maybe they’ll give us more vital information.”
Selena, though with a composed expression, was excited I could tell. She put her arms in her jacket and we made a beeline towards the interrogation room where Tim was being held hostage. The pale corridor smelled pungent as it always does and the weak tube lights did little to absorb my boredom and lethargy. I saw Mike coming form that side f the corridor with some files in his hands.
“Hey, Chloe! I finally found that Lanter file. Here it is,” he said taking out the red coloured file out from the pile he was holding.
“Thanks by the way. But I don’t think we’ll need it now. But you give me,” I said taking the file in my hands.
“That’s up to you. I heard you people got a new case,” he asked.
“Yes we did,” I replied sourly.
“I am so lucky to be an office boy. At least, I can go back now and sleep tight in my air conditioned room,” he joked but with no intention of hurting me.
“Even the station has ACs,” I reminded him. Although I didn’t mind his joke but didn’t burst out into a laugh like Mike and Selena did.
“Hey, I got to go before Chief gives me another duty,” he said and swiftly walked towards the exit door before I could say anything.
“Strange guy!” Selena remarked and I agreed with her in my mind.

2:30 AM
“You were saying something about the limousine driver, I guess. Go one and tell us,” Chief ordered Adam, other of the Amanda’s security guards.
I looked out around the room. Derek, Roger, Jack, Selena and Tim were standing intently listening to Chief and Adam.
“Ms. Amanda went to the premiere in the hired limousine. The driver is my friend. Maybe he would be able to tell us something. The name is Benny,” Adam said coolly. Chief looked at all of us and smiled insanely. He always did this when he got any lead. I walked to Adam and asked him,” Where will we find him? I mean do you have his number?”
“Yes I have it with me,” he said as he retrieved his cell phone from the pocket of his trousers. Adam must have been in his mid-forties with a white streak in his hair.
“Did I ask you take out the phone? Do as you’re asked” Chief roared.
Poor Adam sank down his head and then kept the phone back inside. “C’mon give it to me now,” Chief ordered him again/ My heart went out for Adam but then this was the way Chief worked
Adam gave Chief the number and he handed it to me. I went to the only phone in the room and dialled the given number.
‘Tring-tring-tring,’ was the only sound. No one picked up the phone even five minutes. I looked at Chief and shooed my head in disappointment.
“No one’s picking?” He asked me in utter sadness.
“No Chief,” I said and finally hung up the receiver.
“Why is he no picking?” Chief asked Adam.
“How am I supposed to know? I am here with you for the past two hours, ain’t I?” Adam shot back this time. He was wrong in doing this. Chief held his chin in his huge hand and then pressed it hard as if crushing a chalk.
“You don’t mess with me, do you?” He bellowed while Adam shuddered in his chair. After what seemed like eternity Chief let off his grip from Adam’s chin and then turned towards us. “Track down this guy. I want him in front of me,” he said. We all nodded and at once set out of the room except for Jack leaving Chief with the two suspects.

3:49 AM
Derek reported in, with a gloomy expression on his face, his gaze refusing to meet ours.
Chief looked at me and sighed deeply, sinking down his head onto his hands.
“What happened?” I asked till in a hope of positive answer.
“The limo driver got killed. He was found dead outside the city. I have sent a force for the interrogation and they would send the body for autopsy. No one yet knows how he got killed though we’re suspecting gunshot.” Derek elucidated.
Chief looked up but did not meeting anyone’s gaze, locking his eyes on a point at the wall.
“This case is bringing so much of disappointment. I think I have to jump in the battle field myself now. Should have done this a long ago. It’s now about the reputation of our department. I will put a kibosh on this criminal’s activities.” Chief said, his voice full of determination.
Last edited by MiaParamore on Sun Jun 20, 2010 6:57 am, edited 2 times in total.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore




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Hey shubhi! Here for a review 8)

CHLOE RUSSO
26th June
12: 54 AM

We were forging ahead with the case. We had found some footprints which could possibly lead us to the criminal. Tim was not at all bolshie; he showed no lack of interest in the case. He was as much eager to get on with the case as we all were. It seemed like he was longing for some peaceful moment where he no longer had to worry about the murder or about his financial duties.

