A Criminal's Heart- Chapter 2

with excitement, waking up my wife, Dora.

Isn’t that great?” I replied.

“Of course it is, but that doesn’t mean you have to wake up the whole neighbourhood (sounds dramatic and sarcastic-just like a woman who is cranky from waking up ^^) with your shouting.” She was clearly tired of my work habits.

Some say I am a workaholic, and others say I am stupid, but I like to call myself a visionary. Don’t think I am exaggerating or praising myself, but I am different from those other directors who make films just for the fame and money. Directing films is my passion, and I let no one come between my goals and me. Not even God. (M.C Hammer: Stop- comma time! Seriously, I can tell when you write that you’re bursting to get out every little detail and this is ok, but you always miss your commas! Slow down, sister!)

“Maybe but I am not sure. She might be coming here after you…,” Err… majorly awkward. Try rewording it too: “I wouldn’t be too sure. She might come in here after all that noise you...”

“It sure will. If this film succeeds at box office, then your film will also be a hit. If this film fails to appease the audience then Amanda’s market value and face value will also drop. You also need the success of this film,” [b] (Would a real housemaid say that to a famous director? I think not. Maybe she would say this instead: “I hope so, too. If the film succeeds at the box office, then so should yours. Am I right, Mr. Burton?)

I have finally finished reading the script. When I couldn’t bear to stay awake anymore and my eyes refused to keep themselves open, I dropped the pen and went to bed. I had a busy day ahead. Reading the script to Amanda, then a meeting with Mr. Frank Tyler and a dinner with my friend, Skeeter Jones. This all was going to be my routine tomorrow. A busy day ahead. (Ack- line repetition! Big no-no!) I should be crowned ‘Busy Bee’ crown this year. (Err- no, this does not make sense. Try “ I deserved to be crowned “Busy Bee Of The Year” ”

I knew the day I had joined the force that this work is demanding but this is tougher than I thought. (The wording in this line is terrible. Rephrase to: “I knew the day I joined the force that the work was going to be demanding. But I can’t help thinking sometimes that it’s tougher than I had ever expected.”)

He can be pretty jolly sometimes. (It took me awhile to see that you were trying to be sarcastic here. Just lose it altogether.)

Better than your other chapters I've reviewed so far, in my opinion. Your story is getting interesting. I'm not sure about your character choices, though: Too many narrators in one story can actually harm it rather then make it interesting.
I can't see where the plot is going yet, and i'm not sure if this is good or bad.
But, however, you're improving, and that is always good!
-Maddy

with excitement, waking up my wife, Dora.

Isn’t that great?” I replied.

“Of course it is, but that doesn’t mean you have to wake up the whole neighbourhood (sounds dramatic and sarcastic-just like a woman who is cranky from waking up ^^) with your shouting.” She was clearly tired of my work habits.

Some say I am a workaholic, and others say I am stupid, but I like to call myself a visionary. Don’t think I am exaggerating or praising myself, but I am different from those other directors who make films just for the fame and money. Directing films is my passion, and I let no one come between my goals and me. Not even God. (M.C Hammer: Stop- comma time! Seriously, I can tell when you write that you’re bursting to get out every little detail and this is ok, but you always miss your commas! Slow down, sister!)

“Maybe but I am not sure. She might be coming here after you…,” Err… majorly awkward. Try rewording it too: “I wouldn’t be too sure. She might come in here after all that noise you...”

“It sure will. If this film succeeds at box office, then your film will also be a hit. If this film fails to appease the audience then Amanda’s market value and face value will also drop. You also need the success of this film,” (Would a real housemaid say that to a famous director? I think not. Maybe she would say this instead: “I hope so, too. If the film succeeds at the box office, then so should yours. Am I right, Mr. Burton?)

I have finally finished reading the script. When I couldn’t bear to stay awake anymore and my eyes refused to keep themselves open, I dropped the pen and went to bed. I had a busy day ahead. Reading the script to Amanda, then a meeting with Mr. Frank Tyler and a dinner with my friend, Skeeter Jones. This all was going to be my routine tomorrow. A busy day ahead. (Ack- line repetition! Big no-no!) I should be crowned ‘Busy Bee’ crown this year. [b](Err- no, this does not make sense. Try “ I deserved to be crowned “Busy Bee Of The Year” ”

I knew the day I had joined the force that this work is demanding but this is tougher than I thought. (The wording in this line is terrible. Rephrase to: “I knew the day I joined the force that the work was going to be demanding. But I can’t help thinking sometimes that it’s tougher than I had ever expected.”)

He can be pretty jolly sometimes. (It took me awhile to see that you were trying to be sarcastic here. Just lose it altogether.)

Better than your other chapters I've done so far, in my opinion. Your story is getting interesting. I'm not sure about your character choices, though: Too many narrators in one story can actually harm it rather then make it interesting.
I can't see where the plot is going yet, and i'm not sure if this is good or bad.
But, however, you're improving, and that is always good!
-Maddy

I think this is better than the previous chapters, but there is still much work to be done.

