Wowzers, Eisha, this is really catchy. I mean, it’s short but it starts the story off with a lot of curios-making. And that’s got me asking questions and wondering, “Hmm, what’s going to happen next?”
But I think you need to add a little detail to what happened before with this. And where exactly this is taking place. It needs some type of setting. And why is your POV character with this other girl. Not to mention, if someone were coming to help, and there was a dead person sitting there, why would they stop for…burgers? *is hungry*
When you step away from the story and look at it with only the information your reader has, does it make sense.
Hope I could help!
~lilymoore