I tied my hair into a loose ponytail and then put a strand of hair behind my ears. I checked on my wrist watch. ’12:54’! I was in terrible need of sleep. Last night, too we had been working on the Deutche Bank robbery case and now this. This was more than my body could take. I felt my vision blackening and my head paining A different adjective would sound better here. Paining doesn't really sound that good! as though someone had hammered it. My eyes were aching badly too. Then my feet were also not far behind in providing me with trouble. That was when Selena entered the washroom. She cat-walked to me and let out a grin.
“You having another terrible night?” she asked, as she put her hand on my shoulder. I smiled back but weakly.
“I think so. I am cursing the day I joined the force. Wish I could go back to high school,” I sighed heavily recalling the pleasant memories of my high school days where I didn’t have to worry about anything but getting good grades.
She smiled in support. The only bulb in the room was lambenting. We both looked at it and then decided it was time to go out.
“Why did Chief call you?” I asked Selena.
“He said it would be a help to have some extra,” she replied playing with her hair in her innocent manner. Selena was an intern who had joined us this summer for her training. She was a brunette with an freckled face and medium height. Although her face was covered with freckles, she still managed to look pretty.
“I don’t know why he troubled you. I mean you are just an intern, you don’t need to bother yourself with these special night shifts.”
“But I enjoy this. It makes me feel special and important compared to my friends who have nothing else to do but gossip,” she was excited. Everyone is excited about this job at first but then after five years of this work, everything changes. I could tell this by my experience.
“Chief asked me to fill you in with the information about the case,” I said as I stomped out angrily out of the washroom with Selena beside me.
“Go ahead, miss,” she said.
“Amanda Bailey was found dead by her security guard at her Beverly Hills mansion. Tim, the guard called us and we went there. She was shot dead at the heart. We couldn’t find much from her body except for the bruises. Maybe forensics get success-” she stopped me in between.
“What about any footprints, fingerprints or any thing else?”
“I was coming on to that,” I told her. She looked at me, and was trying to read my mind. “We found some footprints which are currently being investigated by the forensics. The body has gone for autopsy. Maybe they’ll give us more vital information.”
Selena, though with a composed expression, was excited; I could tell. She put her arms in her jacket and we made a beeline towards the interrogation room where Tim was being held hostage. The pale corridor smelled pungent as it always does and the weak tube lights did little to absorb my boredom and lethargy. I like your description here. I saw Mike coming form that side of the corridor with some files in his hands.
“Hey, Chloe! I finally found that Lanter file. Here it is,” he said taking out the red coloured file out from the pile he was holding.
“Thanks, by the way. But I don’t think we’ll need it now. But you can give it to me,” I said taking the file in my hands.
“That’s up to you. I heard you people got a new case,” he asked.
“Yes we did,” I replied sourly.
“I am so lucky to be an office boy. At least, I can go back now and sleep tight in my air conditioned room,” he joked but with no intention of hurting me.
“Even the station has ACs,” I reminded him. Although I didn’t mind his joke but didn’t burst out into a laugh like Mike and Selena did.
“Hey, I got to go before Chief gives me another duty,” he said and swiftly walked towards the exit door before I could say anything.
“Strange guy!” Selena remarked and I agreed with her in my mind.