I'd say that's mainly on the characters. There are a Lot of characters in the story so far, especially considering this is only chapter two. If a particular character isn't important or recurring, it's probably best to, instead of giving them a name, give them an interesting trait to bring them to life a bit. They all need their own unique personalities and I'm kind of seeing the same traits reflected in each one.

It would probably give this piece a huge boost if you change the style of writing for each person, which would really give them their own voices and bring them to life.

Switching viewpoints is a difficult skill to master. If you imagine it on a points scale, you've got to keep dragging your reader inside the story. Each time you change tone, -1 point. Change scene, -10 points. Change viewpoint, -90 points. A huge tip is to remember that your reader will feel what your characters feel. If Josh is tired, your reader will empathise, so to give your reader something nice, Chloe should wake up feeling more refreshed than usual. It will help things slot together much easier.

Hey again, shubhi. : ) You know the drill: Lots of reviews, I dunno if I can say anything new or helpful, I’m going to try anyway.

Huh, new characters! Well, Josh is only kind of new, but you know what I mean. XD I really liked his bit in this chapter, it helps flesh out a bit of his character, someone who we previously only saw sort of in the background of one chapter. It also helps show that not everyone who is connected with/admires Amanda is an evil person, which I think is more realistic than having her surrounded by soulless, shallow shells (yay alliteration!) just like her. He seems like a nice person, even if he does work too much, and I liked his interaction with his wife and child—you can tell that they have a closeness between them, even though he isn’t very attentive to them, which I think adds a bit of likability to his character. But I also like the signs of his flaws—the aforementioned inattentiveness and the fact that he’s pretty condescending towards the housekeeper.

I like Chloe a lot, too—she’s pretty interesting, and I think her attitude is realistic for someone who is young and inexperienced in a challenging field; it’s not surprising that she’d be getting a bit tired of everything and that she’s so easily frustrated by the quirks of her superiors. I liked some of her little scenes here—the one where she just stops everything to go fix her makeup was pretty telling about her character (a little vain, perhaps?). She seems like a pretty sympathetic character; one who tries her best but has her flaws that kind of get in the way.

The storylines definitely seem to be coming together. Josh may still be blissfully oblivious, but Chloe’s story adds more interest and conflict to the story, now that we have an antagonist to Olivia. Looks like things are going to start getting more complicated for her very soon—the dominoes aren’t too far away, and I’m fascinated by what’s going to happen when they start to fall.

Just a couple things to check out:

Yes the critiques seem to enjoy the film

I think the right word here is “critics.” A critic is a person, a critique is a piece of writing.

”Stop bemoaning, Officer Chloe.

I’ve never really heard “bemoaning” used this way before, I don’t think people really say this. XD Just “complaining” might be better in its place. Also, I’m pretty sure that Seth would address his co-workers by their last names, so “Officer Russo,” or even just “Russo” since she is a subordinate and he doesn’t have to speak respectfully towards her.

It means, LOS ANGELES POLICE DEPARTMENT.

I don’t think you really need to add this—I think most people can figure out what it stands for on their own, and as such this kind of breaks up the action.

Another good chapter, I’m enjoying this story very much. Looking forward to whatever is going to come next, see you
then!

Hey Shubi,

Okay, this review won't be for the weak of heart so brace yourself.

I like your storyline, that I do. You have quite the interesting concept, here. That being said; Shubi, this really needs work.

I think the comment on his beautiful wife should stay - but it needs work. True, it's done often but it's always when 'a shaft of sunlight pierces the blinds and strikes her blonde hair, casting her head in a halo'. Meh! Badly done, but you get my gist? He goes to Eureka! To: she's hot! When you're on a writing spree and you suddenly scream out eureka, would you giggle in delight and explain yourself or suddenly go oh! my loved one is beautiful?
Personally, I'd be dancing around the room dancing stupidly. Unless, a shaft of . . .

So, without giving any other thought to this, I have selected her for the role of Fiona Ridgewood. At first, my idea was to take some fresh face who had polished acting skills and who could deliver my message to the masses. But now I think I should go with some established actress. And who better than Amanda Bailey.

Okay, who talks to themselves that way? No one, that's who. Seriously, I don't go around analysing my thoughts and actions to myself; I know what I'm thinking. Which means that YOU are TELLING us what your CHARACTER is doing. SHOW us, instead. Let us follow his thought pattern, but not this way. It's unreal. Unbelievable and unrealistic.

I'll be frank; I don't like Josh. He seems superficial to me. He might be passionate about his work, but that's not how I see him. He annoys me. What was he doing in his bedroom with his script anyway? And Esmé was right; show us that he woke his wife up. His child up. Why are they both so alert? I can understand that his daughter is only 4 but if she's awoken so abruptly, afraid of a fire, shouldn't there be fear in her eyes? A quiver to her lip?

This really needs to be worked on. Much can be forgiven if you have the right blend of show and tell. Read up on examples, either by buying a book (I,m currently reading a great one about that) or google it.

I hope this helps, it's only meant to be constructive. I personally prefer being told that my story is crap and needs reworking then being given false praises. Luckily for you, your story isn't crap. I can't wait to see where it is going.

Cheers!
Tanya