Deeper Wounds [[Chapter 1]]

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“Sophia! Mommy says you have to get up now!” Cold air flows around me as my little sister Chloe drags the comforter of my bed.
“Hey!” I protest, clawing for the blanket.
“Sophia!” She exclaims. She stumbles backwards as pulls the comforter to the floor.
“Fine… I’m getting up. Tell her not to flip. I’ll be ready in a bit.” I drag myself from the bed and step to the cold tile floor.
“Okay!” As she bounces out of the room, her long white-blond hair flies around her.
I sigh heavily and yank my closet open. I paw through it and throw a sweater and ripped jeans onto my bed.
I shrug into my clothes and reach for my bedside table. I fiercely grip my purple hairbrush in my hand and pull it through my hair. I toss it onto my bed and stomp downstairs.
“Sophia Lauren! Do you know what time it is?” The devil my mother is standing in the kitchen. The scent of expensive perfume is in the air.
“Yes. Chloe came and woke me up.” I mutter, sitting at the table.
Mom sets a plate in front of me. I roll my eyes and wolf down the toast with strawberry jam. Seeds from the jam wedge into my teeth.
I thank her and bolt for the front door. I slam it behind me before Mom or Chloe can speak.


I twirl the dial on my locker and it pops open. I throw some books into my bag and close my locker. I struggle through the bubbles of students and push towards my class.
Everyone turns to stare as I loudly sit in my seat. I roll my eyes and rummage through my bag, which causes a ruckus.
“Miss Avery? Is there a problem?” My History teacher looks down at me. She pushes her beaded glasses onto her nose while she taps her foot impatiently.
“Sorry. No, ma’am.” I blush and keep my eyes on the scratches in my desk.
“Well, pay attention.” She snaps, leafing through our textbook.
“Yes, I will…” I put some paper and a pen on my desk.
She blandly reads a section in our book and then turns to the blackboard. She picks up a piece of chalk which sends dust tumbling to the floor.
The chalk squeaks on the board. She manages to write two sentences before the bell rings. “Read pages 60-79 for homework!”
No one hears her.




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Hi RedRaven
I think this is to short to be a chapter. I think that you should make it longer, maybe by describing everything a bit more or something like that.
Can you pm me when you post more?
midnightread :elephant:
The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
A wise man does not need advice and a fool won't take it.


Growing old is mandatory,
Growing up is optional.


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Football is a gentleman's game played by thugs.




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Hey, RedRaven! I'm Evi.

So, the point of a first chapter is to hook readers in and make them want to read more. Right now, this isn't much of a hook, and it doesn't make me want to read more. And that's the problem. ;) Many people open up a book and read just the very beginning, so you want that beginning to be as captivating and conflicted as possible.

The first and best way to do this is to introduce a conflict. According to your plot synopsis, it's about a teenage girl who's fighting with depression. Well...that's pretty general and vague. Before you can do anything with this story, you have to make sure this isn't your everyday angsty-teenager story. You'll need strong characterization, interesting sub-plots, and something other than depressing thoughts and cutting to keep this afloat! But that comes later.

Right now, open your story with an important point in the story. Someone wise (I can't remember who) once said that you should begin your story as late as possible. So, think. What happens in this story? Now take the first really important event and open with that. It should be a scene that matters to the story and something that will give readers a taste of what the whole book is about. Make it interesting! Instead of opening with the unoriginal "Wake-up!" scene, find something unique.

^_^ Once you come up with a solid hook, then we can start focusing on actual writing, plot, and characterization. I'll try to get to your other chapters soon-- but, as a note, it's better to wait just a bit between posting new works. You also should keep reviewing other people's pieces! That way you'll get reviews on your own writing; it's a "give and you shall receive" situation.

Best of luck, keep writing, and PM me for anything!
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.




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Hellloo. :D

So, the first particular thing I noticed about this particular chapter is that it's very short. Now, if you plan on separating this into different sections within the chapter, this would be fine. However, since you published this on this website as chapter one, I'm going to assume you are not and drill you for it. :D In a nice way, anyway. The point is is that you wouldn't see a chapter of this size in book you buy at a bookstore. Because of this, you should probably lengthen it or combine with the next chapter.
Now, moving onward.
The next thing I'm going to point out is you can add a lot more detail to this section. Talk about how Sophia feels about being forced out of bed, describe her mother's perfume, tell how (if she is, anyway) she is embarrassed to be late for class. Now, it doesn't need an onslaught of detail, just enough to add to your work.

Feel free to P.M. me when there is more, okay? :)
"But, oh what beautiful things I'll wear! What beautiful dresses and hair!I'm lucky to share his bed, especially since I'll soon be dead...
Oh, why, do I wish I was dead?"




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I like it. You could be a bit more descriptive though and you could make it longer.
Yes, I love him. Yes, I can never have him. Yes, I don't care.
Love can't be controlled.



If food is poetry, is not poetry also food?
— Joyce Carol Oates