2:30 AM
“You were saying something about the limousine driver, I guess. Go one and tell us,” Chief ordered Adam, anotherone of Amanda’s security guards.
I looked out around the room. Derek, Roger, Jack, Selena and Tim were standing intently listening to Chief and Adam.
“Ms. Amanda went to the premiere in the hired limousine. The driver is my friend. Maybe he would be able to tell us something. The name is Benny,” Adam said coolly. Chief looked at all of us and smiled insanely. He always did this when he got any lead. I walked to Adam and asked him,” Where will we find him? I mean, do you have his number?”
“Yes I have it with me,” he said as he retrieved his cell phone from the pocket of his trousers. Adam must have been in his mid-forties with a white streak in his hair.
“Did I ask you take out the phone? Do as you’re asked” Chief roared.
Poor Adam sank down his head and then kept the phone back inside. “C’mon give it to me now,” Chief ordered him again. My heart went out for Adam, but then again, this was the way Chief worked
Adam gave Chief the number and he handed it to me. I went to the only phone in the room and dialled the given number.
‘Tring-tring-tring,’ was the only sound. No one picked up the phone for five minutes. I looked at Chief and shooed my head in disappointment.
“No one’s picking up?” He asked me in utter sadness.
“No Chief,” I said and finally hung up the receiver.
“Why is he not picking up?” Chief asked Adam.
“How am I supposed to know? I've been here with you for the past two hours, ain’t I?” Adam shot back this time. He was wrong in doing this. Chief held his chin in his huge hand and then pressed it hard as if crushing a chalk.
“You don’t mess with me, do you?” He bellowed while Adam shuddered in his chair. After what seemed like an eternity, Chief let off his grip from Adam’s chin and then turned towards us. “Track down this guy. I want him in front of me,” he said. We all nodded and at once set out of the room except for Jack leaving Chief with the two suspects.

3:49 AM
Derek reported in, with a gloomy expression on his face, his gaze refusing to meet ours.
Chief looked at me and sighed deeply, sinking down his head onto his hands.
“What happened?” I asked still in a hope of a positive answer.
“The limo driver got killed. He was found dead outside the city. I have sent a force for the interrogation and they would send the body for autopsy. No one yet knows how he got killed, though we’re suspecting gunshot.” Derek elucidated.
Chief looked up but did not meeting anyone’s gaze, locking his eyes on a point at the wall.
“This case is bringing so much of disappointment. I think I have to jump in the battle field myself now. Should have done this a long time ago. It’s now about the reputation of our department. I will put a kibosh on this criminal’s activities.” Chief said, his voice full of determination.


This was good! Although, it wasn't my favourite chapter. What I'm finding is that you're not really progressing the plot much. You should send some of the police officers to interview someone, or say what Olivia's doing now?

Another thing that I've noticed is that you use an awful lot of dialogue. The part that I highlighted in blue was good because I liked your description there! You should do more of that; describing. It gives a nicer feeling to the story. Dialogue is fine, just make sure you even it out with everything else!

Even though I think this, your grammar has definitely improved since my last review! There were still a few mistakes, but it wasn't that bad at all. Well done for that. :wink:

Like I said before, overall, this was good!
Just bear in mind what I've said and this could be seriously good!

Keep writing and be sure to ask me for another review in my WRFF thread when you post anything else. :)

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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Tahnsk a lot dear.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore




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shubhiloves2write wrote:CHLOE RUSSO
26th June
12: 54 AM


We were forging ahead with the case. We had found some footprints which could possibly lead us to the criminal. Tim was not at all bolshie; he showed no lack of interest in the case. He was as much eager to get on with the case as we all were. It seemed like he was longing for some peaceful moment where he no longer had to worry about the murder or about his financial duties. (run on sentence)

I tied my hair into a loose pony and then put a strand of hair behind my ears. I checked on my wrist watch. ’12:54’! I was in terrible need of sleep. Last night too we had been working on the Deutche Bank robbery case, and now this. This was more than my body could take. I felt my vision blackening and my head paining (is this even a word?) as though someone had hammered it. My eyes were aching badly too. Then my feet were also not far behind in providing me with trouble. That was when Selena entered the washroom. She cat walked to me and let out a grin.
“You having another terrible night?” she asked, as she put her hand on my shoulder. I smiled back but weakly.
“I think so. I am cursing the day I joined the force. Wish Icould go back to high school,” I sighed heavily, recalling the pleasant memories of my high school days where I didn’t have to worry about anything but getting good grades. Most of this paragraph is a run-on.)
She smiled in support. The only bulb in the room was lambenting. We both looked at it and then decided it was time to go out.
“Why did Chief call you?” I asked Selena.
He said it would be a help to have some extra,” (What? *falls off chair laughing* Sorry, this isn't natural dialogue.)she replied playing with her hair in her innocent manner. Selena was an intern who had joined us this summer for her training. She was a brunette with an freckled face and medium height. Although her face was covered with freckles she still managed to look pretty.
“I don’t know why he troubled you. I mean you are just an intern, you don’t need to bother yourself with these special night shifts.”
“But I enjoy this. It makes me feel more special and important than my friends, who have nothing else to do but gossip,” she was excited. Everyone is excited about this job at first, but then after five years of this work, everything changes. I could tell this by my experience.
“Chief asked me to fill you in with the information about the case,” I said as I stomped out angrily out of the washroom with Selena beside me.
“Go ahead, miss,” she said.
“Amanda Bailey was found dead by her security guard at her Beverly Hills mansion. Tim, the guard called us and we went there. She was shot dead at the heart. We couldn’t find much from her body except for the bruises. Maybe forensics get success-” she stopped me in between.
“What about any footprints, fingerprints or any thing else?”
“I was coming on to that,” I told her. She looked at me and was trying to read my mind. “We found some footprints which are being investigated by the forensics. The body has gone for autopsy. Maybe they’ll give us more vital information.”
Selena, though with a composed expression, was excited I could tell. She put her arms in her jacket and we made a beeline towards the interrogation room where Tim was being held hostage. The pale corridor smelled pungent as it always does and the weak tube lights did little to absorb my boredom and lethargy. I saw Mike coming form that side of the corridor with some files in his hands.
“Hey, Chloe! I finally found that Lanter file. Here it is,” he said taking out the red coloured file out from the pile he was holding.
“Thanks by the way. But I don’t think we’ll need it now. But you give me,” I said taking the file in my hands.
“That’s up to you. I heard you people got a new case,” he asked.
“Yes we did,” I replied sourly.
“I am so lucky to be an office boy. At least, I can go back now and sleep tight in my air conditioned room,” he joked but with no intention of hurting me. I like it!
“Even the station has ACs,” I reminded him. Although I didn’t mind his joke but didn’t burst out into a laugh like Mike and Selena did. (needs rephrasing)“Hey, I got to go before Chief gives me another duty,” he said and swiftly walked towards the exit door before I could say anything.
“Strange guy!” Selena remarked, and I agreed with her in my mind.

2:30 AM
“You were saying something about the limousine driver, I guess. Go on and tell us,” Chief ordered Adam, other of the Amanda’s security guards.
I looked out around the room. Derek, Roger, Jack, Selena and Tim were standing, intently listening to Chief and Adam.
“Ms. Amanda went to the premiere in the hired limousine. The driver is my friend. Maybe he would be able to tell us something. The name is Benny,” Adam said coolly. Chief looked at all of us and smiled insanely. He always did this when he got any lead.
I walked to Adam and asked him,” Where will we find him? I mean do you have his number?” (this needs to be a seperate paragraph)
“Yes I have it with me,” he said as he retrieved his cell phone from the pocket of his trousers. Adam must have been in his mid-forties with a white streak in his hair.
“Did I ask you take out the phone? Do as you’re asked (wheres the punctuation?)” Chief roared.
Poor Adam sank down his head and then kept the phone back inside. “C’mon give it to me now,” Chief ordered him again. My heart went out for Adam but then this was the way Chief worked.
Adam gave Chief the number and he handed it to me. I went to the only phone in the room and dialed the given number.
‘Tring-tring-tring,’ was the only sound. No one picked up the phone for five minutes. I looked at Chief and shooed my head in disappointment.
“No one’s picking?” He asked me in utter sadness.
“No Chief,” I said and finally hung up the receiver.
“Why is he not picking?” Chief asked Adam.
“How am I supposed to know? I've been here with you for the past two hours, haven't I?” Adam shot back this time. He was wrong in doing this. Chief held his chin in his huge hand and then pressed it hard as if crushing a chalk.
“You don’t mess with me, do you?” He bellowed while Adam shuddered in his chair. After what seemed like eternity Chief let off his grip from Adam’s chin and then turned towards us. “Track down this guy. I want him in front of me,” he said. We all nodded and at once set out of the room except for Jack leaving Chief with the two suspects.

3:49 AM
Derek reported in, with a gloomy expression on his face, his gaze refusing to meet ours.
Chief looked at me and sighed deeply, sinking down his head onto his hands.
“What happened?” I asked till in a hope of positive answer.
“The limo driver got killed. He was found dead outside the city. I have sent a force for the interrogation and they would send the body for autopsy. No one yet knows how he got killed, though we’re suspecting gunshot.” Derek elucidated.
Chief looked up but did not meeting anyone’s gaze, locking his eyes on a point at the wall.
“This case is bringing so much of disappointment. I think I have to jump in the battle field myself now. Should have done this a long ago. It’s now about the reputation of our department. I will put a kibosh on this criminal’s activities.” Chief said, his voice full of determination.


Just like I stated in my past reviews, the punctuation needs a lot of work. It is a bit better this time though, so you seem to be getting there. :)

I think this might haven't have been something I said before, but it definitely needs saying now. Most of the dialogue and some parts of the narration just don't seem natural. Imagine narrating the story yourself. Imagine a crowd full of people in an auditorium and you are on stage. You are telling your story to everyone. How would you say it?

Nitpicks aside, tis a nice chapter. I liked it better than part one, that's for sure. I bet I know who killed the limo driver... :twisted:

Keep at it
Call me RK :)




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This gets more enticing with every part and chapter I read. Hey shubi, I'm here to review as always. Every mistake plausible looks like they have already been taken care of by skins and RK. I like this piece a lot, very mysterious and mind-boggling. Keep writing and PMing me when you add more. Thanks for the read. :)
"I became insane,with long intervals of horrible insanity."

"Their ideology is that human nature is fundamentally evil.In other words, humans are evil from the day they are born."

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Thanks a lot to everyone.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore




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Hey Shubhi!

Her I am! Well, I'm just reviewing this chapter right now. Sorry I'm late. I've tons of work, so.
Okay, let's get nit-picky:

This was more than my body could take. I felt my vision blackening and my head paining as though someone had hammered it.
I would suggest you remove 'paining' and go something like : ...I felt someone hammering my head." It sounds better to read.

Then my feet were also not far behind in providing me with trouble.
This sentence is a little awkwardly phrased. I understand what you're trying to say, but you'll need to rephrase it. Go something like : My feet were no exception; they just wanted to collapse.

I sighed heavily, recalling the pleasant memories of my high school days where I didn’t have to worry about anything but getting good grades.


And also, we have other people who sit idle all day long to do this job.”


But I enjoy this. It makes me feel special and more important than my friends, who have nothing else to do but gossip,
You need to use a comparative here.

I said as I stomped out angrily out of the washroom with Selena beside me.
Why is she angry? While we're on this subject, you'll need to describe a bit more, the emotions, atmosphere etc. Also; you could tell us how the washroom looked. Show us something about them. There is a lot of 'telling' going on, you could work on the 'showing' bit as well.

“I was coming on to that,"
People generally just say, "I was coming to that."

he joked, with no intention of hurting me.


Chief ordered him again.
Just a typo, dear.

‘Tring-tring-tring,’ was the only sound.
For a better effect, you could just type it as : Tring-tring-tring.

“Why is he not picking?” Chief asked Adam.
Another minor typo. I would suggest you to write it as "Why isn't he picking up?" It sounds more natural that way.

Overall: Good work here. You dialogues are improving and so's your punctuation. I did find a few, but hopefully, it'll be better next time. Besides that, your description needs work where you need to show us things. A little example for you:
Telling:
She slammed the door shut.She was tired.
Showing:
The door slammed with a thud as she entered the room. She headed straight for the recliner, stretching her legs and relaxing.
I hope you can see the difference. In the first you're telling us that she's tired. But in the second, you're forming images to show hat she's tired.
Do post in the WRFF when you post a new chapter.

Hope I helped.
Cheers,
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.





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Telling:
She slammed the door shut.She was tired.
Showing:
The door slammed with a thud as she entered the room. She headed straight for the recliner, stretching her legs and relaxing.


Thanks for this Lava. I really need to improve on this, I know.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore




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Hello! All the grammar mistakes seem to have been taken care of, so I won't go into that. Just nitpicking right now. :smt002

I think you would really benefit from researching how a police department is run, how cases are worked on and solved, etiquette, routines, etc. if you already haven't done that. It would make your story so much more realistic and it will also make writing it much easier. For example:

Chief held his chin in his huge hand and then pressed it hard as if crushing a chalk.


I'm not sure an actual chief could do that and not get fired...

Also, your characters could use some work. I can't truly relate to them in this chapter. Right now, they seem very two-dimensional. They don't jump off the page (or computer screen). :smt003

Other than that, you seem to be coming along very nicely and I really hope you continue this.

Good luck,

Embee.
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Thanks a lot Embee. i would love to do the research.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore




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I apologise for skipping the reviews of chapter three and part one of chapter for, because I didn't want to repeat myself.

I'll commend you for the story, it is unfolding quite interestingly. I think it would make a good crime novel if the killer hadn't been revealed at the beginning.

I must emphesise the comments I've already made though, they're the only things that seem to be holding this novel back. The characters need some serious development and variation. Either that, or merge a few together. The characters make a story, and this lot so far just seem to be there as narrators more than anything.
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Hi shubhi! I’m very tired right now, so I’m not sure if this is going to make a whole lot of logical sense, but I’ve got my fingers crossed. XD

I really liked Chloe’s narration at the beginning of this chapter, and her interactions with Selena. It’s interesting to see how frustrated and exhausted her job makes her, and how it’s affecting her. Those feelings of stress and exhaustion are something that I think everyone can relate to, and I think the images you used to describe it were pretty strong. And that little bit of resentment she shows toward Selena—who doesn’t understand how difficult things are going to be—was definitely interesting. I think it helps develop her character a bit, showing some of her flaws in her struggle with her job and those around her.

Huh, the limousine driver is a goner, too, huh? That was definitely a surprise—I don’t quite know what to make of it, but I’m intrigued either way. I’m really curious to know whether this is indeed Olivia’s work or not. After all, the synopsis hints at a series of murders, but on the other hand, what motivation can Olivia have had to kill the driver? Did he know something? Did he suspect her? There’s a lot of questions springing up around this, and I can’t wait to hear more.

However, I do kind of think that if this is Olivia’s handiwork, it might have been better to give us that scene from her perspective. I’m very, very interested to see the point in which one planned murder becomes a string of them, and I think this might give us some good character development for Olivia, who, after all, was probably not planning to make a spree out of this. I don’t know if you cover this incident from her perspective or not, but if not, you might want to think about it—it’s a good opportunity to develop a character, and we haven’t seen Olivia in awhile anyway.

I do agree with Embee that a little research on how police departments and case investigations work wouldn’t go amiss here. I’ll admit that I’m no expert on the subject, but sometimes the scenes with the police seem a little haphazard to me. It’s always a good idea anyway to do some research on stuff like this—the more you know what you’re talking about, the easier it is too catch the readers up in the story—and the more confident you’ll be in writing the story as well.

Just a couple quick nitpicks:

Wish could go back to high school,

Oops, dropped a word. XD “Wish I could.”

I saw Mike coming form that side f the corridor with some files in his hands.

Oops, two typose in this one—“from” should go in place of “form,” and “f” should be “of.”

“Why is he no picking?”

“Not” would be a better word here, and, as a couple others have pointed out, I’ve pretty much only heard the expression as “picking up.”

Otherwise, not a bad chapter. I think your characters are developing okay, and I quite like them all, though I’m still eager to get back to Olivia. I’ll see you in the next chapter—hopefully soon. XD
"The world is not beautiful, therefore, it is." --Kino's Journey

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/I think, today,/ he thought back, /the important fact is that I don't/ need /to be better than him. He can just be a person. And I... I can just be one too./
— Adolin (Wind and Truth by Brandon Sanderson)